Monday, August 19, 2013

Breaking point.. part 2

**Read part 1 here.**

Part 2

Sunday was not fun either.  I can't really remember what we did all day, but we were gone mostly and didn't talk.  The air was just wrong.  It was avoidance all day. 

Monday rolled around and the texts rolled in.  

                What about it?
Are we done with it? 
                I think maybe.

                You don't have anything else to say? 
You took back consent. 
Again.  I have lot to say. 
But without starting a fight
about it, idk. 
                Oh because we are getting along so
Our getting along so well
is bc you quit on dd.
                No.  That happened days before.
No it did not.  Things were 
hostile on both of our parts.
chose to wait til the dust had 
settled, for me too, bc I was 
so furious, to handle it with 
spanking, but when you took
back consent, that fairly well
ended it.
                Me quitting had nothing to do with 
                you spanking.
Then why?

It was then I realized he did NOT get it.  At all.  

                 You let me down. 

continued on to tell him exactly how I felt, instead of just not saying anything.  I told him how throughout our ENTIRE relationship, I was always competing with something, I was never just #1 or the most important thing. I told him that the mistakes I had made, make me feel like I don't deserve it anyway and that I just think everything will implode on me one day.  I told him how him never planning anything for just us makes me feel like it doesn't matter.  

He still didn't get it.  I had to unload completely everything for it to finally click to him.  Honestly, I felt bad for unleashing it all, but I also felt good that he would see it.  

He understood it all. What else do you have to say?  I told him I really didn't have much else to say.  He wanted to know what all of this meant for our ttwd.. and all I could say was that I didn't know.  I told him I can't just jump back in.  What else do you have to say? I'm sorry I let you down.  And I still believe that dd saved our marriage.  But I equally believe we may end up in the same bad place without it.  I don't know. I just don't know.  

That was the end of our conversation about it.  Monday went on, we were busy, then he was at the fire station. I couldn't sleep. I got everything off my chest, but everything is still so messed up.. I can't.

He asked where I was mentally.  I don't know. That was pretty much the only thing I could say to every question he would ask me.  How do we fix it? I don't know.  I just honestly don't know.  

I don't feel like I even know where your
head is. Or what you want. All the shit
happened. And we've talked it to death.
Idk that there's necessarily rectification,
but rather a peace agreement so to speak.
Idk that you're ready to be over the hurt that 
caused you. Idk that you're ready to kiss
and make up bc I don't feel that interest from you.

So idk what to do. I'm afraid.
                   I just don't know what to do. 
It's really on you to figure out.  
Bc I can't tell you. It's really up 
to you how things move forward.
I'm just saying, I can't make this
happen on my own. 

I love you. 

He really is trying.  And he has been.  We really did text/talk it to death.  Neither of us can come up with any type of solution. Thing are still weird. 

I moved my 'I'm not ever making any plans for us again' thought and asked if he though we could get a sitter Friday night and go do something.  He agreed and we had a really great time.  We went to dinner and listened to a band.  We even finally had sexy time that night (I mean, it was a serious drought, even before the incidents).  

Saturday morning came around.  Still weird.  Still a weird air in our home.  We were getting along just fine, but it was just still weird.  A giant elephant still sat with us. 

Saturday night we watched the creepiest movie and I shouldn't have watched it, lol.  I cannot handle all that violence.  I keep seeing it for dayyyysss.  I even tried not to watch those parts, but I did.  Ugh.  Terrible movie. 

Sunday was wonderful.  We slept in.  I got the kids breakfast then went back and cuddled in bed with him.  I could've stayed there all day.  We showered together, got lunch, ran some errands and came back home.  

Suddenly, that f&ck*ng elephant was back.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to fix us. I thought the date night would do it. But it didn't.  It really was a great weekend, but it just didn't fix it.  

We've addressed everything, at least I have. I think he would tell me if anything else was on his mind.  We've talked everything through.  We have apologized.  It's just still not right.  

