Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Still no excitement...

What is it about life getting in the way? 

Monday, as predicted, didn't really get to see Fireman until late. We sat near each other on our sofa, he had a late dinner, and I probably dozed off. Bedtime hasn't really been a consistent rule.. I find myself not paying much attention to the time. 

Yesterday I did laundry all day. (Yay me!). I haven't gotten it all put away yet, but I will. We were invited out to dinner and decided to go, since we were both tired and didn't feel much like making dinner. 

I visited a relative in the hospital (she's fine, nothing serious) and ended up staying with her all night. It was her first night there, I knew she was worried and sometimes her husband sucks. He's not an HoH at all :(  

I came home super  early and got fireman out of bed. I had completely intended to shower with him, but I sat down on the sofa while he was getting his things together and kinda fell into a daze. Of course the hospital staff had been in and out all night, sleeping in a recliner isn't my comfy bed, and I was trying to be awake when she was so I could help if she needed. 

It clicked when I heard him open the bathroom door. Missed opportunity. I thought you'd come in and shower with me. I actually meant to and I'm not really sure what happened. Come and talk to me for a minute. What?  Talk about what? Just come and talk to me, I didn't get to talk to you at all last night. (I really was thinking he meant for maintenance, which we've never done morning maintenance, but anything is possible. I was just too tired for it...). He finished getting his work stuff together and finished getting dressed while we talked about nothing in particular. 

Tonight is another busy evening. Our girls have a class they take, then I have an exercise class I've already committed to attending (that was before the getting little-to-no sleep last night..). 

I will be home plenty early before bedtime.. And he will probably join me in my shower, I'm almost positive he will. We'll have to see what happens after ;) 


Oh PS, hop over to Ami's  page and send her some well wishes. She and her hubby have a difficult road ahead and I know she could use all the love she can get :) 

Monday, January 28, 2013


First, let me just say I love ttwd. Love love love it. I just defer big (and small!) decisions over to fireman and my life is easier. I wonder if his life is harder with more decisions though? Probably not. He's kind of think about it, make a decision, evaluate, then done with it, kind of guy. I'm like a think about it, obsess over it, obsess more, weigh options, compare, obsess, decide, regret, wonder about the other options, drive myself crazy, kind of person. I always worry I made the wrong decision. 

Even if it was something as silly as where we were going for dinner. I'd worry about the wait, how the waiter was, food, etc. I can hear you now. Wow, she is craaaaazy. Lol, it's true. 

No, I'm just worried about how my decision effects everyone else. What if we have a bad experience and it was my decision that sent us there? It's safe to say I seriously over think everything. 

I don't even know how I went to all that just now, lol. I was just going to post about how we had a super busy weekend and didn't get anything done around the house, or get to any spanking: maintenance or otherwise. It's strange how blogging will do that to you.. :) 

Friday I was down for the count all day.  I was never actually like sick, just felt really bad and exhausted.  Fireman took great care of me.  He's he best.  My ailments have made me feel like a 90 year old woman who is falling apart.  First it was Monday with the weird underarm pain, turned out to be just a pulled muscle.  Then a lower back issue that began after #3 was born that reoccurs often.  Then crazy sick-sleep-all-day Friday.  On top of a headache that has come and gone for almost 3 weeks now.  (That one is because of my eyes.  I need to call and schedule an appointment to get my reading glasses adjusted and fixed!!).  

See, who knew 29=90??? lol :)  

So anyway.. Take all that craziness, plus our beautiful (yes, super biased, but uh, it's also true! Lol) girls were models in a fashion show this weekend. They had practice, then the long day of the show, celebration dinner (where Fireman chose, lol) and I was exhausted by the end of the weekend. 

My house needs a lot of TLC, I feel like the laundry is everywhere. Mondays are not my favorite with Fireman being gone all day for work, then all evening for training, but I'm going to try to get some stuff done before one of the thousand ailments start creeping up. 

Dd has not taken a break in this house, but I haven't had a chance to get in gotten in trouble or be warned about anything. I haven't had maintenance since last Wednesday(!!!) Here

I just sent him a text. *is your palm twitchy?

