Thursday, December 26, 2013

Christmas :)

Hope everyone had a great Christmas :)

We definitely did here. I think the kids actually got everything they wanted. Very rare, since sometimes their requests are a little out there, lol.

Fireman got me a FireWife shirt, which is actually much cuter than it sounds, lol. He also got me an origami owl bracelet, some of you might know what that is. They're a neat, somewhat new thing around here but growing rapidly.

Things have been going well. We even had out of town guests that I generally don't get along with and let them get me in a disarray, but that didn't happen this year. FM and I had a long chat and discussed several things. We are doing much better still. ;)

I thought I had about 85, okay a 95% chance of a Christmas Eve spanking after he saw allll the presents, but he just said I did a great job, lol. I did give him one warning that he could do all the shopping and wrapping next year, lol. :)  He definitely wants NO part of that.

He's off for the rest of the year -- yayyyyyyy!!!! So I'm excited to have so much time with him. Hope every one in blog land had a great holiday with their families :)
Xo,
Elle

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Update :)

Very sorry for the MIA. That last post took a lot out of me, I actually wanted to take it down, but he said to leave it up.  I thought he'd want it down too, but he insisted. 

That may have been the longest time we went without each other. Scratch that probably second longest, ever, but longest since we began ttwd.  

We sat in silence for a few days. We talked for several. Mostly via text, because I wasn't home much in the evening. We had tons of things to do in the evenings. We talked and talked and talked and talked. Sometimes in circles. Sometimes he made excellent points. Other times, he completely knew what I was saying and he understood.  A lot came out. 

I stayed away from blogger. I read some posts, but I'm mostly out of the loop on anything going on. I apologize for that. I did read every comment. Even one anonymous (lol, I think that's my first negative anonymous comment) that wasn't so great.  I really appreciate each comment. 

I haven't felt like posting, but I knew I needed to post an update. 

We are doing very well. We have reinstated ttwd, since Monday. So far, so good. It's still slotted strange, but we are working on it. I'm not sure how much I'll post in the coming days.. Or weeks. I'll be around, definitely. But I'm not sure I'm back to posting-mode just yet. 

Thanks again everyone, 
Xo, 
Elle 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I wish..

I wish a lot of things.. 

I wish we'd met when we were like, 10. Or even earlier. I wish we'd known each other forever. I wish we had more time together.. In the past. I wish we had been together in high school, it would've saved us both a lot of trouble. Or that we could've been there for each other in college. 

I wish we would've done our wedding differently. Not listened to so many other people and just did what we actually wanted to do. I wish I would've looked at you while I was walking down the aisle. Just at you. Not smiled at the guests as I was walking by.  I wish you would've been so in love with me then in the way that I've felt a few times over the past year.  Instead, I wonder if it was just the next step.  I don't like the memories of our reception. I was alone more than once. 

I wish that kind of love would've carried over to other life events. 

I've written before about how I wish we would've found ttwd sooner. I think I still wish that. Then, we wouldn't be in this situation we are now. We wouldn't be here because you'd just know what to do. We would've had more time to figure it out without having so much time spent doing things the wrong a different way. Getting set in our ways, I guess. 
 
I wish I had all the patience in the world. Or at least more than I do now. I wish I could just be supportive and not jealous that something else gets so much of your time. I wish you wanted to spend time with me the way I do with you. 

I definitely wish I didn't feel this way. 

I want to be able to not have to worry. To not have to think about things that have happened and have reminders of them. I wish some things never happened. That I had the ability to create magic, go back in time, and to not have made the mistakes.  I wish I could unsee the looks I've seen on your face. I wish I could undo it all. 

I wish I could just get over everything. 

I wish the blowup on Saturday wouldn't have happened. I wish there wasn't an imprint of your fist in the door. I wish I could've chilled out and not gotten so upset and let my feelings get so hurt. I wish I didn't feel the words you said are true and that they made me feel like I'm not good at all of this stuff in life. 

You have no idea the effect you have on me. In every way. One look, one word, one anything from you can make or break me. Even before ttwd, it's always been that way. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.  

I wish I wasn't so stubborn. I wish we could go on with ttwd like nothing happened. I wish everything... 

Saturday, November 30, 2013

1 year blog-iversary :)

So, last year at this time I decided to be brave and write my intro post. I know I participated in LoL day last year, maybe that's what helped :) 
I have learned so much in the last year. More about myself, (much!) more about ttwd and how to tailor it to us, and how great blogland is. 

All of you have helped us so much, I wouldn't have a blog without you. :) 
Writers and lurkers, I am so thankful for you. I love seeing my page views increase, I love seeing the little alert that says I have a new comment. 

Thanks to everyone who helps keep me a blogger! :) 
Xo, 
Elle 

Monday, November 25, 2013

The weekend & another punishment!


