Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A very unexpected turn of events... 3

Read Part two here

New Year's Day would've been one of those stay-in-bed-all-day days if we didn't have kids. I felt so bad I didn't want to face the world. But, you know kids. They need food and to be taken care of, lol. 

The baby laid down for a nap, the girls were up in their new room playing, there was nothing on television and my head was pounding. I went to lay down. I half hoped he would come in and lay with me, but the other half of me didn't want to see him at all. 

I took the longest nap I have in a long time. I came in to the living room and sat down. Talked with the girls and gave the baby his snack.  It took me a few minutes, but I checked my phone. 3 texts from my fireman... 

Jan 1, 2013 2:58pm

Ok. Lengthy text warning. 

I've been truly intrigued by the DD. mostly bc of the improvements it's made in our relationship (less arguments/fights), but also bc of the improvements and new spice in our sex life. However, last night brought the train to a screeching halt. Bc of that eye opening, and what you said about not knowing/wanting to continue the DD, I decided I needed to understand. And bc you said you wouldn't speak to me until I "got it". So I found your blogs and read thru most all of them. Not in a spying fashion, I've wanted to read them for a while and told you so even, but I kept thinking maybe you'd send me a link or something. 

Since you didn't, I found them in the history and attempted to "educate" myself. I must say, I thought I "got it" before now. But I know now that I really didn't get it. Or at least, the importance and mindset of DD didn't sink in until I read what I did. I think you need to know that I think about DD everyday. Often it comes too late in the day, or too long after the fact. And after some of the things you said, I hope I've actually "learned" more about what "you need", and that my saying this isn't coming too late. I DO NOT want to stop DD. I realize I've said I'll do better, (and did mean it), though move again like with a lot of things have failed to follow thru. So bc of that, maybe this text will unfortunately be just as hollow to you. I hope not. Something I don't talk about to you are the conversations that go on in my head. 

For example, the way I analyze things when lessons are learned the hard way. The example I'll give is what happened earlier - as I try and put together what I've read from your blog and what happened yesterday: I should have done D before we ever left the house. I even thought about it before hand and just did nothing about it, which is usually the case most everyday when DD doesn't happen. I probably should have also taken you to the bathroom there for DD when you shut down on me, bc you shutdown too easy then when I was gone for 15 minutes talking to R----  about work. That shouldn't have been a problem, but you don't make a lot of effort to "adapt" to uncomfortable situations, which you found yourself in bc I left the room and you were alone with semi-unfamiliar people. T---- (the wife) had no problem with us, it was because C---- (husband) had been drinking since 1 that afternoon. But that's really irrelevant to the point. You should not have been so defiant when we got home. 

Jan 1, 2013 3:24pm

I understand why you got mad at me, that same reason is nothing new, although I try to be mindful of leaving you alone when we are in places of "unfamiliar territory" for you. But you dealing with being in those kinds of places has to be better. And actually it has been lately. But yesterday was not good, and I take responsibility in part bc I did not do D before we left which I feel may have made a big difference for you  and also bc I have still not been consistent at all with maintenance. And reading your blog emphasized that to me in a perspective that I guess I just really didn't get even though I thought I did. 

So, I'm sure there's more, but this is where I'm starting. Or stopping for now till there's too much for you to comment on. Reading your blog, I almost wondered if I shouldn't sign up and become "active" in that part of your world, or "Firewife's" world rather. That's your thing though, and I also don't want to somehow impose on that, so I guess I'll say that I'd like to do it with your permission. But also, I suppose if we're going to continue DD like you said in one post, we often communicate better by text. So if you'd like to continue this conversation, then text me back and we'll go from there. 

****** I replied
Jan 1, 2013 5:47pm 

You think you've figured it out. But you didn't. I hadn't even thought of all that stuff. While I'm appreciate that you took the time to try to figure it out. It's still not right. 

Then what is it that I'm not getting? Bc I really did think that was it... 

No. I'm really not telling you. I don't want to talk to you at all. Not even text. I just thought I should respond since you sent all that. 

Unacceptable. I don't care if you want to talk to me or not, I deserve to know what you're so mad about.  

Tell me and stop acting like this.  

Silence.  I was just still too mad to talk about it.  Stupid hurt feelings that I don't want to deal with.  Sometimes, I wish he was a mind reader.  Then I wouldn't have to write text say the words. 

I was sitting on the sofa with the girls, the baby was playing in the floor, they were all watching a show on television.  I started writing part one, he began making dinner.  We ate, he went to our room and continued matching socks (I refuse, lol. 5 different sizes of white socks? I do NOT have the patience for that). 