*Lol. Little bit.*

I figured ;) 

Hope everyone has a great Monday :) 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Very Inspiring Blogger Award :)

Ward & June have so sweetly nominated me for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award!! Thanks so much! 

The Rules:
1. Display the award logo on your blog 
2. Link back to the person who nominated you 
3. State 7 things about yourself 
4. Nominated 15 other bloggers for this award & link to them 
5. Notify those bloggers & the award's requirements 

7 things about Elle: 
1. 7 is actually my favorite number
2. I went to college for early childhood education 
3. I love animals 
4. I love to dance, my favorite exercise class is a club-type atmosphere hip hop class 
5. I like to ride in my husband's fast car.. Watching him shift is sexxxxy ;) 
6. I took my drivers test at age 16 in a big SUV and everyone was really surprised, lol
7. I actually like to play ps3 with fireman :) 

7 things about Fireman: 
1. I play guitar (really well!! -Elle)
2. I'm certified in both municipal and industrial firefighting, in addition to being a hazmat technician 
3. I wanted to be an architect when I was a kid and an orthopedic surgeon when I was a little older
4. I'm a Scorpio, I think I fit it rather closely
5. I love to draw and paint, love art (he's very talented at this too!) 
6. I like cloudy days better than sunny days 
7. My favorite color is blue 

Our Nominees... I am going to name as many as I can, but I also don't want to leave anyone out! Feel free to message me and I'll add you! :) and, I'll try to not re-nominate, but I'm not completely caught up with reading lol!! 
(Alphabetically by blog!!)

Whew. All that linking is hard work, lol. Have fun and thanks again Ward & June! 

Friday, January 25, 2013

Under the weather..

On top of this being not the greatest week, I'm now sick. #2 quickly developed an ear infection yesterday, then I fell ill as soon as we finally made it home.

I have some gallbladder problems and its been fine... Until two days ago. Then last night got worse. I hate being sick. I do not have time to be sick! All of the kids have a yucky cold, they so generously gave it to me also, lol.

I'm so behind on reading everyone's new posts.. Hopefully I'll feel better later today and I can catch up.

Hope everyone in blog land is doing well!


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The hairbrush and complaining...

He tried out the hairbrush last night...... On my poor little curvy, bare behind.... 

He was watching some college basketball, I was playing games on my phone, checking Facebook, doing nothing. I'm gonna go hop in the shower. It's 9:37. Ummm yes, I'll hurry. HoH look. Quick cheesy smile.

I grabbed panties out of my drawer and a flimsy tank and hurried in the shower.  I was just getting ready to turn the water off when he placed his arms around me and grabbed the ladies (lol).  I gasped! What is he, a ninja?! I never even heard him, lol. 

We shower together so often I feel lonely if I'm in there by myself. He takes one alone every morning before he leaves for work, so he may not feel the same. Although, I am supposed to be getting up with him, but that's been a big fail... I should start getting up and showering with him every morning. That would be a great way to start the day. He does want me up with him... Which makes me wonder why he hasn't been enforcing that rule? request. I'll have to ask him. 

He dried me off (so sweet!!) and I got dressed in what little attire there was to be dressed in anyway and went to our bedroom. I grabbed my phone to plug in, not really paying attention, then noticed he had his? our? the implements laying on the end of the bed. 

He always places his hand out, gesturing me to the bed. He's not dressed so formally, like this picture though, lol. Sometimes google images are not helpful, lolol :) 

He slid my panties down and I immediately wondered why he let me put them on for the 15/20 seconds that I had them, lol. That thought was immediately followed by the sensation of his hand skimming my leg all the way from my hips to my ankle.... 

Still having trouble with my shoulder/underarm, so it took us a minute to get me into a good position. He began with a little bit of a lecture... The one I'd been waiting on from last week. We have agreed to try to not have such a delayed punishment, but we know in doing ttwd, having three young kids, plus his job, and two fire departments, opportunities aren't always going to be available. We are going to have to be flexible and work around things. 

He started with the little toy ping pong paddle thing. That's always his warmup. I forgot to count, he tapped the right side of my behind. Oh! Two! 

