Realizations..

I need to get back to normal. I feel like everything is still kind of floating and spinning around me, but I'm not spinning with it. The kids are staying up so late, there's not much "us" time, no real maintenance since the bean bag chair. It's only been two days, but it feels like longer. 

The consistency seems to be lacking.  I'm not sure how I haven't spiraled out yet. Usually, by now my body mind is craving attention and acts out to get it. In our pre-domestic discipline days, we would've had a huge blowout by now. I have no idea how it hasn't happened this time. I wasn't aware of it until just now and I definitely haven't been fighting the urge (like I have in recent history to not start an argument). 

Maybe it's really working.  I think the fact that we haven't had a huge blowout this holiday proves it. I think I just had an epiphany. The realization didn't occur to me until I began writing. 

Emi J at Veiled Obsessions wrote a post about second guessing living this lifestyle. Check out her post Wash, rinse, repeat  I've been there. I second guess all the time, but now with this new realization, maybe I do get it.  I'll have to ask my fireman his opinions. It's much easier to talk to him via text. We stay on topic, even if its a while in between replies. If we try to talk here, we are interrupted, the phone rings, a million other things come up, then we forget what we are talking about.  I still haven't gotten to ask him how he feels about the term submission. 

Our spanking style needs adjustment too. I'll probably regret it at some point, lol, but the feeling doesn't stay very long. I think for it to work in my head, maintenance or punishment, I need that warm bottom feeling to stay longer than just a couple minutes. How does he achieve that? What advice to I give him? I have made the decision to not (or try to not) say ouch or make any comments. Generally it's just a reflex and it really isn't even painful.  I could be making him feel like its really been enough from my comments than him deciding what really needs to be enough. 

And then there's the problem of what he thinks is enough, but I don't? I guess I could tell him and politely ask for more, but I don't want to have to do that every time.  I do want him to be in control and I think me constantly telling him how to perform his role as HoH is undermining his authority. 

I love this blog. I get my thoughts in order and come to new realizations that I hadn't thought about before :) I'm sure ill revisit these topics soon. 

Xo!
Elle