Down...

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers about the baby. He did come through surgery fine. We had a couple rough patches and at one point, I thought for sure he was going back to surgery. They even called a surgeon in in the middle of the night. I had a panic attack at that moment and thought for sure I'd pass out. 

This week has been so rough. Fireman is out of town, like many other firefighters this week. There's a big thing (since I don't know exactly what to call it), and many firefighters and fire-related companies head to this each year. Last year I'd managed just fine. New~ish baby, but we were okay. He was sleeping through the night, so it wasn't a particularly rough week. 

This year, so much different. I'm losing my mind. I was okay Monday, even with the baby having a really tough recovery day. Even Tuesday, into Wednesday I was doing okay. Then Wednesday night it hit me. We still had a couple days before he was going to actually be home. 

Bedtime has been thrown out the window. I don't think I've even gotten to the bed until after 11:30 every night this week. (Wow, just now blogger tried to eat my post. Jerk. Thank you, auto-save!). The baby has slept terribly. I've been up and down. I've had some help from my family, but not from other people that I expected to at least check on him. I'm extremely pissed about it and its completely changed our extended family dynamic. Of course, they don't know it has, because they haven't called or checked or anything... But they will. As soon as they need me for something, they'll soon find out. I'm done. 

So, along with hurt, frustration, and now anger from all of that, add in little sleep, plus fireman being gone... It's not a good place for me right now. 

I finally told him last night and I think he got it, but there's really nothing he can do. He's hours away. He's not alone, so he can't just leave. I'm trying to be supportive, but he's even got something Saturday after he comes back.  That's when I realize even though he'll be back tonight, he'll be tired. He'll be going to sleep.. Then up early to go to another fire-related activity/training. I'll have to do Saturday alone and we have a lot scheduled. Sunday we will be together, but then Monday starts all over again and he has training that night, too. 

My head is not a fun place right now. I feel like I'm being overly dramatic, but it's just all becoming a lot. My family letting me down, being alone... And even after he comes back I'm going to be alone again.. it's just too much. 

Update on the baby :)

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, and prayers. He came through the surgery just fine. He does not like the anesthesia and is quite upset as it is wearing off. But he is finally napping and I'm grabbing a quick bite. Fireman and I did not want to eat in front of him, so we took turns running down to the cafeteria to scarf some super-fast lunch.
Thank you all again!
Xo,
Elle

Maintenance, sleep, stealing clothes... Lol

Well... Elle had maintenance last night. 

It was a little difficult for me at first. My head just wasn't really there. We had been to a kid-themed activity, lol. It was really cute and our kids absolutely LOVED it. But, it was sort of late when we got home. I still had to get school stuff ready for #1 and get a shower myself.

I think I finally got in the shower at my bedtime. I have been super tired lately.. Even starting early at like 8/8:30. It's so unusual for me. Before we began this whole dd thing and established "the rules," I'd stay up so late. Fireman would go to bed around 11/11:30 and I'd sometimes still be up, fighting sleep, doing nothing. I know I was still tired then, too. Probably more tired than now. I am a sleeper, lol. I need sleep. 

Before Fireman and I lived together, he was in college and living on taxi taco (lol autocorrect) bell and mt dew, lol. Oh, and like 4 hours of sleep. He would come over and stay with me until I fell asleep. He'd leave me sweet little notes to wake up to. I just needed sleep and he didn't care, he just wanted to be near me. It got to where I had trouble falling asleep if he wasn't there. I'm still that way. He has to go out of town next week and I'll be absolutely miserable. 

Before, going to sleep at different times, we weren't connected. It's so beneficial (for me, at least) when we go to bed together. I like a routine. I can be spontaneous with things and I love to be surprised... But I'm super hard to surprise. It's the little things that I like routine in though. Bedtime. Car rides. Little, weird things. 

Anyway... Back to maintenance, since I just rambled about sleep. I was just tired and my head wasn't in it, at first. I actually wasn't even expecting it. He ambushed my shower and then stole my clothes, lol. Before I realized, he asked went to our room and asked me to come in there. 

Did you steal my clothes? 
Maybe. Come in here and you can find out.  Hottttttttt! 

