Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I don't like asking for it....

Whatever you want to call it, role-affirmation, maintenance, an attitude adjustment or just keeping the spankee in line, not a punishment spanking.... Maybe it's that explicit spanking that leads to some super hot sex afterward or maybe it's just that 'I'm in charge and you need to remember it' spanking.  Whatever you want to call it, I don't like asking for it. 

Requesting might be the more appropriate term. Asking for it seems like a phrase for bratting to get some attention. So, I don't like requesting it. 

We have had agreements in our past editions of ttwd that I will ask for it when I need or want it, then he would take care of it. He can't read my mind, he wants to know when I feel that way. It's important that I communicate my needs/wants just as it is important for him to communicate that as well. We're not great at the communication. As you may remember from earlier blog posts, we text great. We can talk all day via text. We chat about everything, about nothing, important to unimportant. But face to face, we're not so great at. 

Here's the thing though... it usually doesn't happen when I make the request. That's not really a great feeling to have, to have opened up about it and then not having it. It's hard to muster up the courage to send the text about it, then awaiting the response. Sometimes it's yes okay.. or sometimes it's maybe we'll see.. or sometimes it's I don't know.  

In his defense, it is always open for discussion and he does still say he wants to know. But I have since refused to ask, after it once again not happening. It seems that I need that connected feeling more often than he does and it seems to fade a little more quickly for me than it does for him. I crave that feeling often. 

I crave the dominant side of him so often.  He has a look that he gets when he's in that mode and it makes him even hotter than he already is. His tone of voice and mannerisms change a little. It all adds up to a very excited Elle. =) 

More than anything though, I just want to be in our little bubble. I want to know that we are good. That he is handling everything and that I'm doing what I need to do. And of course, that I'm his and that's who I belong to.  

I wish we could stay in our bubble full time! 

I might just need to realize it's at his discretion whether it happens or not. Maybe that needs to be part of it. That might be a hard little pill to swallow though, but maybe that's part of the reason why this went wrong in the times before. I don't know that I can continue to relay that I want a session and it not be taken for exactly what I'm asking for. 

Not us, lol
Anyone have thoughts or insight? You know I always welcome all comments! :) 
Hope you all have a great Halloween!!!! 


Monday, October 27, 2014

Ladies & gentlemen... He is back :)

We had a jam-packed, slammed busy weekend. Well, Friday and Saturday at least. Sunday was fantastic. We attended church, a yummy breakfast, then sat on our couch and watched our football team WIN! LOL, we watched a really good movie and ended our Sunday like we usually do.... Walking Dead. 

I wasn't that impressed with last night's episode, but I'm a Daryl fan. So when Daryl is absent from the episode, it's not as good for me, lol. I did like that some of the events that occurred (no spoilers for any of you who haven't seen it yet!), but I want to know what happens next. I'm so impatient! 
Just to be fair, I am a fan of Lauren Cohan too, lol. FM & I agree this picture is hottt.  

Last week was a game-changer for us. My post made me realize just how much I missed ttwd. I texted FM. We talked.. and talked. We talked about the bad habit of his and how I want him to stop. He is working on it, but it's not gone as I wish it was. He says I don't understand addiction. I guess I don't. My feeling is just stop. Sure it will suck, but not forever and you'll be rid of the habit. We agree to disagree and I let it go. I really did. He doesn't do it around me and I really am trusting that he truly is trying to quit. 

I asked him at what extent he wants ttwd back.  All of it, but he realizes that's not what I want. Wrong, that is what I want, it's just the bad habit. He says he will take whatever he can get. Halfway, all of it, anything. He just wants it back. I compromise or give in.. or both. We can do whatever you want, with the promise that you really will continue to work on quitting.  

So ttwd is back... or we will see. We are trying it out, no major rules no giant leap in. We are just going with it. I think we aren't stressing out about it or trying to make it something it's not. 

