Thursday, May 30, 2013

Put that in your blog and smoke it.

Lol, that's what he said to me last night after maintenance. Maintenance that HE initiated!!!! Yay!!! I was definitely needing it, he read me like a book.

The week had gone pretty well. Me texting him last week and asking for it went very well. He followed through that evening as promised. The only thing that I could complain about... He waited until last night to follow-up with more.

Apparently I'm needy and feel like I need maintenance or reaffirmation, whatever you want to call it way more often that most people. (Or so I would assume). I'm not quite sure he picks up on it as much as I feel it, but he really is trying.

I don't think I need it every single day. I don't think that's the case at all. Maybe every other. Or every every other, lol. I think my brain starts to go bananas an think that he doesn't care and that I'm not a priority when he doesn't. Which is absolutely ridiculous, I'm completely aware. Still I feel it.

We are on a mini-vacation right now with our kids and some other family members. So, last night, I got a shower (alone: sad face) and we talked for a minute before I said I was heading to bed. He followed me, but just went about tucking me in. We weren't on super-great terms. It had been a long day and I was aggravated over things that really didn't matter.

He pulled the sheet up and I just kind of stared at him. I honestly think (know?) he was trying to figure out whether or not to attempt a spanking. He stood there for a minute before finally picking up the hairbrush. He tapped it against his palm and said I want to use this tonight. I'm really tired and it's really late. Yeah, I know. But we won't have the opportunity over the next few days. I won't drag it out and I think we need it. We are going to leave this house in a good place.

I wrote that two days ago. I didn't get to finish it after getting the kids in bed and ending up sleeping in a kid-sized bed with little man, lol.  I'm not even sure where I was going with this post... But I'm going to go ahead and publish it. 

We did have a really great mini-vacation. There was no fighting or being aggravated like there generally is. I think our first trip away practicing ttwd was a success :) 


Monday, May 20, 2013

Asking for it...

I swear, I have set out to write this post 4 times. I just can't get enough time to myself to get my thoughts written down in a readable way. I get sidetracked... Unfortunately not with laundry, lol.  It has seemed to pile up in mountainous form.  

We've been slightly disconnected again. It takes a while to figure all this out, I guess. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but it's true. If there's one thing I could say to new, beginning ttwd/dd couples: It would be it takes a while to figure it out!  It truly is wonderful and magical, but there are bumps and twists. It's not as easy as other couples (bloggers!!) make it look. But, like my favorite saying.... It's worth it. 

We have always had rules, they just haven't really been enforced. He doesn't want to seem like a hard-ass, but I see it as uninterested. He has a laid back outlook on things. He's not tightly wound like me and generally not stressed. The combination of all those little details can make a storm in my brain. 

Sometimes he says something gives direction and it's entirely serious to him. To me, it's more half-hearted and just said in more of a joking-around manner. The other night, I didn't set out to test the limits on this, but it ended up that way. I wasn't quite sure exactly how far he'd let it go... The answer was a surprising one that left us in a bit of turmoil. I ended up stomping off going to bed alone, while he stewed on the couch. 

The next day, all was better after we talked via text during the day. We came up with an idea, because I had honestly thought he was just teasing around. A "safe word" approach when I'm not taking him seriously. It's easy, it can be used in public or private. Great idea, right? Except we didn't implement it immediately

I swear we are like a book on what not to do sometimes, lol. Turns out, wayyyyy too much time had gone by since we had maintenance. I felt completely ignored, he just thought I was being difficult. I went back to feeling unimportant and thinking he wasn't into it. 

One thing we get right eventually? Talking. Sooner or later one of us can't stand it and initiates a conversation. For the majority of the time, I think he waits for me. If he lets me text first, he knows I'm ready. Otherwise, he thinks he runs the risk of being shot down. He's never actually said this, I'm just assuming :) 

Last night, we really talked. We defined a safe word. We talked about me using it when I felt like I needed maintenance. He's always said I should just tell him when I felt like I need it, but I can't get there. I cannot make myself say (or even text!!) the words. I think about it. I envision it, but I just can't do it. Have any of you ever asked for it? Does it feel weird? It just makes me feel like I'm trying to control the situation and that's not what I want. 