*sort of long post warning..*

It seems as though Fireman has found his stride. And I am thankful for it. His confidence has returned, like it was when we first began this journey (and he was beginning to get wayyyy more blowjobs, lol). Then it kind of went away. He started second guessing and even though I was reassuring sometimes, it just hadn't clicked back into place. Until now. 

He is trusting himself more, I think. He has my trust fully, too, and I think he is aware of it. There is nothing I wouldn't do if he asked (and I'm not only meaning that in a sexual way!). I've told him repeatedly- and even once this morning that he has my trust. I trust him to do the best for us, me, and our family. 


We had a fantastic weekend. Friday night was great, then Saturday morning we stayed in bed as long as possible. I had a few things to do Saturday, then we ended up on the couch enjoying the evening with each other. Sunday morning was about the same... We stayed as long as possible until we got ready for church. 

We got in the car and I had sort of forgotten about one little thing...getting gas in my car. I remembered as soon as I looked over at him-- lovingly, because he looks so hot in nice clothes-- and he was looking at the gas gauge. Damn you, Yukon! Why can't you have some sort of backup reserve to save me in these situations?! 

I know what FM will think when he reads that part. I'd just use that all up too and try to get by with it. 

He looked over at me "You know what that means."
Shit. And I seriously doubt he'll forget this time. Which I'm glad about. I wanted this, the whole thing. He's been doing great and I'm not going to say a word.. I tried to argue in a cute little way, not serious at all. He just gave me the HoH look. It was hot and (good)scary at the same time :) 

We had a great day together, I fixed dinner, he helped me clean up the kitchen. He reminded me about later "don't forget we've moved Monday maintenance to tonight, but you're also in trouble for the gas." "So you didn't forget," I teased. "No, I didn't forget." ::sexy HoH face again::
I got everything ready for the next day, while he put the baby in his bed. #1&2 had gone to their bed a little while earlier. 

"I'm going to get a shower real quick if that's okay with you."
"Of course."
"Well, I just thought I'd go ahead so we can watch The Walking Dead and then do everything else."
"Yes, you'll be in bed by 10:30. That's bedtime," he reminded. 
"I know, I know.

After my shower, we watched our show and the previews for next week. (crazy, if anyone watches TWD!) He told me to go to our room and I went after we talked about nothing for a few minutes.  

I was half waiting for him to come in, when I realized I needed to get my pants and panties off and get into position.  That's how Monday goes and if this is half-maintenance/half-punishment, that's what I should do.  

I found my spot and waited.  I heard him go up to check on the kids.. and I waited.  At first I wasn't in the kneeling mood, but the longer I waited, the more I got into it.  I do love kneeling on the little stool across the bed for him.  It does make me wonder if he likes it too.. 

After a few minutes, he came in. "Making me wait, huh?" 
"Well, it is punishment." He really is on top of his HoH game. He started with the guitar strap thing and wow.  He really can make it sting sometimes.  Are you guys sure leather is better?? 

Then, it happened.  One strike kind of got away from him and hit harder than usual, harder than he intended.  I kinda shrieked out... and he immediately said he apologized for that.  I was glad my face was buried.. tears immediately filled my eyes. He only used the strap once more (I think), then used the hairbrush a few.  

It wasn't really that bad.. but it took me by surprise.  I needed a few minutes to process.  "You're finished with your punishment," and he rubbed my back for a while and rubbed my behind.  I was still a little stunned.  

I got up and he handed me my pants, but I kept my head down.  I didn't want him to see the watery eyes for fear that he would freak out.  We've never done the spanked to tears thing.  He's never suggested or tried, we've barely even talked about it.  

"We're going to do maintenance tomorrow since we didn't really get to today."
"Okay," I said, head still down. "I need to go brush my teeth."

I wiped my face, brushed my teeth, and steadied myself for a second.  I got in bed and he got in right behind me, snuggling me up tight.  I was still processing, but once I finally fell asleep, I slept great.  

This morning, he was already gone by the time I woke up.  I got #1 off to school and came in to text him, like I always do. 

I had some time to think about everything.  I wasn't mad, I wasn't hurt.  The accidentally-too-hard strike wasn't really even that bad.  It only extra stung for a minute.  It made me realize that I've had it pretty easy compared to others and at times, much easier than I deserve. 

We texted about it.  He thought I was weird last night because we didn't have sex after, but I told him that wasn't it.  He told me that extra-tiredness just hit him right before he told me to go get ready, but he didn't want to postpone the punishment.  I let him know that I was very proud of him for that and how well he's being doing lately.  

I told him I was just weird because of the one strike (which I don't know what else I can call it...) and he said he wanted to address that.  He told me he wanted to make punishment different than maintenance and wanted to make sure I understood the difference.  I told him I did, that the way he stood instead of sat, and that it was less fun, more intense than regular maintenance.  

He told me he really was sorry and I told him I wasn't mad at all, then I reiterated how much I trust him. We talked about spanking to tears, but he said he didn't want to hurt me.  I told him that from what I'd read, it was not from the pain.  He said he understood the need for an emotional release, but he's still unsure.  So tell me about blogfamily.  Who spanks to tears and why? How is it different from not? 

