Monday, August 19, 2013

A break.... Or breaking point? Part 1

**I had planned to just write it all out and publish, but now I see it's way too long.  I'm just going to publish this one.. then go ahead and write part 2.**

To be honest, I've been avoiding blogger. Yesterday was the first day I'd signed on in at least a week. Very bizarre for me, I'm generally checking it every few hours or when I have downtime. But not recently. 

Okay, this is sad. I just opened a new tab to check when my last actual post was and the address didn't pop up on the history. Then I went to type it in.... And I couldn't even remember MY own address. Wow. 

So, apparently it been 17 days since my last post. In that 17 days... A LOT has happened. On the 7th, I actually wrote a post while I was waiting on #2 at an appointment. I wanted to edit it from the iPad, since I wrote it on my phone, but I never got to. It was never published. 

That beginning of the week went okay. Busy for the last week before the start of school. Everything going pretty well. I can't remember clearly, but I think we had one maintenance session in there. Then, the end of the week happened. It was not good. Not good at all. 

I'm sure he wishes we could go back to that week, but honestly I'm not sure how I feel. I'm just stuck in a land of shadows and quietness. 

I'll go back and explain. Unfortunately, Thursday happened. A preseason game (football) was on. Technically our first game of the year. I love football, I was excited. 

And seriously, the only reason he began to love out all is because of me. He was never a fan before I showed up. Lol, now he has surpassed my knowledge of the rules and plays. 

I texted him that morning. Why don't we see if your mom could watch the kids and we could go to a sports bar/restaurant and watch the game.. Or part of it? He agreed and said he'd ask her. We hadn't had any type of alone time/ date night in forever. More than months, really.  I'm sure this part will sound stupid, but I laid out my clothes right then and washed & fixed my hair. I have a bad habit of just leaving it a ponytail (a stylish one! Lol) or a messy bun, unless we are going somewhere. It's just long and in the way if I'm just going to be running with the kids or be home. 

Needless to say, I was excited. 

We had lunch with my mom and then I took the girls to an activity. Talked to him a little and he was weird. Just not the mood I expected. I mean, it was alone time?! With yummy food & football! Then the coffin nail. Money. Ughhhhhhhh. Nothing ruins my mood more than him bringing up money.  

He doesn't realize the coupons I use or how I cut corners to save money so we can still do fun things.  It's very rare I don't have some type of coupon when I take the kids to lunch.  

Anyway, his mood really killed my spirit. I got home and he was sitting on the couch, just uninterested in the entire thing.  I was shattered.  We can still go.  No.  Not now.  Not when I'll be sitting there the whole time knowing you're mentally tallying up everything.  Or making me worry about what to order and everything else.  He didn't put up much of an argument.  

Then what happens? In my twisted mind, I see it as him not wanting to spend time with me.  He doesn't want to spend time with you. It kept going through my brain.  I couldn't turn it off.  Just kept trying to tell myself it was fine.  I was fine.  Keep it together, you look like a crazy person.  

Friday, he was supposed to go to a little get together with me.  I was asked to get into a business and I wanted him to go with me to her party so we could see if it was really a good idea.  I loved the product, but I just wasn't sure.  I needed him there.  Needed him to hear what was said, the details, etc.  

I get ready and ask him if he was going.  No, I think I'll just stay here.  Shot #2.  He doesn't want to spend time with you.  There it is again. No. No. No. No. No! Do not lose it on the way to your friend's house.  I cried the entire way there.  

Got home, fixed the kids dinner.  Are you coming with me in the morning? My first 5k.  I hadn't ran in forever, I was a little nervous.  Never having done a 5k before, I wasn't sure what to expect either. Instead of a hmmm, well let me talk to my parents to see if one of them would come keep the kids (the race was early) I just got a bewildered look.  I wasn't expecting this.  He told me he'd be there.  Before I had signed up, I told him I was nervous.  I'll be alone. I'll be waiting for you at the finish line, he'd said at the time.  Now, here he is completely balking at it.  I can hear it again.  He doesn't want to spend time with you.  Doesn't want to be there.  Doesn't want to get up early for you.  And then... at that moment... You're not worth it.  

I just said okay and walked back into the kitchen.  Trying to shove all those thoughts out of my mind, unsuccessfully.  

I know this is getting really long, so kudos to you if you've actually hung in there.  I don't know that many  of you will.  I'm just kind of indifferent.  I love all of blogland, but I know my ups and downs were exhausting last month (or whenever it was)... so I do hate to be posting.  But, I also have always said this blog is just for me.  The followers and internet friends are just a bonus.  

Something happens to me when things like this happen.  I go to a dark place.  I shut down.  It's like a defense mechanism.  I repeat to myself that I'm fine. I can do this by myself.  I don't need anyone else.  I can do it.  

I have messed up.  It's hard to write, but it's true.  I acted in a way that I truly, truly regret and is the one thing I would take back if I could.  (It's probably not what you're thinking, by the way).  That's when I really thought our marriage was over.  I didn't want to be here, we were barely speaking.  It was a total nightmare.  

But we recovered.  And it's something I live with.  It's left a bit of a scar on our relationship... And why am I telling this? It's for this reason that I think one day he's just going to stop.  It will be too much and he'll just stop wanting to be with me.  

The Bermuda triangle of events that happened completely sent me over the edge.  My head was a scary place.  

Saturday, I was awful.  I barely spoke to him.  We had things to do all day, but barely spoke.  After the kids got in bed and I got out of the shower he asked me to sit by him on the couch.  He showed me the hairbrush.  

I'm sorry, no.  He looked at me like I was kidding or testing him. I wasn't.  I was serious.  I couldn't do it. I could not give myself to him.  He had completely let me down over the past 3 days and I could not do it.  I wouldn't.  He didn't want to be with me, didn't want to spend time with me.. and now he wants to spank me? No.  

He sat there in a state of shock, with a hurt look, and I went to bed.  

I'm going to finish part 2 now.. and probably have it published later today.  
Hope you all are doing well, 


  1. Aww Elle, I'm thinking of you. I hope that sharing it at least helped it get off your chest. I know I've blogged about many ups & downs and dark places and it does help to get it all out there and process it through writing. I am hoping that things start to look up for you of course. I can relate to not wanting to give yourself to him after he's let you down. It's a very hard thing to do when all is well so when things get rocky it's just that much harder. If you want to talk or anything I'm here.


  2. oh elle i'm sorry. it's awful when things are this stressed out and you can't see straight. i am so sorry! i have been there before too. i'm going to go read your other post and hope this whole thing ends better!


    1. Unfortunately it's not over =\
      Thanks Maryanne

  3. Oh Sweetie, I hear your pain. {{{HUGS}}} I'm heading over to read the second half now. But I totally understand you not being able to climb over his lap. You just didn't feel he had you, and you have to feel that in order to trust and let go. {{{HUGS}}}