I didn't want to wait until the time before bed when maintenance occurs to find out if he was going to do it tonight though. I contemplated sending the text. One simple word was all it needed to say. But could I actually send it? 

Turns out I could. I'll let you know how it goes ;) 


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Fireman & Elle play "The NewlyRed Game" :)

Fireman & I are going to play, too! We used to watch "The Newlywed Game" on the game show network and play.  He wasn't really a fan, but he did it for me, lol :) 

Answer the questions in your category first ( ie wife answer questions under wife)
Don't share your answers with your spouse.  Next answer the questions in your spouse's category, BUT answer how you THINK he/she will answer.
Have your spouse repeat the process, with no interference from you! Make sure they know to answer your category questions as he/she would think YOU would answer the questions!

Questions for the Wife:
*What would your husband say was the last thing you did, that made him give you "the look"?*
My answer: letting the gas be too low in my car... It gets "the look" every time :)
Fireman: the last thing I can think of was when you were resistant to counting. I don't remember giving you "the look" since then.  
Me: I didn't see that look. I said gas being too low. 
Fireman: lol. I know I gave you a look for that too. I just can't remember if that was before or after my answer. 

*What part of his body does your husband discuss the most?*
My answer: this one is hard! Maybe his business.. Just b/c of sexy-time ;) he doesn't talk about that, usually. 
Fireman: My stomach? I really don't talk about my cash & prizes very much.

*If I could burn one ( non implement ) possession of my husbands and get off scott-free it would be?*
My answer: old t-shirts that need to go, lol 
Fireman: my magazines? Lol
Me: ha! Yes, I change my answer. Lol :) 
Fireman: yea, that would've been my next guess. 
 *What shape would shape would your HoH say your backside is? 1) an apple 2) a pear 3) a pancake 4) never noticed...too distracted*
My answer: Apple. Am I the only one who thinks these are weird options? Lol
Fireman: Apple? 

*Nothing makes me sassier than ( blank).*
 My answer: when am I not sassy? Okay.... Being somewhere I don't want to be? 
 Fireman: when you're resistant. 

*True or False, if my family knew we were in a Dd relationship they would  A) be mortified B) be intrigued and ask questions C) High five my HoH, and tell him/her it was about time!*
My answer: depends on who it is. A, B, & C. Lol. Wait, why does that say true or false, when it's actually multiple choice? 
Fireman: A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     then MAYBE B after a few months. 

*When my husband does (blank) I wish I could spank my mother in law!*
My answer: 5 years ago, I would've had something to put.. Or maybe a few something's, lol. But now.... I don't know!  Leaving plates on the counter? I've got nothing... 
Fireman: OMG (that really was his first response lol
 -- Gets sympathy when I complain about being tired? 
Me: I understand what you mean.. but that's not exactly what drives me nuts, lol. (btw, his response makes me sound awful!! to explain, that happened several times after the kids were born.  really? who was tired.. me or him? that was my problem with those kinds of situations.. ) 

*When making whoopee, my husband's theme song should be A) I Will Survive B) Dancing with Myself C) Wake Me Up Before You Go Go D) Shook Me All Night Long*

My answer
: D. Hands down ;) 

Fireman: Oh Good Lord.  None of the Above.  D, I suppose. 

Me: lol.  

*If (blank) was an Olympic sport, my husband would take the gold.*

My answer: Firefighting. :) 
Fireman: Um... being sexy.  LOL!

Me: oh, sure :) that too ;) 

*Two words that best describe my husband are _______ and _________.*
My answer: Just two??? Alright... loving and hotttttt :)  
Fireman: smart and loving

 Questions for the Husbands:

*What should your wife's theme song be?*
My answer: This is hard, too. I'll go with Shinedown, "I'll Follow You" :)

Fireman:  Sex on Fire
Me: Oh sweet Jesus
Fireman: just kidding, hang on.
   Somewhere with you - Kenny Chesney

*Finish this sentence, even before ttwd I wanted to spank my wife when she did (blank)*
My answer: Got a little mouthy? 
Fireman: Ran her mouth

*Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought (blank) would be something I'd spank with*
My answer: guitar strap thingy.. 
Fireman: Guitar strap.  LOL. 

*My wife is so adorable when she (blanks)*
My answer: plays with the kids? 
Fireman: begs for something
Me: Are you being dirty? lol
Fireman: lol, no. 

