Read Part one here
I did not utter a single word on the fifteen minute ride home. I sat in silence staring out the window alternating between the front and the side. A few tears streamed down my face, but I tried to be as discreet as possible. I did not want him to see them. I just wanted to be invisible.
I kept replaying events that occurred over the weekend. This was not the way an HoH was supposed to act. I was trying to live this lifestyle 100%. I was trying to not insert my opinion and sassiness every time I disagreed with one of his decisions. I was loving how close we were and how our already awesome sex life was even better, but he was(is?) not doing his part. He wasn't (isn't?) fulfilling his HoH role entirely. At least, not the way I expected he should.
I see that probably where this has gone wrong. I have expectations and he has failed to hit them. He didn't really know they were there, but if he would've studied up and read the blogs and information I gave him, maybe he would. Just saying....
Unloading the car and carrying the sleeping kids to their beds, I fought tears hard. I kept replaying. On a snowy little hill, he went down quickly. I just stood at the top. He wasn't going to help me down? Seriously? Hurry up, I'm going to get hit by a car. Yeah, well, I'm going to bust my ass in the snow. Not listening to me when I was seriously terrified of walking back to the car after the game. I just wanted to take a taxi. It was snowy and slick. My boots were not helpful. I kept sliding and I was afraid. He brushed it off. We'll be fine. You're not going to fall. I'm afraid of taking a taxi. What? Could he really not tell I was serious?
Now this. My head is spinning as I'm changing and getting in my bed. What have I been doing? Why do I love him so much more than he loves me? I've felt it so many times before. We've argued about it so many times before. I thought dd was the answer. I thought ttwd would help me. He would step into the HoH role and just love me. Just really make me feel like I'm the most important thing to him. I feel completely alone in my head.
I'm making him sound like an awful person right now, I know. He's not. He's amazing. He really is. But when we get to this point, I don't know. I can never conjure up the happy memories in my head. I only revisit the bad ones. Not by choice. It's just what happens =\
I'm laying in bed, I can't even remember if the television is on.. I think it is. I'm playing with my phone. He comes in, are you just not going to speak to me? I don't even look up. I just shake my head. What is your deal? Silence. Seriously, what's your problem? Just leave me alone. I haven't done anything to you. Get out. Get up and get in there. He yanks the covers off me. Sorry, no. I cover myself back up.
He walks to the kitchen and I know what he's doing. He's either grabbing the leather belt-type thing or the little play paddle. He comes back. Lets go, he pulls the covers off again. I stare right into his eyes. I pull the covers back over me. No. I'm done with this. I'm not doing it anymore. You're not doing your part. I'm finished. What are you talking about? No. I'm not talking about anything. Leave me alone. When you figure it out, let me know.
That was it. I said we were finished with domestic discipline. I hadn't even been in trouble since last week. Only maintenance had been done, but now I don't know what's going on. We are in limbo.
I'm not speaking to him still. We've probably had less than 10 words between us all day. I'm stuck in my head. He's done laundry and straightened up. I made breakfast, he made dinner.
I'm just stuck.
He sent me a long set of texts... I guess that will be part 3.