Finally!

After about 2 hours.... omg has it really been 2 hours?!?!.. of looking for a new background and trying to apply it to my Elle's World page, I think it finally worked.  I swear, blogger hates me.  What did I ever do to you, blogger???

I've got a couple comments to reply to, but one was posted this morning and it really rang true.  Willie commented to say  "...You are both realizing things about each other, and your relationship, so you can't get 'BACK' you have to find a NEW feeling of connection."  Wow, how true is that? It really hit me then.  

I've been so hung-up on the idea of going back, that I couldn't see the real picture.  It's not possible for us to go back.  Just like we can't go back to anything that has happened that neither of us is happy with.  We can't go back to where we were.  It's impossible, both figuratively and literally.  

After the way I felt, I couldn't just go back to things the way they were.  Ttwd... had ultimately failed me, I felt.  I think we all start out with these expectations of how domestic discipline will change us in all positive ways and change our significant others in all these positive ways. While that certainly happens, it does NOT happen overnight and doesn't come with some negatives, too.

I am a perfectionist, I can't help it.  It's always been that way.  If things aren't perfect, it drives me nuts.  Do you know how many times I've not gone to church because I couldn't find something acceptable (to me) to wear? Too many to count.  I get this idea, then I can't get past it.  If it's not this or that specifically, it's not good enough, it's never going to work, I can't do it.  It's exhausting, but unfortunately, there's no on/off switch in my brain for me to fix it.  

Ttwd helped saved my marriage, no doubt.  He knows it and I know it.  He has said it over the past week.  He wasn't trying to pressure me into a dd relationship and he was even afraid of talking about it too much and running it into the ground (his words, not mine).  

I wanted more.  I wrote that in my last post, I was just so hurt over not feeling important and this being the one thing that would help me feel important.  Going back was something I couldn't make sense in my head.  

Today, I realized that it's only forward.  We can begin a dd relationship, but it's not and can't be like it was.  That is the only thing that is impossible.  It's not impossible for us to achieve that level of closeness again.  It's certainly not impossible to incorporate spanking into our lives.  Rules still need to be there.  The laundry isn't going to do itself! Lol!

I sent a text... and we continued to work out things that way.  I told him I would jump in, but with a time limit to reevaluate.  In a month, we'll see where we are, discuss where we're going, and if this is what we are continuing.  I can't foresee a reason we wouldn't, but I didn't see this happening either.  I needed a disclaimer, I guess. 

Immediately, I felt the stress lift away from my shoulders.  I think he felt empowered again immediately, too. After texting for a few minutes, he sent me a message that made me realize I'd made the right decision: *I feel like you've forgotten or lost sight of the fact that you belong to me.  It gives me doubts and sends MY mind to dark places.*    

Now, I get it.  He understands completely.  *Look at you putting your HoH hat right back in place.*

*Lol. Yes you're damn right I'm putting the hat back on.  But something else that's going to change, I will do a better job of telling you how I feel. I WILL try and do a better job of having more frequent dates with just us also.*

We are just going to keep the rules we had, but since they've been non-existent for so long, I asked for a reminder.  They were on the journal app, but I don't have access to it when he isn't home.  I came up with a great idea.. a private blog for just the two of us.  I added a new blog, so it will show up on our dashboard, and we will be able to write any and everything down in it.  It's private, so I won't have to worry about anyone seeing on my phone, and it's accessible from wherever we are.  Perfect!

We are also going to make it a point to actually talk to each other face to face.  Here we are, having been together for over 10 years and we are barely comfortable speaking face-to-face about important issues.  That is not okay with me! He agrees.  

I'm feeling so much better about everything.  I still need to realize there will always be ups and downs, but that it is fine.  We are fine, we're going to be fine, and everything is fine even when it's a little chaotic.  

Hope you all have a great evening! :)

xo, 

Elle