All I know is.. I can't wait until he gets home from the firestation this evening. I can't wait for maintenance and every/anything that comes after ;)

Hope everyone has a good evening! 
xo, 
Elle

Friday, November 22, 2013

Birthdays & punishments

"Aren't you getting a bath?"

"Yep."

"Well get to it then"

I can see what I'm in for. HoH hat on completely. I get everything ready for the next day for my school-going one and start my water. Super hot with scents and softening ingredients, he turns my water off and I get undressed. 

I don't stay in super long... But I realize I didn't bring any clothes in with me. It's still somewhat early. The kids have only been in bed for a short time. I come out of the bathroom wrapped in a big towel. He nods and gets up. 
Wait a minute.. Isn't it early? 
Nope. Everything is fine. Go ahead. He looks down at the little stool I kneel on. I'll go make sure. 
I get into my spot and wait. I expect him to have me lean up so he can climb onto the bed and me lay across him like we usually do. He walks up behind me and places his hand on my lower back, removed it, then says "You know this is punishment. It's not regular maintenance or for fun. It's because you are in trouble." 
"Yes, but it was just a minor infraction."
Smack... The weird leather strappy thing comes down harder than usual. "Two infractions."
"Oww yes, two.. But still..." Smack.. "Minor!"
"Yes. But it's still punishment."

He continues and I say ow more than once. When he feels it's enough, he stops and says "okay. Your punishment is over."
I wasn't really sure what to do.. Do I get up? Stay? I just wait a second. 
"Come in here with me" as he walks to the living room. I get up and follow him in. I go to sit beside him and he points to the floor in front of him. No, right here. 
"Which way?"
"Facing me." I get into my spot and he says "now show me some attention."
Yummmmmm. And the rest was the end of a great birthday ;) 

Hope everyone has a great weekend! 
Elle 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

celebration :)

Yesterday I asked for control for just a couple hours.  

But it's not for what you think :) It's Fireman's birthday!! I needed to surprise him and so I asked if I could have control for just one or two hours last night.  He kept pressing.. why? I can't tell you... but whyyyy? LOL.  

He didn't want to give it up.  He wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen.  I just wanted to surprise him and take him to his favorite restaurant. One that he generally won't go to, because it's slightly pricey and somewhat far away.  I organized it all and didn't want him to get in his own way of enjoying it. 

I sweetened the deal a little.  
I sent this text *I just need to be in charge from... Okay, maybe just 5-6. I'll make it up to you. As soon as the kids are in bed, you can do whatever you want :) come onnnnnn.  That's a pretty good incentive.*

*Lol. Alright. *

So he let me know when he was on his way.  I wasn't at home, #1 & #2 had a class, so I said don't come here, just go home and get dressed.  Dressed how? Just jeans and a cute shirt.  

I let him know when we were on our way, but he insisted on driving.  I held out as long as I could, then let him figure it out.  He smiled and we all had a great dinner. We didn't get to sit next to each other, but we did steal some glances at each other. 

Turns out, he kinda blew the whole "do anything you want" thing.  He didn't realize just exactly what I meant.. so when I told him he blew it, (in a joking way) he informed me that I was in trouble anyway... for breaking a rule we agreed on during the day.  It's a minimal rule, but I still broke it.. and then he remembered that I forgot to lock my car the evening before also, oops.  

I didn't say no, but I did say that if he wanted to postpone everything until tonight, that was fine with me.  I will still so full from dinner and I knew he was too.  He just grinned and agreed.  :) Yay for progress! 

I'm curious to see how tonight will go.  How he will incorporate two rule breaks and what else he may want.  It is his birthday after all :)

Hopefully I'll have a good update for tomorrow!
xo, 
Elle




Tuesday, November 19, 2013

A Power Struggle.. who knew?!


I so appreciate everyone's comments from my last post.  Blogland is such a great, supportive place.  I can always count on you guys for honesty and awesome feedback.  I really thing all of you have helped keep ttwd going for Fireman & I. 

There were a few that really made me realize an issue that I think might be going on.  I think at some times, it comes down to a power struggle.  In that moment of an argument or disagreement, I don't want to let go.  I don't want to give him all the power (or even 51% lol).  In that moment, I am not proud of who I am... at all.. but it happens.  

I have since realized that I need to remember that I'm the one that introduced ttwd to him.  I am the one who wanted it a little over a year ago.  Probably even before that... but that's when I was courageous enough to bring it up.  

Maybe now that I see that giving him the confidence will only help increase his consistency, I'll be able to give up all my head games and just submit like I want to.  I certainly don't want him to feel like I don't want to give him my submission.  I really, really, really do.  I trust him with everything. I have told him that, but I want him to know I mean it. 

I realize that he will never know I mean it if I try to regain the control in any situations.  

I want him to know that in our ttwd, he can have anything he wants.. anytime he wants.. and I want him to know that I truly mean it.  :)  I hope he believes me and anytime he would like to test this promise, he is welcome to.  