Is it because ttwd is missing? I don't know.  I don't know if I want it back. It's just a lot to give myself up again and move to him.  

Our entire life together, I swear, all I wanted was him.  Him to love me and want me.. and think I was the most important thing in the world.  I want him to just see me.  Just worry about me and want to be with me and spend time with me.  

I realize it sounds childish and selfish, but it's what I want. I just want to be important. It's just been so many times let down. And then I let him down, too. 
It was just the big milestone events.  Memories are all not what I want them to be.  It wasn't what I thought it would be.  

We've been together for 10 years. I don't want to go anywhere else. I don't want him to go anywhere else.  I can't change the past, even though I wish those memories were different.  

I hate getting to this point. Just like after what happened a week and a half ago, just writing it makes me remember it all.  It creeps back in and reminds me of our past.  The memories that didn't go like they should have.  Is it my fault? Am I not good enough? Does he just put up with me? I don't know. 

I'm sure this is ridiculous.  Maybe I'll end up taking them down.  I was hoping to accomplish more in my head and writing it all down, but it just brought it all back instead.  

Which is exactly what I mean.  How do I fix this? How do I not think of things that were messed up? Or that I messed up? 

I sound like a crazy person.  Fantastic.  

Maybe I'll get some good advice, figure it out, and take these insane posts down.  



  1. Oh Elle :)

    You sound so down and I wish there was something I could offer to make you feel better, but it's difficult to give advise when TTWD comes to a halt. I've been there so I know what it feels like. When we make ourselves that vulnerable and open to hurt, it's difficult to want to trust again. TTWD makes our emotions very raw and bring it right to the surface, sometimes it's difficult to step aside and look at the problem objectively. I know I'm a very emotional creature and can let things get me very down, and then find it hard to come out again for a while :(

    I get what you mean, wanting to be the most important thing in FM's life, and I'm pretty sure you are, it's you wanton him to show you more with words and actions, rather than expecting you to "just" know it.

    I'm not too sure what exactly is the problem here, and that makes it more difficult to advise, maybe I can play devils advocate, please don't see it as judgment from my side, that's not my intention at all, just to give you some things to ponder :)

    So you want him to initiate things more, so it's not you always planning, date nights or the maintenance and such. Maybe FM has never been one for taking the first step, and needs help to get in the habit of this. Maybe you could organise this, find a sitter, first and then let him know you have someone for the kids, and let him know you would like "us" time, this will start the conversation rolling, he might not be comfortable choosing what to do, so you could do it together, decide where and things just flow from there. Same goes for any reconnection and maintence, whatever you guys call it.

    Fm might be unsure of himself still. Being dominant is something to learn, it doesn't come natural to every man, the same as being submissive is hard for a lot woman, me included. Taking little steps together to learn and grow, along side each other. When you feel the need to reconnect, or even think he might need it, bring it up, " honey, it's been awhile, I thi k we could both use the connection". You showing your confidence in this dynamic, will most probably help him to gain confidence. It's all a learning process, none of us were born in to this life, we need to learn all the time, grow and evolve.

    I know you feel lost and confused, and now on a break from DD, questioning the need for it, or even wanting to leave yourself that vulnerable, but honey, you have got to trust and believe in your marriage. Life is complicated, and hard. Throw in a few kids and a stressful job, and you have less sex, less dd, and less time. You guys are always on the go, so many responsibilities, it's not easy, but it's life, so all you can do is, get back up, dust yourself down, and jump right back in and carry on.

    When life gets in the way, consistency gets thrown out the window, I know this because it happens here on a regular basis. We're learning to take it as just that, life and nothing else. TTWD gives you some pretty good tools to deal with certain aspects of life, when the timing is right, but it's not a magic cure. Sometimes one or both partners need time to process and sort through their feelings. This is a very important process. If you yourself don't know how you feel about a topic, how can you help your partner ???

