Monday, May 20, 2013

Asking for it...

I swear, I have set out to write this post 4 times. I just can't get enough time to myself to get my thoughts written down in a readable way. I get sidetracked... Unfortunately not with laundry, lol.  It has seemed to pile up in mountainous form.  

We've been slightly disconnected again. It takes a while to figure all this out, I guess. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but it's true. If there's one thing I could say to new, beginning ttwd/dd couples: It would be it takes a while to figure it out!  It truly is wonderful and magical, but there are bumps and twists. It's not as easy as other couples (bloggers!!) make it look. But, like my favorite saying.... It's worth it. 

We have always had rules, they just haven't really been enforced. He doesn't want to seem like a hard-ass, but I see it as uninterested. He has a laid back outlook on things. He's not tightly wound like me and generally not stressed. The combination of all those little details can make a storm in my brain. 

Sometimes he says something gives direction and it's entirely serious to him. To me, it's more half-hearted and just said in more of a joking-around manner. The other night, I didn't set out to test the limits on this, but it ended up that way. I wasn't quite sure exactly how far he'd let it go... The answer was a surprising one that left us in a bit of turmoil. I ended up stomping off going to bed alone, while he stewed on the couch. 

The next day, all was better after we talked via text during the day. We came up with an idea, because I had honestly thought he was just teasing around. A "safe word" approach when I'm not taking him seriously. It's easy, it can be used in public or private. Great idea, right? Except we didn't implement it immediately

I swear we are like a book on what not to do sometimes, lol. Turns out, wayyyyy too much time had gone by since we had maintenance. I felt completely ignored, he just thought I was being difficult. I went back to feeling unimportant and thinking he wasn't into it. 

One thing we get right eventually? Talking. Sooner or later one of us can't stand it and initiates a conversation. For the majority of the time, I think he waits for me. If he lets me text first, he knows I'm ready. Otherwise, he thinks he runs the risk of being shot down. He's never actually said this, I'm just assuming :) 

Last night, we really talked. We defined a safe word. We talked about me using it when I felt like I needed maintenance. He's always said I should just tell him when I felt like I need it, but I can't get there. I cannot make myself say (or even text!!) the words. I think about it. I envision it, but I just can't do it. Have any of you ever asked for it? Does it feel weird? It just makes me feel like I'm trying to control the situation and that's not what I want. 

I didn't want to wait until the time before bed when maintenance occurs to find out if he was going to do it tonight though. I contemplated sending the text. One simple word was all it needed to say. But could I actually send it? 

Turns out I could. I'll let you know how it goes ;) 



  1. I can agree with you, it's for SURE not as easy as it looks. I started this thinking it would be and over a year later I've still not got it. There are some things writing just can't quite capture, you just need to feel it.

    Good for you for being able to ask for it and find a way that lets you do so more easily. I know it's such a tough thing to do, but working out a plan like that is awesome. I'll be looking for updates to hear about how it's working! ;)

  2. Asking works like a charm. Good luck

  3. Asking for it can be tough but eventually it will get easier. Maybe if you keep letting him know when you need it he will see it before you have to speak up. Sometimes men just need to be hit over the head with the facts.

  4. I agree with dancingbarez and with Dragon's Rose, asking for it does work and it does get easier. I understand how you feel like you are controlling the situation, because I have felt like that at times to. You know what I did? I told Barney that,and he set my mind at ease. He assured me that asking for help is not controlling, it is just that, asking for help. You know what else, asking for help is the mature thing to do- no testing, no acting out.

    Good for you.

  5. Hi Elle, it is definitely not easy and It seems to me to be a constant learning process.

    Asking for it sure is not easy. I don't think I have ever outrightly asked, but I have 'hinted'. Yeah, great communication eh! LoL

    your idea of a safe word is a great one. It is so much easier to use that one word. Good on you for using that word!


  6. oh wow. elle. this is brilliant. it has been a little while since my professor and i have had any maintenance (we've just moved and life is crazy). i love this idea of having a word. i'm going to talk to him about it tonight. i never thought i would say i needed to be spanked, but in all seriousness, i know that i do. for the last several days, i've found myself tearing up with anxiety or frustration over our life right now and i need release. he will, of course, think i'm crazy (again), but i'm going to send him this post and i think it might better explain how i'm feeling without having to explain how i'm feeling. thank you. :) i needed this.

    i can't wait to hear how this turns out for you...

  7. It is a CONSTANT learning process, for sure. A roller coaster ride like no other, lol. I'm glad you got the courage to say it, and I hope it works. :)

  8. It definitely is not easy to ask for it. I did for the first time about a week ago. I actually tried hinting first several times but he didn't seem to get it. Finally I took the plunge and asked him in a round about way, basically asking for his help. Next thing I know I'm over his lap lol
    I'm glad you were able to ask and the safe word I think is a good idea.

  9. I can only echo what has been said above. Being Ami, I have learned over the years to keep asking till I wear Starman down! So 'asking for maintenance' comes second nature to me. It's just that because we rarely get time together at the moment for such things more than once a week, he then does 'add ons'. Some of the 'add ons' I hate!

    But my advice to you is to gird your loins and ASK. I very much doubt, knowing your Fireman, that he will say no. And you will find after a few times, that he learns how to recognise you beginning to fizz, and he'll nip it in the bud!

    For us, 'safe word' had a whole different meaning, but I think your idea is excellent if it works for you.

    You've actually come on leaps and bounds in this. Just think about it!

    Many hugs


  10. That's a great step, elle :) I never had a problem asking for play, and role affirmation ('I need to feel you, please') but stress relief, oh goodness, that's a different ball of wax. Usually he is good at reading me, but when he doesn't get it, or things happen when we are separated I sometimes struggle, but my magic word there seems to be I need help. It works, and it's kind of comforting that he is willing to give me that gift.

    Hope it brings you peace, lovely that he heard you.


  11. Good job..better give us an update soon. I can't imagine asking, that'd be hard I think.