Monday night we had a really good session. The following morning I asked him for feedback, something I always did when we were ttwd'ing before. It was exactly what I needed.  Me too FM, me too. 

So the rest of the week goes along smoothly, no problems. No sessions, even though I would've loved one (or 6, lol) more in there. We are already noticeably closer. It's that gravitational pull. It's back.  Fireworks. Only you guys know that feeling. You can't explain it to anyone else, not that I would ever try. 

The week kind of flew by. We had so much going on and Halloween activities this weekend. Saturday was nothing but me in the car. A little bit of spending time with the kids mixed in, but not much. 

Cue the blue flashing lights behind me while I was driving at one point. While I'm on the phone with FM. Expletive. Seriously, expletive lol.  That's not what I got pulled over for though, that's not illegal in the state I was in. At least not yet. Speeding. Something FM is always telling me to be cautious of. Can't help it! I have places to go and people to see! 

Luckily, I am an excellent driver :insert me with a sweet smile: and I have no tickets, no anything on my record. The police officer lets me go with just a warning, PtL! I do not have time for a ticket, nor any extra money I want to put toward paying a ticket with the holidays coming up! 

I call FM back to let him know what happened. That's fantastic that they didn't give you a ticket, love. You're still in trouble. 

All-caps expletive. Oh, that's right. We are back with ttwd in full-force.  I begin to explain my case. Yeah, I don't really want to hear it. It's a nice try. You're still in trouble. 

At this point, I'm just glad I made it through that day. So many stressful things leading up to the events that were taking place that day and I really did manage through them effortlessly. Except the damn cop that happened to pass me while I was coming-down-a-hill-while-driving-slightly-faster-than-I-should've-been <-- that's for FM, lol. :) 

Honestly, at this point I'm wondering if he'll actually hold up his end. His track record is not the best with consistency and punishment. Especially with punishment.  I didn't say much about it after I got home and we all had dinner. I think we may have watched some tv together with the kids before they ended up falling asleep watching a rented movie. I got a shower and he sent me to our room. 

I was pleasantly surprised with how he handled it. He started out with no warm-up.. ouch, but I did understand.  I protested about it, but he quickly reminded me that I was in trouble.  He lectured a little (which is more than he would've done in the past!!) and place his hand a little more forceful than he would've in the past too. (A little? A lot. but it was kind of hot along with getting his point across.)  He did take it easy and ended a lot sooner than I had anticipated, but I think he's still figuring things out for himself too.  

I do always try to be honest and give him any feedback he wants. I think we have this under our belts and we know how we messed up in the past. I really do think he's trying this time and not just doing it for me or because he thinks I want to. Not that I really think that's what was happening before, but I was afraid that's how it was.  

So, we will see how this goes. I'm not stressing out about it like I have in the past. I'm not asking for a specific list of rules, I think obviously I know the difference between right and wrong and I know mostly what he likes and doesn't. I think that will make a big difference too. 

Hope you all had a great weekend! 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Trust & Two years ago :)

It's been so long since I checked blogger and caught up with everyone's posts.  It's been so hard to carve out time to find to just read and catch up. I have missed everyone and I know I've missed a lot of posts. I hope you all are doing well.  :) 

Yesterday I checked my little TimeHop app- which by the way I love. I wish I would've downloaded it sooner than I did. I didn't realize how neat it was too see what you posted on Facebook years ago. I haven't been on instagram long, but that's fun to see too.  Anyway, I saw a post that reminded me of what we had done two years ago.. when I found the courage to bring up ttwd and probably saving our marriage forever. 

We've had bumps with it. We're not even practicing right now.. I do wish we were, but he knows the terms.  It's just up to him to fix himself so that we can move on. I can't do a ttwd lifestyle when he's still doing the one thing that I cannot handle. How would that ever work? But.. this post isn't about that. 

I  just can't believe it was two years ago.  

So much has changed since then, so much has been fixed, so much of the way I used to react and things I'd say.  I don't always still act like we are in a ttwd relationship, since we aren't, but I still see his looks. He may not mean to give them, but he does, lol.  