Thanks again Blogland friends! 
xo, 
Elle




Monday, November 18, 2013

Saying no....

I've been trying to write this for some time, but I keep typing and erasing. I've been a terrible blogger lately, but I did love participating in LoL day 8. :) it was great 
to hear from everyone, lurker and non-lurker. It felt feels great to know there are people out there who actually like reading my posts. 

Thank you all so much for stopping by! 

I have a small problem.  I've said no. More than once. I've said I wouldn't do it anymore, but it happened again. I've since promised that I will try really hard and do my absolute best to not say no again... But I'm worried I will. 

I guess it's not as easy as I thought. 

Of course I can submit when I feel like it. I can go in for maintenance on Mondays and it's fine. It works out great, I feel great, we have that connection afterward. It's perfect. Unless we aren't getting along. That's when there's trouble. 

Or if it has been a while since we've had any connection.  Then I have some trouble. I don't think I've ever submitted to a punishment. Really. That's a little unbelievable, even for me to write, but it's true. I think I did in the very beginning, it was all very new and exciting then. (It's still exciting!) 

I find it very difficult to go when he says and it's not maintenance. Why? How can I fix it? Okay, so maybe I'm a little stubborn. But still. I've agreed to this lifestyle. I want this. I can't only have it when it's good with me, you know?  It won't work that way. 

Fireman said at one point that it's like he doesn't feel like HoH and that I'm still in control. That's certainly not what I want. At all. I do not want to be in charge. I want him to get back to that HoH position and feel confident like he does at time, but I want it to be all the time. 

I need to learn how to turn everything off and just listen when he says to go to our bedroom. I complain when he is inconsistent, but how can he be consistent when I'm not? He won't feel confident when he has no idea how I'll react. 

Sooo. If anyone has any suggestions, I'll take them all. 

Thanks again to my lurkers and new readers, please comment again anytime! 
Hope everyone has a great day :) 
Xo, 
Elle 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Love my lurkers :)

Morning everyone :) 

Just in case you haven't seen other blogs yet, today is Love Our Lurkers day!!!!  It's the day when those of you who read, but generally don't comment, take a second to say hello. 

I know it's scary, but you can use a pseudonym. You don't have to list anything personal or give any revealing information. I was a lurker just like you last year. I saw LOL day on a few blogs that I'd been reading and got brave and said hello. 

Those few comments lit a tiny spark in me and a little while later, I began my own blog. I have (online) met so many nice people. Everyone in this community has been friendly and helpful. We are an amazing and fun group of people. And we all love our readers, lurkers and commenters. 

Please decide to say hello!! I'd love to hear from you :) 

We will make it fun too. Ask anything and I'll answer. Anything at all :) 

Have a great day being celebrated lurkers!!!! 
Xo, 
Elle 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

It's not just for me...

I apologize in advance for any crazy typos. I'm waiting at the kids' extra-curricular stuff and had an idea for a post. I'm hoping my new iPhone is a little more blogger friendly. It seems to be already, it's much faster. I would've still been waiting on pages to load with my old phone.

I realized earlier that this whole thing isn't just for me. It's for him, too. It's for both of us. I know ttwd has given him a sense of self that has carried over into other aspects of his life. It has mine, too. I don't worry about other people so much, if that makes sense.  My relationship is the most important thing, where before who knew where it fell?

Although I'm not very good at verbalizing my needs.., as we are well working on (insert sad face), I am good at texting. I have asked for spankings when I have felt like I needed one. I can sometimes spot the spinning out of control that is looming on the horizon. Sometimes I can't and unfortunately he can't always either. I think that's something he needs to work on!! ;)  

Sometimes I just don't want to lose that connection. You know, that super yummy feeling you have that lingers after a really good/hot/delicious/whatever-adjective-you'd-like-to-use spanking session. It's like a drug that I'm addicted to. The more it happens, the more I want it. The more I crave it. However, the reverse is true also. The less it happens, the less I want it. The less connected I feel, the less important.

Then sometimes, I feel like he needs it.

I know he sometimes just needs that stress relief of smacking his hand against my ass too. :)
I don't think he's ever admitted to me that he needs it every once in a while, but  I think it's true. If I can pick up on it, I'll tell him we should have a spank appointment. He is happy to oblige.

We just had one on Monday, but I'm pretty sure we need one tonight.

Happy hump day!
Elle


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Frame of Mind

I don't know what it is, but my state of mind just hasn't been right lately.  I can't put my finger on it. It's something, but I honestly don't know what. It's like a back and forth, up and down, of good and bad. I'll be in a great headspace one minute.. Then a little while later, completely flipped. 

Last Friday? Saturday? One night... Fireman said we needed to do some maintenance. At first I was like, well, okay. I knew we probably did need it. I think our last Monday ritual was messed up.. I'm thinking it was probably my fault, but right now I can't remember exactly why. I'm sure we needed it. I got a shower, went to our room, stood there in my towel. I knew exactly what he wanted, he didn't even have to say anything. 