Walking in, I saw him on the bed holding the hairbrush. Can someone remind me why I bought that? 

He was a little more sting~y than usual, but I think it was because its been a week since the last one. I'm assuming I'll get one or two more before he leaves on Sunday :(  I did get a really nice reward after the maintenance too ;) 

It was a good maintenance session though and I am glad he went through with it even though we were both tired. He's always afraid I'm going to decline or refuse a spanking. I'm going to always try to not and I've given some suggestions on what to do if that were to happen. 

I have cleaning to do before tomorrow. The baby has his procedure tomorrow, so please keep us in your thoughts!! Hopefully it will be quick and we will be home before the evening, I'm hoping to avoid an overnight hospital stay. It will be a busy weekend again, especially with my fireman going out of town next week. 

Xo, 
Elle 

Ah, texting.

I sent fireman a text while he was gone Sunday that I had written an obscenely long blog post. Ok. I will read it shortly, he replied quickly back. 

A few minutes later, he sent: I read your post. I'm really, really REALLY glad that you do post when you do. Even if we aren't having problems, it's still a side of your thoughts that sometimes doesn't make it out in our normal convos. But I'm even more glad for it when we are in the rut that we are. 

We didn't get to talk Sunday night, but just having my side out made everything less tense. I knew he knew how I felt and while I didn't know exactly how he felt, things were easier here. We went for delishy Chinese food Sunday evening and went to bed together. 

Monday morning is when we really got the conversational ball rolling. I asked him to just pick a point and start, which he did. We kept mostly on track and got just about everything hashed out. He talked about things bothering him, he commented on what I said in my post. We talked about a lot. 



.........


So, I started writing this on Wednesday! Now, here it is late Friday night and I'm just finishing. It seems like we get busier and busier. Do you guys feel that way too? 

Anyway... We talked a lot and we still need to talk more. I did get my maintenance in on... Monday or Tuesday. I forget which now... But it was great. The only bad part is that it hasn't happened again yet. He had a fire call last night, then I was exhausted when he got home. I think I was asleep on my way to bed, lol. Had to wait until this afternoon to watch project runway, lol. 

For now, all is right in Elle and Fireman Land :). I so appreciate all of the comments and love from the previous posts. All of the responses really helped. It is true that you're going to have rough times. It can't always be great all the time, but the key is that it's okay! I get very hung up when things are not so smooth. I instantly panic and think we aren't going to be okay, when really we are. I know I need to breathe and realize that it's just a hiccup. He still loves me. I still love him. And together, we will work through whatever. :) 

Tomorrow is another busy day, first tall game of the season, all kinds of fun activities. Hopefully some fun times for just me and fireman, too ;) 

Hope all of you had a great week and have a great weekend! 
Xo! 
Elle 

I'm a sucker for a meme ;)

1. Where is your cell phone?  
--On my lap
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend?  
--married 7(ish!) years
3. Hair?
-- long, mostly blonde
4. Your mother?  
--helpful, exhausting, fun
5. Your father?  
-- well.. about him
6. Your favorite item(s)? 
-- 3 beautiful kids
7. Your dream last night?  
-- usually involve zombies (lol)
8. Your favorite drink?  
-- love sweet tea
9. Your dream guy/girl?  
-- smart, handsome, fireman
10. The room you are in?  
-- the living room
11. Your fear?  
-- pretty much death
12. What do you want to be in 10 years?  
--  much more organized
13. Who did you hang out with last night? 
-- family, then bed
14. What are you not?   
-- boring, carefree, hateful
15. What's outside your window?   
-- depends on window ;)
16. One of your wish list items?    
-- probably a spanking ;) 
17. What time is it?  
-- four zero five 
18. The last thing you did? 
-- read this question ;) 
19. What are you wearing? 
-- pink tee, jeans
20. Your favorite book? 
-- too many options
21. The last thing you ate?  
-- a yummy lunch
22. Your life?  
-- not much downtime

23. Your mood?  
-- not real great.... 
24. Your car?  
-- a big SUV
25. What are you doing at this moment?   
-- taming the baby
26. Your summer? 
-- eventful, hot, pretty 
27. Travel plans?  
-- hopefully the beach
28. What is on your TV screen? 
-- the fuzzy snow... 
29. Last time you cried?  
-- unfortunately yesterday morning
30. School?  
-- pain in ass.  lol :) 


Feel free to keep this meme going.  I'm setting this to post later :) 

A big disconnect

*** long post warning. Feel free to skip it.. It's really just to try to organize my thoughts anyway =\ 

I have a feeling this post will be a big jumble of thoughts. I can't get my thoughts organized. I'm in a tunnel.. A fog. It's dark and unclear. Nothing fits together, nothing makes much sense. 

