Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Just when I think we're good..

First of all, I apologize in advance at this post.  I wish I had better news to report, but I don't. We really suck at ttwd, really, and it's even worse than I thought.  

We were just talking about really getting it started again. That's what I wanted. I wanted it back 100% and I was getting the feeling that maybe he did too. We talked about it for a while, chatted a little back and forth via text while he was at work.  Texting has always been our best form of communication.  Our evenings are so busy and even though he's really busy at work, he can usually send me a text back and forth throughout the day and we can't lose track of what we're talking about when it's on the screen. 

The other night we actually had a nice session, too.  I could've .. or maybe should've told him to go a little more. I was actually craving his hand, but he just used the hairbrush.  It was really, really good for both of us.  While he still didn't say much, it felt good to be in that position again.  *really good*

Then comes yesterday.  

And my whole world is completely fucked upside down.  I've seen your posts on 'what do you do when he messes up' and the like, but I honestly never read them.  I'm always quite limited on time when I get on blogger, especially with the last few months, and I have no advice on that situation, so I didn't read them.  Stupid me.  

Of course our relationship isn't perfect.  But we were to such a good place.  We've barely bickered over the past few months.  We've done extremely well overall since we began ttwd.  I know I've mentioned we were on the verge of divorce in the past.  It was probably more than just on the verge.  Short of seeing a lawyer, it was over.  It was not good, it was worse than bad.  I've always equated ttwd to saving us.  

It took a lot, as I think it does for most women who choose to live this lifestyle.  You give up a lot.  I was probably not as good as it as I wanted to be, but that's neither here nor there.  I brought it to the table.  I wanted to save us.  I did the love dare.  All of it.  I all but begged him to renew vows with me, but he didn't get it.  

I have one very large regret.  It happened about 4 years ago. Most people always say they have no regrets because they wouldn't be where they are today without it.  That's probably true for us too and I wouldn't change what we have at all, but this regret is just so major it's even hard to type right now.  I hate that I had it happen.  I will slip to an panic attack quite easily over it and that's not something I've told anyone.  Not even FM, I just try to get through it, push it down, and move on.  

FM has proceeded with forgiveness, which I will admit I'm not even sure I could've done if the situation would have been in reverse.  Nothing anyone can say can make me feel worse about what happened.  Nothing.  I have the deepest level of pain and regret, it's a torment I would never wish on anyone.  But I go on.  I focus on us and where we are now.. or where we were to get past it.  I remember that he loves me, that he forgives me, and that I am fine.  I repeat it to myself when the panic comes.  It's ... Anyway.  

Yesterday.  He has an item that he loves, of course fire related, and he's been using it since he got it.  Loves it.  Unfortunately it was ruined yesterday and they're not easily found in our area.  I immediately got on my phone and found it on amazon and another fire site.  I figured out which shipping was cheaper and went to pay for it.  I needed his card out of his wallet, mine isn't working for shipping things for some reason, I tried to be secretive and just pay for it.  Couldn't find his wallet.. went to his car, looked in his bag, and found chewing tobacco.  

Maybe it's not that big of a deal and maybe some of your husbands do it.  I can't stand it.  It makes me so disgusted and we had an argument about it before.  Unfortunately it was during the bad point in our relationship.  However, he promised to not do that anymore.  When we met, he was a smoker.  I thought that I had asked him to quit as a wedding present to me, but he says it was before #1 was born.  Either way, it's been 8 years or 9 years ago, but he did quit.  He just smokes occasionally, which is really fine with me.  

I have issues when people are addicted to things.  I just can't make my brain understand it.  I'm sure he probably is addicted, but that just makes it worse.  I can't understand why you would ever start using chewing tobacco and the spitting and carrying a cup around, ew.  I can't think of many things that are more disgusting than that.  

I know it sounds stupid.  I realize it will probably seem like a non-issue. But he promised.  I confront him about it and my hands are shaking I'm so upset about it.  Then I realize, what if he's been doing it since he promised me he wouldn't? 

He has.  For almost 4 years.  FOUR YEARS he's been hiding this from me.  

We never really kiss.  When we were dating, that's all we'd do.  Then it stopped.  We never make out, we rarely kiss.  I mean we can go weeks.  We will have sex with no kissing.  Happens all the time.  

Now I wonder if it's because he was using that disgusting stuff.  He says I made no effort to kiss him, but I don't think that's true.  I feel like he has chosen that over me.  

So i'm already distraught over this.  I'm disgusted from him even doing, hurt that it's been going on for as long as it has.  I told him I'm not okay with it, if he gets sick from it I'm leaving. That's something you bring on yourself. We argue a little.... and he throws the grenade.  At least I'm not hiding things like you were.. and says a few other things referring to the regret I have.  

It felt like an arrow shot straight through me.  I was paralyzed and panic set it.  I can't even explain.  I just stood there.  Feel better? I asked... he didn't respond.  
We didn't speak the rest of the evening.. until I brought him pillows to sleep on the couch.  I couldn't sleep in the bed with him.  He called me a name as I shut the door. 

I opened it back and we argued more.  He said more mean things about what happened a long time ago and I was stunned.  He even said things that I've never said happened.  I started to respond and he walked out of the room.  That hurt even more.  

I wanted to tell him there's no way possible to make me feel worse than I do, but I couldn't.  I told him to go to the bed. I couldn't sleep anyway, but he refused.  He laid on the couch and I walked to the bedroom with tears just streaming and he said nothing.  I shut the door and couldn't breathe.  I don't even know how loud I was trying to get air in my lungs, I kept thinking he might come, but deep down I knew he wouldn't.  He never does.  He never chases, never comes after me when we have a big argument.  It's been a very long time, but he never has in all of our years.  

I finally got into our bed and I don't know if I passed out or fell asleep, but I woke up around 3 and fell back asleep.  I slept through my gym alarm and woke up around 8:30.  

I texted him everything I'd wanted to say. I told him I didn't want to start a conversation, but I just had some things I wanted to say.  He did respond and apologized, but said that he thought I was blowing things out of proportion.  A while later I explained, but he just said he was busy and hasn't been able to respond yet.  

I don't know what time he will be home.  I don't know how this evening will go.  I just know that a lot of issues have been brought to the surface and won't easily be forgotten.  I know I have a lot of issues with the beginning of our marriage, then the regrets, and now this.  He has issues, obviously, but I don't know.  

I don't know how to end this either.. If you've stuck with it, thanks.  Feel free to comment anything.  Even if you think it's all stupid, lol, I'm fine with it.  I know it sounds stupid, but it's just not to me.  =/