Wow!

I had no idea it has been all summer since I've visited blogger! 

I have popped in a time or two to read, quickly, but I don't think I've commented or anything in quite some time. I thought that I had posted sometime over the summer, but apparently it's been since May! Time really does fly, doesn't it? 

As always, we are busy. All 3 kids are at school for the majority of the week. My little preschooler doesn't go every single day, so we still get to spend some one-on-one time together. It's great.  I'm not one of those moms who relishes when school season begins again. I dread it. I dread it with everything in me. It's nice to have a few minutes to myself to watch something *I* want to watch- which almost never happens, lol. But, after a few minutes, that gets boring and it's too quiet here.  

Even now, all I hear is the clicking of the keys. Booooorrrriiinnnggggggg.  

I can't wait for the day when Fireman can make impromptu trips home for lunch. We will be living a little closer to his work, so maybe we can work that out. Nothing like a house to yourselves during the day ;) 

Please, please, please update me about all of you in my comments. I'll try to go back and read some today too, so I can try to catch up, but I'm afraid I will miss something.  Please let me know how you've all been doing!! 

To update on Fireman and myself.. we are doing well.  Nothing extraordinary.. except some extraordinary sex here and there.  I don't know how, but almost every time is better than the time before. I know some of you will know exactly what I mean. -- At least I hope you're all having that mind-blowing kind that we have ;) 

There is no ttwd, though.  And that kind of sucks.  Not kind of.  It does suck.  We've talked several times since the beginning of the year about bringing it back.... but we are so damn flaky that it never happens.  We are working on not being flaky though.  We have had a couple volunteer-ish opportunities that have bounced into our lives and reluctantly we took them, lol.  I think I have more than FM, but he has in at least one account that I can think of at the moment.  

I have really stepped it up into volunteering at the kids' schools.  That includes meeting new people.. which blech, I hate, but I'm doing it anyway.  Where did I leave my comfort zone, anyway? 

Lately, I've been craving some submissiveness, but we've been so busy, by 10pm, I'm almost completely worthless.  We had a dry spell a few weeks ago... that lasted WAY longer than it should've.  We did make up for it though with a 3-days-in-a-row thing happening, but that was a few days ago.  

I don't want to ask him to be dominant.  I think that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? I've written several times about that.. so I don't really need to go into it in depth.  I wish he would be though. Maybe I'll subtly initiate a convo about it in the near future. We all know we text better than talking, lol.  

How do you hang on to it? That's the million dollar question.  We can grasp it for a little bit.. but then the flakiness comes back.  

I hope everyone is great!!!!! And I hope to try to get back here more than twice a year, lol. =) 

xoxo,
elle

It's been a really long time..

I have no idea what was going on when I posted last. I'm pretty sure I didn't have any idea that it would be this long until I came back. It's weird how things happen like that, isn't it? 

I have no idea of what's going on on blogland. Who's 'in' or Who's 'out', lol. I haven't hit any message boards or read much at all.  I did see the big 25 anniversary for Blondie! That's fantastic!!!! 

To catch you up to where we are, I can do it in one word: busy.  


We are so unbelievably busy. Is it with anything of mine? Nope.  I do have a workout schedule, but it's hasn't been used in more than 3 weeks.  So, so busy.  But, we're still making time for each other at the end of the day.  I think that's how we are surviving it.  Any other time when we've been this crazed, we've been fighting or aggravated with one another.  Not this time.  

 I know. Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. Super true. We use that time from 9pm- to whenever we (or he.. because once we start, I get sucked in and could stay up all night..) decide it's too late and have to stop netflixing Dexter, lol.  That's what we are currently obsessed with right now. We did Breaking Bad last summer. We haven't started Orange yet, but intend to at some point. We just started season 5 recently, so no spoilers, lol! 


So, there we sit on our couch with our dogs all huddled up near us, usually. Hand in hand as Dexter chops someone else up. Super romantic, right? =P But it works for us. It's time spent together. Sometimes I can't watch, but that's what FM is there for, right? He tells me when it's safe to remove his hand from my eyes. 

We are in a good place. We weren't a couple weeks ago.  I was irrationally mad & I was completely aware that it was irrational. Unlike lots of other times though, I wasn't worried.  I knew he wasn't going anywhere. I knew I wasn't going anywhere and that it would blow over eventually.  I'm not saying I didn't hold the grudge for longer than I should've or that ttwd went well during that time, but I didn't have the 'one of us is going to bail' mentality that sometimes creeps in.  

