Weekend recap...

** this ended up longer than I intended! :) 

I think we are getting back on track. I don't know that it's back to 100%, but it's not as distant here as it was last week. 

I don't like it. I don't like the accidental break we took. Anytime there is a change, I generally am not a fan. I like a routine, knowing what's expected or preferred and no surprises. It's been weird here for so long! 

I appreciate all of the comments left on my last post. I love Blogland and all of you so much. There is so much support and friendship here. It's probably better than real-life friendship, lol. Here, you all know everything. IRL, I'd never talk about sex or domestic discipline. My real-life friends and family know what I look like and how I talk, but you all know our lives and how we live. It's an interesting difference! 

We talk all the time. We talk all day when he's at work via text, unless one of us is super busy. Even then, we will send a quick note to rack other. We've always been texters, since texting was a thing, lol. We have always had a cell phone since we've been together, so it's always been relatively easy to contact the other. I think I had just gotten my phone when we began dating. Dinosaur Nokia that was the coolest phone ever! Lol! (Now my iPhone laughs at my mother-in-law who still uses the old, OLD Nokia. So funny). 

Friday night we watched a couple episodes we were behind on from the DVR (man, I love that thing. We would NOT be able to watch any tv without it!). It was great. We sat close on the couch and watched. He went out to pick up some quick dinner (in the snow, too). The kids went to bed, I fell asleep near him on the couch. Crap, no maintenance tonight, I thought as I walked sleepily to our room. Even half-asleep dd is on my mind.... 

Saturday comes early. #2 woke up at 5am to potty. Wouldn't be so bad if she could reach the light, lol. She somehow woke up #1, so I turned a movie on and let them lay on the couch. I laid in bed and played games on my phone until I fell back asleep. Because they were up so early, they watched a movie in their room after playing all morning and tiring themselves out. Baby down for a nap.... Shower time together ;) nothing better than that in the middle of the day. 

The shower and the overdue events that occurred after helped us get somewhat reconnected, but it's still not completely there. I kind of waited around the rest of the weekend, but no mention of any maintenance or role affirmation, whatever you want to call it. I kind of just use maintenance as an umbrella term for us. 

All weekend I was somewhat submissive, I think. I deferred bigger decisions to him, didn't do anything that I know aggravates him. I made breakfast Saturday morning, but started feeling crummy halfway through and he took over. We actually had a slight argument before I started and I can't remember what it was about. It only lasted like 5 minutes, maybe less after the words were spoken. Before ttwd, that totally would've continued all day. 

This morning, I thought I'd get up and shower with him, then ask for some maintenance before he left.... But I didn't. I really should've. 

We've been texting all morning and talking about things. 

He made some excellent points.. 

*It's weird. It's been about 9ish days since our last (symbol for spanking), which is way too long and I'm certain you agree. But I have a fear that, bc it's been so long, you're going to have a problem getting back to it. It's just an awkward feeling I have. And I almost didn't know how to bring it up and get us back to a (symbol for spanking) routine.* 

It's actually been 12. And then after more convo... 

*I don't want you to go to that negative place. We can't stop doing ttwd, we can't. We're out of routine, yes. But we just have to jump back in. We have three kids and things that change everyday.

It's going to be hard to not get off schedule or routine every once in a while.*

Didn't I just write how I hate change? Lol. Does this man know me or what? 

I replied *I don't know how to respond to that.*

*Oh, ok. Let me help you. 

Elle- "ok, tell me what I can do to help us get back on track."
Me- "when I get home tonight and say that it's time, you give me no looks or smart comments, you just get up and go assume the position, but be aware that we ARE DOING THAT when I get home"
Elle- "ok, I can get down with that. You lead and I'll follow"*

I want to live in his head. Perfect conversation from me lives there, lol :) 

So, I guess we will see what happens.. 

Hope you all had a great weekend! 
Xo, 
Elle 

Who would've thought?

Last night was a busy night. I swear, I don't see my husband until Thursday some weeks =\ 

I had a hair appointment, the girls each wanted their hair cut, and the only time my beautician had available before my birthday this weekend was last night. I started dinner, fireman finished it, and made my plate. If you don't eat this before you leave, I'm going to be upset with you. Okay, I'll eat it. It looks great. 

It wasn't the sit-down family dinner I swear every week we are going to do every night (so unrealistic for us...), but it was nice (and yummy)!! 

The girls and I went to our appointment, the baby and fireman stayed home and watched the Barrett-Jackson car auction and some college basketball. We stopped by the grocery store on our way home and got back a little later than I'd liked, but we needed groceries, so not much you I can do about it. 

