Smooth sailing...

Lately around here, it's been smooth sailing.. But how long will that last? I try to just focus on the positive. Even if another bump comes, I think we will know how to handle it. My fireman has said he will not let it get to two weeks again. I don't think he will let it even go a couple days. 

We were on an every-other-day maintenance schedule. I liked it. (Maybe Mrs. D is right, maybe I am a spanko, lol). I love knowing he's in control. I love the role affirmation. Of course I love the connection it brings us. I know FM had said he is more confident since beginning ttwd. He's been more confident in all areas, not just our relationship. I love that, too. He deserves that self-confidence. :) 

We aren't back to every-other-day yet, but we are back. We had our first reconnection-type spanking session on Wednesday. Then extra maintenance on Thursday. Nothing last night, we'll have to see what happens tonight. I'm going to wear super-cute panties just in case, lol :) 

Today has been a great lazy Saturday. We watched the Adam Sandler movie Hotel Transylvania with the kids (cute little movie, btw). I had a little errand to run with our girls, watched some college basketball. Nothing big and exciting, but a little while ago he grabbed my hand while we were sitting on opposite ends of the couch. 

It's not a bold affirmation of his love for me, like spanking or sex, but it's a little reminder. We are in this together. He's always there for me. I'm here for him. I love this renewed connection we have. 


Hope everyone has a great weekend!! 
Xo! 
Elle :) 

Finally!!!

It had been two weeks... 14 days... 336 hours... 20,160 minutes. Lol :) 

It may have technically been a few hours & minutes less, because I'm pretty sure the spanking that occurred two weeks ago was at bedtime, where yesterday's (yes, yesterday's!!!!) spanking was earlier in the evening. 

 #1 was is feeling much better, thank you all for the well-wishes!! She tested positive for the flu at the doctor, fought a hard battle, but is finally beginning to feel better. Nothing worse than seeing your baby sick and not being able to do much about it, I know everyone can attest to that. 

My fireman had just gotten home and I told him I needed a nap and a shower. I slept napped on the couch with #2 the previous night, continuously waiting for #1, who was sleeping on the love seat, to get sick again. Thankfully, it never happened. I think she was over the final hurdle. But I was just exhausted. I got the girls' hair fixed and they ran out the door before saying goodbye, lol. They were so excited to see the sun! 

The baby was starting to whine and get cranky, we both knew a nap was really needed. Fireman laid him down, I was just sitting on the couch. He went to our room, walked over in front of me and said let's go in there. Wha? Oh, we are alone? Baby is asleep, or on his way! It is quiet! I hadn't even seen the opportunity, lol. 

Wait, I have to get a quick shower and wash my hair. The look. No, really. I'll hurry, I'm not trying to get out of it, I swear. Okay. I'm not going to get in with you in case they come back or want to come home. Well, that sucks, but okay. 

I didn't take any extra time, just quickly showered, shampooed, and conditioned. Dried off, combed my hair, walked to our room. I grabbed a tank and panties and 'assumed the position' as he says. 

He did an extra long, light warm-up and I completely forgot to count. He climbed up on the bed at some point and kind of sat on my knees. He was getting his next two implements and I'm not sure if he sat on my legs so he could reach my ass better or if it was for my to not kick my legs... I don't kick them out of pain, it's just habit. My legs go up, lol. 

The beginning half of the spanking was pretty yummy.. But then the hairbrush. I always wonder what I was thinking when I bought it! But, if its not used too hard, it's not that bad, but on those ouchy strikes... Owwwwww. He kept rubbing the cool wood over my behind, pick it up, smack. Wiggle. 

I tried to not comment, but at the end, I was like okayyyyyy aren't you done yet? 

How long have we been doing this? 

Like, this time? I dunno! 

No. We've been doing this for how long? And what's our procedure?

Our procedure?  Then it hit me. 

Mmhmm. 

How many is it? 

Exactly. Then he said the number. 

So I counted the last few and I won't forget to count again. He reminded me of a few things I was supposed to be doing. Ultimately, it reminded me of our roles and that we are in this together. 

Then when he sat near me as I was curled up, I knew we were where we are supposed to be. My world is right again. :) 

Xo, 

Elle 

Real life friends..

