Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I don't like asking for it....

Whatever you want to call it, role-affirmation, maintenance, an attitude adjustment or just keeping the spankee in line, not a punishment spanking.... Maybe it's that explicit spanking that leads to some super hot sex afterward or maybe it's just that 'I'm in charge and you need to remember it' spanking.  Whatever you want to call it, I don't like asking for it. 

Requesting might be the more appropriate term. Asking for it seems like a phrase for bratting to get some attention. So, I don't like requesting it. 

We have had agreements in our past editions of ttwd that I will ask for it when I need or want it, then he would take care of it. He can't read my mind, he wants to know when I feel that way. It's important that I communicate my needs/wants just as it is important for him to communicate that as well. We're not great at the communication. As you may remember from earlier blog posts, we text great. We can talk all day via text. We chat about everything, about nothing, important to unimportant. But face to face, we're not so great at. 

Here's the thing though... it usually doesn't happen when I make the request. That's not really a great feeling to have, to have opened up about it and then not having it. It's hard to muster up the courage to send the text about it, then awaiting the response. Sometimes it's yes okay.. or sometimes it's maybe we'll see.. or sometimes it's I don't know.  

In his defense, it is always open for discussion and he does still say he wants to know. But I have since refused to ask, after it once again not happening. It seems that I need that connected feeling more often than he does and it seems to fade a little more quickly for me than it does for him. I crave that feeling often. 

I crave the dominant side of him so often.  He has a look that he gets when he's in that mode and it makes him even hotter than he already is. His tone of voice and mannerisms change a little. It all adds up to a very excited Elle. =) 

More than anything though, I just want to be in our little bubble. I want to know that we are good. That he is handling everything and that I'm doing what I need to do. And of course, that I'm his and that's who I belong to.  

I wish we could stay in our bubble full time! 

I might just need to realize it's at his discretion whether it happens or not. Maybe that needs to be part of it. That might be a hard little pill to swallow though, but maybe that's part of the reason why this went wrong in the times before. I don't know that I can continue to relay that I want a session and it not be taken for exactly what I'm asking for. 

Not us, lol
Anyone have thoughts or insight? You know I always welcome all comments! :) 
Hope you all have a great Halloween!!!! 


Monday, October 27, 2014

Ladies & gentlemen... He is back :)

We had a jam-packed, slammed busy weekend. Well, Friday and Saturday at least. Sunday was fantastic. We attended church, a yummy breakfast, then sat on our couch and watched our football team WIN! LOL, we watched a really good movie and ended our Sunday like we usually do.... Walking Dead. 

I wasn't that impressed with last night's episode, but I'm a Daryl fan. So when Daryl is absent from the episode, it's not as good for me, lol. I did like that some of the events that occurred (no spoilers for any of you who haven't seen it yet!), but I want to know what happens next. I'm so impatient! 
Just to be fair, I am a fan of Lauren Cohan too, lol. FM & I agree this picture is hottt.  

Last week was a game-changer for us. My post made me realize just how much I missed ttwd. I texted FM. We talked.. and talked. We talked about the bad habit of his and how I want him to stop. He is working on it, but it's not gone as I wish it was. He says I don't understand addiction. I guess I don't. My feeling is just stop. Sure it will suck, but not forever and you'll be rid of the habit. We agree to disagree and I let it go. I really did. He doesn't do it around me and I really am trusting that he truly is trying to quit. 

I asked him at what extent he wants ttwd back.  All of it, but he realizes that's not what I want. Wrong, that is what I want, it's just the bad habit. He says he will take whatever he can get. Halfway, all of it, anything. He just wants it back. I compromise or give in.. or both. We can do whatever you want, with the promise that you really will continue to work on quitting.  

So ttwd is back... or we will see. We are trying it out, no major rules no giant leap in. We are just going with it. I think we aren't stressing out about it or trying to make it something it's not. 

Monday night we had a really good session. The following morning I asked him for feedback, something I always did when we were ttwd'ing before. It was exactly what I needed.  Me too FM, me too. 

So the rest of the week goes along smoothly, no problems. No sessions, even though I would've loved one (or 6, lol) more in there. We are already noticeably closer. It's that gravitational pull. It's back.  Fireworks. Only you guys know that feeling. You can't explain it to anyone else, not that I would ever try. 

The week kind of flew by. We had so much going on and Halloween activities this weekend. Saturday was nothing but me in the car. A little bit of spending time with the kids mixed in, but not much. 

Cue the blue flashing lights behind me while I was driving at one point. While I'm on the phone with FM. Expletive. Seriously, expletive lol.  That's not what I got pulled over for though, that's not illegal in the state I was in. At least not yet. Speeding. Something FM is always telling me to be cautious of. Can't help it! I have places to go and people to see! 