In the past three days, I think fireman and I have spoken less than 100 words. In THREE days. Even by text. Most of the conversations from the past few days fit on one or two screens.  In my last post, I wrote about how we are great at texting and talking to each other. I don't really know what happened. Or maybe I do. Deep down somewhere, maybe. But I can't figure it out. 

Thursday we took the kids on a day trip. It was fun, but even then we barely spoke in the car. The kids watched movies on the DVD player to and from.. But we mostly sat in silence. Looking back now, we didn't even hold hands, which is very odd for us. Usually his hand is on my leg or even between them.. Sometimes it's holding on to the back of my neck or just holding my hand. But this day, nothing. 

At the facility we were even disconnected. We didn't really talk or anything. He almost seemed preoccupied, looking back. I don't know. I spoke to him a few times, but he wasn't really paying attention. I tried to just let it go (big step for me, by the way). I never said anything about it or let it get to me. It was busy and we were both trying to make sure the kids were having fun, I think. 

On the way home, nothing good was on the radio, so he gave me his old iPod. I switched one song before it was over and that's where everything blew up. It sounds stupid even typing it... But that's how it happened. He completely chastised me and I was actually kind of shocked. I was just switching the song to one that was old and reminded me of one we listened to when we were first dating. I turned the song back, waited for it to be over, and just turned on the radio and tuned everything out. It was hard to hold back the tears.

No other words were exchanged that night. The next day the texts were so minimal, you wouldn't have even caught them if you weren't paying attention. Friday night we ran down to the mall, but barely talking. Definitely not speaking about anything important. When we got back home, more distance. 

All week, I have just felt alone. Monday he was late, Tuesday late, Wednesday I was late, then he changed the oil in my car. Thursday the trip, and so on. It's been so stressful with the little girl I watch. She's just not behaviorally where my kids are. I can take my kids to lunch and they're generally very good. An occasional argument about who is sitting where, but other than that good. This kid screams at the drop of a hat. She throws fits, she fights, it's exhausting. 

I haven't even gotten paid for watching her last week yet. Super fair, huh? It's a tricky situation, because we are related and I don't feel like I can get out. Plus, the money helps out sometimes... When they actually give it to me. I don't think I should have to ask for it. They don't ask for theirs from their employer. I have vented to FM about it. While I really don't know what I expect him to do... His general response is I'm sorry. I know, this all sounds so stupid. 

I think her giving me stress and anxiety all day is starting to wear on me, though. And now with the no check and no mention of one.. Is it worth it at all?  I try to stay positive. I try to think every day will be better than the last and that she will get easier as she gets bigger, but she hasn't. At all. If anything, she's gotten worse.  I just don't know. It feels like he doesn't really care, like we just need the money so I need to deal with it. I try to just deal with it, but the she does something and I want to pull my hair out. 

This weekend, he's at a fire-related class until around 5. So alone again.  He's really busy too, so even if we were communicating by text, it is virtually impossible. 

Yesterday (by text) I told him I just felt lost. Everything is weird and I just feel lost. 

*I know. 
We need to talk and I want to talk. 
Obviously I can't now, but we will have to find the time and a way to do so after I get home.*

*I don't really have anything to say.*

*Well I do. So we'll talk later.*

I fix the kids lunch, clean up the kitchen, and get #2 & #3 asleep. #1 was watching tv, so I caught up on Nashville on the iPad in our room. It was a nice escape and I was actually looking forward to talking. 

I was still laying on the bed when he came in. He was gone for what felt like forever, showering and changing clothes. I was half-asleep when he came in and laid down too.  I was patiently waiting............. When he finally said something. 

Do you love me? 

I do. 

Then can you just show me sometimes? 