Well, I realized when replying to Susie on my last post that I am jinxing us. Every time I say 'we are going to have a reconnecting maintenance session tonight' something crazy happens and we don't get to. 

Yesterday, #1 woke up with a fever. No school for her. Tylenol for her and she played with #2 quietly for most of the day. Mostly they played together nicely on the iPad. My mother-in-law took the girls so I could take the baby to his class. She went to her mothers and the girls love it there. She is a junk-food junkie and will give them bags of candy and powdered donuts to bring home. Only after they've eaten some at her house too, lol. 

#1 fell asleep there at 7:15. She slept in the car, slept when I brought her in, and while I was taking her temperature. 102. Rats! No school again and definite doctor appointment for today. I'm just waiting for the office to open, so I can call and make her an appointment. 

I had just laid her in our bed and since she was sick, fireman wanted her downstairs in case she needed us. I agreed, but I also knew what that meant. No maintenance for us. Our bedroom is way too close to the living room. 

No more jinxing! When it happens, it will happen. 

I started thinking about my comparison of real-life friends to blogger friends. More than once, Fireman has told me how he wished he could share this thing we do with his best friend. 

They are a couple that doesn't spend a lot of time together, never talks, has some problems. Probably more serious problems than I even know. My fireman wants them to have the closeness that we have, the renewed look on life. All of the positive things you can think of that come as a side-effect of domestic discipline. 

But he knows he can't tell them. 

Have you ever shared this with anyone in real life? 

Xo! 
Elle

Weekend recap...

** this ended up longer than I intended! :) 

I think we are getting back on track. I don't know that it's back to 100%, but it's not as distant here as it was last week. 

I don't like it. I don't like the accidental break we took. Anytime there is a change, I generally am not a fan. I like a routine, knowing what's expected or preferred and no surprises. It's been weird here for so long! 

I appreciate all of the comments left on my last post. I love Blogland and all of you so much. There is so much support and friendship here. It's probably better than real-life friendship, lol. Here, you all know everything. IRL, I'd never talk about sex or domestic discipline. My real-life friends and family know what I look like and how I talk, but you all know our lives and how we live. It's an interesting difference! 

We talk all the time. We talk all day when he's at work via text, unless one of us is super busy. Even then, we will send a quick note to rack other. We've always been texters, since texting was a thing, lol. We have always had a cell phone since we've been together, so it's always been relatively easy to contact the other. I think I had just gotten my phone when we began dating. Dinosaur Nokia that was the coolest phone ever! Lol! (Now my iPhone laughs at my mother-in-law who still uses the old, OLD Nokia. So funny). 

Friday night we watched a couple episodes we were behind on from the DVR (man, I love that thing. We would NOT be able to watch any tv without it!). It was great. We sat close on the couch and watched. He went out to pick up some quick dinner (in the snow, too). The kids went to bed, I fell asleep near him on the couch. Crap, no maintenance tonight, I thought as I walked sleepily to our room. Even half-asleep dd is on my mind.... 

Saturday comes early. #2 woke up at 5am to potty. Wouldn't be so bad if she could reach the light, lol. She somehow woke up #1, so I turned a movie on and let them lay on the couch. I laid in bed and played games on my phone until I fell back asleep. Because they were up so early, they watched a movie in their room after playing all morning and tiring themselves out. Baby down for a nap.... Shower time together ;) nothing better than that in the middle of the day. 

The shower and the overdue events that occurred after helped us get somewhat reconnected, but it's still not completely there. I kind of waited around the rest of the weekend, but no mention of any maintenance or role affirmation, whatever you want to call it. I kind of just use maintenance as an umbrella term for us. 

All weekend I was somewhat submissive, I think. I deferred bigger decisions to him, didn't do anything that I know aggravates him. I made breakfast Saturday morning, but started feeling crummy halfway through and he took over. We actually had a slight argument before I started and I can't remember what it was about. It only lasted like 5 minutes, maybe less after the words were spoken. Before ttwd, that totally would've continued all day. 

This morning, I thought I'd get up and shower with him, then ask for some maintenance before he left.... But I didn't. I really should've. 

We've been texting all morning and talking about things. 

He made some excellent points.. 