We aren't in full-blown ttwd, but he did smack my behind- hard- the other day when he came up from looking at the dryer and found somewhere between a couple and a million dryer sheets not in the garbage can. LOL. It's his biggest pet peeve and I didn't even realize I was doing it.... again. 
I said: owww, that was hard.
FM: It was supposed to be. 
Ah, point taken.  

We just celebrated an anniversary also, 9 years. Crazy that more than a third of my life has been spent with this man. :) 

Hope you've all been doing well. Please feel free to catch me up!!!! 
xo, 
Elle

I don't like asking for it....

Whatever you want to call it, role-affirmation, maintenance, an attitude adjustment or just keeping the spankee in line, not a punishment spanking.... Maybe it's that explicit spanking that leads to some super hot sex afterward or maybe it's just that 'I'm in charge and you need to remember it' spanking.  Whatever you want to call it, I don't like asking for it. 

Requesting might be the more appropriate term. Asking for it seems like a phrase for bratting to get some attention. So, I don't like requesting it. 

We have had agreements in our past editions of ttwd that I will ask for it when I need or want it, then he would take care of it. He can't read my mind, he wants to know when I feel that way. It's important that I communicate my needs/wants just as it is important for him to communicate that as well. We're not great at the communication. As you may remember from earlier blog posts, we text great. We can talk all day via text. We chat about everything, about nothing, important to unimportant. But face to face, we're not so great at. 

Here's the thing though... it usually doesn't happen when I make the request. That's not really a great feeling to have, to have opened up about it and then not having it. It's hard to muster up the courage to send the text about it, then awaiting the response. Sometimes it's yes okay.. or sometimes it's maybe we'll see.. or sometimes it's I don't know.  

In his defense, it is always open for discussion and he does still say he wants to know. But I have since refused to ask, after it once again not happening. It seems that I need that connected feeling more often than he does and it seems to fade a little more quickly for me than it does for him. I crave that feeling often. 

I crave the dominant side of him so often.  He has a look that he gets when he's in that mode and it makes him even hotter than he already is. His tone of voice and mannerisms change a little. It all adds up to a very excited Elle. =) 


More than anything though, I just want to be in our little bubble. I want to know that we are good. That he is handling everything and that I'm doing what I need to do. And of course, that I'm his and that's who I belong to.  

I wish we could stay in our bubble full time! 

I might just need to realize it's at his discretion whether it happens or not. Maybe that needs to be part of it. That might be a hard little pill to swallow though, but maybe that's part of the reason why this went wrong in the times before. I don't know that I can continue to relay that I want a session and it not be taken for exactly what I'm asking for. 

Not us, lol

Anyone have thoughts or insight? You know I always welcome all comments! :) 
Hope you all have a great Halloween!!!! 

 Xo, 
Elle

Ladies & gentlemen... He is back :)

We had a jam-packed, slammed busy weekend. Well, Friday and Saturday at least. Sunday was fantastic. We attended church, a yummy breakfast, then sat on our couch and watched our football team WIN! LOL, we watched a really good movie and ended our Sunday like we usually do.... Walking Dead. 

I wasn't that impressed with last night's episode, but I'm a Daryl fan. So when Daryl is absent from the episode, it's not as good for me, lol. I did like that some of the events that occurred (no spoilers for any of you who haven't seen it yet!), but I want to know what happens next. I'm so impatient! 
Just to be fair, I am a fan of Lauren Cohan too, lol. FM & I agree this picture is hottt.  

Last week was a game-changer for us. My post made me realize just how much I missed ttwd. I texted FM. We talked.. and talked. We talked about the bad habit of his and how I want him to stop. He is working on it, but it's not gone as I wish it was. He says I don't understand addiction. I guess I don't. My feeling is just stop. Sure it will suck, but not forever and you'll be rid of the habit. We agree to disagree and I let it go. I really did. He doesn't do it around me and I really am trusting that he truly is trying to quit. 

I asked him at what extent he wants ttwd back.  All of it, but he realizes that's not what I want. Wrong, that is what I want, it's just the bad habit. He says he will take whatever he can get. Halfway, all of it, anything. He just wants it back. I compromise or give in.. or both. We can do whatever you want, with the promise that you really will continue to work on quitting.  