Long pause. I thought he was being playful at first and starting an honest conversation. 

That's slightly offensive.

I was, once again, shocked. Seriously? If anyone knows who loves the other, he knows I do. I (expletive) tell him all the time how I can't function when he's not here. I can't. I don't do well when he's gone, I don't like to be here without him. I do every single thing I do, FOR him.  And yet, he still asks me that? Wtf? 

We don't kiss. We used to. A lot. When we were dating, 10 years ago, he used to hate when I wore lipstick. So I stopped. I still don't wear any... But we don't kiss at all. There is something wrong with that, right? 

I mean, I'm saying maybe once or twice a month we will maybe kiss. Maybe a tiny make out during sex, but no more. I'm not exaggerating,.. Or un-exaggerating. It's been this way for YEARS. 

I've been all but begging for a date night. We've still not had one since the one I posted about a while back. The one where his mom was supposed to keep the kids all night for us. I was going to give him total control over everything as soon as they left.  It never happened. It hasn't happened since then.  

I just went back and looked, that was at the beginning of March, end of February :( 

I know it's hard when you have kids to get away, but isn't that one of the most important things?  I am always the one who plans a date night. Or asks if we can do one.. or figures out something we can do.  And he asks me if I love him? 

This isn't even about the dd that has been completely absent for I don't know how long.  3 weeks? I think maybe 3 weeks.  No maintenance. No reconnection. No role-affirmation. Nothing.  I haven't said a word.  I was just waiting it out.  I had barely blogged about it until earlier this week.  I saw my blog was pulled up on his phone, but he never said anything about it.  I didn't get any feedback or comments. 

Speaking of, I'm sorry I've sucked at replying to comments too.  I'm going to work on that.. 

I slept on the couch last night.  He asked around 11:15 or so if I was ready to go to bed.  I didn't think I could go in there and lay beside him in silence.  I just shrugged and he went without me.  I turned a movie from the DVR on and did not expect him to come back in the living room.  He never does.  If we are arguing or having a problem, he can go right to sleep. It's always been that way. 

I used to wait and wait and wait for him to come console me or ask me to come to bed with him, etc.. but he never, ever did.  So, I just stopped waiting for it.  

This morning, I heard him telling the girls goodbye.  I was awake, but not up.  He never kissed me goodbye, he just left.  More tears.  More fog.  

I asked him why... he texted back that me coming to bed with him is like him kissing me goodbye in the morning.  

*You just went right to sleep.  It wouldn't have even mattered.  I was up when your tv went off. I don't know what your problem is.*

*My problem isn't necessarily you. So know that. 
It just seems like once a month or so you become almost distant.  Like mentally.  Your state of mind and mood just swings to a bad place.  A lot of times maybe it just lasts a day.  This time, it's been like over a week.  The distance from you causes a rift. And then stress and chaos at home just separates us and thing just blow up like this.

So my problem isn't you, it's me not being able to close that rift and change your state of mind before things fall apart like this.*

I haven't replied.  I don't know what to say.  I've given him all the tools to 'take care of' any mood issues.. but he doesn't utilize them.  I researched and researched this lifestyle because I knew it would help us.. and he's half-assed the effort.  One week is amazing.. then it falls apart.  

I don't know what else to do.  I swore I wouldn't take consent back, but that doesn't matter when it's not even apparent in our lives.  

Thanks for reading if you actually made it this far.  Eventually, this post might be taken down, I don't know.  It was more for me anyway.  

We love texting :)

Texting is just about the only way we can communicate on a regular basis. Once he's home from work, we are going in a million different directions, running the kids, going from place to place, fixing dinner, helping #1 with homework, etc. We rarely have moments alone. 

The kids have a soft bedtime of 8:30, no later than 9. My bedtime is 10, usually. There's not much room in there for discussions or catching up on television, or whatever ;) 

Generally getting the kids in bed is a daunting task with #2. She's up and down the stairs at least 3x a night. Drives. Us. Bonkers. We threaten, ask nicely, try anything we can to keep her in bed. But it's still hard to have much time for us when she's consistently interrupting. 

Texting works for us. He can check his phone several times throughout the day and we don't get sidetracked when the words are clearly written out. Even if its an hour in between replies.. We can stay on topic. It just works. 