*It's weird. It's been about 9ish days since our last (symbol for spanking), which is way too long and I'm certain you agree. But I have a fear that, bc it's been so long, you're going to have a problem getting back to it. It's just an awkward feeling I have. And I almost didn't know how to bring it up and get us back to a (symbol for spanking) routine.* 

It's actually been 12. And then after more convo... 

*I don't want you to go to that negative place. We can't stop doing ttwd, we can't. We're out of routine, yes. But we just have to jump back in. We have three kids and things that change everyday.

It's going to be hard to not get off schedule or routine every once in a while.*

Didn't I just write how I hate change? Lol. Does this man know me or what? 

I replied *I don't know how to respond to that.*

*Oh, ok. Let me help you. 

Elle- "ok, tell me what I can do to help us get back on track."
Me- "when I get home tonight and say that it's time, you give me no looks or smart comments, you just get up and go assume the position, but be aware that we ARE DOING THAT when I get home"
Elle- "ok, I can get down with that. You lead and I'll follow"*

I want to live in his head. Perfect conversation from me lives there, lol :) 

So, I guess we will see what happens.. 

Hope you all had a great weekend! 
Xo, 
Elle 

Still no excitement...

What is it about life getting in the way? 

Monday, as predicted, didn't really get to see Fireman until late. We sat near each other on our sofa, he had a late dinner, and I probably dozed off. Bedtime hasn't really been a consistent rule.. I find myself not paying much attention to the time. 

Yesterday I did laundry all day. (Yay me!). I haven't gotten it all put away yet, but I will. We were invited out to dinner and decided to go, since we were both tired and didn't feel much like making dinner. 

I visited a relative in the hospital (she's fine, nothing serious) and ended up staying with her all night. It was her first night there, I knew she was worried and sometimes her husband sucks. He's not an HoH at all :(  

I came home super  early and got fireman out of bed. I had completely intended to shower with him, but I sat down on the sofa while he was getting his things together and kinda fell into a daze. Of course the hospital staff had been in and out all night, sleeping in a recliner isn't my comfy bed, and I was trying to be awake when she was so I could help if she needed. 

It clicked when I heard him open the bathroom door. Missed opportunity. I thought you'd come in and shower with me. I actually meant to and I'm not really sure what happened. Come and talk to me for a minute. What?  Talk about what? Just come and talk to me, I didn't get to talk to you at all last night. (I really was thinking he meant for maintenance, which we've never done morning maintenance, but anything is possible. I was just too tired for it...). He finished getting his work stuff together and finished getting dressed while we talked about nothing in particular. 

Tonight is another busy evening. Our girls have a class they take, then I have an exercise class I've already committed to attending (that was before the getting little-to-no sleep last night..). 

I will be home plenty early before bedtime.. And he will probably join me in my shower, I'm almost positive he will. We'll have to see what happens after ;) 

Xo, 

Elle 

Oh PS, hop over to Ami's  page and send her some well wishes. She and her hubby have a difficult road ahead and I know she could use all the love she can get :) 

Uneventful..

First, let me just say I love ttwd. Love love love it. I just defer big (and small!) decisions over to fireman and my life is easier. I wonder if his life is harder with more decisions though? Probably not. He's kind of think about it, make a decision, evaluate, then done with it, kind of guy. I'm like a think about it, obsess over it, obsess more, weigh options, compare, obsess, decide, regret, wonder about the other options, drive myself crazy, kind of person. I always worry I made the wrong decision. 

Even if it was something as silly as where we were going for dinner. I'd worry about the wait, how the waiter was, food, etc. I can hear you now. Wow, she is craaaaazy. Lol, it's true. 

No, I'm just worried about how my decision effects everyone else. What if we have a bad experience and it was my decision that sent us there? It's safe to say I seriously over think everything. 

I don't even know how I went to all that just now, lol. I was just going to post about how we had a super busy weekend and didn't get anything done around the house, or get to any spanking: maintenance or otherwise. It's strange how blogging will do that to you.. :) 




Friday I was down for the count all day.  I was never actually like sick, just felt really bad and exhausted.  Fireman took great care of me.  He's he best.  My ailments have made me feel like a 90 year old woman who is falling apart.  First it was Monday with the weird underarm pain, turned out to be just a pulled muscle.  Then a lower back issue that began after #3 was born that reoccurs often.  Then crazy sick-sleep-all-day Friday.  On top of a headache that has come and gone for almost 3 weeks now.  (That one is because of my eyes.  I need to call and schedule an appointment to get my reading glasses adjusted and fixed!!).  

