A lot of jumbled up thoughts...

I wrote this Tuesday night really late. I published it, but then I took it down. I wanted Fireman to see it before everyone else. With the busy day yesterday, he didn't get the chance to read it until late last night. Then this morning I asked him if I could publish it. Why not? He said.. So here it is. .............

I have a lot on my mind tonight/this morning. It's either really late or really early, lol. It's a special day today at our house and I'm just waiting on the 2nd batch of cupcakes to finish baking.  Kid surprises always keep me up late. It's not possible to surprise any of them unless I work after they're fast asleep. I'm sure other moms know exactly what I mean. 

Fireman is in bed. He has an early day tomorrow, then busy with us. He had an early day today, too. Hopefully he'll get some good rest tonight. Unlike me, he can function really well on little sleep, but I've always hated it. 

I remember when we first began dating, he was in college. He never slept! I swear the man survived on Taco Bell and Mt Dew, lol. I think he could still do it, but he doesn't think so. There are many nights when he does, if there's been a late night/early morning fire call and he has to work. 

Anyway.... 

Saw a picture on Pinterest the other day and found it fitting to my life. Sometimes I get caught up with trivial things that don't matter. I need to lay off Facebook, but I get sucked in. 

The same thing happens when I read blogs sometimes. I'm not the same as everyone else. I don't think the same or act the same. I don't have the same end-result. My husband doesn't act or react the same. He doesn't make me feel what the writer elicits in their blog. Correction... He doesn't make me feel that he feels a certain way. 

So then comes the anxiety. The stupid worrisome thoughts that things aren't right. The worry that I'm not right. If things don't go exactly as I think they should, or the way I've pre-planned in my head, everything something is wrong. 

Unfortunately this is not a product of ttwd. It's been some crazy flaw I've always had. Ttwd seems to help sometimes.. But if there's a hiccup or something doesn't go right, it's back to square one in my head. Doom and gloom.  Thoughts of this is never going to work. No matter the subject, I have a tendency to get to that thought at some point. 

I think one of the biggest problems is when I start thinking... Is this what he really wants or is he just doing it because he thinks it's what I want? It's really sweet to know that often he'll do something because he knows I like it. Bringing me surprise Starbucks is always so thoughtful. Other times, I need him to make the decision, let that decision be what he wants and be final, you know? 

I need to be clear... Because I know when he reads this he might think it. I do not think ttwd is failing. At all. I still know it's the best thing we've ever done for us. I don't know. I think it just needs to be more. 

More of what? I have no idea. But, I think we are slipping. Slipping very slowly back to where we were and I refuse to let that happen. I can see it, I can feel it. We are close, but not like we can be. Not like we have been. 

I sent FM a link to a post that I thought was really amazing. It spoke to me. It was what I wanted to be. It was how I hoped he would feel toward me. Not exactly as she wrote, if that makes sense, but in FM's way. 

We texted about it momentarily. 
*I just read it. Wow.*
*What kind of wow?*
*The state of mind from which it was written. I don't require you be as submissive as I should. Her level of love, respect, and submissiveness is wow.*

Unfortunately the conversation continued, but only about dinner, so nothing else came of it.  I know none of this really makes much sense. And it really is a jumbled up mess. Maybe I'll end up reverting it back to draft, I don't know. 

I need to stop the comparing. That's one big problem. But the accountability is at zero. Laundry was on our list. I asked for it, because I'm horrible at putting it away. I don't mind doing it, but it's a huge pain in the ass. Lol. This week, I've been doing much better. But not once in the past however many months have I ever gotten in trouble for laundry. And I know I've deserved it. It was my rule.  

I've explained how I need to actually hear that I am his, that he's in control and that everything is fine... But I've only heard it once. It's things like that, that creep into my head and make me feel the way I do. It's not having his hands all over me that make me start to question myself. 

Maybe having the words written down will make a difference. Maybe you reading them will help you understand. Maybe when I re-read it, it will help me see what an idiot I am for making too much out of nothing. 

I'm going to go shower all of this away and get into bed so that I can have energy to enjoy this celebratory day in our family. That's what I will focus on until we actually get time to talk.. 

Xo, 
Elle