Thursday, June 6, 2013

I owe you a do-over...

I set out two different times earlier in the week to write blog posts, but never made it. The kids are loving swimming and being outside, so most of my time is spent in the sun. Unfortunately, I wasn't careful myself last week on our first pool visit and I got sun-poisoning. Ouch =\  I am usually a tanner, but I guess I jumped right in, instead of warming up to the rays...  The good news is, I've learned my lesson and I will be super vigilant with myself for sunscreen. 

I swear, it was so bad I half expected a spanking for being so thoughtless!  I'm always careful with the kids. I never want them to burn!  Oh well. Live and learn. 

Saturday evening we had a great maintenance session and reconnect. He initiated (again! Yay!) and it worked like a charm. However... Sunday wasn't so great. I guess I was dreading his going out of town on Monday and ended up being (in my words) a complete pain in the ass. It just kind of stormed into a not-so-great place to be. Monday morning he was up and gone before I was awake and it was awful. 

All week our texts were just kind of short and business like. How are the kids? Good. How are you? Fine. Horrible! Eventually I said it was just all weird because he didn't left on the best terms. Plus, I get super depressed when he's gone. We were busy, so that did help. If I just had to sit here and stare at laundry that needed put away or watch tv alone, it would've been much worse. 

I had plans in my head for when he got home. I thought, well. I don't really know what I thought. Sometimes it's fine. Sometimes it's not. I know he has/had to leave for work sometimes. It's certainly not as bad as it could be, but with us being in a semi-argument.. It was hard to forget. 

I blew it. That's really all there is to it. He left yesterday evening and drove hours to get home. Hours. I was excited to see him. I waited up, in just a tank and cute panties even! But, I completely blew it. I was crabby and tired. I didn't let him see how happy I really was for him to be home. I just sat on the couch browsing Pinterest. I can hear you, I know, I'm a complete jerk! Oh wait. It gets much better worse. 

I'm just going to bed. Are you staying up? No, I'm going to bed. He walked in front of me and sat on my side of the bed in spanking position. This is definitely what we needed, but I have no idea what was going on in my head. I was not having it. 

I'm really tired. I know. No, really. I know. (I'm sure he was thinking.. Uh, I was just in the car for 5 hours. I'm tired too). I patted his side of the bed. He patted his knee. I tried to hang on to some control and keep my panties. Wrong. He yanked them down. Well, I'm not counting. He continued. I just couldn't get in the right head space. Completely defiant. Still not counting. Throwing a few Owwwww's in there, but oh. It was a train wreck. 

He just stopped. You're done. Uh oh. I completely went to far. I just stayed. He didn't say anything. In my mind, I was completely picturing this being the end and him not initiating. Great job, Elle. You've ruined everything! He was doing so well, too! I just laid there silently until finally, I said you're done. Great. 

We laid in silence. I played on my phone until I was out of candy crush lives and watched an old Big Bang Theory from the DVR. Eventually I just rolled over, but scooted near him and fell asleep. 

I thought about changing things. Surrendering (is that the right word?) everything, getting up, taking off what little clothes I had on, and begging him for a do over. I just couldn't do it. I think not only was my head not in it, I was exhausted. I sleep terribly when he's gone, so that when he's finally back, I'm ready to just sleep

He slept in a tiny bit later than usual, but got up and got in the shower. #1 had bible school today, so my alarm was going off too. I woke up in a slightly better place. I went in, brushed my teeth and cleaned my face. He was at the sink and I was just standing near the hallway staring at him. Really, I was convincing myself to give in. Say you're giving the do-over. Say it! I swear I was screaming it to myself, lol. 

He knew there was something, but had no idea of what. What is it? I stood there. Really? What? He walked closer. Quietly I almost whispered... I owe you a do-over. Faint smile and he headed immediately for the bedroom. 

I climbed back to my place and he rubbed for a minute. He's not great at the lecture, but I think he's probably going to try to work on it. He started right in with the hairbrush. Can someone seriously tell me whyyyy I ever bought that thing? Twice!? 

Heyyyy, that's starting right off with the hairbrush? Well. You shouldn't have made me do the do-over. At least I was nice and offered it. That's true. And I really appreciate it. Whack. Whack. And on and on. He is getting better (eek) with administering the difference between maintenance and punishment, but he hasn't punished for much else, so I guess we will see. He probably could've kept going. I definitely deserved it. I probably deserve more tonight. My behind will be mad at me for saying that since it's still a little sore, even now, but I still feel badly about what happened last night. I guess I will wait and see how he feels tonight. 

He sent some texts this afternoon about it being all good, but he also sent some of the lecture... That I think if he would've said earlier, during, I would really feel like it was taken care if. If any of this makes sense... It feels like I'm rambling, lol. But, as of right now, I still feel bad. I feel like I deserve it more.. Ever felt like that? How do you get past it? Ask for more? Wait? 

We will see.  


  1. Elle, I can soooo relate to this post.

    I think it's sooo brave of you to tell him you owed him a do over. I dont know if I would have been able to do that, so good job. :)

    There have been a couple times that i've felt I deserved more, but instead of telling him, I wanted him to just *KNOW.* Finally, I realized he isn't a mind reader. Recently, I told him I thought I deserved more and also that I thought if he lectured more, it'd be more effective. He's working on it, and I think by my opening up about it, it helped with his confidence in it - if that makes any sense.

    Just try talking to him. Whether it's face to face, texts, emails, a letter - whatever is easiest. I hope it works out!

    1. I'm the same way, Kenzie!! I want him to just know! I do need to work on communicating things like that better to help him.
      I will definitely do it. Thanks!

  2. Elle,

    I think a lot of us struggle with this. I know I do. I used to struggle with, "Please just spank me, reign me in, I am so out of control." I had to learn to tell him. Some things he could read, but others no and didn't want to do the wrong thing. So, we often chat on line, while in the same house...

    1. It's way easier to write and communicate (text) than to say it!