See, who knew 29=90??? lol :)  

So anyway.. Take all that craziness, plus our beautiful (yes, super biased, but uh, it's also true! Lol) girls were models in a fashion show this weekend. They had practice, then the long day of the show, celebration dinner (where Fireman chose, lol) and I was exhausted by the end of the weekend. 

My house needs a lot of TLC, I feel like the laundry is everywhere. Mondays are not my favorite with Fireman being gone all day for work, then all evening for training, but I'm going to try to get some stuff done before one of the thousand ailments start creeping up. 

Dd has not taken a break in this house, but I haven't had a chance to get in gotten in trouble or be warned about anything. I haven't had maintenance since last Wednesday(!!!) Here. 

I just sent him a text. *is your palm twitchy?* 

*Lol. Little bit.*

I figured ;) 

Hope everyone has a great Monday :) 
Xo! 
Elle 

The hairbrush and complaining...

He tried out the hairbrush last night...... On my poor little curvy, bare behind.... 

He was watching some college basketball, I was playing games on my phone, checking Facebook, doing nothing. I'm gonna go hop in the shower. It's 9:37. Ummm yes, I'll hurry. HoH look. Quick cheesy smile.

I grabbed panties out of my drawer and a flimsy tank and hurried in the shower.  I was just getting ready to turn the water off when he placed his arms around me and grabbed the ladies (lol).  I gasped! What is he, a ninja?! I never even heard him, lol. 

We shower together so often I feel lonely if I'm in there by myself. He takes one alone every morning before he leaves for work, so he may not feel the same. Although, I am supposed to be getting up with him, but that's been a big fail... I should start getting up and showering with him every morning. That would be a great way to start the day. He does want me up with him... Which makes me wonder why he hasn't been enforcing that rule? request. I'll have to ask him. 

He dried me off (so sweet!!) and I got dressed in what little attire there was to be dressed in anyway and went to our bedroom. I grabbed my phone to plug in, not really paying attention, then noticed he had his? our? the implements laying on the end of the bed. 

He always places his hand out, gesturing me to the bed. He's not dressed so formally, like this picture though, lol. Sometimes google images are not helpful, lolol :) 

He slid my panties down and I immediately wondered why he let me put them on for the 15/20 seconds that I had them, lol. That thought was immediately followed by the sensation of his hand skimming my leg all the way from my hips to my ankle.... 

Still having trouble with my shoulder/underarm, so it took us a minute to get me into a good position. He began with a little bit of a lecture... The one I'd been waiting on from last week. We have agreed to try to not have such a delayed punishment, but we know in doing ttwd, having three young kids, plus his job, and two fire departments, opportunities aren't always going to be available. We are going to have to be flexible and work around things. 

He started with the little toy ping pong paddle thing. That's always his warmup. I forgot to count, he tapped the right side of my behind. Oh! Two! 

I kept turning around to see what implement was next. I was am? definitely a little afraid of that hairbrush.  He gave me the look again. I turned back around. 

I sometimes think he strikes a little too high. Is he supposed to only get the bottom part of my behind? He said I'll just complain that he strikes in the same place. Which, I then felt badly about. I do NOT need (or want!!!) to comment or complain. I'm really bad to say ow.. or too high.. or any other comments. Whether its maintenance or punishment, I just need to keep my mouth shut. But, that's always been my problem... I need to work on that. If we ever do boot camp, that's something I would want to focus on. 

Overall, I thought the hairbrush was okay. I know he took it easy on me last night. I don't feel it at all today. He said its very easy to control, so that's good. I can definitely see how I could come to not like it though! 


What's your favorite implement? 

Xo! 
Elle 

Thankful & a recap of the weekend...

First, I am so thankful for all of you! I was so worried and nervous and so grateful all of you stopped and took a second to send me love and thoughts! I would absolutely do it for you, too! Fireman was amazing for me (everyday, but specifically yesterday). He was calm and strong, like always. 