I got everything for #1 ready for school the next morning, we sent the girls to bed, and I cuddled up next to fireman on the couch for a few minutes before my looming bedtime. Did you read any? (One of my requests for the week is to read a financial/budget book.. It's easy to read and I'm a fast reader...). Ummm yes? Crap, I'd forgotten to get to that today. Wrong answer. 

Rats. I figured it was maintenance night and I was wondering if he'd actually punish a little extra for not completing the request. Come on, he gestured to our bedroom. I tried to get out of it a little, giving pointless excuses and reasoning. Why? I have no idea. It's not going to work. I want this lifestyle, so why do I try to get out of it? 

He started, but our bed sits up so high, it's getting awkward to lay across it.  Usually, he does ten with the little toy paddle, but at 12 (counting in my head instead of out loud), I said hey, don't you usually only do 10, isn't that 12? I don't know. Smack. Why don't I know? Smack. Hmm? 14, I counted out loud from then on. Point made, lol :) 

Climb up on the bed. I know, I'm sliding. I scooted. 

No, like completely climb up. 

Now, lay down on your elbows. Oh, what a position. New and scary, but all of the instruction from him made me tingly inside! 

He switched up implements a couple times, rubbed, squeezed... I love the rubbing and squeezing. Then he laid his hand on my lower back and said commanded? instructed: stay there and walked out of the room. Whaaattttt? Yummy. Submission at its finest. Simple instruction, very risqué pose with my chest down, behind up, and facing where I couldn't see the door. I had no idea of what he was doing or how long he'd be gone, but I was staying there. For him. 

He came back. Smack. Rub. What are you going to do tomorrow? Um, laundry? Smack. Rub. What else? Take my mom to the doctor! Smack. Rub. What else? Read! Good girl. Tingles!! Did he just call me a good girl! haawwwwtttt! Smack. Rub. Anything else? Is that a trick question? Smack. I don't know? I was just checking, you're done. Hugs. 

You can go to bed now. Oh I can? Then the look. You don't know when to stop do you? I wondered if he'd come back and spank more, but he didn't. He just tucked me in our bed and kissed me goodnight. 

I went to sleep thinking about him calling me a good girl. I never would've imagined him saying it.... And never would've imagined enjoying it the way I definitely did :) who would've thought?! 

Wonder if I'll get another "good girl" anytime soon.... 

Xo! 
Elle 

Written by Fireman & me :)

My fireman posted this as a comment on my Submission post, but I think it needed to be its own post :) 

At the risk of totally hijacking my loves blog, I want to offer a perspective if I may. I came from a semi-old fashioned home. Both parents worked, and mom waited on my dad hand-and-foot as the saying goes. Dad was never demanding about it though, don't misinterpret. In retrospect, dad just was overly helpful/considerate in some ways I think. Very rarely do I ask L to do things for me. God knows the kids run her ragged all day. The way I feel about it, is that I have two legs and can get my lazy ass up and do whatever I need to. Dare I say it, but I feel a bit like an ass to have her do these trivial things. I don't EXPECT her to make my dinner plate. I've even gotten the angry eye for doing it myself. My "motive" if you will is to be "helpful", and no more a burden upon her than any other way that I'm likely oblivious to already. 

The point I'm trying to make, whether it bares any similarity for any of you ladies, is that "submissiveness" MIGHT have more to do with us guys. I'm appreciative for everything my love does. I'm probably not helping her BE submissive because of the things I try to take care of on my own. So in trying to do the "good husband" things in my eyes, I'm likely impeding this feeling for her unknowingly. And I wonder if I'm not alone amongst other husbands. I actually had no idea that this happened for her at my family function. I DID notice that she seemed a little too excited/anxious to get me the pie, but the curiosity disappeared about as quickly as the slice on my plate. Obviously, I need to be more cognizant of these "little opportunities"? And surely this can go both ways, I mean, we do LIVE FOR one another, right? This could be just as difficult for me as it is for her!!! Lol.

I love that you said we live for one another :) it makes me melt. You have a good point. Maybe a lady's submissiveness can be helped more by her husband. 

Maybe it's a great idea that Pocahontas had in this post. She wrote how they talked about what being submissive, and correspondingly dominant also, means to both of them and that it really helped their expectations. Maybe we need to do this too? 

We also just talked via text about the statement he made about his mom waiting on his dad. That shocked me because she doesn't do it now. (She has even told me, why are you making his plate? He can make his own plate!) She doesn't as much anymore. But when we were kids, it was drastically different. 

I don't want to stop and make it look like it never happened..