*If my wife never makes (blank) again for dinner, it would be too soon.*
My answer: I don't think I've made something we didn't like... I seriously messed up fajitas the first time I tried them, but I've since perfected it, lol.  
Fireman: Macaroni and Tomatoes. Btw, that's the ONLY thing you make that I don't like.. even though you don't make it for me. 
Me: that's what I was just going to reply.  I don't make that for you :) 

*Pick a bird to represent your wife.  What type of bird do you see yourself as?*
My answer: Oh, he's going to love this question, lol. I don't know birds, lol.  I would say... Omg, I have no idea.  LOL.  Maybe I'll just make us penguins together.  We are meant for each other like penguins are :) 
Fireman: I see you as that rainbow tropical bird.  Like in Rio. 
Me: the one in Rio is a blue macaw
Fireman: Yes, that's it.  I thought it was a macaw, but I wasn't sure.  You're like that bird. Very pretty, not plain or dull.  The kind that everyone would want if they could have one  (Awwwwwww!!!!!) I think I'm an eagle.  

*When I give my wife the 'look' often I am thinking (blank)*
My answer: You're on thin ice!!!!! :) 
Fireman: What I said or I'll belt your ass, lol.  
*The two words that sum up my wife are _______ and _______.*
My answer: fun and caring :) 

Fireman: perfect and priceless  (omg!!)

*If there was NO chance of getting caught, where is one place you would like to make whoopee?*

My answer: on the beach.. at an amusement park.. dressing room.  Do I have to pick just one? 

Fireman: An elevator. 
Me: oh yes. Add that to mine, lol :)

*Aside from her bottom, what is your wife's greatest asset?*
My Answer: He will say boobs, for sure. :) 
Fireman: Boobs!!!!!!!!

That was so fun :)  Some of fireman's responses surprised me, lol.  I'm sure some of mine will surprise him, too.  Feel free to copy and participate, if you haven't already!!! :)

elle & fireman :) 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Reinstating ttwd :)

I've been trying to write this post for a couple days, actually. We've been busy, of course. I even tried updating from my phone one night, but that didn't work out very well. 

We are planning a mini-vacation, if you even want to call it that, with the kids to a water park. We've never been to this specific place and I'm so excited. I went shopping on Saturday and purchased a new swimsuit, along with a few things for the kids. I have to try it on for FM though.. I'm afraid the ladies are on display a little too much. I did send him a picture from the dressing room and he said they looked great and to buy it, but we all know pictures are slightly different than real life, lol. 

After my last blog post, we had a great talk. We texted and we even talked face-to-face that evening. Fireman wasn't really wanting to talk f2f, but we did anyway. It's not just me that thinks its easier to talk via text! Lol :) 

He told me the way he feels about different things and instead of just it go until it happened again for me to get mad about, I told him things too. He wants to bring back me counting (yuck!). He says it makes him feel more connected instead of me just being there, saying ow? nothing. I tried to complain , but he just got all HoH~y, which was actually nice to see. 

He also said he was embarrassed for taking back consent in a backwards way.  He though I made an excellent point by saying not following through and just letting everything happen, not actively participating was essentially the same as me taking back consent. He knew how it made him feel when I did that and he apologized for making me feel that way. 

Also, he's making a very conscious effort to include me. He explained that he does try to shield me from some things and he doesn't want to make me worry more or "make me quit." I swore that I would never. I'm not as sheltered as he might think. I told him I'm perfectly aware of things. One of our favorite shows is Chicago Fire, we watch it together every week. I've seen movies and read things. Plus, I can definitely piece together snippets of conversation with the things his departments train for. I might be blonde... But definitely not dumb ;) 

He's not the only one trying, too. I'm trying to let him come home. You know what I mean? At the end of the day, he's been at work too. So many of you made that excellent point on my last post. He does love his job, but he needs to come home too. The extra child I watch during the week is only going to be here a short while longer and then she's heading off to daycare. I'll definitely miss the extra money, even though it wasn't much, but I'll have so much more sanity at the end of the day. I think that will help us, too. I won't be on edge constantly and wait for him to come home and help. 

We have had maintenance since we've reinstated ttwd. I think this time is it. It feels different almost. :) 

Happy belated Mother's Day! 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Taking consent vs not following through....