He answered questions for me when we first got there when I was too upset to speak coherently, he placed his hand on my shoulder letting me know he was there, and he gathered my things for me when they took me to X-ray. He waited patiently outside that room, then sat right beside me as I laid exhausted on the bed (it was seriously past my bedtime!). I draped my leg on his and he held on tight. 

He told me stories from his day, he had been on a fire call right as soon as he got to the station for training and told me about different things to keep me from going to dark places. He was just there. And I'm so thankful for him too. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I'm glad God picked him for me. :) 

***** birthday weekend *****

Saturday, birthday eve, we did nothing at all during the day and it was great. I knew we had the chance of getting a grandparent babysitter, so I asked him if we could maybe go out. What did you have in mind? Dinner and a movie? That's exactly what I had planned, sounds great. 

We watched television, the kids played, we had yummy lunch. He wouldn't tell me where we were going for dinner. Usually, I figure everything out. I am the hardest person to surprise. He wouldn't budge. I'm excited for dinner. Me too! Where are we eating? No, I will not slip up and tell you. Stop asking. Lol. 

We had great conversation in the car on the way, great conversation at dinner.  The movie was really good. Zero Dark Thirty. Has anyone else seen it? Very intense(!!!) but very good. It was loud and scary at a lot of points, but we both liked it. We got home late, snuggled, and I'm sure I fell asleep quickly. 

On Sunday, we had another great day. Church, the girls picked one of my favorite places for lunch, then we came home. Fireman surprised me with a soooo yummy cookie cake inscribed with Happy Birthday Mommy. Huge surprise!! He really outdid himself this weekend! 

We ordered Italian for dinner, kids got in bed and we snuggled on the couch. :)  It was probably one of the best birthdays I've ever had. :) 

I bought a hairbrush, finally. It's definitely scarier than I thought it would be. We haven't really gotten to try it out. We had a little miscommunication about it... He wanted to try a fun spanking with it, I thought he meant maintenance... He was all giggly and well.. It just ended badly. We talked about it yesterday and got everything straightened out (chalk another one up for communication!!!). I feel so bad that I misunderstood him! And I told him that I was still expecting an actual punishment from last week, so he understood my miscommunication. 

I love ttwd. I know fireman does too. 

The side effects are enough to keep me wanting dd for the rest of my life. The closeness, the ease of (okay, easier) communication, the bedroom effects. I have already told him he's getting a big thank you from me tonight. I was ready to thank him last night, but we were both exhausted after we got home. I need that good-girl spanking (unless he decides I need a real one...) and some sexxxxy time :)  now, how much longer til he gets home?! 


Xo! 
Elle 

Looking up..

 Tomorrow I will be a whole year older. I actually have no problem with getting older, I know it's a privilege that many don't see. My problem is looking older, lol. My mother looks amazing for her age. She will be 50 soon, but doesn't look it. People honestly think we are sisters sometimes. I've always told her I hope I age as gracefully as she has. 

My fireman has always looked young also. He's going to age in that dignified manner, I just know it. He's always been so irresistible to me. I was looking at older pictures recently and even then, he made my heart flutter. Looking at those pictures reminds me easily. 

It still happens now. I will look at him, his eyes, his shoulders, his hands, his mouth.... I could go on and on. Just one glimpse of him has almost the same reaction as him calling me a "good girl."  I could stare at him forever. :) 

Thursday and Friday of this week were downers. Even after I posted my edit to the last page, my mood crept back up. A comment he made.. as purely fact, I mistook and that escalated into a small argument. He told me sternly to go to bed. I sat on the couch for a minute longer.. I really didn't want our evening to go that way, but it already was. It was getting a little past my bedtime, so I waited momentarily, then got up and went to bed. 

I really expected him to come in, tell me to remove my panties, and climb up on the bed. I knew I deserved it. I knew I had been disrespectful by not listening to him explain, I had been moody all day. Instead, I laid there watching a rerun on the DVR and fell asleep. 