So ttwd is back... or we will see. We are trying it out, no major rules no giant leap in. We are just going with it. I think we aren't stressing out about it or trying to make it something it's not. 

Monday night we had a really good session. The following morning I asked him for feedback, something I always did when we were ttwd'ing before. It was exactly what I needed.  Me too FM, me too. 

So the rest of the week goes along smoothly, no problems. No sessions, even though I would've loved one (or 6, lol) more in there. We are already noticeably closer. It's that gravitational pull. It's back.  Fireworks. Only you guys know that feeling. You can't explain it to anyone else, not that I would ever try. 

The week kind of flew by. We had so much going on and Halloween activities this weekend. Saturday was nothing but me in the car. A little bit of spending time with the kids mixed in, but not much. 

Cue the blue flashing lights behind me while I was driving at one point. While I'm on the phone with FM. Expletive. Seriously, expletive lol.  That's not what I got pulled over for though, that's not illegal in the state I was in. At least not yet. Speeding. Something FM is always telling me to be cautious of. Can't help it! I have places to go and people to see! 

Luckily, I am an excellent driver :insert me with a sweet smile: and I have no tickets, no anything on my record. The police officer lets me go with just a warning, PtL! I do not have time for a ticket, nor any extra money I want to put toward paying a ticket with the holidays coming up! 

I call FM back to let him know what happened. That's fantastic that they didn't give you a ticket, love. You're still in trouble. 

All-caps expletive. Oh, that's right. We are back with ttwd in full-force.  I begin to explain my case. Yeah, I don't really want to hear it. It's a nice try. You're still in trouble. 

At this point, I'm just glad I made it through that day. So many stressful things leading up to the events that were taking place that day and I really did manage through them effortlessly. Except the damn cop that happened to pass me while I was coming-down-a-hill-while-driving-slightly-faster-than-I-should've-been <-- that's for FM, lol. :) 

Honestly, at this point I'm wondering if he'll actually hold up his end. His track record is not the best with consistency and punishment. Especially with punishment.  I didn't say much about it after I got home and we all had dinner. I think we may have watched some tv together with the kids before they ended up falling asleep watching a rented movie. I got a shower and he sent me to our room. 

I was pleasantly surprised with how he handled it. He started out with no warm-up.. ouch, but I did understand.  I protested about it, but he quickly reminded me that I was in trouble.  He lectured a little (which is more than he would've done in the past!!) and place his hand a little more forceful than he would've in the past too. (A little? A lot. but it was kind of hot along with getting his point across.)  He did take it easy and ended a lot sooner than I had anticipated, but I think he's still figuring things out for himself too.  

I do always try to be honest and give him any feedback he wants. I think we have this under our belts and we know how we messed up in the past. I really do think he's trying this time and not just doing it for me or because he thinks I want to. Not that I really think that's what was happening before, but I was afraid that's how it was.  

So, we will see how this goes. I'm not stressing out about it like I have in the past. I'm not asking for a specific list of rules, I think obviously I know the difference between right and wrong and I know mostly what he likes and doesn't. I think that will make a big difference too. 

Hope you all had a great weekend! 
xo, 
Elle

Trust & Two years ago :)

It's been so long since I checked blogger and caught up with everyone's posts.  It's been so hard to carve out time to find to just read and catch up. I have missed everyone and I know I've missed a lot of posts. I hope you all are doing well.  :) 

Yesterday I checked my little TimeHop app- which by the way I love. I wish I would've downloaded it sooner than I did. I didn't realize how neat it was too see what you posted on Facebook years ago. I haven't been on instagram long, but that's fun to see too.  Anyway, I saw a post that reminded me of what we had done two years ago.. when I found the courage to bring up ttwd and probably saving our marriage forever. 

We've had bumps with it. We're not even practicing right now.. I do wish we were, but he knows the terms.  It's just up to him to fix himself so that we can move on. I can't do a ttwd lifestyle when he's still doing the one thing that I cannot handle. How would that ever work? But.. this post isn't about that. 

I  just can't believe it was two years ago.  

So much has changed since then, so much has been fixed, so much of the way I used to react and things I'd say.  I don't always still act like we are in a ttwd relationship, since we aren't, but I still see his looks. He may not mean to give them, but he does, lol.  

Even yesterday at breakfast.. I can't remember what I said, but he had a little threatening comment.  I politely reminded him that he couldn't do anything about it.. and he reminded me that the leather around his waist said he would, lol.  