Definitely something to think about for me today. 

Xo,

Elle & Fireman :) 

Submission

Friday night, something tiny happened and I was proud of my fireman. Unless he noticed my eyebrows raise in pleasant surprise, I think he has no idea.  The tiny event may have not even registered on his radar, but it certainly did on mine. 

I've been working on the gift of submission. I think it was June (The Dish with Ward and June) who said submission is a gift, because you can't force it. (If it wasn't June and it was someone else, just let me know, lol!) June (& Ward too!!) were so sweet and emailed me suggestions to help with submission. 

I want to fully embrace this semi-new life we've taken on. I have written about struggling with submission, but they helped me realize it can be very simple. It can be as easy as fixing dinner and making his plate. Oddly enough, this is something I've always done. It makes me feel good to make his plate and hand it to him. It's been very rare in our life for me to have not done it. I feel very pleased that I've been doing it for so long. Maybe I can be submissive after all ;) 

In their last blog post, I think June said it perfectly. ".. Everything I do, every look that I give, every response that I utter is an opportunity to express my submission to his leadership."  So very true. 

I always want my fireman to know how much I trust him and that I'd do anything for him. I think he knows, but I want him to really know. I've tried to become aware of my actions. I try to not interrupt him (which I am bad to tend to do), I try to really listen to what he's saying, and do little, everyday things for him. 

We had a family function to attend on Friday night with his family. We sat closely, as we can't seem to stay away from each other. (Magnets!!!) when the pizzas arrived, I made the kids their plates and I turned to make his. He had mine all ready :) So sweet when I know he's thinking about me. 

A little while later, there was cake. A few of the other guests got themselves pieces and it happened..... 

Will you get me a piece of cake please? My eyebrows raised slightly and I smiled. Sure :) 

I was so proud of him for actually asking me to do something for him!! It was a very small gesture, but it meant a lot to me. You have to start somewhere ;) 

Apps, Tears... And a possible boot camp?

I'm so excited at how my fireman and I came through the rocky patch. I wasn't sure if our domestic discipline lifestyle would make it through (even though we both wanted it to). But, as I and so many others have said, communication really is key. I thought our communication had taken a huge leap when we first began ttwd, but now I know it was only a tiny step. We still needed need to work on our communication. That's probably always going to be something we need to work on. 

We are going to begin SitDDs, thanks to MrBB at A Domestic Discipline Society for suggesting I go back to the beginning and start reading all of the steps he has outlined. I've started a journal for us, it's an app, but what's suggested is a hard copy. I think my fireman and I are more technological and it will work better for us to adapt that suggestion to us. It's all about adapting domestic discipline ideas to fit you best. Definitely not one size fits all! :) 

I downloaded a password protected journal app where I can add pictures... Like the one he took of my behind last night after maintenance, add different entries, add lists, keywords, it's all very organized. It has a calendar format to see the dates easily. He can access it on his phone as well. Haven't completely figured that one out, but I will. 

I wrote an entry about my first punishment spanking of the new year (my amazing husband). My very first spanked to tears event. I was close one other time. I had snapped at him on my way out the door, which he really did not deserve and I had have been trying to work on that.  I remember it clearly and we were still very new (I know technically we are still new now, but this was freshly new, lol) to dd.  He said it was over, but I wasn't sure if it was. I wasn't sure how to handle it, so I didn't say much about it. It only came up way later and he said he wasn't sure how he would've felt about bringing me to tears at that point. 

I didn't think I needed the release like he said I did, but sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. He was right. I completely needed it. It didn't take a lot, his new way of administering was very effective. I probably had tears about 1/3 of the way through. I got to that point where I laid my head into the bed. Usually I just prop myself up on my elbows and keep my head up. Not this time. It started out that way, but it didn't end with me that way. You're finished. I scooted back carefully and just fell into his arms, tears streaming. This is exactly the response I was waiting on. He held me so tightly, still crying. Okay, probably bawling. 

You just can't take me to that place again. I know, I know. He nodded into my shoulder. He knew exactly what I meant. Not a physical place... That place in my head where I feel completely alone. I know he won't. If/when we have another rocky patch, I don't think it will be because of this. 

So, with our new beginning, we are contemplating a boot camp of sorts. Not any particular one, just adapting from online versions to fit us. He doesn't need help figuring out how to give spankings. His new way is perfect for us right now. He feels he needs to work on his consistency and also his mindset of being an HoH. He needs the confidence to know that he can make a decision. I suggested he pick something at random for me, but he's not sure what or where to start with that. I think he's limiting his mind. He's generally very creative, but this is so foreign to him. I honestly think its still hard for him to realize he really is in charge. 