Even yesterday at breakfast.. I can't remember what I said, but he had a little threatening comment.  I politely reminded him that he couldn't do anything about it.. and he reminded me that the leather around his waist said he would, lol.  

I did try to initiate a conversation about when we are going to start it up again, but no dice. He just isn't really into talking about it and the bustle of breakfast didn't really allow for a convo about it. We had family stuff to do yesterday, then we came home to watch football and I fell asleep on him.  What can I say? He is a comfy place for me to fall asleep.  

I texted him a bit ago to let him know I did want to talk about it. He said okay and he'd let me know when he had a few minutes. I hate Mondays. It's still our busiest day of the week and he's not home until late. Coming off of Sunday when I usually get to spend all day when him, Monday is hard.  

Recently though, I realized that I really do trust this man with everything. Every thing I have, am, will be. I trust him.  I think that at the beginning of ttwd, I didn't. I know that I didn't at the beginning of our marriage either. I just didn't get it.  Maybe I was too young to realize or maybe it just takes time, I don't know. Or maybe ttwd helped with that. 

All I know is, I'm mad at him one minute.. and what would have drawn out into a three day argument before only lasts about 5 minutes now. I am more patient and more thoughtful about things. 

I want ttwd back, for the dynamic, for the feeling you get, for the hot sex, lol. I want it backkkkk. :) 

Other than that, things are fantastic around here. Just busy, like usual. We've added in a few more activities for the kids, so even busier than usual, but I wouldn't change it. I love this time of year, I love the cool weather and the leaves. I love Halloween and all of the fun decorations. I'm even one of those weird people that love the snow. I love all of it. :) 

Can't wait to catch up with everyone to see how it's going with everyone else. :) 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

60q :)

We all know I'm addicted to quizzes and memes :) Saw this one on Dana's, had to borrow it :) 

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? 
Yep :) 
2. Opinions on sex before marriage? 

I don't think it's realistic to wait. 
3. Is trust a big issue for you?
I think maybe. I try not to think that everyone has a hidden agenda, but unfortunately sometimes they do :( 
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
lol, I have. 
6. What happened last night? 
went to the gym :) 7. Ever have plastic surgery? 
I haven't. I don't know if I'd want to go under the knife voluntarily or not.. 8. Which are better - black or green olives? 
Ew. Neither! 9. What is the last beverage you had? 
Iced Coffee :) It's sitting right beside me right now. 10. Ever won a contest?
 Yes :) A few. 
11. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? 

I do! I wouldn't have been very comfortable in them last year at this time, but they work now :) 
12. What are you gonna do Saturday night? 
Haven't planned it yet. I like to go out, but I love staying in too.13. What are you going to spend money on next? 
I have to go to the store :( Yuck! 14. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
I hope so. I have big goals :) 15. Can you swim well? 
Not like an olympian, but I won't drown, lol
16. Have you had sex today? 
Not yet.. If I wouldn't have slept through my alarms though, I might have tried :) 
17. Regularly burn incense? 

Never have..
18. Are you in a good mood? 

Not particularly, but I am having some very rare alone time :) 19. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
I want to say yes, but when it comes down to it, I don't think I could scuba dive!! I have claustrophobic issues, lol. 20. What do you want right this second? 
World peace. For real. I know that's the beauty queen answer (which goes back to the contest thing, lol!) but everything in the news is so disturbing. 

21. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? 
I've been this color for so long I don't know what my actual color is, hahaha :) 
22. Hot tea or cold tea? 
I drink tea almost everyday, but I love hot tea in the winter! :)
23. Tea or coffee?
24. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? 
Yes. I actually miss my hubby.  Mondays are hard, we barely see each other and I was already mostly asleep when he got home last night. Hopefully we get some time together tonight. :)
25. Does everyone deserve a second chance? 
No. Some things are unforgivable. 
26. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? 
 I should hope so.  
27. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?  
Yes. I very rarely drink it.  
28. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? 
I kissed the girls goodbye before school. 
29. Who did you last call? 
I actually had to look.. it's my grandmother :) I called her yesterday morning. 
30. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?  
To tell them goodbye.
31. Who would you like to see in concert? 