I kept turning around to see what implement was next. I was am? definitely a little afraid of that hairbrush.  He gave me the look again. I turned back around. 

I sometimes think he strikes a little too high. Is he supposed to only get the bottom part of my behind? He said I'll just complain that he strikes in the same place. Which, I then felt badly about. I do NOT need (or want!!!) to comment or complain. I'm really bad to say ow.. or too high.. or any other comments. Whether its maintenance or punishment, I just need to keep my mouth shut. But, that's always been my problem... I need to work on that. If we ever do boot camp, that's something I would want to focus on. 

Overall, I thought the hairbrush was okay. I know he took it easy on me last night. I don't feel it at all today. He said its very easy to control, so that's good. I can definitely see how I could come to not like it though! 

What's your favorite implement? 


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Thankful & a recap of the weekend...

First, I am so thankful for all of you! I was so worried and nervous and so grateful all of you stopped and took a second to send me love and thoughts! I would absolutely do it for you, too! Fireman was amazing for me (everyday, but specifically yesterday). He was calm and strong, like always. 

He answered questions for me when we first got there when I was too upset to speak coherently, he placed his hand on my shoulder letting me know he was there, and he gathered my things for me when they took me to X-ray. He waited patiently outside that room, then sat right beside me as I laid exhausted on the bed (it was seriously past my bedtime!). I draped my leg on his and he held on tight. 

He told me stories from his day, he had been on a fire call right as soon as he got to the station for training and told me about different things to keep me from going to dark places. He was just there. And I'm so thankful for him too. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I'm glad God picked him for me. :) 

***** birthday weekend *****

Saturday, birthday eve, we did nothing at all during the day and it was great. I knew we had the chance of getting a grandparent babysitter, so I asked him if we could maybe go out. What did you have in mind? Dinner and a movie? That's exactly what I had planned, sounds great. 

We watched television, the kids played, we had yummy lunch. He wouldn't tell me where we were going for dinner. Usually, I figure everything out. I am the hardest person to surprise. He wouldn't budge. I'm excited for dinner. Me too! Where are we eating? No, I will not slip up and tell you. Stop asking. Lol. 

We had great conversation in the car on the way, great conversation at dinner.  The movie was really good. Zero Dark Thirty. Has anyone else seen it? Very intense(!!!) but very good. It was loud and scary at a lot of points, but we both liked it. We got home late, snuggled, and I'm sure I fell asleep quickly. 

On Sunday, we had another great day. Church, the girls picked one of my favorite places for lunch, then we came home. Fireman surprised me with a soooo yummy cookie cake inscribed with Happy Birthday Mommy. Huge surprise!! He really outdid himself this weekend! 

We ordered Italian for dinner, kids got in bed and we snuggled on the couch. :)  It was probably one of the best birthdays I've ever had. :) 

I bought a hairbrush, finally. It's definitely scarier than I thought it would be. We haven't really gotten to try it out. We had a little miscommunication about it... He wanted to try a fun spanking with it, I thought he meant maintenance... He was all giggly and well.. It just ended badly. We talked about it yesterday and got everything straightened out (chalk another one up for communication!!!). I feel so bad that I misunderstood him! And I told him that I was still expecting an actual punishment from last week, so he understood my miscommunication. 

I love ttwd. I know fireman does too. 

The side effects are enough to keep me wanting dd for the rest of my life. The closeness, the ease of (okay, easier) communication, the bedroom effects. I have already told him he's getting a big thank you from me tonight. I was ready to thank him last night, but we were both exhausted after we got home. I need that good-girl spanking (unless he decides I need a real one...) and some sexxxxy time :)  now, how much longer til he gets home?! 


Monday, January 21, 2013

not what I want to write...

This is not what I want to write, at all.  I want to tell you all about my wonderful birthday weekend, great birthday-eve date that fireman and I got to spend together.  There's a lot to write about.. instead I have a big, BIG request. 

If you're the kind of person that prays, please say a little prayer for me.  If not, I do understand. Just send me some good thoughts, if you don't mind.  

Two or three days ago, my underarm started hurting just slightly.  It was a weird feeling, I thought maybe I'd just pulled a muscle.  Now, it's really, really hurting.  I checked out WebMD and nothing it says is good.  