I did try to initiate a conversation about when we are going to start it up again, but no dice. He just isn't really into talking about it and the bustle of breakfast didn't really allow for a convo about it. We had family stuff to do yesterday, then we came home to watch football and I fell asleep on him.  What can I say? He is a comfy place for me to fall asleep.  

I texted him a bit ago to let him know I did want to talk about it. He said okay and he'd let me know when he had a few minutes. I hate Mondays. It's still our busiest day of the week and he's not home until late. Coming off of Sunday when I usually get to spend all day when him, Monday is hard.  

Recently though, I realized that I really do trust this man with everything. Every thing I have, am, will be. I trust him.  I think that at the beginning of ttwd, I didn't. I know that I didn't at the beginning of our marriage either. I just didn't get it.  Maybe I was too young to realize or maybe it just takes time, I don't know. Or maybe ttwd helped with that. 

All I know is, I'm mad at him one minute.. and what would have drawn out into a three day argument before only lasts about 5 minutes now. I am more patient and more thoughtful about things. 

I want ttwd back, for the dynamic, for the feeling you get, for the hot sex, lol. I want it backkkkk. :) 

Other than that, things are fantastic around here. Just busy, like usual. We've added in a few more activities for the kids, so even busier than usual, but I wouldn't change it. I love this time of year, I love the cool weather and the leaves. I love Halloween and all of the fun decorations. I'm even one of those weird people that love the snow. I love all of it. :) 

Can't wait to catch up with everyone to see how it's going with everyone else. :) 
xo, 
Elle

60q :)

We all know I'm addicted to quizzes and memes :) Saw this one on Dana's, had to borrow it :) 


1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? 
Yep :) 
2. Opinions on sex before marriage? 
I don't think it's realistic to wait. 
3. Is trust a big issue for you?
I think maybe. I try not to think that everyone has a hidden agenda, but unfortunately sometimes they do :( 
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
lol, I have. 
6. What happened last night? 
went to the gym :) 7. Ever have plastic surgery? 
I haven't. I don't know if I'd want to go under the knife voluntarily or not.. 8. Which are better - black or green olives? 
Ew. Neither! 9. What is the last beverage you had? 
Iced Coffee :) It's sitting right beside me right now. 10. Ever won a contest?
 Yes :) A few. 
11. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? 
I do! I wouldn't have been very comfortable in them last year at this time, but they work now :) 
12. What are you gonna do Saturday night? 
Haven't planned it yet. I like to go out, but I love staying in too.13. What are you going to spend money on next? 
I have to go to the store :( Yuck! 14. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
I hope so. I have big goals :) 15. Can you swim well? 
Not like an olympian, but I won't drown, lol
16. Have you had sex today? 
Not yet.. If I wouldn't have slept through my alarms though, I might have tried :) 
17. Regularly burn incense? 
Never have..
18. Are you in a good mood? 
Not particularly, but I am having some very rare alone time :) 19. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
I want to say yes, but when it comes down to it, I don't think I could scuba dive!! I have claustrophobic issues, lol. 20. What do you want right this second? 
World peace. For real. I know that's the beauty queen answer (which goes back to the contest thing, lol!) but everything in the news is so disturbing. 

21. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? 
I've been this color for so long I don't know what my actual color is, hahaha :) 
22. Hot tea or cold tea? 
I drink tea almost everyday, but I love hot tea in the winter! :)
23. Tea or coffee?
both! 
24. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? 
Yes. I actually miss my hubby.  Mondays are hard, we barely see each other and I was already mostly asleep when he got home last night. Hopefully we get some time together tonight. :)
25. Does everyone deserve a second chance? 
No. Some things are unforgivable. 
26. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? 
 I should hope so.  
27. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?  
Yes. I very rarely drink it.  
28. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? 
I kissed the girls goodbye before school. 
29. Who did you last call? 
I actually had to look.. it's my grandmother :) I called her yesterday morning. 
30. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?  
To tell them goodbye.
 
31. Who would you like to see in concert? 
That's a good question! I've been to lots of concerts, we love music. Someone I haven't seen..... Justin Timberlake. Haven't seen him.  (That took a lot of thinking!)
32. What was the last concert you saw? 
I can't put the actual last one I saw for fear of exposure, lol, but the one before that.... oh, I can't write that one either.  Let's just say an alternative band :)  
33. Do you tan in the nude? 
No.. 
34. Are you patient? 
Sometimes. Depends on the situation. 
35. Who was the last person to call you? 
My daughter's old school. 

