October!

These words have been so hard to find. I've had this post titled for days, with ideas of how to say what, but when it came to it... I couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself write. I love writing. Even if I had zero followers and Fireman didn't read, I'd still write. 

I used to write letters to him all the time. I remember I wrote him one the night after we got engaged. I was awake, he was in bed. I sat on our sofa and looked in at him as words came to me. I gave it to him on our wedding day, I believe. He sent me a sweet card the day we were married also. We are note people. I do wish he would write to me more, even if it was just on here. Sometimes he does in a text or on Facebook. I love his words. He has a way with them also. 

We had another tragedy strike our family, this time on my side. A very important person in my life passed away. It was so strange being so close to the other passing we had just dealt with, but we can't control those things. My family rallied around each other through the unbelievably difficult time. I've never been more glad that I have such a large family. 

My husband couldn't have been any better to me during all of it. So many emotions, so many things I wish I could explain to help you understand, but I just can't. Lets just say, it was a complicated life this person led (long before I was born) and some of those people in his early life came around to make all of us miserable. We generally go about our lives pretending they don't exist, but when his passing occurred, there was no getting around it. 

I did just fine at the hospital, even the visitation. Then the morning of the funeral I lost it. I couldn't find anything to wear. I know that sounds unbelievably trivial, but I had just spent the day before shopping with other members of my family making sure they had something to wear. I bought one outfit myself, but wore it to the visitation. 

I had in mind to wear a dress, but then I hated everything I put on. Clock is ticking. We need to leave. I'm in panties and a bra. Fm is dressed and ready. Tears and my mouth are running at full force. Mad at myself for not planning ahead. Mad at myself for not bring ready. Mad because I don't know who I am. All I have is that I can look nice when we need to go somewhere and now I'm failing at that. 

At the visitation, I made small talk with the hundreds of people (oh yes, hundreds) that came to pay their respects. Some I didn't know, some I knew through other family members, some I did know. I swear the majority of them would say you look so nice, you always do. I heard it over and over. One person I hadn't seen in more than 15 years told me she couldn't believe I was grown up (knew her when I was a child) and that I looked pretty. She said oh you always have been so pretty though.  Fireman said the sweetest thing, she's always gorgeous. Melt. The lady just smiled at his sweet compliment and said I can tell you think so. 

My family, my mother's side, very much resembles each other. We are all blonde, with the same skin tone and eye color. We aren't all the same size, but we look like sisters. You can tell we are all related, so we always hear well, which one are you? Or okay, who do you belong to?  Extended family came in from out of town.  I hadn't seen these people in quite a while, in fact I believe it was their first time meeting my husband. They had never seen my children.  I happened to be at my grandmother's when they arrived, so I went out to help them in. 

Her first words to me: which one are you? I replied.. Oh yes, she said. The pretty one. I remember you. 

Don't get me wrong.  I'd be completely distraught if I never heard that I looked nice/pretty/whatever.  It just made me realize remember that I don't know who I am.  I don't know what people say about me after they meet me.  Or what they say after they've known me for a while. 

I don't have that strong personality that some people have.  The one where you know exactly who they are after you meet them.  I don't know if anyone can relate.  Maybe I've officially lost my mind, lol, it's been possible for quite some time.  

I can't name my favorite kind of music.  I like a little of everything.  I can't name a specific fashion trend. A style. A food group. I know my favorite color, but even with that I have more than one. I'm not like Fireman.  I knew who he was the instant I met him.  He has grown and acquired new (or I'm sure they were there all the time) interests.  He says he knew I was it the moment we met, but I don't know.  

So, that's why I've been absent.  I'm just a little lost. I'm lost in myself.  My thoughts are a little scattered and memories of my lost loved one are intwined with everything.  

I do hope October is better than September.  

I hope I snap out of this soon, but I don't know how it will happen exactly. 

I know I have a lot of reading to catch up.  I hope you're all doing well!
xo, 
elle