Fireman wants to take me to get checked out tonight, he knows I'll do nothing but worry until we find something out.  I'm really, really worried.  

It's been a day of epic panic attacks.  The baby has to have surgery soon, to get his tonsils removed (they're awful!!) and we just saw a specialist today that wants to remove them.  I don't have a set day for it yet, but I was already stressing about it. 

Now this.  It hurts to sit in this position to type out this message, but it would make me feel better to have you guys in the loop and have your thoughts and prayers.  

I'm scared that I won't come back home.  I'm scared for my girls and the baby.  I am just really scared.  

This is not me.  I'm usually much stronger than this, but sitting here alone googling, the kids are all in bed.. and I'm just worried.  Fireman is at the station for training, but he should be home anytime and we're going to go to the emergency room.  

I will keep you posted.  And all of your posts are really helping me not think about things that I shouldn't. 


Saturday, January 19, 2013

Looking up..

 Tomorrow I will be a whole year older. I actually have no problem with getting older, I know it's a privilege that many don't see. My problem is looking older, lol. My mother looks amazing for her age. She will be 50 soon, but doesn't look it. People honestly think we are sisters sometimes. I've always told her I hope I age as gracefully as she has. 

My fireman has always looked young also. He's going to age in that dignified manner, I just know it. He's always been so irresistible to me. I was looking at older pictures recently and even then, he made my heart flutter. Looking at those pictures reminds me easily. 

It still happens now. I will look at him, his eyes, his shoulders, his hands, his mouth.... I could go on and on. Just one glimpse of him has almost the same reaction as him calling me a "good girl."  I could stare at him forever. :) 

Thursday and Friday of this week were downers. Even after I posted my edit to the last page, my mood crept back up. A comment he made.. as purely fact, I mistook and that escalated into a small argument. He told me sternly to go to bed. I sat on the couch for a minute longer.. I really didn't want our evening to go that way, but it already was. It was getting a little past my bedtime, so I waited momentarily, then got up and went to bed. 

I really expected him to come in, tell me to remove my panties, and climb up on the bed. I knew I deserved it. I knew I had been disrespectful by not listening to him explain, I had been moody all day. Instead, I laid there watching a rerun on the DVR and fell asleep. 

It carried over. Ugh. Yesterday I was crummy. We texted, argued a little. I got a little mouthy. I knew if he found the opportunity, I would be in for a punishment yesterday evening. He was slightly late getting home from work, I had somewhere to be at 6, then the girls were having a mini-sleepover. 

He did tell me that he intended to cool-down and come in after I went to bed Thursday night. But, by the time that happened, I was asleep. I was am thankful he swears to never spank when angry. I know mad is bound to happen, but when he's really angry, he swears he won't do it. 

They were up late, we cuddled on the couch and watched the end to a movie we'd started last weekend but never finished. Then we finally went to bed. I was a little surprised when he didn't give me the spanking instructions, but I think he probably didn't think it was the right time with company being in the house. 

At some point today, I know I'll receive it. I'm going to try to not pout or get out of it. I don't want to make excuses as to why he should let me off the hook. I don't want to question him and ask why he wants me to come in our bedroom. I need the reset, the reaffirmation, the reminder. I need the connection and probably the release, too. 

I'm sure I'll let you know how it goes. 


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Coming down....

I wish i had a sexy, upbeat post, but no. The high I was riding is coming down crashing down.... I'm trying to pull up.. To snap out of it, but it's still a steady, slow, very imminent crash. 

I took the evening off from my exercise class last night to be home with my fireman. I thought that would help. Yesterday was chaotic, the baby is not feeling well, #2 is my constant shadow, #1 is fighting me about everything, the cat is acting out, and pushing me completely over the edge is this headache that has been off and mostly on for a week. Plus, my birthday is 3 days away and it just doesn't feel like my birthday. 