I guess he read part one... I received these texts... (I know, it's probably stupid.  We are in the same house, why not just speak. But sometimes it's easier with the little people running around to text anyway. We've gotten into the habit of texting each other about different topics). 

Jan 1, 2013 9:40pm

Ok.  There has been a gargantuan misunderstanding AND miscommunication.  

I DID turn to kiss you first!! I swear it. And you kind of turned your head even more slightly away from me, so I kissed (the baby).  I then turned back towards you, and nothing!! I kept waiting for the opportunity for you to look up at me so I could kiss you and wish you HNY, and you straight up wouldn't even look at me.  At the count down, you turned your head down and kissed (#2)!!! I thought you were shunning me because you were already mad that we hadn't left.  I didn't exactly just sit and stare at you, but the instant I leaned in to kiss you, you turned your head and I thought it was on purpose.  I swear to all that is Holy, I'm telling you the truth!!!

I thought you were shunning me, and since I knew you were mad, I wasn't going to press the issue!!

... I haven't gotten any feedback on part 2 yet.  But I kind of got mad and told him to stop reading my blog.  I texted and said that I didn't mean he couldn't read it, just to stop reading it at that moment.  I don't know if he's read part 2. 

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.  I know the way to fix it, just like you all said: communication.  

I'm going to initiate a conversation now.  He's probably busy from catching up where's he's been off work since the 21st, but he'll get back to me eventually.  

I'll let you all know how it goes... and what path we are going down.  



  1. I don't know if I'm right or not, but I think what is missing for you is the whole protective caring aspect - at least for me that's what I would be feeling from this situation.

    I have been in a few situations like this before, well, three and from now on, I just tell "H" to go to these events without me because we have ALWAYS fought afterwards.

    "H" ends up out in a garage smoking or just bullshitting and he thinks I'll be fine inside playing mommy time and making friends... which, I don't do easily. I'm just shy and I don't have a lot on common with some of these women "H"s friends have married...

    The thing that makes me SO upset, is that I feel alone, and I feel like my Husband, who is supposed to love and care for me is just dumping me off so he can go and hang out, with no regards to how I feel.
    His view is: be able to make friends, have fun!
    MY view is: You're out chatting and haze zero responsibility, and here I sit, trying to make stuffy small talk while keeping track of the kids who are running wild in someone elses home.. Thanks a lot!
    THe problem is, He can't see my view, and thinks I'm just a bug baby, or socially inapt and I can't adjust...
    He SO does not get it and so far, DD hasn't helped in that area.
    Can we chalk that up to Man Syndrome? I don't know if they will ever get that unless they were already the type of guy to hover their lady and make sure she felt comfortable in an uncomfortable (for HER) setting..

    That's the part my "H" doesn't get...
    I don't feel secure & safe as far as His feelings towards me and how I see the situation.

    What I'd really want is to go there, and have Him playing games, talking laughing with his arm around me, or being playful with me while we have fun with others.
    Help in the small talk, break up a kid fight, or whining episode when one comes looking for a parent... not just leave me to sit and go off being selfish..

    OMG, sorry if I got off track and wrote a book on your blog!
    I could also be totally off base here, but I have been SO angry in situations like these before.. I feel like I can imagine exactly how you feel..

    Also - the snow thing.... I'd have wanted my "H" to be like "Let me help you - it's slick over here" and then proceed to help me form the car... just have SOME concern for my safety...

    It's the little things really - I have one positive, I don't want to sound like a witch - Now that we are in this whole DD thing - "H" has started doing something little that makes me feel a little love, I didn't notice when it happened exactly, but when we get places now, He waits for me to take off my coat, then take sit from me and hangs it up, He also has it waiting and holds it out for me to walk into when it's time to leave...
    It was a bit odd at first, and I just kind of looked at him and smirked, but now I totally get mushy inside when He does it...

    How can a guy who does something so little, be so dim witted in other areas of His woman?

    1. wow - sorry for the typos! LOL I had a little guy in my arms :)

    2. I think you hit the nail on the head! We talked a lot today and I think we are getting somewhere!! You're exactly right. I want that protective caring attention. That's exactly what I need.

  2. My 'opinion' might not be a popular one- and I'm sorry for that.

    For parts one and two I felt for you, and I still do. As for part 3 I feel for your hubby. He is really trying Elle. He might not be going about it the way you 'think' he should...but you are not letting him in so he went to your blog to see if he could find answers there. He even expressed concern that you would think he was spying on you.

