It's happened once again. That horrible disconnect where everything goes wrong and no matter how hard I try or how many times I say or think we will fix it, it's just not getting back to where it needs to be.
I don't know exactly when it happened. Things are actually starting to slow down with the kids, unfortunately my training has picked up. What's slipping through the cracks? Us. Our time. Our communication. Everything that involves the two of us seems to have taken a backseat to everything else.
When I started this journey, he was very supportive. Don't get me wrong, he is still supportive, but he's not happy with us falling behind. The support has wavered slightly, it seems. I'm not happy with it either, but it's different for me.
Here's one of my chief complaints of my husband. It may not be what you think.... Ready for it? Lying. He thinks it's no big deal. And it's not lying about where he's been or what he's doing. He's not lying about who he talks to or anything like that, don't get the wrong idea. He lies when I asks him what's wrong. Nothing. Obviously something is wrong and either he doesn't want to get into it or whatever, it drives me insane. I just see it as being lied to and instead of him bringing the issue up, he just says nothing and goes back to being a terrible mood for the rest of our short time together.
I asked again this morning what his deal is after he came in the living room, kissed me on the cheek with a curt 'bye' and started to turn around and walk away. It feels like it's more than just the non-sex that's happening here these days, but he only replies with nothing. Then I give him the look, you know the one, and he finally speaks up that I should know what's wrong and implies that I just don't care. I just didn't have the energy and he needed to go anyway. I sat on the couch and stared at him standing in front of me. I looked back to my phone and said it's 6:30. He left.
Two hours and no text. Same thing happened yesterday morning after we didn't have sex in the shower. That's a tricky subject anyway. He loves shower sex. I hate shower sex. And so it goes. He was pissed when he left yesterday too. He tried to make some moves while we were still in the shower, I knew time was running out and he needed to leave for work. (We generally shower together every morning. I leave while he's still in bed for the gym, I usually wake him up when I get back and we end up showering together. It bums me out when he's gotten up and gotten one without me.. like this morning.. but I knew he had to be there semi-early. I tried to leave the gym early to make it back in time for it.. anyway).
I know he's feeling neglected. I get it. I really do.
I'm spent though. After getting up early to get to the gym to do my morning cardio, then coming home, getting laundry going, generally doing the dishes, straightening up before the kids get up, my day never stops either. I have a few classes through the week that I head back to the gym for, so that makes my evening busy.. add in the kids' activities and I'm just spent. Early bedtimes are over, the kids are staying up later, I'm getting in bed later than I should and that's with zero time spent with FM. I just don't know how to get it all together.
At the most, I'm getting 6 hours of sleep these days. I'm a sleeper. I need sleep. I always have needed sleep. He can run on just a few hours where I cannot. I get cranky, I get angry... I *need* sleep. I'm on what needs to be a way stricter diet (nutritionally, not cutting way down. It's plenty of food, lol) and I get a little angry when I start getting hungry too. I'm working really hard on new goals and I am just getting lost.
It feels like I've finally found something that is me and while he is supportive, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like that I'm away in the evenings so much. It's not because he has the kids, he's great with our kids, I think he just doesn't like that I am gone so much. That is super aggravating, because it's fine for him to be gone. He can run on the fire calls and do all the training, but he doesn't like it when I do something similar. At least he doesn't have to worry about my safety, lol.
I want to keep my head in this. It really does take extreme focus and the right mentality, but lately it's getting harder. I don't want to give up. I don't want to stop. I want there to be more hours in the day, but I can't change that either.
I have more to say, I think... but I've got to run. I can't even proofread this at the moment, so please excuse any typos or run-ons... or sentences that don't make sense. LOL. We all know I tend to ramble, so excuse that too.
Hopefully I'll find time this afternoon to come back and fix this post.