A little meme borrowed from Kenzie :)

We are still going strong. No major (or even minor!!) setbacks to report. Saw this meme on Kenzie's post from the other day and decided I'd give it a go. I can't resist, lol. I thought I'd answer for Fireman, too. :) 

1. What do you wear to bed?  

Boxers 

A tank and panties, usually. 

2. What's your favorite pet name for your SO?  

He usually calls me baby or a take on my name..

I call him a spin on his actual real name, lol. No one has ever called him that, that's for sure. And it's funny when our girls will call him that. Especially when they want something, lol. 

3. What's your favourite thing to do on a rainy day? 

I think he would say.. Play play station. 

I would say play play station with him, cuddle up and watch movies, or clean if he's not home. 
4. Your favorite snack food? 

His is either chips or cookies. Depends on what he can find in the cabinet, lol. 

I'm not a big snack person... I like chocolate sometimes. But I can't say that I snack on it. 
5. Do you cry at sad movies? 

He does not. 

I do, depends on the context. 

6. What's your favourite implement to be spanked with? Hm, his hand

He would probably say the hair brush.... 

I say.. His hand. 

7. Is your hair long or short?  

His is very short. 

Mine is long... To very long, I think. 

8. What size is your bed?  

Queen
9. Do you have sex with the lights on or off?  

Either :)

10. What's your favourite 'around the house' outfit?  

His is just gym shorts. Sometimes a t-shirt too. 

Mine is a tank and either VS yoga pants or comfy shorts. 
11. How do you drink your coffee or tea?  

He likes it very specific with milk and sugar. 

I like black, plus tons of sugar. :) 
12. Are you a bargain hunter?  

He is, somewhat. But he never shops. 

I totally am. And I know the difference between a good deal and a store that innovates the price and marks down. 
13. Do you think bald men are sexy?  

I don't think he does lol. 

Depends on the man. ;) 
14. Are you a good driver?  

He is. He actually used to race his car. 

I am. I swear, I taught him how to park. I just go a little faster than I should ;) 
15. In a 24 hour period, how many hours do you spend watching TV? 

It depends on the day, for both of us. And season. We don't get to watch a lot, but we have a few shows we like. We both like The Walking Dead. I like Grey's and Mistresses. We both get sucked into the Bachelor and Bachelorette. 

16. Name the last book you read? 

He reads guitar and fire magazines. Not much else. 

Nicholas Sparks' latest... No. I bought an old Nicholas Sparks after that. Something about a Fireman, ironically. 
17. Would you rather be hot or cold? 

I think we'd both rather be cold. You can bundle up! 
18. How many hours a day do you spend on the Internet? 

I'm actually not sure about him. He doesn't check fb very often. Unless he goes to a website about guitars, fire stuff, or cars.. Lol. 

I spend too many. Checking fb when I'm bored or researching something. 
19. Do you like facial hair on a man?  

He keeps a mustache ... Some scruff sometimes. I like it. 
20. Are you a smoker? 

He is, socially or when drinking. He used to in college. 

I am not. Maybe on occasion when drinking, but never regularly :) . 

And there you have it. :) hope you all have a great day!! 

Xo, 

Elle 

Sleeping trouble & punishment

It seems that when Fireman goes to bed first, I have a hard time going in there, climbing into our bed next to him sleeping peacefully, and falling asleep. It takes a lot for me to shut off my brain, lol. I keep thinking of things that need done or things I have done that day, just little thoughts that pop into my head.  I like the tv on, he likes it dark and silent. I almost feel bad for going in and turning it on when he's asleep. Almost ;) 

Giving in to sleep might be like submitting, lol. Sometimes it takes persuasion from myself to submit to fireman or sleep, lol.  Okay, maybe it's not the same.. But it still requires me doing something. I'll get in there eventually. I'm glad it's not a bedtime rule night in our house or I'd be in trouble again today. Yep. Again. 