    This 'action' is a huge step for him. He's trying to figure out the issue. You need to help him. It is so hard, I know when you are hurt- and then somehow pride gets mixed up in there..and then you want to be more right than actually seeing the real issue.

    Yes he made a mistake, in the fact that he misread your social ability, in an unfamiliar situation. Could it have been that you didn't really want to go in the first place ? That you felt the need to close off? I don't know, but it is something to think about. I know it is difficult to socialize in a new environment for some, and perhaps this misstep of his will not happen again in the future.

    This will obviously have to be on your list of things to talk about. You can do this Elle, but the ball is really in your court now. What you do will determine how things will proceed. Try now to not focus on your hurt and anger, but his side of things. I know it won't be easy, but your marriage is a partnership. It takes always takes two to get to the bad spots and the good spots. TTWD leads to a better understanding of each other. Yes the punishment part gives you a clean slate to start over. It is not easy for them to do that- just as it is not going to be easy for you to forgive him, for his wrong doings that you feel. That being said, it needs to happen.

    Praying for you to find the strength that you need to find within yourself to do the 'right' thing here- whatever you decide that is. I mean truly the right thing for your relationship.

    Much Love

    1. I always want your opinion; even it it's different than what I want!! I appreciate your view. I try (TRY!!!) to look at things from another point of view, but I don't always succeed at seeing it. Especially if I'm as hurt or mad as I was.

      I agree with you. I couldn't see it at first, well, I could, but not as much as I needed.

      We have talked today. We haven't gotten to anything definitive, but we are working on it.
      I told him everything. He has made some excellent points. We are working through it.

      Thanks you so much. And always leave me your opinion! I want it!! :)

  3. Here comes some honesty, but hugs first! *hugs*

    Im sorry you guys are going through a rough patch, but you are right. He isnt a mind reader. Giving him the silent treatment and asking him to figure it out on his own is unfair. He is reaching out to you to try and fix it. Help him help you. I totally get needing some space to cool off and get your thoughts in order before talking about it, but I dont think its fair to tell him to figure it out. And I think he deserves some points for finding your blog on his own. I think that shows initiative.

    On the flip side, I would be pissed if I was left alone too, but again, hes not a mind reader. Id just ask him not to leave me again. And I dont think its fair to you for him to tell you that you not adapting to that situation is unacceptable. It is his responsibility to guide you. Guide. Not push. He cant expect you to just be ok and adapt because he told you to. He has to show you how, give you encouragement and positive reinforcement. Punishment and spankings in this situation, is pushing and shoving, not guiding. Of course, that is just my opinion.

    You are right though. Communication is the only way. I know you guys will work it out. I cant wait to hear the resolution. :)

  4. I think you're going to get essays from all of us today Elle dear. Hope you don't mind, as I already wrote quite a lot under your two previous posts.

    Whilst Dd is different for all of us I haven't yet had a punishment. I can say to you quite frankly that I don't know what me reaction would be if I were put in that position. LOL NOT!

    I get two warnings. So far I've managed to listen to the warnings and make the right choices. Sometimes it's very, very hard.

    We only, at the moment, have one maintenance a week on a Thursday morning. I try to discuss all my feelings with Starman, and I ask him how I've been over the last week, and what he would like me to work on in the coming week. Sometimes his comments cause a rapid intake of breath, because they are not what I expect.

    He then spanks me. No getting away from it. Always over his knee whilst he sits up in bed leaning against the headboard. Always nude. He rubs my back to start off with and always talks. He talks and talks. He spanks hard. He then moves on to an implement, and due to the OTK position the choice is a little limited perhaps, but that man just knows what stings the most and what I hate the most! There is no 'number of spanks'. I endure it till he stops. Sometimes it is sooner than I would like, and sometimes I cry. And afterwards we make love.

    Now - this session is important to me because it is showing me the love just from being skin to skin. He loves me enough to spank me and reset me for the week. If I have strayed off track a bit, I know he spanks me harder (and he isn't exactly soft anyway) and it helps me to let go of my angst.

    It also reminds me to try hard to learn to be more submissive, and it reminds him that he is the centre of my universe and that I rely on him, now, in every way.

    Sometimes, the hugs, the kisses, the closeness, the hand-holding, the making the dinner, the sorting the laundry, the making the coffee, the bathing and putting the kids to bed, are little demonstrations of his love for you. To immediately think you need a disciplinary spanking is maybe not always going to put things right.

