All better... For now.

I haven't had the words to write lately. I think it's been weeks since I've written a post. Fireman, I think, might know since he hasn't requested a post in quite some time. 

I was in a dismal place and I don't really know why. It wasn't just because of the deaths we'd both had in our families, it seemed something more. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I still can't. It just felt like I was drowning in everything. Completely overwhelmed with everything. At one point, Fireman & I actually fought over dishes. Dishes! It wasn't even a full sink load of dishes either and the ridiculous argument lasted for half the day. What the f%#*? I know, right? Dumbest. Argument. Ever. (Or at least since we began ttwd!!)

Speaking of ttwd, in our my hiatus from Blogland, we passed our 1 year milestone. I don't even think Fireman knows we did, but it's true. We've had bumps and some of us bruises-lol- but it's overall been a very positive experience. We're closer than we've ever been. I'm glad I did get the courage to bring it up to him. I still wish I could remember exactly what I said though, lol. I think my brain is selectively blocking it so I don't feel stupid, lol. :)

Back to my original post though... 
I couldn't take bring alone in my head any longer. I sent him a text, sort of opening the lines of communication between us. I was hoping to begin some sort of dialogue, but I really didn't know where our conversation would travel. 

Monday morning I told him that everything was messed up, that it was the same thing every week. We get connected on Monday, which I do love, but then the rest of the week, it feels like I'm on my own and we drift.... Then Monday rolls around and it begins again. 

Our texting convo wasn't going anywhere. I had to do something drastic for him to understand. He just wasn't getting it.  It helped. He understood, we got a LOT hashed out. He felt like I was disconnected during our spanking times... I thought I was doing good by not whining or saying ow, lol. Big misunderstanding between the two of us. 

He said something that I understood. Idk how to fix that connection aside to say that I think it resides in you to give yourself mentally instead of just physically. 

After we posed some good points, he texted: I'm blown away by our conversation today. There is a HUGE disconnect between us in what we anticipate it "expect" from each other. 

Well, we never talk. 

I guess that's true. 

....(more convo).... We are going to work on that. 

(Not trying to be rude here, just honest). You can't even enforce rules. How are we going to work on something else? 

You'll see. 

I'll see what? 

Tonight. You'll see. 
How were going to work on being more "vocal" about what you want. 

(Here's where I start freaking out slightly...) I don't know.

No more I don't knows. There's nothing for you not to know. Trust me. 

I absolutely trust him. With every part of me. The day dragged on, kids were wild, he was gone, it was slightly disastrous. He texted me at 8:45, Are the kids in bed?  Almost. Once you get them in bed, I want you showered. Ummm okay, I had already planned on that, but alright.., I didn't text that, just though it to myself. 20(ish) minutes later.. Status?  Apparently he was eager. I want you in position before I get there. 

I was.. I heard him pull in, got in place and waited. He took his time, but I did hear him come by our room to peek in and check. I heard him in the kitchen, heard him around the house, then finally he came in. 

He wasn't lying when he said I'd see. It was roughhhhh for me. Not the spanking, the task. Well, I guess the spanking part, too. That was 36 hours ago and I'm still feeling remnants of it. He was in HoH mode for sure. 

I was happy with the progress, but he is somewhat disappointedthat it was as hard (for me) as it was. And unfortunately he has a good point. I promised to keep working on it if he did. He said absolutely. 

Yesterday, the effects were obvious. I slept great Monday night, I woke up in a great mood. There was no arguing with the kids, no freaking out, none of that drowning feeling I had. Today, I'm still feeling good, but worried. I don't want us to lose the connect. 

I sent him a text about it. I'm supposed to remind him tonight that we need to have some quality time. And by quality, I mean spanking. That leads me to ask... How do you tell your SO that you need it? I have a very hard time with it. I can text it, but what about when you're together? 

Xo, 
Elle