I actually admitted to a broken rule. I don't know that we have an agreement on me telling on myself, but in my mind I figured admitting would be better than him maybe or maybe not asking me later. I felt slightly guilty. He'd already asked my if I'd completed the task once. I was honest. *Not yet, but I'm going to,* I texted back. Except then I got up, got the kids breakfast, got 3 drinks made, laundry started, more breakfast for 2 of the kids, myself breakfast, and straightened up a little. By then, the task was out of my mind entirely. 

I sent him a text around midday to say I'd completely forgotten about it. *Well, you're in trouble. So just expect it after the kids get to bed.*. Crap. I was wondering if the old him would resurface or if the new him would emerge and actually follow through. 

Went to lunch with the kids today. It was great. Food was great, kids were great. It was a fun day out. Had some other errands to run and the baby went with Fireman while the girls visited with and shopped with their grandmother. 

I got home and the baby was asleep, Fireman was sitting on the couch. So the girls are gone? Yes. They were going to _____. He nodded and looked like he was thinking for a second, then instructed: Bedroom. I was a little surprised, a little sad, and a little nervous! Punishments have been rare and infrequent. 

He stood beside the bed and gestured for me to lay across it. It's punishment so you're going to count. Out loud? Yes, out loud. Ughhhhhhh, I hate counting out loud, but I didn't say that. He went straight to it with the hairbrush and yowch. (But I did remember to complete the task before bed, so maybe it worked.)

Not too long after, we were sitting on the couch together when I was laughing at Cat's funny post about student's tests and reading some to him. You want to hear something new? Sure, thinking it was going to be something funny. I want you so bad right now, I'm having, like, a mini panic attack about it. Well, we can't have that. The girls are still going to be a little while. What about the baby? That's what the tv is for. Turn on his favorite show and we will be fine. And so we took care of that ;) 

Xo, 
Elle 

New rules...

I got into trouble after my blog post. Not for writing what I did, he made that very clear. I am allowed to post the good, bad, ugly, anything I want. He prefers that I do blog, actually.  I stay on track when I write, I get all my thoughts out, and give him an insight to my crazy mind. 

He asked a few times what was wrong yesterday morning/early afternoon. Nothing, I would reply sarcastically and walk away. Honestly, I'm quite surprised he didn't punish earlier for that. We He generally waits until bedtime to administer any punishment or maintenance spanking, so I guess that's the only reason my behind was spared that long. 

We had some family time before it got too late, which was very nice. Fireman and I didn't talk much, but it was still nice to do things together. We got the kids in bed, he took a shower.  As soon as he opened the bathroom door, why don't you come in and take a shower. Bug spray from the evening made me feel so gross, I told him I planned to get in after him. It was then I knew he was planning something. 

I took my time in a cool shower. Even though I pretty much knew it was coming, I still wasn't really in the mood, if you know what I mean. He had everything in position and held the special rope (? I guess that's what it is) in his hands, facing me. 

I'm really not in the mood. 
I understand that. Turn around. 
(Me turning...) fine. I gave him my hands and he did his knot quicker this time. He got into his spot and helped me fall over his leg. 

You lied today. He made it entirely clear what he was talking about just with those words. 
He then lectured better than he ever has before and informed me that we had new rules. You can read them tomorrow. Whack. Owwwww. Whack. Better yet, I'll just read them now. He placed his phone on my back, held the hairbrush in one hand, and read the new and improved rules. Who is this person and what have they done with my husband? 

He instructed me that he wants a list of ideas for Submissive Saturday. When my reply was but I don't really think that's my job, I was promptly reminded and told who is in charge. Good point, lol. 

I feel much better again. I know there will always be ups and downs. I'm just thankful I have a wonderful, loving husband to help me out when I need it. 

Xo, 
Elle 

Well, it was a bust..