It carried over. Ugh. Yesterday I was crummy. We texted, argued a little. I got a little mouthy. I knew if he found the opportunity, I would be in for a punishment yesterday evening. He was slightly late getting home from work, I had somewhere to be at 6, then the girls were having a mini-sleepover. 

He did tell me that he intended to cool-down and come in after I went to bed Thursday night. But, by the time that happened, I was asleep. I was am thankful he swears to never spank when angry. I know mad is bound to happen, but when he's really angry, he swears he won't do it. 

They were up late, we cuddled on the couch and watched the end to a movie we'd started last weekend but never finished. Then we finally went to bed. I was a little surprised when he didn't give me the spanking instructions, but I think he probably didn't think it was the right time with company being in the house. 

At some point today, I know I'll receive it. I'm going to try to not pout or get out of it. I don't want to make excuses as to why he should let me off the hook. I don't want to question him and ask why he wants me to come in our bedroom. I need the reset, the reaffirmation, the reminder. I need the connection and probably the release, too. 


I'm sure I'll let you know how it goes. 

Xo, 
Elle 

Who would've thought?

Last night was a busy night. I swear, I don't see my husband until Thursday some weeks =\ 

I had a hair appointment, the girls each wanted their hair cut, and the only time my beautician had available before my birthday this weekend was last night. I started dinner, fireman finished it, and made my plate. If you don't eat this before you leave, I'm going to be upset with you. Okay, I'll eat it. It looks great. 

It wasn't the sit-down family dinner I swear every week we are going to do every night (so unrealistic for us...), but it was nice (and yummy)!! 

The girls and I went to our appointment, the baby and fireman stayed home and watched the Barrett-Jackson car auction and some college basketball. We stopped by the grocery store on our way home and got back a little later than I'd liked, but we needed groceries, so not much you I can do about it. 

I got everything for #1 ready for school the next morning, we sent the girls to bed, and I cuddled up next to fireman on the couch for a few minutes before my looming bedtime. Did you read any? (One of my requests for the week is to read a financial/budget book.. It's easy to read and I'm a fast reader...). Ummm yes? Crap, I'd forgotten to get to that today. Wrong answer. 

Rats. I figured it was maintenance night and I was wondering if he'd actually punish a little extra for not completing the request. Come on, he gestured to our bedroom. I tried to get out of it a little, giving pointless excuses and reasoning. Why? I have no idea. It's not going to work. I want this lifestyle, so why do I try to get out of it? 

He started, but our bed sits up so high, it's getting awkward to lay across it.  Usually, he does ten with the little toy paddle, but at 12 (counting in my head instead of out loud), I said hey, don't you usually only do 10, isn't that 12? I don't know. Smack. Why don't I know? Smack. Hmm? 14, I counted out loud from then on. Point made, lol :) 

Climb up on the bed. I know, I'm sliding. I scooted. 

No, like completely climb up. 

Now, lay down on your elbows. Oh, what a position. New and scary, but all of the instruction from him made me tingly inside! 

He switched up implements a couple times, rubbed, squeezed... I love the rubbing and squeezing. Then he laid his hand on my lower back and said commanded? instructed: stay there and walked out of the room. Whaaattttt? Yummy. Submission at its finest. Simple instruction, very risqué pose with my chest down, behind up, and facing where I couldn't see the door. I had no idea of what he was doing or how long he'd be gone, but I was staying there. For him. 

He came back. Smack. Rub. What are you going to do tomorrow? Um, laundry? Smack. Rub. What else? Take my mom to the doctor! Smack. Rub. What else? Read! Good girl. Tingles!! Did he just call me a good girl! haawwwwtttt! Smack. Rub. Anything else? Is that a trick question? Smack. I don't know? I was just checking, you're done. Hugs. 

You can go to bed now. Oh I can? Then the look. You don't know when to stop do you? I wondered if he'd come back and spank more, but he didn't. He just tucked me in our bed and kissed me goodnight. 

I went to sleep thinking about him calling me a good girl. I never would've imagined him saying it.... And never would've imagined enjoying it the way I definitely did :) who would've thought?! 

Wonder if I'll get another "good girl" anytime soon.... 

