Frame of Mind

I don't know what it is, but my state of mind just hasn't been right lately.  I can't put my finger on it. It's something, but I honestly don't know what. It's like a back and forth, up and down, of good and bad. I'll be in a great headspace one minute.. Then a little while later, completely flipped. 

Last Friday? Saturday? One night... Fireman said we needed to do some maintenance. At first I was like, well, okay. I knew we probably did need it. I think our last Monday ritual was messed up.. I'm thinking it was probably my fault, but right now I can't remember exactly why. I'm sure we needed it. I got a shower, went to our room, stood there in my towel. I knew exactly what he wanted, he didn't even have to say anything. 

But I couldn't do it. 

I know. It's like the #1 deal breaker. No saying no to a spanking. No taking back consent. I swore I wouldn't do it again. I meant it. I won't take back consent. But in that moment, I just couldn't make myself shed the towel and lay across our bed. 

Why?

No idea. I like the whole kneeling thing. We have a thing ritual(?) on Monday nights. If you're not new here, you've read about it before. He texts me when he's on his way, Mondays are always fire-training night. He's usually later than the kids' bedtime and I have time to shower and get in place just as he's pulling in the driveway. Sometimes I have a couple extra minutes. I just wait, then hear him drive up and get ready. Our bed site up a little high, so we have this strange little stool I kneel on and lay across the bed waiting for him. 

It's complete control for him. I get in position and wait. I hear him. Sometimes he walks by our room to see me, make sure I'm there, then does a few quick things before entering our room. Other times he comes straight to me. Just depends. It's hot either way. To me, anyway. He walks in and places his hand(s) on my lower back and sits near me. Then maintenance is on, almost always followed by super-hot sex. 

Last Monday wasn't that way. So when Friday came, it really did need to happen. Needless to say, our weekend wasn't great. D.i.s.c.o.n.n.e.c.t. 

Sunday morning we were all up early thanks to the dumb time-change. (Seriously, that's like, the worst idea ever.)  I had a shower and washed my hair. I kept trying to figure out how to fix it. I wanted to offer up my behind and tell him I was sorry for messing it up all week. But I'm terrible expressing things vocally. I was trying to figure it out with the kids being up anyway.. I just couldn't say the words. 

I used the tv babysitter for #3, put 1&2 in a bubble bath. (And so no one judges, yes, they're old enough to bathe alone. We could hear them the whole time as well).  I walked in our room and thought about what to say exactly... Instead I just dropped the towel. An obvious invite ;) 

I felt a little better. I'm sure FM did too. 

Sunday was much better after that. We were up a little late watching The Walking Dead, lol, so no maintenance/reconnect on Sunday night. But last night was a different story. 

I fixed an early dinner so he could eat before he went to training. Before he walked out, he had instructions to get the kids in bed, shower, and be ready. Okay. 

Kids were a little late, but finally in bed. I was just finishing getting everything together for this morning when I got his text *heading to the car, ly*

When he got home, I was ready and we had a great reconnect. :)  We  need some new stuff though.. That's a little scary, but I think we are ready to branch out. 

I just want to keep this frame of mind. I don't want to fall back into the other.. Anyone else? Any recommendations? 

Next Tuesday is LOL (love our lurkers) day and I'm excited!!! It will be my first one. Last year, it helped bring me to publishing my very first post. Hope my lurkers will participate!!!! I'd love to hear from you :) 

Hope everyone has a great day!! 
Xo, 
Elle