But I couldn't do it. 

I know. It's like the #1 deal breaker. No saying no to a spanking. No taking back consent. I swore I wouldn't do it again. I meant it. I won't take back consent. But in that moment, I just couldn't make myself shed the towel and lay across our bed. 

Why?

No idea. I like the whole kneeling thing. We have a thing ritual(?) on Monday nights. If you're not new here, you've read about it before. He texts me when he's on his way, Mondays are always fire-training night. He's usually later than the kids' bedtime and I have time to shower and get in place just as he's pulling in the driveway. Sometimes I have a couple extra minutes. I just wait, then hear him drive up and get ready. Our bed site up a little high, so we have this strange little stool I kneel on and lay across the bed waiting for him. 

It's complete control for him. I get in position and wait. I hear him. Sometimes he walks by our room to see me, make sure I'm there, then does a few quick things before entering our room. Other times he comes straight to me. Just depends. It's hot either way. To me, anyway. He walks in and places his hand(s) on my lower back and sits near me. Then maintenance is on, almost always followed by super-hot sex. 

Last Monday wasn't that way. So when Friday came, it really did need to happen. Needless to say, our weekend wasn't great. D.i.s.c.o.n.n.e.c.t. 

Sunday morning we were all up early thanks to the dumb time-change. (Seriously, that's like, the worst idea ever.)  I had a shower and washed my hair. I kept trying to figure out how to fix it. I wanted to offer up my behind and tell him I was sorry for messing it up all week. But I'm terrible expressing things vocally. I was trying to figure it out with the kids being up anyway.. I just couldn't say the words. 

I used the tv babysitter for #3, put 1&2 in a bubble bath. (And so no one judges, yes, they're old enough to bathe alone. We could hear them the whole time as well).  I walked in our room and thought about what to say exactly... Instead I just dropped the towel. An obvious invite ;) 

I felt a little better. I'm sure FM did too. 

Sunday was much better after that. We were up a little late watching The Walking Dead, lol, so no maintenance/reconnect on Sunday night. But last night was a different story. 

I fixed an early dinner so he could eat before he went to training. Before he walked out, he had instructions to get the kids in bed, shower, and be ready. Okay

Kids were a little late, but finally in bed. I was just finishing getting everything together for this morning when I got his text *heading to the car, ly*

When he got home, I was ready and we had a great reconnect. :)  We  need some new stuff though.. That's a little scary, but I think we are ready to branch out. 

I just want to keep this frame of mind. I don't want to fall back into the other.. Anyone else? Any recommendations? 

Next Tuesday is LOL (love our lurkers) day and I'm excited!!! It will be my first one. Last year, it helped bring me to publishing my very first post. Hope my lurkers will participate!!!! I'd love to hear from you :) 

Hope everyone has a great day!! 
Xo, 
Elle 





















Thursday, October 24, 2013

Realization

I saw this on Pinterest and it spoke to me. I am not a lot of things. I am a lot of others. I don't fit into one specific group of people, ever. I've never found anyone who is exactly like me. And I'm fine with that. Really. 

I don't think I would like it if I did fit into a specific group. I'm sure I'd be annoyed by many of the people who were in it, lol. I like being different. I always have liked it.  I learned once that only 2% of the population have green eyes. I love that I have green eyes. 

After Monday's reconnection and then last night, I feel a million percent better.  It's the me I love to be. Aren't we all a little different? Most of us are closet spankos.. That's certainly not mainstream society. Even with the 50 shades uproar, which I have credited to bringing me (& Fireman) here, not everyone did that. They like the idea, but they don't do anything about it. They don't research to learn about the lifestyle and bring it up to their significant other. 

I crave this lifestyle. I crave these feelings of closeness. I go a little bonkers when I start to not feel it. I second guess everything. It's never been more true, this lifestyle saved us. I don't know that we would've made it without ttwd. I don't know that we wouldn't have, either, but I do know we would never have hit our maximum potential! I know that sounds crazy, but I know you all know what I mean. 

I finally feel (no pun intended! Lol) that he feels the way about me that I feel about him.  That was such a big struggle for me for the first years of our marriage. Now I know. I know and it does so much for me. So much for us. And I'm only assuming so much for him, too. 

I know whose I am, like the picture says. I belong to him. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Hope everyone is having a great week. :) 
Xo, 
Elle 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

All better... For now.

I haven't had the words to write lately. I think it's been weeks since I've written a post. Fireman, I think, might know since he hasn't requested a post in quite some time. 

I was in a dismal place and I don't really know why. It wasn't just because of the deaths we'd both had in our families, it seemed something more. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I still can't. It just felt like I was drowning in everything. Completely overwhelmed with everything. At one point, Fireman & I actually fought over dishes. Dishes! It wasn't even a full sink load of dishes either and the ridiculous argument lasted for half the day. What the f%#*? I know, right? Dumbest. Argument. Ever. (Or at least since we began ttwd!!)