I thought staying home and veg~ing out was what I needed. I made dinner, fixed my fireman's bowl of chili, he even asked me to fix him a drink(!!).  We spent a little time together after the kids got in bed, I had a bubble bath, and we had great sexxxxy time (hair pulling, anyone??? ::blush::) 

Then this morning... Crash. The stupid headache is back, not enough time in the day, sick baby, plus my little shadow. I even text my fireman about feeling blah. He tried to help, really, but he's been so busy at work lately, it's hard for him to text as much as usual. 

Baby to the doctor, he still has an infection in his throat :(  We now see an ENT on next week. I know they're going to want to take his tonsils out and I'm very nervous :( 

I get a text from my fireman after I pick up #1 from school and take her to her music class. *Do we have anything going on tonight?* I'm thinking no! Yay, he's going to say something about being together. Ummm, nope. My head was seriously not being smart. After my reply of *No, why?* I relieve a follow-up text about a possible fire and how he might go and blah blah blah. *Oh, fine*, I text back.  Ding. Ding. Ding. I am busy, but also not making time to check my text.  

*Are you ignoring me?* I finally catch a glimpse of the last one. *No, I'm busy.* A few minutes later, I think no. I'm not going to lie and just be mad later. We talk for a second and he says he's not going to be gone for hours. Alright, fine. I really was busy. 

I don't know. Why do we have to get in these crabby moods? Why can I just ride the high continuously? And the most important... How do I snap out of it? 

Hopefully I'll have a better, more fun, interesting post tomorrow morning.... 


****** edit 

Almost immediately after this posted, my mother-in-law brought some delishy dinner, my fireman made the kids plates while I rested on the couch. This headache has knocked me down today. I went in to help and he had everything done! I made one cup, he had the other two all ready. 

He made me a plate and even offered to get me more when I wanted it. He fixed me a glass of sweet tea and handed me two pills to take. How sweet is he?! 

I am already out of my crabby mood and want to sit super close to my amazing hubby. 

Hopefully he won't go too hard on me later if he decides on maintenance or a punishment for ignoring and being super crabby. 


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Who would've thought?

Last night was a busy night. I swear, I don't see my husband until Thursday some weeks =\ 

I had a hair appointment, the girls each wanted their hair cut, and the only time my beautician had available before my birthday this weekend was last night. I started dinner, fireman finished it, and made my plate. If you don't eat this before you leave, I'm going to be upset with you. Okay, I'll eat it. It looks great

It wasn't the sit-down family dinner I swear every week we are going to do every night (so unrealistic for us...), but it was nice (and yummy)!! 

The girls and I went to our appointment, the baby and fireman stayed home and watched the Barrett-Jackson car auction and some college basketball. We stopped by the grocery store on our way home and got back a little later than I'd liked, but we needed groceries, so not much you I can do about it. 

I got everything for #1 ready for school the next morning, we sent the girls to bed, and I cuddled up next to fireman on the couch for a few minutes before my looming bedtime. Did you read any? (One of my requests for the week is to read a financial/budget book.. It's easy to read and I'm a fast reader...). Ummm yes? Crap, I'd forgotten to get to that today. Wrong answer. 

Rats. I figured it was maintenance night and I was wondering if he'd actually punish a little extra for not completing the request. Come on, he gestured to our bedroom. I tried to get out of it a little, giving pointless excuses and reasoning. Why? I have no idea. It's not going to work. I want this lifestyle, so why do I try to get out of it? 

He started, but our bed sits up so high, it's getting awkward to lay across it.  Usually, he does ten with the little toy paddle, but at 12 (counting in my head instead of out loud), I said hey, don't you usually only do 10, isn't that 12? I don't know. Smack. Why don't I know? Smack. Hmm? 14, I counted out loud from then on. Point made, lol :) 

Climb up on the bed. I know, I'm sliding. I scooted. 

No, like completely climb up

Now, lay down on your elbows. Oh, what a position. New and scary, but all of the instruction from him made me tingly inside! 

He switched up implements a couple times, rubbed, squeezed... I love the rubbing and squeezing. Then he laid his hand on my lower back and said commanded? instructed: stay there and walked out of the room. Whaaattttt? Yummy. Submission at its finest. Simple instruction, very risqué pose with my chest down, behind up, and facing where I couldn't see the door. I had no idea of what he was doing or how long he'd be gone, but I was staying there. For him. 