Unfortunately Submissive Saturday did not go as I had planned in my head. I really thought this post, of Submissive Saturday #1, would be a lot different. I guess it was unrealistic to think that we could pull it off. I wish we were the type of couple that could, but we just aren't. 

In all honesty, I'm amazed that ttwd has come as far as it has. We are semi-creatures of habit. We don't handle change very well. One or both of us always has some kind of issue and change doesn't work for us. 

Getting something started and actually seeing it through and finishing it, is not my husband's strong suit. I'm not being disrespectful, it's true and he knows it. My kitchen was redone 6 years ago. 6. It's still not 100% complete.  It is an actual genetic trait he inherited from his father. They have a tendency to start many projects, but never get around to seeing them through. To be fair, he is certainly not as bad as he used to be, but it's still not great. 

Submissive Saturday is a perfect example. 

Friday we texted about it during the day, but all we ever came to a conclusion about was that we would finalize plans and come up with something to work on later. When 'later' came, he ended up going to hang out with some of his fireman friends. I eventually texted him to say we never came up with anything. 

He was busy playing games with them and it took him a few minutes each time to text back and forth. It was absolutely fine that he went. I just hated that he swore we'd work on us and we didn't. I swear it's always one step forward and fourteen back. 

I did finally get something through his head Friday night.. That he could absolutely make requests of me that and that I would comply. He is the most creative person.... Until it comes to ttwd. He said he might just wake me up if I were asleep when he got home. I can't stop thinking about those pink panties. You do know you could say you want me in nothing but those panties when you get home, right? I think the thought never crossed his mind. He doesn't see the things he could incorporate into our life that would make me feel instantly submissive. Giving me a specific clothing request for bed? Yum, yes please. 

That clicked in his head, so I complied. It was late when he got home, so I was very asleep, lol. He did enjoy the fulfilled request and made up for waking me up. ;) 

I woke up Saturday ready to go. I made breakfast and let him sleep until it was ready. I was hoping for something, but I don't know exactly what. I guess some sort of dominance from him. Some direction of what we were going to work on yesterday. I probably would've done anything... But nothing. We had a fun family day in the pool and I got some sun (yay!!). We came in, showered and got the baby down for a nap. 

Finally at 5:30pm, I asked. Oh no, uh, yeah we did. We came up with um, you following directions. Me:??? What? When? Last night. You, uh. Well... Yeah. Exactly. Maybe you should've told me that before 5:30. And maybe you could've actually given me some direction if that were the case. 

That was the end of that discussion. I hate feeling like I'm running the show. Isn't that what ttwd is supposed to help? Me not running everything? But I still feel like I do. 

To top of the failure of Submissive Saturday #1, I sent him a text with our code word that means I need maintenance. He completely forgot what the word meant. Nice. I sent the word along with some innuendo. So... What happened when we went to bed? Nothing. He completely fell asleep. Then he wonders what my problem is today. I don't feel close. He completely blew off yesterday, then was so tired from being up too late with his friends the night before, that he couldn't be up late with me. No maintenance. Nothing. 

I'm over bringing up stuff for us. I love this man more than anything, but sometimes he makes me feel unimportant. I'm always the one suggesting a date, a lunch, a fun thing for us to do, a  changing way of life (lol), but I'm really over it. I don't feel like giving any more hints and suggestions. 

Even this morning I was half-awake trying to list together ideas for a Submissive Sunday since Saturday didn't work. But it just doesn't feel like that should be my job. 

I'm sure you guys are over reading one good post, one whiny post. I'm tired of writing them. 
Xo, 
Elle 

Back on track... Again :)

Recently I found a note I created on my notes app on my iPhone. It was our first official rules list, dated October 18, 2012. For some reason, I had it in my head that it was later in the year that we began this dd journey, lol. I think I must've gotten that confused my my beginning blogger date, which was late November. 