Speaking of ttwd, in our my hiatus from Blogland, we passed our 1 year milestone. I don't even think Fireman knows we did, but it's true. We've had bumps and some of us bruises-lol- but it's overall been a very positive experience. We're closer than we've ever been. I'm glad I did get the courage to bring it up to him. I still wish I could remember exactly what I said though, lol. I think my brain is selectively blocking it so I don't feel stupid, lol. :)

Back to my original post though... 
I couldn't take bring alone in my head any longer. I sent him a text, sort of opening the lines of communication between us. I was hoping to begin some sort of dialogue, but I really didn't know where our conversation would travel. 

Monday morning I told him that everything was messed up, that it was the same thing every week. We get connected on Monday, which I do love, but then the rest of the week, it feels like I'm on my own and we drift.... Then Monday rolls around and it begins again. 

Our texting convo wasn't going anywhere. I had to do something drastic for him to understand. He just wasn't getting it.  It helped. He understood, we got a LOT hashed out. He felt like I was disconnected during our spanking times... I thought I was doing good by not whining or saying ow, lol. Big misunderstanding between the two of us. 

He said something that I understood. Idk how to fix that connection aside to say that I think it resides in you to give yourself mentally instead of just physically. 

After we posed some good points, he texted: I'm blown away by our conversation today. There is a HUGE disconnect between us in what we anticipate it "expect" from each other. 

Well, we never talk. 

I guess that's true. 

....(more convo).... We are going to work on that. 

(Not trying to be rude here, just honest). You can't even enforce rules. How are we going to work on something else? 

You'll see. 

I'll see what? 

Tonight. You'll see. 
How were going to work on being more "vocal" about what you want. 

(Here's where I start freaking out slightly...) I don't know.

No more I don't knows. There's nothing for you not to know. Trust me. 

I absolutely trust him. With every part of me. The day dragged on, kids were wild, he was gone, it was slightly disastrous. He texted me at 8:45, Are the kids in bed?  Almost. Once you get them in bed, I want you showered. Ummm okay, I had already planned on that, but alright.., I didn't text that, just though it to myself. 20(ish) minutes later.. Status?  Apparently he was eager. I want you in position before I get there. 

I was.. I heard him pull in, got in place and waited. He took his time, but I did hear him come by our room to peek in and check. I heard him in the kitchen, heard him around the house, then finally he came in. 

He wasn't lying when he said I'd see. It was roughhhhh for me. Not the spanking, the task. Well, I guess the spanking part, too. That was 36 hours ago and I'm still feeling remnants of it. He was in HoH mode for sure. 

I was happy with the progress, but he is somewhat disappointedthat it was as hard (for me) as it was. And unfortunately he has a good point. I promised to keep working on it if he did. He said absolutely. 

Yesterday, the effects were obvious. I slept great Monday night, I woke up in a great mood. There was no arguing with the kids, no freaking out, none of that drowning feeling I had. Today, I'm still feeling good, but worried. I don't want us to lose the connect. 

I sent him a text about it. I'm supposed to remind him tonight that we need to have some quality time. And by quality, I mean spanking. That leads me to ask... How do you tell your SO that you need it? I have a very hard time with it. I can text it, but what about when you're together? 

Xo, 
Elle








Thursday, October 10, 2013

October!

These words have been so hard to find. I've had this post titled for days, with ideas of how to say what, but when it came to it... I couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself write. I love writing. Even if I had zero followers and Fireman didn't read, I'd still write. 

I used to write letters to him all the time. I remember I wrote him one the night after we got engaged. I was awake, he was in bed. I sat on our sofa and looked in at him as words came to me. I gave it to him on our wedding day, I believe. He sent me a sweet card the day we were married also. We are note people. I do wish he would write to me more, even if it was just on here. Sometimes he does in a text or on Facebook. I love his words. He has a way with them also. 

We had another tragedy strike our family, this time on my side. A very important person in my life passed away. It was so strange being so close to the other passing we had just dealt with, but we can't control those things. My family rallied around each other through the unbelievably difficult time. I've never been more glad that I have such a large family. 

My husband couldn't have been any better to me during all of it. So many emotions, so many things I wish I could explain to help you understand, but I just can't. Lets just say, it was a complicated life this person led (long before I was born) and some of those people in his early life came around to make all of us miserable. We generally go about our lives pretending they don't exist, but when his passing occurred, there was no getting around it. 

I did just fine at the hospital, even the visitation. Then the morning of the funeral I lost it. I couldn't find anything to wear. I know that sounds unbelievably trivial, but I had just spent the day before shopping with other members of my family making sure they had something to wear. I bought one outfit myself, but wore it to the visitation. 