I need help in the submission area. I think where he's so used to not making the decisions, I am used to it. I trust him, with everything.  I want him to know that I am truly his :) 

So, I'm trying to put together a pseudo-boot camp just for us. We already do maintenance, so that will be incorporated, and he has a few articles/ a short book  he wants me to read for homework, but I'm still formulating and researching other submissions (?) and ways for him to feel that he truly does have the power and control.  We are going to add in working on communication and working on our regular rules. 

It seemed easy, but it's much more difficult. I find some things, then I think omg, he is going to think I'm crazy for suggesting it (just like I thought when I suggested this whole idea of domestic discipline in the beginning lol). 

We are going to talk about it more. We've only discussed possibly doing something. At first, I was going to find info and put it all together so we could look at it with each other. Then after only a couple websites, I had so much info, I knew that wasn't going to work. 

We'll figure it out, but I'll also take any suggestions! :) 

Xo! 
Elle

My amazing husband :)

Can we give dd another shot? Give me a shot to do it right?  

I read that while shopping yesterday. We had been texting and talking a little of the morning, but at first it seemed to be going okay, then a serious roadblock. I felt like he wasn't getting what I was saying and I shut down. Completely. 

He picked up on it. You are spiraling down and you have to freaking stop. He was right. 1,000 times right. I still couldn't hear it though. I needed a minute, or an hour in this case. I texted him back. I wanted to know everything else he thought. He texted a little, but I got busy and couldn't immediately text back like I wanted to. 

One other thing he said that hit me hard... I'm honestly afraid to stop DD. I already feel like everything is the way in was before we ever started it. We discussed this while I was in the shower after my exercise class last night. He sat outside and we talked some. We were in the same small room and semi face-to-face, but it was hard. I don't want the two of us to only openly communicate through text. I'm glad we can do that during the day. We can figure out so much like that, but I want us to be able to figure things out in person, too. 

Maybe, if need be, we need to follow what some of you do. I think Emi (Veiled Obsessions and maybe Ami (Ami's Star Song), too, do the talking in the spanking position. I can see how that would? could work. 

I'm a writer. I always have been. My essays and writing assignments in school were always the longest. Two-to-four page assignment? Mine was edited down to four. I can explain easier through writing. I can think about my words, edit, rewrite, explain better. I don't want to say the wrong thing. 

He will always let me explain if I say the wrong thing to him, though.  He's amazing in communication, if he can just get me there. I have a tendency to get stuck in my head (as you can very well tell from the last couple days and the rambling posts...). He can pull me out though. He is the only one who can fix it, he always has been. Even pre-dd. he just generally know how to deal with me. Now, I think it's easier for him. 

After our really great talk (in person) last night, that was slow at the start, we actually got somewhere. He listened and understood what I need. He brought up good points from my blog that he read (which I am still so impressed that he did!!). I will be a better H. If that's not one of the sweetest things he's ever said :) 

I asked him what he wanted to do.  I didn't mean for that evening, I kind of just meant for the future, but he took it for the evening. I want you to bend over the couch. One, to prove that I'm in this. Two, because you have broken several rules. And three, you need the release. (Both of us keep forgetting our bedroom is free now that everyone is situated and the baby is in his room). 

What, why? I do not! (I honestly did not see it coming, even though I definitely deserved it). He listed off reasons. Crap. They were all true. I asked for it to just happen tomorrow (today) since I wasn't feeling great. He let it go. I felt bad. 

I asked him to come lay down with me. Neither of us had slept well the past few nights. I thought that was sweet when he told me earlier in the convo that he hadn't either. Usually, he goes right to sleep. While I don't like that he didn't sleep well, it did make me feel good that he was worried about us (no danger of either of us leaving, it was just that things had been So good. He didn't want that to end). 

He climbed in our bed, but I had a change of heart. If we were going to do this, we were going to do it right. I said, if you really want to, we can. No, that's alright. I just stood there by the edge of the bed. He got up and went to get the implement(s!!). 

What followed was the best one he's ever given. Tears. Hugs. More hugs. 

We are back. Yay! 

Thank you to everyone who responded and gave advice. I needed the good and bad. :) I'm glad I went on to write part 3. That's where my fireman made his comeback and everyone could see how wonderful he really is. 


Xo! 
Elle    

Realizations..

I need to get back to normal. I feel like everything is still kind of floating and spinning around me, but I'm not spinning with it. The kids are staying up so late, there's not much "us" time, no real maintenance since the bean bag chair. It's only been two days, but it feels like longer. 