He came back. Smack. Rub. What are you going to do tomorrow? Um, laundry? Smack. Rub. What else? Take my mom to the doctor! Smack. Rub. What else? Read! Good girl. Tingles!! Did he just call me a good girl! haawwwwtttt! Smack. Rub. Anything else? Is that a trick question? Smack. I don't know? I was just checking, you're done. Hugs. 

You can go to bed now. Oh I can? Then the look. You don't know when to stop do you? I wondered if he'd come back and spank more, but he didn't. He just tucked me in our bed and kissed me goodnight. 

I went to sleep thinking about him calling me a good girl. I never would've imagined him saying it.... And never would've imagined enjoying it the way I definitely did :) who would've thought?! 

Wonder if I'll get another "good girl" anytime soon.... 


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Written by Fireman & me :)

My fireman posted this as a comment on my Submission post, but I think it needed to be its own post :) 

At the risk of totally hijacking my loves blog, I want to offer a perspective if I may. I came from a semi-old fashioned home. Both parents worked, and mom waited on my dad hand-and-foot as the saying goes. Dad was never demanding about it though, don't misinterpret. In retrospect, dad just was overly helpful/considerate in some ways I think. Very rarely do I ask L to do things for me. God knows the kids run her ragged all day. The way I feel about it, is that I have two legs and can get my lazy ass up and do whatever I need to. Dare I say it, but I feel a bit like an ass to have her do these trivial things. I don't EXPECT her to make my dinner plate. I've even gotten the angry eye for doing it myself. My "motive" if you will is to be "helpful", and no more a burden upon her than any other way that I'm likely oblivious to already. 

The point I'm trying to make, whether it bares any similarity for any of you ladies, is that "submissiveness" MIGHT have more to do with us guys. I'm appreciative for everything my love does. I'm probably not helping her BE submissive because of the things I try to take care of on my own. So in trying to do the "good husband" things in my eyes, I'm likely impeding this feeling for her unknowingly. And I wonder if I'm not alone amongst other husbands. I actually had no idea that this happened for her at my family function. I DID notice that she seemed a little too excited/anxious to get me the pie, but the curiosity disappeared about as quickly as the slice on my plate. Obviously, I need to be more cognizant of these "little opportunities"? And surely this can go both ways, I mean, we do LIVE FOR one another, right? This could be just as difficult for me as it is for her!!! Lol.

I love that you said we live for one another :) it makes me melt. You have a good point. Maybe a lady's submissiveness can be helped more by her husband. 

Maybe it's a great idea that Pocahontas had in this post. She wrote how they talked about what being submissive, and correspondingly dominant also, means to both of them and that it really helped their expectations. Maybe we need to do this too? 

We also just talked via text about the statement he made about his mom waiting on his dad. That shocked me because she doesn't do it now. (She has even told me, why are you making his plate? He can make his own plate!) She doesn't as much anymore. But when we were kids, it was drastically different

I don't want to stop and make it look like it never happened..

Definitely something to think about for me today. 

Elle & Fireman :) 

Monday, January 14, 2013


Friday night, something tiny happened and I was proud of my fireman. Unless he noticed my eyebrows raise in pleasant surprise, I think he has no idea.  The tiny event may have not even registered on his radar, but it certainly did on mine. 

I've been working on the gift of submission. I think it was June (The Dish with Ward and June) who said submission is a gift, because you can't force it. (If it wasn't June and it was someone else, just let me know, lol!) June (& Ward too!!) were so sweet and emailed me suggestions to help with submission. 

I want to fully embrace this semi-new life we've taken on. I have written about struggling with submission, but they helped me realize it can be very simple. It can be as easy as fixing dinner and making his plate. Oddly enough, this is something I've always done. It makes me feel good to make his plate and hand it to him. It's been very rare in our life for me to have not done it. I feel very pleased that I've been doing it for so long. Maybe I can be submissive after all ;) 

In their last blog post, I think June said it perfectly. ".. Everything I do, every look that I give, every response that I utter is an opportunity to express my submission to his leadership."  So very true. 