It's just another way I can feel connected to him, too. He will occasionally send me little notes to let me know he's thinking of me. I think we both find it easier to discuss important, touchy subjects when we are texting. It doesn't substitute talking in real life, but sometimes any conversation is better than none. 

Yesterday we text-discussed ttwd and how it's working for us. He sent::

I've been dying to do some maintenance and really wanted to this weekend. Really and truly. I blew an opportunity yesterday (Sunday) when the kids went to ____, but you started cooking at the same time so that pretty much killed that. Idk how long it's been, but it's been too long and it needs to happen. You haven't been in trouble but I probably need to start adding more rules. Not for the purpose of increasing your odds of getting in trouble, but maybe just to help you. 
..... 
I want go ahead and plan on doing maintenance tonight. 

If we would've had this conversation in person, we would've gotten interrupted 49 times and sidetracked at least 5. Lol :) 

We have two kids that aren't feeling well, so maintenance didn't happen. He was late getting home from his fire meeting anyway, I'm sure I probably looked like a zombie when he got home. Lol. 

Maybe tonight :) 

Xo! 
Elle 

Now I'm really behind!

Happy belated Easter, blogger friends :) I hope everyone had a great weekend. 

I cannot believe how long it's been since I've been here. So much life has happened, blogging and updating wasn't really at the front, or even close to the sort-of front, lol. 

I'll have to go back and read what I even posted last time, I honestly can't even remember. I think my last post highlighted how well we'd been getting along and how we established new rules and went to the beginning.... I think. Lol. 

None of that has really changed in the last two weeks or however long it's been. We're getting along SO well. I don't think we've argued over anything at all. We haven't had much spanking though, either. And, we haven't really talked about it. 

The weekend before last was great. We had a great conversation about us, followed by a really good maintenance session. If I remember correctly, he only used the new hairbrush I bought. However, since then the only action the hairbrush has seen is the actual use for a hairbrush, lol. 

I remember going to bed with a warm behind after some more us time ;) it was a perfect Saturday. Now it's a little fuzzy and I'm not sure if that was actually a Saturday. I think it was, because I was going to post about a "spankful Saturday"... 

Then, enter life. Apparently life thought we weren't busy enough. I
Enter different activities for our girls, tons of stuff fireman had to do, laundry that piled up (and I mean PILED up since I was out of detergent and couldn't get time to stop and get some for like 2 days..), and a few different rounds of sickness for the kids. 

#3 has a surgery scheduled to have his tonsils removed. He's so little, but his tonsils are bad! Initially, they wanted to wait until he was older, but now it's becoming a big problem. I'm extremely worried, but I know it's what he needs. Some days he has a hard time eating and he gets choked quite easily. I'll keep you posted, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers in the next few weeks. His surgery is later this month. (Speaking of, can you believe it's April?!)

With all the sickness came a fever for our #2. Fevers do weird things to her and she's been known to have a seizure. Typically, she has the ones you think of when you hear the word 'seizure'. This time it was the blank, stare-off, vacant, roll-her-eyes-back, lets freak mom out completely seizure. I could not get her to snap out of it. Luckily we were near my mom, so I scooped her up and ran over to my mom and she came back to us. Terrifying. 

Turns out she had around a 100 degree fever. Not very high, but high enough, I guess. Her doctor ordered an EEG, some took her to get that done and she did so well. I couldn't have wanted her to do any better than she did. 

A few days later (which was only a couple days ago), we heard back that she had zero abnormalities show up. Yay!! We are extremely thankful that there's nothing wrong with her brain. Her doctor wants us to let him know it she has any more episodes, but hopefully she won't. We have to keep a close very close eye on her fevers, but other than that she is great. 

With all of that occurring, I am so very behind on reading. I'm sorry, I'm a terrible blogger friend, lol :) I will try to get all caught up this week. I hope I haven't missed anything big! 

I need to initiate a convo with fireman to check base and see where we are.  He has had an HoH tone or look a few times over these past few days, but no maintenance, no punishment. Not much of anything really. Just cruising along, but in a good way. :) 

Have a great Monday! 
Xo, 
Elle