Sunday was not fun either. I can't really remember what we did all day, but we were gone mostly and didn't talk. The air was just wrong. It was avoidance all day.
Monday rolled around and the texts rolled in.
What about it?
Are we done with it?
I think maybe.
You don't have anything else to say?
You took back consent.
Again. I have lot to say.
But without starting a fight
about it, idk.
Oh because we are getting along so
Our getting along so well
is bc you quit on dd.
No. That happened days before.
No it did not. Things were
hostile on both of our parts.
I chose to wait til the dust had
settled, for me too, bc I was
so furious, to handle it with
spanking, but when you took
back consent, that fairly well
Me quitting had nothing to do with
It was then I realized he did NOT get it. At all.
You let me down.
I continued on to tell him exactly how I felt, instead of just not saying anything. I told him how throughout our ENTIRE relationship, I was always competing with something, I was never just #1 or the most important thing. I told him that the mistakes I had made, make me feel like I don't deserve it anyway and that I just think everything will implode on me one day. I told him how him never planning anything for just us makes me feel like it doesn't matter.
He still didn't get it. I had to unload completely everything for it to finally click to him. Honestly, I felt bad for unleashing it all, but I also felt good that he would see it.
He understood it all. What else do you have to say? I told him I really didn't have much else to say. He wanted to know what all of this meant for our ttwd.. and all I could say was that I didn't know. I told him I can't just jump back in. What else do you have to say? I'm sorry I let you down. And I still believe that dd saved our marriage. But I equally believe we may end up in the same bad place without it. I don't know. I just don't know.
That was the end of our conversation about it. Monday went on, we were busy, then he was at the fire station. I couldn't sleep. I got everything off my chest, but everything is still so messed up.. I can't.
He asked where I was mentally. I don't know. That was pretty much the only thing I could say to every question he would ask me. How do we fix it? I don't know. I just honestly don't know.
I don't feel like I even know where your
head is. Or what you want. All the shit
happened. And we've talked it to death.
Idk that there's necessarily rectification,
but rather a peace agreement so to speak.
Idk that you're ready to be over the hurt that
I caused you. Idk that you're ready to kiss
and make up bc I don't feel that interest from you.
So idk what to do. I'm afraid.
I just don't know what to do.
It's really on you to figure out.
Bc I can't tell you. It's really up
to you how things move forward.
I'm just saying, I can't make this
happen on my own.
I love you.
He really is trying. And he has been. We really did text/talk it to death. Neither of us can come up with any type of solution. Thing are still weird.
I moved my 'I'm not ever making any plans for us again' thought and asked if he though we could get a sitter Friday night and go do something. He agreed and we had a really great time. We went to dinner and listened to a band. We even finally had sexy time that night (I mean, it was a serious drought, even before the incidents).
Saturday morning came around. Still weird. Still a weird air in our home. We were getting along just fine, but it was just still weird. A giant elephant still sat with us.
Saturday night we watched the creepiest movie and I shouldn't have watched it, lol. I cannot handle all that violence. I keep seeing it for dayyyysss. I even tried not to watch those parts, but I did. Ugh. Terrible movie.
Sunday was wonderful. We slept in. I got the kids breakfast then went back and cuddled in bed with him. I could've stayed there all day. We showered together, got lunch, ran some errands and came back home.
Suddenly, that f&ck*ng elephant was back. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix us. I thought the date night would do it. But it didn't. It really was a great weekend, but it just didn't fix it.
We've addressed everything, at least I have. I think he would tell me if anything else was on his mind. We've talked everything through. We have apologized. It's just still not right.
Is it because ttwd is missing? I don't know. I don't know if I want it back. It's just a lot to give myself up again and move to him.
Our entire life together, I swear, all I wanted was him. Him to love me and want me.. and think I was the most important thing in the world. I want him to just see me. Just worry about me and want to be with me and spend time with me.
I realize it sounds childish and selfish, but it's what I want. I just want to be important. It's just been so many times let down. And then I let him down, too.
It was just the big milestone events. Memories are all not what I want them to be. It wasn't what I thought it would be.
We've been together for 10 years. I don't want to go anywhere else. I don't want him to go anywhere else. I can't change the past, even though I wish those memories were different.
I hate getting to this point. Just like after what happened a week and a half ago, just writing it makes me remember it all. It creeps back in and reminds me of our past. The memories that didn't go like they should have. Is it my fault? Am I not good enough? Does he just put up with me? I don't know.
I'm sure this is ridiculous. Maybe I'll end up taking them down. I was hoping to accomplish more in my head and writing it all down, but it just brought it all back instead.
Which is exactly what I mean. How do I fix this? How do I not think of things that were messed up? Or that I messed up?
I sound like a crazy person. Fantastic.
Maybe I'll get some good advice, figure it out, and take these insane posts down.