There are times during every day where I think I'll just tell him I want it back. I picture me going to our room, him sitting on my side of our bed, ready to have me disrobe and go over his lap. I think about his hand rubbing my behind and delivering methodical smacks.
When it comes down to saying it at the end of the day, when we actually have alone time, nothing comes out. I waiver and decide against it.
I think I am painting a terrible picture of him. Or maybe that I have. None of that is true, though. He is the most wonderful person in the world. I wouldn't change him coming into my life for anything. It's just that our relationship is bipolar. It's up and down, rarely now... But when it's up, it's so f**king high, you can't make out the dots on the ground. And when it's low, I can't find a way up. I can't see the light, can't make myself realize that everything will be fine.
We are both extremely passionate people, but in different ways. I am a tornado flying from one thing to the next. He's the volcano. It takes him a while to bubble up, but when it happens.. Look out.
I still want that connection. The connection that is currently lost. We are trying, but it's just not the same. He says it's because ttwd is missing. I'm just not sure. I'm not sure I can go back to it.
Yesterday he said I expect too much of people and it's completely true. Expectation has caused an immense amount of problems in our life.
He also texted me something the other day after the last two posts were published:
You have to come to terms with something. I am going to let you down. I am. Never intentionally, but I have a knack for it apparently. But it goes both ways and you're going to let me down too. It's part of bring human.
And I've said it to you in the last how sometimes you set me up to fail. You can have such high expectations of me and despite my best intentions, it's inevitable that I won't meet any of them.
I wasn't sure how to respond. It was true, but I also hate the excuse part of it. It's like when people do something, say I'm sorry, and expect it to be fine. Just because they're sorry doesn't fix it, you know? I guess that's a subject for a different blog post though.
I want more. But, I'm terrified to want more. What if it is just me setting myself up for more disappointments? That feeling is quite possibly one of the worst and I don't want to go through it again. It just might be easier to control things myself and not have the worry of expecting him to take over. To wonder if he will be consistent. To obsess over maintenance and worry about bringing it up. To obsess over bringing up different areas of ttwd to talk about.
I just still don't know. I'm okay with this boringness, but I know it can be so much better...