Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A very unexpected turn of events.. 2

Read Part one here

I did not utter a single word on the fifteen minute ride home. I sat in silence staring out the window alternating between the front and the side. A few tears streamed down my face, but I tried to be as discreet as possible. I did not want him to see them. I just wanted to be invisible. 

I kept replaying events that occurred over the weekend. This was not the way an HoH was supposed to act. I was trying to live this lifestyle 100%. I was trying to not insert my opinion and sassiness every time I disagreed with one of his decisions. I was loving how close we were and how our already awesome sex life was even better, but he was(is?) not doing his part. He wasn't (isn't?) fulfilling his HoH role entirely. At least, not the way I expected he should. 

I see that probably where this has gone wrong. I have expectations and he has failed to hit them. He didn't really know they were there, but if he would've studied up and read the blogs and information I gave him, maybe he would. Just saying.... 

Unloading the car and carrying the sleeping kids to their beds, I fought tears hard. I kept replaying.  On a snowy little hill, he went down quickly. I just stood at the top. He wasn't going to help me down? Seriously? Hurry up, I'm going to get hit by a car. Yeah, well, I'm going to bust my ass in the snow. Not listening to me when I was seriously terrified of walking back to the car after the game. I just wanted to take a taxi. It was snowy and slick. My boots were not helpful. I kept sliding and I was afraid. He brushed it off. We'll be fine. You're not going to fall. I'm afraid of taking a taxi. What? Could he really not tell I was serious?

Now this. My head is spinning as I'm changing and getting in my bed. What have I been doing? Why do I love him so much more than he loves me? I've felt it so many times before. We've argued about it so many times before. I thought dd was the answer. I thought ttwd would help me. He would step into the HoH role and just love me. Just really make me feel like I'm the most important thing to him. I feel completely alone in my head. 

I'm making him sound like an awful person right now, I know. He's not. He's amazing. He really is. But when we get to this point, I don't know. I can never conjure up the happy memories in my head. I only revisit the bad ones. Not by choice. It's just what happens =\ 

I'm laying in bed, I can't even remember if the television is on.. I think it is. I'm playing with my phone. He comes in, are you just not going to speak to me? I don't even look up. I just shake my head. What is your deal? Silence. Seriously, what's your problem? Just leave me alone. I haven't done anything to you. Get out. Get up and get in there. He yanks the covers off me. Sorry, no. I cover myself back up. 

He walks to the kitchen and I know what he's doing. He's either grabbing the leather belt-type thing or the little play paddle. He comes back. Lets go, he pulls the covers off again. I stare right into his eyes. I pull the covers back over me. No. I'm done with this. I'm not doing it anymore. You're not doing your part. I'm finished. What are you talking about? No. I'm not talking about anything. Leave me alone. When you figure it out, let me know. 

That was it. I said we were finished with domestic discipline. I hadn't even been in trouble since last week. Only maintenance had been done, but now I don't know what's going on. We are in limbo. 

I'm not speaking to him still. We've probably had less than 10 words between us  all day. I'm stuck in my head. He's done laundry and straightened up. I made breakfast, he made dinner. 

I'm just stuck. 

He sent me a long set of texts... I guess that will be part 3. 

Xo, 
Elle

20 comments:

  1. Im so sorry your New Years went this way. Maybe after you read all of the texts you two can sit down and talk things through.
    I know you have got to be angry about the way things happened but try to calm down before talking to him. Sounds like you really care about each other and you don't want anger to get in the way of good communication!
    Tricia

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    1. Thanks. I think we will be talking some time today. I hate that the year began this way too.

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  2. (((hugs))) sweetie, guys are just really not likely to read a whole pile of stuff. I know...we get excited when we find stuff, they're really more 'in a nutshell' kind of functioning. It's frustrating, but their minds work different than ours.

    It is hard to communicate our needs. It's HARD to ask for the things we want or need. But it is okay to do it, and when you're making a huge change like this it's necessary. Maybe it would work better to say - I've been reading, and researching, and these are the things that appeal to me, these are the things I need from you...and this is where I've been reading. It's a little less overwhelming to him, he has a clear image of what you expect and then if he chooses he can explore.

    Take a breath, let yourself feel exactly what is causing the tears, and when you can, bring it to him. Whether you continue on the path of TTWD or not, the air needs to be clear.

    more (((hugs))) and brightest blessings.
    June

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    1. You are 100% right, June. Thanks so much.

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  3. Mr. D isn't much for reading and studying either, so I know how frustrating that can be. Sometimes it helps to sit down and go over the material together- I know not always possible with little ones afoot, but worth it when you can find the time. One of the biggest things I've come to understand in my research into DD is communication. You need to calmly tell him how you feel when you're uncomfortable in a situation. Our husbands aren't mind readers and quite frankly they can be somewhat oblivious at times especially when they're enjoying themselves, they assume we are too. Have faith you'll get through this and come out stronger.
    HUGS,
    Mrs. D

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  4. Oh, Elle. I've been there. Really I have. And sadly I'll probably be there again in the future.

    You know what you have to do already, but at the moment you are so very hurt. It is hard to see the forest for the trees when we are so wounded. I'm not sure why we do it, but you are not the only one that feeds the hurt with past transgressions.

    You need to concentrate on how you feel about him not doing what you want and him not understanding you- because right now that is exactly what he is going through ( I'd suppose). He has no idea what the issue is- as you said things have been good, so to him your reaction is coming out of left field. I'm going to use the dreaded communication word, but ttwd or not, that is the only thing that is going to make this go away. I get to the point where I don't want to talk to B. That I figure he should KNOW what is wrong- but as we've said all along men and women think differently. We wrap things up with emotion and then we can't think rationally. His rational mind can't figure out what is going on.