36. Do you sing in the shower? 

Only if there is music playing.  
37. Ever used a bow and arrow? 
No. 
38. Do you think musicals are cheesy? 
They can be. 
39. Is Christmas stressful? 
Not at all. I love every bit of it. I love the shopping, I love the gifts, the parties, the celebration. I love teaching my kids what it's really about.  I love Christmas!  
40. Ever eat a pierogi? 
I don't think so... 

41. Favorite type of fruit pie? 
Apple  
42. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? 
 Veterinarian, teacher, model, superstar, lol :) 
43. Do you believe in ghosts? 
Yes.  
44. Ever been in love? 
Yep 
45. Take a vitamin daily? 
I'm supposed to.. but I am not good at taking pills everyday! 
46. Wear slippers? 
Not usually. 
47. Wear a bath robe? 
Sometimes when I'm getting ready. 
48. What do you wear to bed? D
Sometimes nothing, sometimes a tank and panties, sometimes FM's t-shirt.. just depends.  
49. First concert? 
A country guy with a mullet, lol. Or technically sesame street. 
50. Walmart, Target or Kmart? 
I love Target, even though I generally spend too much. Walmart is closer, but I prefer a local supermarket. 
51. Nike or Adidas? 
Nike
52. Cheetos or Fritos? 
Neither. I hate cheetos and I'm not really a frito person either... 

53. Peanuts or sunflower seeds?

I like both :)
54. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? 
Yes.  
55. What is your favorite book? 
Probably anything by Nicholas Sparks. Or Heaven is For Real- it's very powerful :)  
56. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? 
Fireman, or my best friend. I could probably even tell her about ttwd, but I don't want to get into it. lol.  
57. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 
Probably last Christmas for a party photo. 

58. Ever have a deja-vu feeling?

Yes, actually just last weekend. 

59. Listening to? 
Myself type.. the dvd just finished a show, so it paused itself. 
60. Favorite cookie? 
I love all cookies..  

An agreement :)

First, thank you all for your kind words and advice. I really appreciated it.. most of it, lol :) No, just kidding.  I really did appreciate all of it.  Even the one that I didn't appreciate got some dialogue rolling between FM and I.. and even though it wasn't accurate, I did appreciate it.  

We are on the way up.  We talked.  I think it took at least a week.  We tried getting back to normal after the initial talk we had.  But it was the usual us. Nothing resolved, nothing really hashed out.  Just hurt feelings and some conversation that touched the surface of things that had been going on.  It was classic us. 

Until the following Monday.  I was stressed and anxious with him being away from me.  Mondays are always hard for us because we've had the weekend together, then we are apart for the entire day.  From morning shower to bedtime, apart.  

I didn't really ask him to quit the habit in our earlier conversations.  So when Monday rolled around and I knew what he was doing at work, it just brought everything back to the surface for me, along with everything that had been said.  It was just too much and another very large fight erupted.  

I wanted to text him.  I wanted to just have the old FM back, but we couldn't go back.  There was no back because what I'd thought was clouded now, you know? It was a mess.  

Then somehow we started discussing things.  Everything.  Things from the beginning, things from the middle, things from the present.  We talked A LOT.  Mostly over text, but it just kept going.  We text-talk well, lol.  

Then we got a date night last weekend and got reconnected.  We made a few deals and it wasn't my plan to get the discussion of bringing ttwd back, but it happened.  I texted without really thinking that I wished we could bring ttwd back in our lives.  He replied he was already there.  

But, I said there was no way I could do it with him still doing the thing I had a huge problem with, that he had been hiding from me for so long.  It would never work.  He just replied that he understood. 

Then on our date, actually I think it was before, we came to an agreement.  We had a fun spanking session before we left.. it was a deal we had made lol.  During the day he commented about something, but when I wanted a more in-depth description, he didn't really want to talk about it.  So I said I'd be up for a session before we went to dinner if he told me.  It worked ;) And it was really hot to have it before we left.  It got the date started off the best way possible.  I missed that connection so much that I made him another deal.  We will get back to ttwd if he quits.  Really quits for good.  Deal, he said.  Hopefully that's incentive enough for him to kick the habit.  

We are doing well now, really well.  It's a little touchy from time to time, just because wounds are still a little fresh, but we are okay.  :) 

XO, 
Elle