A big disconnect

*** long post warning. Feel free to skip it.. It's really just to try to organize my thoughts anyway =\ 

I have a feeling this post will be a big jumble of thoughts. I can't get my thoughts organized. I'm in a tunnel.. A fog. It's dark and unclear. Nothing fits together, nothing makes much sense. 

In the past three days, I think fireman and I have spoken less than 100 words. In THREE days. Even by text. Most of the conversations from the past few days fit on one or two screens.  In my last post, I wrote about how we are great at texting and talking to each other. I don't really know what happened. Or maybe I do. Deep down somewhere, maybe. But I can't figure it out. 

Thursday we took the kids on a day trip. It was fun, but even then we barely spoke in the car. The kids watched movies on the DVD player to and from.. But we mostly sat in silence. Looking back now, we didn't even hold hands, which is very odd for us. Usually his hand is on my leg or even between them.. Sometimes it's holding on to the back of my neck or just holding my hand. But this day, nothing. 

At the facility we were even disconnected. We didn't really talk or anything. He almost seemed preoccupied, looking back. I don't know. I spoke to him a few times, but he wasn't really paying attention. I tried to just let it go (big step for me, by the way). I never said anything about it or let it get to me. It was busy and we were both trying to make sure the kids were having fun, I think. 

On the way home, nothing good was on the radio, so he gave me his old iPod. I switched one song before it was over and that's where everything blew up. It sounds stupid even typing it... But that's how it happened. He completely chastised me and I was actually kind of shocked. I was just switching the song to one that was old and reminded me of one we listened to when we were first dating. I turned the song back, waited for it to be over, and just turned on the radio and tuned everything out. It was hard to hold back the tears.

No other words were exchanged that night. The next day the texts were so minimal, you wouldn't have even caught them if you weren't paying attention. Friday night we ran down to the mall, but barely talking. Definitely not speaking about anything important. When we got back home, more distance. 

All week, I have just felt alone. Monday he was late, Tuesday late, Wednesday I was late, then he changed the oil in my car. Thursday the trip, and so on. It's been so stressful with the little girl I watch. She's just not behaviorally where my kids are. I can take my kids to lunch and they're generally very good. An occasional argument about who is sitting where, but other than that good. This kid screams at the drop of a hat. She throws fits, she fights, it's exhausting. 

I haven't even gotten paid for watching her last week yet. Super fair, huh? It's a tricky situation, because we are related and I don't feel like I can get out. Plus, the money helps out sometimes... When they actually give it to me. I don't think I should have to ask for it. They don't ask for theirs from their employer. I have vented to FM about it. While I really don't know what I expect him to do... His general response is I'm sorry. I know, this all sounds so stupid. 

I think her giving me stress and anxiety all day is starting to wear on me, though. And now with the no check and no mention of one.. Is it worth it at all?  I try to stay positive. I try to think every day will be better than the last and that she will get easier as she gets bigger, but she hasn't. At all. If anything, she's gotten worse.  I just don't know. It feels like he doesn't really care, like we just need the money so I need to deal with it. I try to just deal with it, but the she does something and I want to pull my hair out. 

This weekend, he's at a fire-related class until around 5. So alone again.  He's really busy too, so even if we were communicating by text, it is virtually impossible. 

Yesterday (by text) I told him I just felt lost. Everything is weird and I just feel lost. 

*I know. 
We need to talk and I want to talk. 
Obviously I can't now, but we will have to find the time and a way to do so after I get home.*

*I don't really have anything to say.*

*Well I do. So we'll talk later.*

I fix the kids lunch, clean up the kitchen, and get #2 & #3 asleep. #1 was watching tv, so I caught up on Nashville on the iPad in our room. It was a nice escape and I was actually looking forward to talking. 

I was still laying on the bed when he came in. He was gone for what felt like forever, showering and changing clothes. I was half-asleep when he came in and laid down too.  I was patiently waiting............. When he finally said something. 

Do you love me? 

I do. 

Then can you just show me sometimes? 

Long pause. I thought he was being playful at first and starting an honest conversation. 

That's slightly offensive.

I was, once again, shocked. Seriously? If anyone knows who loves the other, he knows I do. I (expletive) tell him all the time how I can't function when he's not here. I can't. I don't do well when he's gone, I don't like to be here without him. I do every single thing I do, FOR him.  And yet, he still asks me that? Wtf? 

We don't kiss. We used to. A lot. When we were dating, 10 years ago, he used to hate when I wore lipstick. So I stopped. I still don't wear any... But we don't kiss at all. There is something wrong with that, right? 

I mean, I'm saying maybe once or twice a month we will maybe kiss. Maybe a tiny make out during sex, but no more. I'm not exaggerating,.. Or un-exaggerating. It's been this way for YEARS. 

I've been all but begging for a date night. We've still not had one since the one I posted about a while back. The one where his mom was supposed to keep the kids all night for us. I was going to give him total control over everything as soon as they left.  It never happened. It hasn't happened since then.  

I just went back and looked, that was at the beginning of March, end of February :( 

I know it's hard when you have kids to get away, but isn't that one of the most important things?  I am always the one who plans a date night. Or asks if we can do one.. or figures out something we can do.  And he asks me if I love him? 

This isn't even about the dd that has been completely absent for I don't know how long.  3 weeks? I think maybe 3 weeks.  No maintenance. No reconnection. No role-affirmation. Nothing.  I haven't said a word.  I was just waiting it out.  I had barely blogged about it until earlier this week.  I saw my blog was pulled up on his phone, but he never said anything about it.  I didn't get any feedback or comments. 

Speaking of, I'm sorry I've sucked at replying to comments too.  I'm going to work on that.. 

I slept on the couch last night.  He asked around 11:15 or so if I was ready to go to bed.  I didn't think I could go in there and lay beside him in silence.  I just shrugged and he went without me.  I turned a movie from the DVR on and did not expect him to come back in the living room.  He never does.  If we are arguing or having a problem, he can go right to sleep. It's always been that way. 

I used to wait and wait and wait for him to come console me or ask me to come to bed with him, etc.. but he never, ever did.  So, I just stopped waiting for it.  

This morning, I heard him telling the girls goodbye.  I was awake, but not up.  He never kissed me goodbye, he just left.  More tears.  More fog.  

I asked him why... he texted back that me coming to bed with him is like him kissing me goodbye in the morning.  

*You just went right to sleep.  It wouldn't have even mattered.  I was up when your tv went off. I don't know what your problem is.*

*My problem isn't necessarily you. So know that. 
It just seems like once a month or so you become almost distant.  Like mentally.  Your state of mind and mood just swings to a bad place.  A lot of times maybe it just lasts a day.  This time, it's been like over a week.  The distance from you causes a rift. And then stress and chaos at home just separates us and thing just blow up like this.

So my problem isn't you, it's me not being able to close that rift and change your state of mind before things fall apart like this.*

I haven't replied.  I don't know what to say.  I've given him all the tools to 'take care of' any mood issues.. but he doesn't utilize them.  I researched and researched this lifestyle because I knew it would help us.. and he's half-assed the effort.  One week is amazing.. then it falls apart.  

I don't know what else to do.  I swore I wouldn't take consent back, but that doesn't matter when it's not even apparent in our lives.  

Thanks for reading if you actually made it this far.  Eventually, this post might be taken down, I don't know.  It was more for me anyway.