Xo! 
Elle 

Written by Fireman & me :)

My fireman posted this as a comment on my Submission post, but I think it needed to be its own post :) 

At the risk of totally hijacking my loves blog, I want to offer a perspective if I may. I came from a semi-old fashioned home. Both parents worked, and mom waited on my dad hand-and-foot as the saying goes. Dad was never demanding about it though, don't misinterpret. In retrospect, dad just was overly helpful/considerate in some ways I think. Very rarely do I ask L to do things for me. God knows the kids run her ragged all day. The way I feel about it, is that I have two legs and can get my lazy ass up and do whatever I need to. Dare I say it, but I feel a bit like an ass to have her do these trivial things. I don't EXPECT her to make my dinner plate. I've even gotten the angry eye for doing it myself. My "motive" if you will is to be "helpful", and no more a burden upon her than any other way that I'm likely oblivious to already. 

The point I'm trying to make, whether it bares any similarity for any of you ladies, is that "submissiveness" MIGHT have more to do with us guys. I'm appreciative for everything my love does. I'm probably not helping her BE submissive because of the things I try to take care of on my own. So in trying to do the "good husband" things in my eyes, I'm likely impeding this feeling for her unknowingly. And I wonder if I'm not alone amongst other husbands. I actually had no idea that this happened for her at my family function. I DID notice that she seemed a little too excited/anxious to get me the pie, but the curiosity disappeared about as quickly as the slice on my plate. Obviously, I need to be more cognizant of these "little opportunities"? And surely this can go both ways, I mean, we do LIVE FOR one another, right? This could be just as difficult for me as it is for her!!! Lol.

I love that you said we live for one another :) it makes me melt. You have a good point. Maybe a lady's submissiveness can be helped more by her husband. 

Maybe it's a great idea that Pocahontas had in this post. She wrote how they talked about what being submissive, and correspondingly dominant also, means to both of them and that it really helped their expectations. Maybe we need to do this too? 

We also just talked via text about the statement he made about his mom waiting on his dad. That shocked me because she doesn't do it now. (She has even told me, why are you making his plate? He can make his own plate!) She doesn't as much anymore. But when we were kids, it was drastically different. 

I don't want to stop and make it look like it never happened..

Definitely something to think about for me today. 

Xo,

Elle & Fireman :) 

Submission

Friday night, something tiny happened and I was proud of my fireman. Unless he noticed my eyebrows raise in pleasant surprise, I think he has no idea.  The tiny event may have not even registered on his radar, but it certainly did on mine. 

I've been working on the gift of submission. I think it was June (The Dish with Ward and June) who said submission is a gift, because you can't force it. (If it wasn't June and it was someone else, just let me know, lol!) June (& Ward too!!) were so sweet and emailed me suggestions to help with submission. 

I want to fully embrace this semi-new life we've taken on. I have written about struggling with submission, but they helped me realize it can be very simple. It can be as easy as fixing dinner and making his plate. Oddly enough, this is something I've always done. It makes me feel good to make his plate and hand it to him. It's been very rare in our life for me to have not done it. I feel very pleased that I've been doing it for so long. Maybe I can be submissive after all ;) 

In their last blog post, I think June said it perfectly. ".. Everything I do, every look that I give, every response that I utter is an opportunity to express my submission to his leadership."  So very true. 

I always want my fireman to know how much I trust him and that I'd do anything for him. I think he knows, but I want him to really know. I've tried to become aware of my actions. I try to not interrupt him (which I am bad to tend to do), I try to really listen to what he's saying, and do little, everyday things for him. 

We had a family function to attend on Friday night with his family. We sat closely, as we can't seem to stay away from each other. (Magnets!!!) when the pizzas arrived, I made the kids their plates and I turned to make his. He had mine all ready :) So sweet when I know he's thinking about me. 

A little while later, there was cake. A few of the other guests got themselves pieces and it happened..... 

Will you get me a piece of cake please? My eyebrows raised slightly and I smiled. Sure :) 

I was so proud of him for actually asking me to do something for him!! It was a very small gesture, but it meant a lot to me. You have to start somewhere ;) 

Panic..

We are chatting the other night, pretty much about nothing in particular, then I ask him how he thinks I'm doing with all this. Very well, considering you're a control freak. Uh, excuse me? I wha...? I played dumb. Of course I am was a control freak. 