I always want my fireman to know how much I trust him and that I'd do anything for him. I think he knows, but I want him to really know. I've tried to become aware of my actions. I try to not interrupt him (which I am bad to tend to do), I try to really listen to what he's saying, and do little, everyday things for him. 

We had a family function to attend on Friday night with his family. We sat closely, as we can't seem to stay away from each other. (Magnets!!!) when the pizzas arrived, I made the kids their plates and I turned to make his. He had mine all ready :) So sweet when I know he's thinking about me. 

A little while later, there was cake. A few of the other guests got themselves pieces and it happened..... 

Will you get me a piece of cake please? My eyebrows raised slightly and I smiled. Sure :) 

I was so proud of him for actually asking me to do something for him!! It was a very small gesture, but it meant a lot to me. You have to start somewhere ;) 

Friday, January 11, 2013


We are chatting the other night, pretty much about nothing in particular, then I ask him how he thinks I'm doing with all this. Very well, considering you're a control freak. Uh, excuse me? I wha...? I played dumb. Of course I am was a control freak. 

I just worry. About everything. All the time

I am not a my-way-or-the-highway kind of person. I grew up in a house like that and fought it my entire life. I don't want my kids to grow up that way. But, I feel like if I don't control something in the situation, that I might lose it. I feel like I need to know some things are going to be fine and the only way that can happen, is if I am ... You guessed it.. In control. 

I get stressed out in big groups. All judge~y and such. So I feel like if I dress cute and look nice, I'll be okay. I don't know how many meltdowns I've had before we leave to go somewhere, I can't find something to wear, start flipping out and decide I'm not going. I'm sure my fireman will remember wayyyy too many times that's happened. So, my point is, I don't have to be in control of everything.. Just something that makes me feel better. 

But the stuff I have no control over gets to me sometimes. I will have full on panic attacks. Thankfully, I can still function, but they happen. 

Last week I was driving, the girls watching a movie, the baby being quiet watching and riding along. My brain, I often wonder if it works the same as everyone else's. I have tendencies to go morbid, worry about the craziest things, or like in this instance, one thought takes to me to another and another, and so on until I'm reliving something I wish never happened. 

I am hoping this doesnt trigger again... When #2 was an infant, she got very sick.  Very sick. Family members didn't know if she would make it sick. We were transferred to a hospital with a pediatric intensive care unit, she had to be intubated during a procedure, I saw her and couldn't move. The nurses were like get out of the way, I think maybe someone moved me. I don't know. It's blurry. But I will never forget that. Ever. I don't know how, but she made it through with no problems (well, I do. I'm religious). They couldn't even figure out what happened. I just thank God every day for her. 

That day in the car, I relived it and panicked. I kept driving, eyes on the road, hands safely on the wheel, but my heart raced and it was hard to breathe. 

Today it happened again. I was cleaning away, trying to get my kitchen floor done (thanks FlyLady- if you need help organizing and cleaning, google her!). I made myself a glass of sweet tea and our pitcher leaked. It ALWAYS does. I thought, oh I am so adding that to my list...  

I sent my fireman a text: *I'm getting 3 things from WalMart this weekend. Want to take a stab at what?* I went back to cleaning and organizing. 

A little later, text chime. *Um. Smirnoff. Trash bags. And a wooden spoon?*

*I have Smirnoff. I didn't know we needed trash bags. Yes spoon. Hair brush. And now I swear I forget the third thing. Lol. Omg

And then it hit. I seriously couldn't remember. It was only a few minutes ago. I am not even 30. I forget all the time. I have always been forgetful. My grandmother has Alzheimer's. Bad. My mind is racing. My heart pounding. Absolute panic. 

*Omg. This is why I'm terrified of getting old. I'm so going to get Alzheimer's. You're not going to be able to deal with it. I'm going to be alone. O. Full on panic attack.*

He didn't realize how serious I was. I had tears. I went to the bathroom to sit on the edge of the tub away from the kids. The worst panic attack I think I've ever had. 

Organizing the cabinet for Tupperware and cleaning supplies under the sink brought me out of it. My hands were still shaky, but I was through it. Before ttwd, I would've flipped out on him for not replying or checking on me. It would've been ww3. 