The consistency seems to be lacking.  I'm not sure how I haven't spiraled out yet. Usually, by now my body mind is craving attention and acts out to get it. In our pre-domestic discipline days, we would've had a huge blowout by now. I have no idea how it hasn't happened this time. I wasn't aware of it until just now and I definitely haven't been fighting the urge (like I have in recent history to not start an argument). 

Maybe it's really working.  I think the fact that we haven't had a huge blowout this holiday proves it. I think I just had an epiphany. The realization didn't occur to me until I began writing. 

Emi J at Veiled Obsessions wrote a post about second guessing living this lifestyle. Check out her post Wash, rinse, repeat  I've been there. I second guess all the time, but now with this new realization, maybe I do get it.  I'll have to ask my fireman his opinions. It's much easier to talk to him via text. We stay on topic, even if its a while in between replies. If we try to talk here, we are interrupted, the phone rings, a million other things come up, then we forget what we are talking about.  I still haven't gotten to ask him how he feels about the term submission. 

Our spanking style needs adjustment too. I'll probably regret it at some point, lol, but the feeling doesn't stay very long. I think for it to work in my head, maintenance or punishment, I need that warm bottom feeling to stay longer than just a couple minutes. How does he achieve that? What advice to I give him? I have made the decision to not (or try to not) say ouch or make any comments. Generally it's just a reflex and it really isn't even painful.  I could be making him feel like its really been enough from my comments than him deciding what really needs to be enough. 

And then there's the problem of what he thinks is enough, but I don't? I guess I could tell him and politely ask for more, but I don't want to have to do that every time.  I do want him to be in control and I think me constantly telling him how to perform his role as HoH is undermining his authority. 

I love this blog. I get my thoughts in order and come to new realizations that I hadn't thought about before :) I'm sure ill revisit these topics soon. 

Xo!
Elle

The bean bag chair :)

Christmas went off here beautifully. I stayed up late waiting for the kids to fall asleep; someone has to greet Santa. ;) My fireman got our presents from his parents' house and I spent forever arranging and rearranging. I know it doesn't matter to the girls (and certainly not the baby) how the presents are arranged, but it does to me. 

My fireman sat in his chair partly watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story and commenting on how we had wayyy too many presents. We have three kids! Honey, that's enough for 10 kids. It is not. Yes, it is. Well, I really didn't go over budget. I got pretty much everything on sale, the majority on Black Friday. It's still too much. 

It probably was, but I couldn't help it. Pretty much everything went together. I honestly thought I would be getting a Christmas Eve spanking. In fact, I was sure I would once he saw the amount of presents. I didn't though. He must've had some Christmas spirit! 

We spent most of the day hanging out here, opening and assembling stuff for the kids. We visited some family. Oh! Completely left my wallet at a store on Christmas Eve. Almost figured I'd be in trouble for that, too. I wasn't careful and either left it in the buggy or it fell out of my pocket. Turns out, some sweet person turned it in. With the little bit of cash I had in it!! Lucky lucky! I was very grateful! 

Then yesterday we were organizing and trying to get the girls moved to their room upstairs. I'll finally get my bedroom back once we get this done and move the baby into their room.  I was slightly sassy, but not too bad. I think I maybe got one warning. My fireman was working upstairs and we were being flirty. I went up to check on him and got playfully sassy. He gave me a few fun swats, but we were interrupted. 

I came downstairs and set the girls up with their new play doh sets, got them a snack and drink, and got the baby in bed for a nap. I decided I'd let him ask him for some maintenance (which he says was more punishment for my mouth earlier).  I secretly grabbed his little ping pong paddle and took it upstairs. 
I ended up face down in a bean bag chair with my behind presented to him. Ever been spanked in a bean bag chair? It's kinda hot ;) 

We did some other things in the bean bag chair after... I had no idea when I bought him that chair for Christmas so many years ago that it would be used for dd and extras, lol. 

That's quite a submissive position for you and a dominate one for me. I guess so, you like it? I really do. Me too. (I'll have to keep that one on file). Mainly, I just like that he likes it. I like the submissive feeling and him having the control (I think I've said that one or fifty times before, lol). 

I'm not into true D/s.  I like reading some blogs that practice it, I think it's fascinating. But still, not for me.  I could get into playing it for an evening when it's just the two of us, though.  

I'm still working on (and will be for a long while) being submissive. And I still need to ask my fireman his thoughts on the term. After yesterday, especially. 
I wonder if there is a "submit" button like Staples' (or is it OfficeMax?) "Easy" button? 






Xo!
Elle