    I have faith that you can figure this out. Hopefully you'll let the good back in again :0)

    Big Hugs filled with understanding

    Willie

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    1. Willie, it makes me feel better that others have been there too. I could've written your post word for word, I think. Thanks!

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  5. Oh Elle, really, really, feeling for you right now. We have been there, and been there several times since, though I didn't blog about those times.
    Your fireman loves you, you know in your heart that he does. But...he is a male..is that all I need to say? They have no idea about things that we feel or think.
    That dreaded communication word...that word that will lead you to sit down and talk (oh, remind me next time about communication ok..)
    This time of the year is stressful and you are very hurt by his reactions or lack of and I can understand why. But you need to communicate, whether or not you stay in ttwd. Communication is the key :)

    Lots of hugs and love to you Elle. Chin up :)

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    1. Thanks M3. All of your words are very helpful and true. :)

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  6. oh hugs.

    you can't just sit quiet tho. he doesn't get it. and all he sees is you being difficult.

    tell him .
    tell him.

    tell him.

    tell him all the things that you're feeling and how AWFUL you felt when he did or didn't do something. they just don't get it most of the time.

    TELL HIM!

    and i hope things work out better soon!

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    1. Thanks fondles. You're right, too!

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  7. Communication - Communication - Communication -
    Communication - Communication - Communication -
    Weekly sessions where you talk, revise your goals/rules/expectations.
    He isn't a mind-reader and neither are you - so talk!
    You two can do it!
    ((((hugs)))))
    Jill

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  8. Elle, I can only back up everything that has been said before my comment. Especially as I went through this just before our drinks party during Christmas. I'm nervous about expressing my desires, and Starman just doesn't think about saying anything anyway.

    I assume he can read my mind, and he assumes I can read his. Result = stalemate, heated atmosphere, me getting grumpy, and finally lots of tears.

    I know I'm worried about trying to lead, so I keep quiet. I haven't yet learned how to explain things. Starman is never going to read anything I give him, (believe me I know about these things after all these years) so I have to find a way of explaining without sounding critical. At the moment I've got further with body language than actual words. I go cuddle him and wrap myself around him, and kiss bits of him. He probably thinks I am nuts, but he does seem to like it.

    The other thing I got from your post is that he is assuming you are stronger than you are, in other words, he hasn't got used to the fact that he is now the leader. I have the same problem in this household. I'm sure it'll come, but our men need to get their heads around it. You know, I stayed in the car the other evening when we went out, waiting for him to come round and open the door for me. I got quite huffy when he didn't and if I had wanted to I could have had a row on the spot with him for being thoughtless. BUT, he's never done it in the past. So it isn't fair of me to suddenly expect him to consider 'treating a wife like a helpless female' as a part of being an HOH.

    Sorry Elle, I've rambled endlessly on once again. But I just want you to know that we are all in the same arena here. Especially we newbies.

    I truly hope things improve for you soon. Email me if you need to let off steam. I can remember what it was like when our kids were young and I felt as if the world was crashing around me for one reason or another.

    Many, many hugs, Ami

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    1. You hit some excellent points in this essay ;)
      Thanks so much!!

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    2. I reread this just now. Thanks so much for saying I can email! You're right. Sometimes this life gets so much chaos. Thank you!!!

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  9. Elle, you have a lot of sympathy from well-meaning female friends, so I will come from the other side.

    If I was your fireman, I would be very fed up with your, to me, inexplicable behaviour. I would find you difficult to handle - perhaps too difficult.

    Expectations are a real killer of closeness. Fortunately for me, my wife isn't one with great expectations of me, and the less I expect of my wife, the better we get on together. She, too, is extremely tolerant of my shortcomings and doesn't get upset no matter how many times I forget to buy what she asked me to buy when I cycle into town. If I forget our wedding anniversary, she will remind me.

    I wish I could hold your hand and stroke your hair and say, Take a couple of deep breaths, elle, dry your eyes and review your position. He's basically a good man (I believe?), not a spendthrift, a druggie or an abuser, and loves you (I hope!), what more do you want? Since you have those basic necessities you must endlessly forgive his shortcomings. In time, he will notice; but if he doesn't, forgive that too.

    We don't have anything like the lifestyle you have, so perhaps I am too critical. We live very quietly, in this cultural backwater of an almost-third-world country, don't possess a car, seldom go out to visit friends (I am not a sociable person), have one teenage son. If I forget to kiss my wife at a time when she would appreciate it, she isn't going to get mad at me! She'll be the one to kiss me instead, and that will come with a smile. I pay her attention when I want to, and she is content with that. I would like for her to initiate sex sometimes, but given her upbringing that is unlikely, and she enjoys it when I do, so I go with that.

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    1. Thank you Malcolm! I really appreciate you putting into another perspective. And you're exactly right. He's not out spending all of our (his really...) money, he's not abusing me, our children, or drugs, he loves me ore than I deserve probably.
      I am working on forgiveness (resolution??) and realizing that not everyone is perfect. He's so great that sometimes I honestly forget that.
      It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. And you are so right.. I need to get rid of the expectations.
      Thanks again. :)

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  10. Ah but realistic expectations are allowed n even healthy. What is realistic tho will depend on the two individuals involved in the relationship. Remember, having no expectations could b detrimental. We all need to b accountable to someone.

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