    Sometimes we have an image in our head how a conversation should go, or a situation should work out, when these don't meet our expectations, we feel upset and hurt and misunderstood, but sometimes just stepping away from the whole thing and trying to see things from the other side, will bring a lot of clarity. Also sometimes what we want and crave, is not what we get, but if we really look at what we have instead, it might be different, but not at all bad :)

    I don't k ow if I made any sense, I just hope I didn't over step the mark :)

    Lots of hugs babe, if you ever need a chat, let me know :)

    1. Oh Missy! You are the best. Your comments and even playing devil's advocate are always welcome. I need to look at it from different sides. Sometimes I get stuck and can only see it from my point.

      I had actually let the consistency thing go and he was doing marvelously at it. Our ttwd was just in a great rhythm until this happened.

      I think it is hard for him to plan sometimes. And instead of using one of our mothers, we actually got a real sitter. Now that we've found one and our kids love her, I think we will do that more often. It can only help!

      Thank you so much for your comment :)

  2. Elle, I have had, what I have referred to as the Summer of Suckiness. I was so far away from Barney at one point, I had removed my wedding ring. Trying everything seemed strained. I have written posts since that time, but I am working on a post on 'how' I came back. I shall send you a rough draft.

    Sadly there is no ONE thing that made me come back. There was no epiphany. There wasn't some wonderful action on his part. He remained his steady self while I floundered. I tried many things, and I believe in some ways they all helped me inch toward him a little, although at the time it didn't feel like it. I felt like you, " WOW today was a great day, we are getting back to ...BAM....sucky day again" Sometimes it is like walking in mud. It is so difficult to see the little ground you are gaining. My suggestion, just be. Don't think, don't strategize to try to get back. Be, float, allow things to happen, and the process will bring you to where you are supposed to be. I am not saying give up. I am saying don't force the issues.

    When we first started ttwd, I wanted so desperately just to 'make the list'. Barney's list. Now I want to be at the TOP of the list. I am, and he is learning how to show me in ways that I understand and can see. He is learning...SLOWLY urgh! communicate things sooner, like, " I was too angry to deal with it at the time" or his phrasing has changed from, " Just because I am quiet doesn't mean I am not thinking about....." to " I need a little while to think about this, or I need you to talk to me when you are ready, because you being quiet means something is wrong". All of these little changes came from HUGE blow ups and distance periods. In some instances this took many, many times like this before we changed.

    I am just an email away if you need to talk to someone who understands :)

    1. Thanks so much, Willie. I can completely relate.

  3. You need to listen to what Missy and Willie have said Elle. Such good advice. I'm right down there in that "sucky" place with you at the moment, so I'm not a lot of good. But I have listened to their advice too, and that is that I am not going to say another word about TTWD if I can help it. From now on, it's up to him! So I'm one week down and counting.

    I so hope you two can sort things out.

    Lots of hugs


  4. You are worth it. I just want to say that first of all. {{{HUGS}}} It sounds like you both need some reaffirmation of your love for each other. DD or not, you both feel very uncertain, and it might help if you both look for ways to show each other that you love them. Do you know each other's love languages? That might be a good place to start. Or doing something that he enjoys in the every day. It might be hard with how you are feeling to go out of your way to show him love, but it might help him show you love in return. I think he does want to work this out, and I think you do too, and as long as you're both fighting it together, you will come out on top. Maybe list a few things for him that you could hand over to him. A list of things that would help you feel more important. The pastor and his wife that gave us premarital counselling used to tell us that it wasn't even changing what we did sometimes, but the order in what we did them. If your kids need help with homework, his mom needs help with errands, his boss needs something picked up for the next day, and you need his comfort. It might be just him prioritizing when to do each, not leaving you until last. I'm not sure any of those help, but in case even one will, thought I'd share. {{{HUGS}}} And Elle, thank you for being so open and honest with us, I know it wasn't easy, but it sounds like it was something you needed to do.