First, an update since it's been quite a while since my last post. I've had plenty to post about, but with the end of #1's school coming up, tball games, dance class, pictures, recitals, practice, etc etc etc.. Everything had been busy. 

The baby is doing okay from his surgery. Every so often he has to have more pain medicine, but he's mostly doing okay. No big fits like he was throwing. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for him. 

The family thing has been cleared up also. Instead of just bitching and complaining to fireman about it, I actually said my words to the people I had the issue with. They sat unresolved for about 24 hours, then everything worked itself out. 

Our dd life is not great, though.  Not at all. I haven't had any spankings, maintenance or otherwise, since before FM was out of town.  Even since we had our last sit down, come to Jesus talk, I've not had one punishment spanking. We worked everything out too.. Or so I had thought. We had a small list of rules, since he was having trouble on how to punish for what. We had a plan on what to do if I tried to say no. We had a plan for just about everything. He was even talking about upping maintenance, since it generally works out well for both of us. 

But, nothing. I think there's only been a handful of maintenance spankings since then. I'd guess less than 5, but I don't know for sure. 

So, my question is... We always talk about how it's not right for us to take back consent, right? What about no follow through? No meaningful words? No truth.  
I mean, that's basically what it is. No truth

I know there are women who complain about what a hard-ass their HoH is, or how he won't let anything slide. (I don't think there are any on blogger, that I read regularly, but I've seen it on message boards or whatever..). I have to think that's WAY better than having one who is completely disinterested and couldn't care less. 

If you're unfamiliar with this kind of HoH, I'll fill you in. It makes you feel like you're not a priority. You're not important enough to deal with and/or hold accountable. All the words you've discussed and plans you've laid out mean absolutely nothing. 

I can hear some of the other side of the argument as well. I'm an adult. I shouldn't need my husband to punish (? For lack of a better word) me when I let my car get too low on gas or don't do the previously discussed required loads of laundry.  I get that. But that's not how this lifestyle is supposed to work. I'm not supposed to be the only one doing my half. Or doing my 49%, I should say. 
You can do 49 with the other person not doing 51. 

I've made little comments about how it doesn't matter, he's not going to do anything about it anyway. Oh, we'll see, he'll say. So then I'll just say mmhmm, I guess we willAnd what happens? Nothing

Since he's returned from being out of town, everything has been so weird and distant between us. It's not just me, even though he fails to see it that way. He thinks it's my issue with the fire departments. It's absolutely not. 

My issue is not being important in his life. I feel like I compete with everything else. His parents, the fire station, all of it.  It feels like on so many occasions, the minute he gets home, his parents (dad, mainly) are out there, making it even longer before he walks through the door. FM will swear its coincidental that he was already out when he pulled up, etc.  He doesn't see how frequently it happens, it's not a coincidence. They want to know everything. And because he thinks I have issues with the fire station, he won't tell me. Then, when we are together with his parents, I'll overhear him telling them something he's excited about. Meanwhile I'm sitting there, completely out of the loop. 

This same thing happened when he got back from the fire conference thing. He'd been gone the entire week. The people he was with left way later than he'd wanted to, so he was home later than he'd liked. I get a text *Let me in, I'm home!
I send a flirty *Make me* back... And I receive nothing. Okay... Maybe he doesn't realize I was playing. I go to open the door and what do I see? His dad out in the driveway talking. Seriously? 

I'm still so exhausted. I could cry on command right now. The kids are wearing me completely thin, so much running, so much going on. And he doesn't get it. He just adds to it. 

Our anniversary was very recently. It was just weird. He posted an outrageously extravagant post on Facebook... He sort of sent roses, which is VERY unusual for him. I don't think he's ever actually bought me red roses before. And we've been together for ten years. He took us all out to dinner to a place we never go.. But it was all weird. It was like forced and unusual. 

Honestly, I tried to get past it, but it was impossible. He's weird too and he won't tell me why. He just says it's me. But I'm the one who went to bed with just pants and a tank, no panties or bra.. And I wasn't even touched. 

So.. I think there's no dd here. I'm over the up and down. I'm over him swearing things will be different and he'll not half-ass things this time. It's a let down. I think I'll just go back to doing things like I used to, because at least then I knew what to expect.