It's not really what I want. But I can't do it by myself. It's not 60/40 with the 40 putting in all the effort. This endless cycle has shown itself more than once in our 10 years together.
10 years tomorrow and we aren't even speaking right now. I want to pick up my phone and text him. I want to start a conversation, even if its more arguing. I want to know why he has once again started something without following through. Once again I've been promised and it's fallen through, because there are too many other things taking priority. Then again, I want to wait and see if he will text me.. But he probably won't.
Too many times I've been promised and nothing. Trivial things, like promising my kitchen would be 100% done after we redid it before #1 was born. It's still not 100%. Promising me, I mean looking me in the eye and swearing an appliance would be taken care of and not be a nuisance in my life. After 13 months, it still is.
I try to not get aggravated about it. I try to not let it bother me. I don't need things perfect or need a big, perfect house. I'm happy with everything we have. We are able to do things for our kids that we want and put them in extracurricular activities. I wouldn't trade that for a bigger house, but I work hard at making our home nice and it's ruined in a matter of minutes. And before you guys say it, I know it's impossible to have 3 kids, plus 1 extra and have a clean house. I know, that's not it.
I cleaned and organized our kitchen on Friday. It took me all day long, with chasing the babies and helping the girls. The child I babysit is a nightmare and I even managed her on Friday to get my kitchen to where I really wanted it. Drawers and everything were cleaned out. It just needed really organized. What did I see yesterday? Stuff piled on the counter and a complete dismissal that I had cleaned it.
It's just getting so old.
I didn't set out to write this post and make Fireman look like an ass. He's not. It's genetic. His mother will come over and complain about his dad all the time. And I've seen it. Nothing is ever finished. Always too many things going on at once, too many "priorities."
I don't feel like one of those priorities. It seems like everything is more important than me. Last weekend it was him being selfish. It's an endless cycle and I'm tired. I'm tired of it going so well when there's actually effort put in, then trying to ride the wave of effort instead of continuing to work.
Last night was yet another breaking point. I'm told (not by fireman) what's for dinner. Stupid time change, a headache, and this head cold that I've had for a week
Yes, I realize I sound like a brat. But sometimes I'm just not in the mood to listen to his mother complain about his dad, listen to his dad talk insanely loudly on a phone call, and try to get the kids to eat, all while the tv is blasting. It's complete overstimulation.
The kids were already gone when we started arguing. At this point, I don't even remember why it started but it was inevitable. Everything between us over the weekend felt forced. We weren't connected. We haven't been.
Friday night I actually thought we'd get to spend time together after the kids went to bed. Then, he asked if I cared if he went to hang out at the fire station. Well, if you want to go there, you obviously don't want to be here.
I know I'll hear it about that, how he rarely goes out there and it's been so long since he went. Yes, fine. I will not understand it. Ever. Most of those guys are unmarried and don't want to sit at home alone or with their parents, fine. But some of them have a wife and families. You're not 16 anymore and ... Ugh it just annoys me.
It hurts my feelings. Usually I really don't care, but come on. We've had zero alone time. It's been a stressful week with sick kids. I'm sick. Fireman was sick and I told him to get an antibiotic, which I went out and picked up, then he didn't take for two days.
I'm rambling. If you've made it this far, you deserve a yummy treat.
The cycle continues and then he follows me into the living room after I walked away. Then he gets into HoH mode.. Go to the bedroom. Abso-bleeping-lutely not.
I told him I was done. Actually done. I was tired of this cycle of fighting, then swearing we are going to talk about things and figure them out. Of course, there's no talking about it. At all. Then the cycle repeats itself. There might be a role-affirmation/maintenance thrown in, but no discussing. No figuring anything out. Nothing.
So, it's a tricky time here. I don't know what's going to happen. As of right now, no ttwd and I'm probably taking a break from blogger for a while. I don't want to be this whiny-complainy person that I have been lately.
I hope everything is going better for all of you than it is here.
Ps, I want to add. I know this does make FM sound bad, he's not. He's the best. When he's in it.
I also tried to proof this, but teary, puffy eyes and a baby attacking are conducive to editing, lol.
I want to rewind to January when this was perfect.