We are chatting the other night, pretty much about nothing in particular, then I ask him how he thinks I'm doing with all this. Very well, considering you're a control freak. Uh, excuse me? I wha...? I played dumb. Of course I
I just worry.
I am not a my-way-or-the-highway kind of person. I grew up in a house like that and fought it my entire life. I don't want my kids to grow up that way. But, I feel like if I don't control something in the situation, that I might lose it. I feel like I need to know some things are going to be fine and the only way that can happen, is if I am ... You guessed it.. In control.
I get stressed out in big groups. All judge~y and such. So I feel like if I dress cute and look nice, I'll be okay. I don't know how many meltdowns I've had before we leave to go somewhere, I can't find something to wear, start flipping out and decide I'm not going. I'm sure my fireman will remember wayyyy too many times that's happened. So, my point is, I don't have to be in control of everything.. Just something that makes me feel better.
But the stuff I have no control over gets to me sometimes. I will have full on panic attacks. Thankfully, I can still function, but they happen.
Last week I was driving, the girls watching a movie, the baby being quiet watching and riding along. My brain, I often wonder if it works the same as everyone else's. I have tendencies to go morbid, worry about the craziest things, or like in this instance, one thought takes to me to another and another, and so on until I'm reliving something I wish never happened.
I am hoping this doesnt trigger again... When #2 was an infant, she got very sick. Very sick. Family members didn't know if she would make it sick. We were transferred to a hospital with a pediatric intensive care unit, she had to be intubated during a procedure, I saw her and couldn't move. The nurses were like get out of the way, I think maybe someone moved me. I don't know. It's blurry. But I will never forget that. Ever. I don't know how, but she made it through with no problems (well, I do. I'm religious). They couldn't even figure out what happened. I just thank God every day for her.
That day in the car, I relived it and panicked. I kept driving, eyes on the road, hands safely on the wheel, but my heart raced and it was hard to breathe.
Today it happened again. I was cleaning away, trying to get my kitchen floor done (thanks FlyLady- if you need help organizing and cleaning, google her!). I made myself a glass of sweet tea and our pitcher leaked. It ALWAYS does. I thought, oh I am so adding that to my list...
I sent my fireman a text: *I'm getting 3 things from WalMart this weekend. Want to take a stab at what?* I went back to cleaning and organizing.
A little later, text chime. *Um. Smirnoff. Trash bags. And a wooden spoon?*
*I have Smirnoff. I didn't know we needed trash bags. Yes spoon. Hair brush. And now I swear I forget the third thing. Lol. Omg*
And then it hit. I seriously couldn't remember. It was only a few minutes ago. I am not even 30. I forget all the time. I have always been forgetful. My grandmother has Alzheimer's. Bad. My mind is racing. My heart pounding. Absolute panic.
*Omg. This is why I'm terrified of getting old. I'm so going to get Alzheimer's. You're not going to be able to deal with it. I'm going to be alone. O. Full on panic attack.*
He didn't realize how serious I was. I had tears. I went to the bathroom to sit on the edge of the tub away from the kids. The worst panic attack I think I've ever had.
Organizing the cabinet for Tupperware and cleaning supplies under the sink brought me out of it. My hands were still shaky, but I was through it. Before ttwd, I would've flipped out on him for not replying or checking on me. It would've been ww3.
I sent a non confrontational text. I'm actually a little proud of this moment! He thought maybe I was just being dramatic he said since he couldn't physically see me and wasn't here. I explained that I am terrified of losing my memory. And that I'm even more terrified of being alone. Not just alone, but without him.
Seriously! You CANNOT be worrying about that. AT ALL. PERIOD. You get so worked up over nothing. The reason you forget things is bc there are three kids running around wanting, needing, and fighting every 5 minutes. Plus whatever you're trying to do to get ready to go somewhere or pick up around the house. It's just simple sensory overload for you. THAT'S the reason.
And I'm not going anywhere. You will NEVER be alone as long as I'm around. I made that commitment to you six and a half years ago. So don't you dare ever say again that you're going to be alone.*
I can't wait until it's just the two of us later. I'm thankful it's Friday. Happy weekend! I'm sure well be around this weekend though :)