So, 9 months in to this new, amazing, better-than-ever marriage we have, I've realized it's unfortunately easy to fall off the path. Although a life of ttwd is impressive in more ways than one, sometimes your mind gets the best of you. You start thinking dismal thoughts and think its better to revert back to the old way of life. When, really, if you/I just chilled out for a second, you/I would see that it's only a tiny bump in the road and that everything is going to be just fine. 

Of course that's all much easier said than done. 

We talked Wednesday evening and got everything figured out. I took my last post out of draft mode with his permission and after he said he couldn't disagree with pretty much everything that was in it. 

We talked about expectations and how he may expect me to get into spanking position when he sets up the little stool we use (our bed is tall!) but he's never verbalized that to me, so I have no idea. What he sees as defiant, is me just not realizing what he wants. Me wanting him to say or do certain things without him knowing is the same. We are working on it. 

We had a really good maintenance session after that and we are back where we want to be. He made sure I knew that he does want this lifestyle. He said that I found it for us, but he's stuck on it. If you ever didn't want it, that would be a real problem. And I really hope that never happens. Aw. :) that made me feel a million times better. 

Then the tears came when he said I was his the minute we met. He went into detail, which I can't go into here... Real life and all, but it was certainly one of the sweetest things he's ever said. 

We have decided to follow Kenzie & Colin's plan of Submissive Saturdays to help us with our roles. You can find Kenzie's blog here!! We are going to chat this evening and hopefully he will come up for something we can work on tomorrow. Any suggestions are welcome!! I'm excited. I think because it feels like we are being proactive and working towards the goal together. 

Hopefully I'll have a Submissive Saturday blogpost to share about this weekend!! Have a great weekend! 

Xo,

Elle 

A lot of jumbled up thoughts...

I wrote this Tuesday night really late. I published it, but then I took it down. I wanted Fireman to see it before everyone else. With the busy day yesterday, he didn't get the chance to read it until late last night. Then this morning I asked him if I could publish it. Why not? He said.. So here it is. .............

I have a lot on my mind tonight/this morning. It's either really late or really early, lol. It's a special day today at our house and I'm just waiting on the 2nd batch of cupcakes to finish baking.  Kid surprises always keep me up late. It's not possible to surprise any of them unless I work after they're fast asleep. I'm sure other moms know exactly what I mean. 

Fireman is in bed. He has an early day tomorrow, then busy with us. He had an early day today, too. Hopefully he'll get some good rest tonight. Unlike me, he can function really well on little sleep, but I've always hated it. 

I remember when we first began dating, he was in college. He never slept! I swear the man survived on Taco Bell and Mt Dew, lol. I think he could still do it, but he doesn't think so. There are many nights when he does, if there's been a late night/early morning fire call and he has to work. 

Anyway.... 

Saw a picture on Pinterest the other day and found it fitting to my life. Sometimes I get caught up with trivial things that don't matter. I need to lay off Facebook, but I get sucked in. 

The same thing happens when I read blogs sometimes. I'm not the same as everyone else. I don't think the same or act the same. I don't have the same end-result. My husband doesn't act or react the same. He doesn't make me feel what the writer elicits in their blog. Correction... He doesn't make me feel that he feels a certain way. 

So then comes the anxiety. The stupid worrisome thoughts that things aren't right. The worry that I'm not right. If things don't go exactly as I think they should, or the way I've pre-planned in my head, everything something is wrong. 

Unfortunately this is not a product of ttwd. It's been some crazy flaw I've always had. Ttwd seems to help sometimes.. But if there's a hiccup or something doesn't go right, it's back to square one in my head. Doom and gloom.  Thoughts of this is never going to work. No matter the subject, I have a tendency to get to that thought at some point. 

I think one of the biggest problems is when I start thinking... Is this what he really wants or is he just doing it because he thinks it's what I want? It's really sweet to know that often he'll do something because he knows I like it. Bringing me surprise Starbucks is always so thoughtful. Other times, I need him to make the decision, let that decision be what he wants and be final, you know? 