I just worry. About everything. All the time. 

I am not a my-way-or-the-highway kind of person. I grew up in a house like that and fought it my entire life. I don't want my kids to grow up that way. But, I feel like if I don't control something in the situation, that I might lose it. I feel like I need to know some things are going to be fine and the only way that can happen, is if I am ... You guessed it.. In control. 

I get stressed out in big groups. All judge~y and such. So I feel like if I dress cute and look nice, I'll be okay. I don't know how many meltdowns I've had before we leave to go somewhere, I can't find something to wear, start flipping out and decide I'm not going. I'm sure my fireman will remember wayyyy too many times that's happened. So, my point is, I don't have to be in control of everything.. Just something that makes me feel better. 

But the stuff I have no control over gets to me sometimes. I will have full on panic attacks. Thankfully, I can still function, but they happen. 

Last week I was driving, the girls watching a movie, the baby being quiet watching and riding along. My brain, I often wonder if it works the same as everyone else's. I have tendencies to go morbid, worry about the craziest things, or like in this instance, one thought takes to me to another and another, and so on until I'm reliving something I wish never happened. 


I am hoping this doesnt trigger again... When #2 was an infant, she got very sick.  Very sick. Family members didn't know if she would make it sick. We were transferred to a hospital with a pediatric intensive care unit, she had to be intubated during a procedure, I saw her and couldn't move. The nurses were like get out of the way, I think maybe someone moved me. I don't know. It's blurry. But I will never forget that. Ever. I don't know how, but she made it through with no problems (well, I do. I'm religious). They couldn't even figure out what happened. I just thank God every day for her. 

That day in the car, I relived it and panicked. I kept driving, eyes on the road, hands safely on the wheel, but my heart raced and it was hard to breathe. 

Today it happened again. I was cleaning away, trying to get my kitchen floor done (thanks FlyLady- if you need help organizing and cleaning, google her!). I made myself a glass of sweet tea and our pitcher leaked. It ALWAYS does. I thought, oh I am so adding that to my list...  

I sent my fireman a text: *I'm getting 3 things from WalMart this weekend. Want to take a stab at what?* I went back to cleaning and organizing. 

A little later, text chime. *Um. Smirnoff. Trash bags. And a wooden spoon?*

*I have Smirnoff. I didn't know we needed trash bags. Yes spoon. Hair brush. And now I swear I forget the third thing. Lol. Omg* 

And then it hit. I seriously couldn't remember. It was only a few minutes ago. I am not even 30. I forget all the time. I have always been forgetful. My grandmother has Alzheimer's. Bad. My mind is racing. My heart pounding. Absolute panic. 

*Omg. This is why I'm terrified of getting old. I'm so going to get Alzheimer's. You're not going to be able to deal with it. I'm going to be alone. O. Full on panic attack.*

He didn't realize how serious I was. I had tears. I went to the bathroom to sit on the edge of the tub away from the kids. The worst panic attack I think I've ever had. 

Organizing the cabinet for Tupperware and cleaning supplies under the sink brought me out of it. My hands were still shaky, but I was through it. Before ttwd, I would've flipped out on him for not replying or checking on me. It would've been ww3. 

I sent a non confrontational text. I'm actually a little proud of this moment! He thought maybe I was just being dramatic he said since he couldn't physically see me and wasn't here. I explained that I am terrified of losing my memory. And that I'm even more terrified of being alone. Not just alone, but without him. 

Text chime. 
*Baby doll! 
Seriously! You CANNOT be worrying about that. AT ALL. PERIOD. You get so worked up over nothing. The reason you forget things is bc there are three kids running around wanting, needing, and fighting every 5 minutes. Plus whatever you're trying to do to get ready to go somewhere or pick up around the house. It's just simple sensory overload for you. THAT'S the reason. 
And I'm not going anywhere. You will NEVER be alone as long as I'm around. I made that commitment to you six and a half years ago. So don't you dare ever say again that you're going to be alone.*

Tears. But happy tears. He is the only person that can pull me out of this spiral that I can find myself in. 

I can't wait until it's just the two of us later. I'm thankful it's Friday. Happy weekend! I'm sure well be around this weekend though :) 

Xo, 
Elle