    Someday soon we may step up to two maintenance sessions a week. Mr BB Spanker has always given me excellent advice, and so has Mick, and they both say go slowly and have patience. Now I have slowed down my expectations, things have improved.

    Talk to your Fireman, and even if you think you are in the right, apologise for your feeling grumpy. Our men hate it when we are hurting. They hate silences and muttered replies to their questions. I know from my long married experience that he is acting completely normal for a man. They don't think the way we do honey. You've gotta meet them more than half way. But the bonuses are great!

    Like Emi above, I have noticed one little, little thing that Starman has suddenly started to do for me. If we've been out anywhere, or if we go to someone else's house, he has started to open the door for me and stand back for me to enter first. I just always have a big grin on my face. I have never had him do this before and I just love it. I'm sure the car door will come eventually!

    Much love and I do hope you get this little snarl up sorted out.

    Bear hugs! Ami

    1. Thanks so much Ami!!

      I will take your advice. I do need to apologize for yesterday. And probably for saying no to the spanking I should've gotten when we got home.

      You are right about so many things! I am going to reread if my phone will let me!! I'm on 1%!

  5. oh Elle, Hugs to you. Your fireman is making an effort. (round about here I would like to suggest that your Fireman and my Silence should blog and talk to each goodness they sound the same!).

    The longer you stay in your hurt the harder it is going to be to break out of. You are right, you need to communicate, he has started that by reading your blogs and texting you...

    And he is a MM (mere male) they sometimes, (and I always fail to understand how they can miss the obvious) just don't have a clue to what is going on.

    I hope that you get through this together, and come to a new understanding about each other and your needs when you are out and about too.

    Much hugs

    1. Thanks M3. I always appreciate your comments :) and you are right.
      We still need to talk more, but I think we're getting back to where we need to be. :)

  6. I'm impressed that your fireman is trying so hard to understand. I 've read several blogs where the wife was complaining that her husband couldn't even be bothered to read her blog. I know you guys will be okay, you just have things to work through. Like we all do. Wishing you both much happiness in the New Year! :)

    1. I am too. I was impressed that he took it upon himself to try to figure it out. He is really great.
      Thanks queenie!!

  7. Hi Elle,

    There is so much in these there posts that I can relate to. Sometimes it just feels like they are oblivious to our feelings. I guess in the end they are just men and are, well, practically from another planet! At least he is trying hard to understand your feelings and the ins and outs of the situation. I'm afraid my Alex might have given up after a round or two, lol. Hope it all works out and you two get back on track. De-railing is hard on both of you but I'm sure you will reconnect soon!

    Hugs to you,


    1. In the past, mine would've given up before now too and just waited til I got over it. It was definitely a breakthrough for both of us. We are all good now! :) thanks!

  8. Hi Elle -
    I'm new to your blog, but for what it's worth wanted to throw in my 2cents. I pretty much felt like Wilma, I was with you for 1&2 but left your corner at 3. It is clear he is really trying. I know it is so much easier for us out here to say.....aww come on forgive him, but it is very clear your Fireman is a good man, and he loves you very much!!


    1. Thanks Betsy. You are 100% right. He really is the best.

      I'm also glad I didn't one-side these blog posts so everyone can see he really is amazing :) thanks for commenting and you're welcome to comment anytime! :)

  9. Hi Elle,
    I can't take the time to catch up on part 1 and 2 but it sounds like you two are doing some very important communicating...all the things that will set the groundwork for how you move forward. I know it's tough work but it's good. The more you can let him in, the more he will understand you and the other way around as well. I'll try to stay caught up from here on in!

    1. I kind of bombarded with this series of posts!! I was just going to make it one post, I had no intention of breaking it up, but after I got to the end of one, it was already long.. I knew it wouldn't all fit. You're really not behind, lol! I was just windy, lol.

      We definitely had a positive set of communication from this part to last night. We are happily back on track!

    2. YAY!!!!!

      You should be so proud! Okay, okay, I'll wait until the follow up post- BUT know that your sharing will help lots out there that end up in a similar situation. Good job at making it through to the other side...argh...I'll wait. I'll wait!

      Love Willie!

  10. I hadn't read this post before I commented on "Part 2" But everything I said there applies here too. I would not have said or done as he did, more likely I would have waited till you seemed ready to talk; but your sulkiness would not have done our relationship any good. My Rose used to have the habit of sulking when she didn't get her own way, but thank goodness she seems to have grown out of that now.

    All the best to you both in this adventure of DD!