First, an update since it's been quite a while since my last post. I've had plenty to post about, but with the end of #1's school coming up, tball games, dance class, pictures, recitals, practice, etc etc etc.. Everything had been busy.
The baby is doing okay from his surgery. Every so often he has to have more pain medicine, but he's mostly doing okay. No big fits like he was throwing. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for him.
The family thing has been cleared up also. Instead of just bitching and complaining to fireman about it, I actually said my words to the people I had the issue with. They sat unresolved for about 24 hours, then everything worked itself out.
Our dd life is not great, though. Not at all. I haven't had any spankings, maintenance or otherwise, since before FM was out of town. Even since we had our last sit down, come to Jesus talk, I've not had one punishment spanking. We worked everything out too.. Or so I had thought. We had a small list of rules, since he was having trouble on how to punish for what. We had a plan on what to do if I tried to say no. We had a plan for just about everything. He was even talking about upping maintenance, since it generally works out well for both of us.
But, nothing. I think there's only been a handful of maintenance spankings since then. I'd guess less than 5, but I don't know for sure.
So, my question is... We always talk about how it's not right for us to take back consent, right? What about no follow through? No meaningful words? No truth.
I mean, that's basically what it is. No truth.
I know there are women who complain about what a hard-ass their HoH is, or how he won't let anything slide. (I don't think there are any on blogger, that I read regularly, but I've seen it on message boards or whatever..). I have to think that's WAY better than having one who is completely disinterested and couldn't care less.
If you're unfamiliar with this kind of HoH, I'll fill you in. It makes you feel like you're not a priority. You're not important enough to deal with and/or hold accountable. All the words you've discussed and plans you've laid out mean absolutely nothing.
I can hear some of the other side of the argument as well. I'm an adult. I shouldn't need my husband to punish (? For lack of a better word) me when I let my car get too low on gas or don't do the previously discussed required loads of laundry. I get that. But that's not how this lifestyle is supposed to work. I'm not supposed to be the only one doing my half. Or doing my 49%, I should say.
You can do 49 with the other person not doing 51.
I've made little comments about how it doesn't matter, he's not going to do anything about it anyway. Oh, we'll see, he'll say. So then I'll just say mmhmm, I guess we will. And what happens? Nothing.
Since he's returned from being out of town, everything has been so weird and distant between us. It's not just me, even though he fails to see it that way. He thinks it's my issue with the fire departments. It's absolutely not.
My issue is not being important in his life. I feel like I compete with everything else. His parents, the fire station, all of it. It feels like on so many occasions, the minute he gets home, his parents (dad, mainly) are out there, making it even longer before he walks through the door. FM will swear its coincidental that he was already out when he pulled up, etc. He doesn't see how frequently it happens, it's not a coincidence. They want to know everything. And because he thinks I have issues with the fire station, he won't tell me. Then, when we are together with his parents, I'll overhear him telling them something he's excited about. Meanwhile I'm sitting there, completely out of the loop.
This same thing happened when he got back from the fire conference thing. He'd been gone the entire week. The people he was with left way later than he'd wanted to, so he was home later than he'd liked. I get a text *Let me in, I'm home!*
I send a flirty *Make me* back... And I receive nothing. Okay... Maybe he doesn't realize I was playing. I go to open the door and what do I see? His dad out in the driveway talking. Seriously?
I'm still so exhausted. I could cry on command right now. The kids are wearing me completely thin, so much running, so much going on. And he doesn't get it. He just adds to it.
Our anniversary was very recently. It was just weird. He posted an outrageously extravagant post on Facebook... He sort of sent roses, which is VERY unusual for him. I don't think he's ever actually bought me red roses before. And we've been together for ten years. He took us all out to dinner to a place we never go.. But it was all weird. It was like forced and unusual.
Honestly, I tried to get past it, but it was impossible. He's weird too and he won't tell me why. He just says it's me. But I'm the one who went to bed with just pants and a tank, no panties or bra.. And I wasn't even touched.
So.. I think there's no dd here. I'm over the up and down. I'm over him swearing things will be different and he'll not half-ass things this time. It's a let down. I think I'll just go back to doing things like I used to, because at least then I knew what to expect.