I had in mind to wear a dress, but then I hated everything I put on. Clock is ticking. We need to leave. I'm in panties and a bra. Fm is dressed and ready. Tears and my mouth are running at full force. Mad at myself for not planning ahead. Mad at myself for not bring ready. Mad because I don't know who I am. All I have is that I can look nice when we need to go somewhere and now I'm failing at that. 

At the visitation, I made small talk with the hundreds of people (oh yes, hundreds) that came to pay their respects. Some I didn't know, some I knew through other family members, some I did know. I swear the majority of them would say you look so nice, you always do. I heard it over and over. One person I hadn't seen in more than 15 years told me she couldn't believe I was grown up (knew her when I was a child) and that I looked pretty. She said oh you always have been so pretty though.  Fireman said the sweetest thing, she's always gorgeous. Melt. The lady just smiled at his sweet compliment and said I can tell you think so. 

My family, my mother's side, very much resembles each other. We are all blonde, with the same skin tone and eye color. We aren't all the same size, but we look like sisters. You can tell we are all related, so we always hear well, which one are you? Or okay, who do you belong to?  Extended family came in from out of town.  I hadn't seen these people in quite a while, in fact I believe it was their first time meeting my husband. They had never seen my children.  I happened to be at my grandmother's when they arrived, so I went out to help them in. 

Her first words to me: which one are you? I replied.. Oh yes, she said. The pretty one. I remember you. 

Don't get me wrong.  I'd be completely distraught if I never heard that I looked nice/pretty/whatever.  It just made me realize remember that I don't know who I am.  I don't know what people say about me after they meet me.  Or what they say after they've known me for a while. 

I don't have that strong personality that some people have.  The one where you know exactly who they are after you meet them.  I don't know if anyone can relate.  Maybe I've officially lost my mind, lol, it's been possible for quite some time.  

I can't name my favorite kind of music.  I like a little of everything.  I can't name a specific fashion trend. A style. A food group. I know my favorite color, but even with that I have more than one. I'm not like Fireman.  I knew who he was the instant I met him.  He has grown and acquired new (or I'm sure they were there all the time) interests.  He says he knew I was it the moment we met, but I don't know.  

So, that's why I've been absent.  I'm just a little lost. I'm lost in myself.  My thoughts are a little scattered and memories of my lost loved one are intwined with everything.  

I do hope October is better than September.  

I hope I snap out of this soon, but I don't know how it will happen exactly. 

I know I have a lot of reading to catch up.  I hope you're all doing well!
xo, 
elle









Friday, September 20, 2013

Kenzie's spanking survey :)

Kenzie's spanking survey!! Go here to read her answers and get the easy copy and paste questions :)


1.) Was there a certain event from your life, that sparked the spanking interest? If so, feel free to share:
 I was a 50 shades reader. Ultimately I googled and found the dd community. I think I read all of Clint & Chelsea's blogs twice before I ever got brave enough to bring it up to Fireman. I still don't know how I found the courage to bring it up, lol!! 
And for the record, I know 50S is a not-so-great portrayal of the dd/bdsm/ttwd community AND not-so-greatly written, but it brought me here. 

2.) What do you most often call your HOH/Spanker? (Sir, Master, etc.)
Nothing specific or special. I totally find myself feeling like I should say Sir when I'm in trouble, but he's never required it. 

3.) What does your HOH/Spanker most often call you? (Young Lady, Girl, etc)
I don't think he calls me anything special either.. Baby is the most used term, I guess :) He calls me 'love' a lot.  I really like that.  It just rolls out of his mouth and it's instantly sexy when he calls me that :)

4.) We're building a big spanko bonfire, which one implement are you bringing to toss in?
We don't have much of a collection yet.. I am actually looking forward to getting new stuff to not hate lol ;) 

5.) We all know how many punishments there are to choose from; spanking, lecturing, corner time, etc.. but what about rewards? Do you have a favorite 'reward' that is used? If not, what's something you'd like used as a reward?
I think I like date nights the most. They're not exactly used as a reward, but it's not like we are going to have one if I'm in trouble. 

6.) What's that one phrase, that when it's used, you know you're in trouble?
It's a look, not a phrase. 😠

7.) What's something you'd like to cross off your spanking bucket list? Being shy is not an option here people. ;)
We were going to do a fun date night once with a spanking before we left, him picking out everything from panties to food.. And anything before, during, or after that he wanted... But the sitter fell through and we haven't had the opportunity. I definitely want that ASAP... With as much instruction that he wants to provide :) 

8.) Someone comes to you, and says they just started practicing domestic discipline. What's the biggest piece of advice you can give them?
Chill. It's going to take a while, it's not immediate. You have to keep talking. And I think a big one is... He can't be in control without you bring submissive. They feed off each other. . 

9.) Where is the craziest place you've been spanked?
On a bean-bag chair ;) 

10.) We talked about a spanking bucket list, now let's get a little more into it.. what about a BDSM style bucket list? What's something you'd like to cross off of that?
Hmm. I really don't know. I'd have to think more. 

11.) Is there a punishment you thought you'd never try, but ended up trying and finding effective?
I have to think about that one, too. I guess bedroom time. 