I need to be clear... Because I know when he reads this he might think it. I do not think ttwd is failing. At all. I still know it's the best thing we've ever done for us. I don't know. I think it just needs to be more. 

More of what? I have no idea. But, I think we are slipping. Slipping very slowly back to where we were and I refuse to let that happen. I can see it, I can feel it. We are close, but not like we can be. Not like we have been. 

I sent FM a link to a post that I thought was really amazing. It spoke to me. It was what I wanted to be. It was how I hoped he would feel toward me. Not exactly as she wrote, if that makes sense, but in FM's way. 

We texted about it momentarily. 
*I just read it. Wow.*
*What kind of wow?*
*The state of mind from which it was written. I don't require you be as submissive as I should. Her level of love, respect, and submissiveness is wow.*

Unfortunately the conversation continued, but only about dinner, so nothing else came of it.  I know none of this really makes much sense. And it really is a jumbled up mess. Maybe I'll end up reverting it back to draft, I don't know. 

I need to stop the comparing. That's one big problem. But the accountability is at zero. Laundry was on our list. I asked for it, because I'm horrible at putting it away. I don't mind doing it, but it's a huge pain in the ass. Lol. This week, I've been doing much better. But not once in the past however many months have I ever gotten in trouble for laundry. And I know I've deserved it. It was my rule.  

I've explained how I need to actually hear that I am his, that he's in control and that everything is fine... But I've only heard it once. It's things like that, that creep into my head and make me feel the way I do. It's not having his hands all over me that make me start to question myself. 

Maybe having the words written down will make a difference. Maybe you reading them will help you understand. Maybe when I re-read it, it will help me see what an idiot I am for making too much out of nothing. 

I'm going to go shower all of this away and get into bed so that I can have energy to enjoy this celebratory day in our family. That's what I will focus on until we actually get time to talk.. 

Xo, 
Elle 

Submissive Elle is nowhere to be found...

To be honest, I just didn't feel like blogging at all last week. I logged in very often to check Rogue's blog to get Emily updates and I'm sooooo glad she is home! Such wonderful news. Plus Bas passing away and sending Lisa our condolences, I just couldn't write. I didn't have much to say and I just didn't feel like it. 

We had a good week last week, the beginning was VERY spicy!!!!!!!!!! Lets just say there was a maintenance session mixed in with Fireman putting some of his knot-tying skills to use. (This was a good picture I found, but backwards.....)  I found that having my hands bound was like switching the 'submissive' button to the on position immediately. I don't know why exactly, but it was. Fireman said it was "hotttttttt." Lol ;) 

Then... A dry spell. There were a few days where we were just too busy. Complete disconnect. It messes with my self-esteem and everything. I hate when we have so much going on, there's no us time. We need a date night, but it's so hard to get a sitter and I won't just leave them with anyone. He likes to stay home, I like to go do something. Dis.con.ect. 

We had maintenance last night. I was not in the mood for it at all, but I agreed without argument. (Yay! Progress for Elle, lol!!). I tried to let it sink in.. But it really didn't. I dunno. He really doesn't talk during a spanking. There's no lecture hardly, even in punishment, though punishment is rare ;)  I think if he were reminding me of who is in charge or something it would work better.. But he doesn't get it. Anyone else? 

We are still close. Still getting along.. Though I might be annoyed more than usual at things he does. But I'm mostly respectful, I think is the right word to use. I refuse to go back to the way it used to be, which I'm sure was entirely disrespectful of him. 

I keep losing focus on writing.....  

Anyway, so it feels like submissive Elle has packed her bags and went to London for Royal Baby Watch. She's definitely not here..  


Hope you guys have a great Monday! 
Xo, 
Elle 

Also.. Check out this shirt Kathy Lee & Hoda showed on the Today Show today.. 
Purchase Here and $15 go to the families of the 19 brave firemen who were killed in the Yarnell wildfire.