I sent a non confrontational text. I'm actually a little proud of this moment! He thought maybe I was just being dramatic he said since he couldn't physically see me and wasn't here. I explained that I am terrified of losing my memory. And that I'm even more terrified of being alone. Not just alone, but without him. 

Text chime. 
*Baby doll! 
Seriously! You CANNOT be worrying about that. AT ALL. PERIOD. You get so worked up over nothing. The reason you forget things is bc there are three kids running around wanting, needing, and fighting every 5 minutes. Plus whatever you're trying to do to get ready to go somewhere or pick up around the house. It's just simple sensory overload for you. THAT'S the reason. 
And I'm not going anywhere. You will NEVER be alone as long as I'm around. I made that commitment to you six and a half years ago. So don't you dare ever say again that you're going to be alone.*

Tears. But happy tears. He is the only person that can pull me out of this spiral that I can find myself in. 

I can't wait until it's just the two of us later. I'm thankful it's Friday. Happy weekend! I'm sure well be around this weekend though :) 


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Maintenance and Bedtimes...

I feel like I haven't seen my fireman in forever. Monday was sickness, Tuesday he had a fire-related meeting, then last night was an activity for our girls, a quick break, then an exercise class for me. I want need a Saturday! 

I have a new bedtime rule. He wants me to wake up with him in the morning and try to get on a better schedule. It was mostly my fault that #1's morning was rushed and hectic. I wasn't getting her up early enough, not giving the two of us enough time to get ready for her to make the bus. I do not like arguing in the morning before she leaves (or arguing at all, really). 

It's not that much earlier for me to get up, maybe an hour, but it makes the difference in seeing him and that was enough of a reason for me. I was staying up later than I needed to before, but now it's much better. 

Except last night. We finally got the kids in bed around 8:45, my class was from 7-8, so by the time I got home I didn't have a lot of time. He pushed bedtime back to 10, we watched a little tv from Monday (thank God for DVR!), and got a shower together. It was after 10, but he let it slide. I am not sure what time I actually fell asleep, I'm sure it was before 11. I had asked if I could watch a little tv and he knows I hate not having the tv on when I go to bed!! 

Now, this morning I woke up late, only enough time for a long hug. I'm so tired right now... And I'm sad that I didn't get to see him more this morning. I texted him: I'm so tired. I'm sorry baby. 9:30 back in action. Lol. Lol okay man. 9:30 it is

Do you guys have any rules you thought you'd not like at first, but now appreciate?? 
On a positive note, I haven't been in trouble since last Wednesday!!! Whoo! I should get a party or something! (Speaking of... My birthday is coming up! Lol)

I really think maintenance has helped a lot with that. He has not done daily, I think he thinks it might get mundane if he would do it every single day. I don't know, he'll have to give his opinion on that. It has been happening just about every other night. 

Let me think..... Punishment Wednesday, maintenance Thursday (which he could've said was just the second part of Wednesday's punishment.. I deserved it), Saturday, but I can't remember Sunday! I think maybe, oops. I don't know for sure!! Tuesday was maintenance also, but none last night. 

Once it was funny. I tried to keep my pants. No. Then panties. No. (But i swear, I do that every time...) I laid across our bed and presented my bottom to him. He was quiet, I'm not entirely sure what he was doing if he was just making me be patient and wait, if he was checking out my behind. I couldn't take the silence and I knew the smack was coming, but I needed to say something! anything! Wait a minute, what's this for? Did you get a lecture? No. Okay, then if you don't get a lecture, it's just maintenance. Okay, got it. Works for me! *smack* pause... What's our procedure? Our procedure? Yes, what are you supposed to do? Counting, my brain thought. Oh, um one... 

Tuesday, he surprised me. I was not expecting maintenance. I had gotten everything ready for the next morning with his help, too. It was just before 9:20 and I was checking my phone before I went to our room. I walked in, he was standing by the bed with his favorite only? Implements on the end of the bed. 

I guess I'll have to see for tonight. I kind of like the every-other-daily maintenance. It makes me feel super connected and roles are definitely reaffirmed. 

I am loving our renewed life with ttwd. I don't think we've ever felt so close or together in anything. :)