12.) What is something you wish you knew before you started DD/TTWD?
That it wouldn't be perfect from the very beginning.  I think for some reason we all think it's going to be instant magic.  It is, in a way, but there's still a lot of kinks (ha! no pun intended!!) to work out  

13.) If you could take a break from one rule, for one week, which rule would it be?
Laundry.  I'd love for someone else to do it. LoL :)

14.) This might sound like a no brainer at first, but really think about it. If you could only have one sort of spanking in your dynamic, would you rather it be discipline or fun?
Discipline.  That's how our dynamic works the best.  We fall into our roles, it helps us both be centered and closer to one another..   (Great question, btw, Kenzie!)

15.) If your HOH/Spanker messed up, and offered to let you spank them, would you? Why/Why not?
No, I don't think I could do it.  I joke around about it sometimes, but when it comes down to it, he could never submit! :) 

16.) What is your favorite form of aftercare?
Sexy time.  I know some people really frown on sex after a spanking, but it works for us.  

17.) How was DD/spanking brought up to you, or how did you bring it up to your partner?
I brought it up.  I wish I could remember exactly what I said, but I can't remember.  It was probably stupid and that's why my brain is blocking it out, lol.  I know I am braver by text, so I know that's how it was originally initiated.  

18.) If your spanker could use only one implement from here on out, what would they use?
The only one we currently have.. the hairbrush.  But i think that's going to change soon.  We need some variety ;) 

19.) Do you have a favorite pair of panties to wear when you know you're going to be spanked? If so, what are they?
The majority of mine are sexy, so it generally doesn't matter.  He makes sure I know they don't save me, lol.  

20.) Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) mind reading hasn't yet been perfected. What's something you want your HOH/Dom/Spanker to know? (For example, don't be afraid to spank harder, or something along those lines.) Don't be afraid, spill!
I recently told him.  I'd rather him be more strict than more lenient.  The leniency makes me feel like he doesn't care.  

I think I would also say I'm not afraid to try new implements.  Well, I am, but I'll be brave at least once, lol :)

*Bonus Question (just because it's fun)- Is there a picture (spanking, dd, Ds, etc related) that you just really love? If so, let's see it!*

There are tons! 



Hope you all have a great weekend!!! I know we will.  Fireman just texted to say as long as we can get a sitter, we are going out tonight.  Just US!! 
Xo, 
Elle

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Need

My husband isn't one to use the word need very often. Me? Oh, I use it daily. Hourly probably, lol. (Fireman, when you read this, don't forget I need the new iPhone lol). 
What I need is generally not stuff. We have enough stuff. My kids have too much stuff and I'm working on thinning it out. It's tricky, every time I grab something they haven't seen, talked about, or played with in a while? Nooooo! That's my favorite! I love it! I neeeed it. Lol. 
Now, I just try to clean stuff out when they're gone or busy doing something else and can't see me. 


I always say I don't can't function when FM is not here. I get in a tangled mess and feel like I'm drowning. Everything piles up, everything that could go wrong does, and I get overwhelmed. It's getting easier now, I think it's probably thanks to ttwd, but I still hate to be without him.  I hear from him more. He lets me know how he is, or that he's missing me. It makes me feel better... In the past, he's been out of town and I've only heard from him a few times for the entire duration.  We were just on separate pages. No communication. No understanding. 

All of that added up, to me, equaled that he didn't care. 

Now I understand that he did. He always has, we just weren't on the same wavelength. It goes back to that driving analogy. We were both steering, but in different directions and it wasn't working, obviously. Now, it's a different outlook for both of us. We are together, not always physically, but always mentally. 


I think I've told him a million times that I just wanted him to need me, but I never felt it. I never felt important or essential. I wanted to feel as essential to his life as he was to mine. I was, I just never felt it. 

All of that changed. 
Now I know. Now I feel it. Now I see it and I think know everyone else does, too. We've always been like magnets to each other, but now it's like a super-magnet. It is electricity. 


We are just drawn to each other. Even when we are sitting together on the couch.. We want to be touching. In the middle of the night, I'll feel him reach to me. 

He rarely says he needs anything. He never wants the newest phone. He never has the newest car or other item. He gets something he likes and stays with it. I think he's had 3 phones since we've been together. THREE. Not married, together! Almost 11 years together and 3 phones. I've probably had 11 lol. I am hard on things, I break things easily. I should really work at a testing facility for Good Housekeeping ;) 

It says a lot about him. He finds something he really likes and that's it. There's no trying to find something better, no always wanting new, bright and shiny. He wants what he has already. He makes a decision and sticks with it, confident with his choice. He doesn't usually have a need. 


Last night was different. He sent me a text when he was on his way home. I was just finishing up getting the kids' morning things ready when I got the text alert. *I'll need a quick shower, but then I need you ready for a quick maintenance session.

He needs me. 
And that's all I need. :) 

Xo,
Elle