Luckily, I am an excellent driver :insert me with a sweet smile: and I have no tickets, no anything on my record. The police officer lets me go with just a warning, PtL! I do not have time for a ticket, nor any extra money I want to put toward paying a ticket with the holidays coming up! 

I call FM back to let him know what happened. That's fantastic that they didn't give you a ticket, love. You're still in trouble. 

All-caps expletive. Oh, that's right. We are back with ttwd in full-force.  I begin to explain my case. Yeah, I don't really want to hear it. It's a nice try. You're still in trouble. 

At this point, I'm just glad I made it through that day. So many stressful things leading up to the events that were taking place that day and I really did manage through them effortlessly. Except the damn cop that happened to pass me while I was coming-down-a-hill-while-driving-slightly-faster-than-I-should've-been <-- that's for FM, lol. :) 

Honestly, at this point I'm wondering if he'll actually hold up his end. His track record is not the best with consistency and punishment. Especially with punishment.  I didn't say much about it after I got home and we all had dinner. I think we may have watched some tv together with the kids before they ended up falling asleep watching a rented movie. I got a shower and he sent me to our room. 

I was pleasantly surprised with how he handled it. He started out with no warm-up.. ouch, but I did understand.  I protested about it, but he quickly reminded me that I was in trouble.  He lectured a little (which is more than he would've done in the past!!) and place his hand a little more forceful than he would've in the past too. (A little? A lot. but it was kind of hot along with getting his point across.)  He did take it easy and ended a lot sooner than I had anticipated, but I think he's still figuring things out for himself too.  

I do always try to be honest and give him any feedback he wants. I think we have this under our belts and we know how we messed up in the past. I really do think he's trying this time and not just doing it for me or because he thinks I want to. Not that I really think that's what was happening before, but I was afraid that's how it was.  

So, we will see how this goes. I'm not stressing out about it like I have in the past. I'm not asking for a specific list of rules, I think obviously I know the difference between right and wrong and I know mostly what he likes and doesn't. I think that will make a big difference too. 

Hope you all had a great weekend! 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Trust & Two years ago :)

It's been so long since I checked blogger and caught up with everyone's posts.  It's been so hard to carve out time to find to just read and catch up. I have missed everyone and I know I've missed a lot of posts. I hope you all are doing well.  :) 

Yesterday I checked my little TimeHop app- which by the way I love. I wish I would've downloaded it sooner than I did. I didn't realize how neat it was too see what you posted on Facebook years ago. I haven't been on instagram long, but that's fun to see too.  Anyway, I saw a post that reminded me of what we had done two years ago.. when I found the courage to bring up ttwd and probably saving our marriage forever. 

We've had bumps with it. We're not even practicing right now.. I do wish we were, but he knows the terms.  It's just up to him to fix himself so that we can move on. I can't do a ttwd lifestyle when he's still doing the one thing that I cannot handle. How would that ever work? But.. this post isn't about that. 

I  just can't believe it was two years ago.  

So much has changed since then, so much has been fixed, so much of the way I used to react and things I'd say.  I don't always still act like we are in a ttwd relationship, since we aren't, but I still see his looks. He may not mean to give them, but he does, lol.  

Even yesterday at breakfast.. I can't remember what I said, but he had a little threatening comment.  I politely reminded him that he couldn't do anything about it.. and he reminded me that the leather around his waist said he would, lol.  

I did try to initiate a conversation about when we are going to start it up again, but no dice. He just isn't really into talking about it and the bustle of breakfast didn't really allow for a convo about it. We had family stuff to do yesterday, then we came home to watch football and I fell asleep on him.  What can I say? He is a comfy place for me to fall asleep.  

I texted him a bit ago to let him know I did want to talk about it. He said okay and he'd let me know when he had a few minutes. I hate Mondays. It's still our busiest day of the week and he's not home until late. Coming off of Sunday when I usually get to spend all day when him, Monday is hard.  

Recently though, I realized that I really do trust this man with everything. Every thing I have, am, will be. I trust him.  I think that at the beginning of ttwd, I didn't. I know that I didn't at the beginning of our marriage either. I just didn't get it.  Maybe I was too young to realize or maybe it just takes time, I don't know. Or maybe ttwd helped with that. 

All I know is, I'm mad at him one minute.. and what would have drawn out into a three day argument before only lasts about 5 minutes now. I am more patient and more thoughtful about things. 

I want ttwd back, for the dynamic, for the feeling you get, for the hot sex, lol. I want it backkkkk. :) 

Other than that, things are fantastic around here. Just busy, like usual. We've added in a few more activities for the kids, so even busier than usual, but I wouldn't change it. I love this time of year, I love the cool weather and the leaves. I love Halloween and all of the fun decorations. I'm even one of those weird people that love the snow. I love all of it. :) 

Can't wait to catch up with everyone to see how it's going with everyone else. :)