That's a good question! I've been to lots of concerts, we love music. Someone I haven't seen..... Justin Timberlake. Haven't seen him.  (That took a lot of thinking!)
32. What was the last concert you saw? 
I can't put the actual last one I saw for fear of exposure, lol, but the one before that.... oh, I can't write that one either.  Let's just say an alternative band :)  
33. Do you tan in the nude? 
34. Are you patient? 
Sometimes. Depends on the situation. 
35. Who was the last person to call you? 
My daughter's old school. 
36. Do you sing in the shower? 
Only if there is music playing.  
37. Ever used a bow and arrow? 
38. Do you think musicals are cheesy? 
They can be. 
39. Is Christmas stressful? 
Not at all. I love every bit of it. I love the shopping, I love the gifts, the parties, the celebration. I love teaching my kids what it's really about.  I love Christmas!  
40. Ever eat a pierogi? 
I don't think so... 

41. Favorite type of fruit pie? 

42. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? 
 Veterinarian, teacher, model, superstar, lol :) 
43. Do you believe in ghosts? 

44. Ever been in love? 
45. Take a vitamin daily? 
I'm supposed to.. but I am not good at taking pills everyday! 
46. Wear slippers? 
Not usually. 
47. Wear a bath robe? 
Sometimes when I'm getting ready. 
48. What do you wear to bed? D
Sometimes nothing, sometimes a tank and panties, sometimes FM's t-shirt.. just depends.  
49. First concert? 
A country guy with a mullet, lol. Or technically sesame street. 
50. Walmart, Target or Kmart? 
I love Target, even though I generally spend too much. Walmart is closer, but I prefer a local supermarket. 
51. Nike or Adidas? 

52. Cheetos or Fritos? 
Neither. I hate cheetos and I'm not really a frito person either... 
53. Peanuts or sunflower seeds?
I like both :)
54. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? 
55. What is your favorite book? 
Probably anything by Nicholas Sparks. Or Heaven is For Real- it's very powerful :)  
56. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? 
Fireman, or my best friend. I could probably even tell her about ttwd, but I don't want to get into it. lol.  
57. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 
Probably last Christmas for a party photo. 
58. Ever have a deja-vu feeling?
Yes, actually just last weekend. 
59. Listening to? 
Myself type.. the dvd just finished a show, so it paused itself. 
60. Favorite cookie? 
I love all cookies..  

Thursday, August 14, 2014

An agreement :)

First, thank you all for your kind words and advice. I really appreciated it.. most of it, lol :) No, just kidding.  I really did appreciate all of it.  Even the one that I didn't appreciate got some dialogue rolling between FM and I.. and even though it wasn't accurate, I did appreciate it.  

We are on the way up.  We talked.  I think it took at least a week.  We tried getting back to normal after the initial talk we had.  But it was the usual us. Nothing resolved, nothing really hashed out.  Just hurt feelings and some conversation that touched the surface of things that had been going on.  It was classic us. 

Until the following Monday.  I was stressed and anxious with him being away from me.  Mondays are always hard for us because we've had the weekend together, then we are apart for the entire day.  From morning shower to bedtime, apart.  

I didn't really ask him to quit the habit in our earlier conversations.  So when Monday rolled around and I knew what he was doing at work, it just brought everything back to the surface for me, along with everything that had been said.  It was just too much and another very large fight erupted.  

I wanted to text him.  I wanted to just have the old FM back, but we couldn't go back.  There was no back because what I'd thought was clouded now, you know? It was a mess.  

Then somehow we started discussing things.  Everything.  Things from the beginning, things from the middle, things from the present.  We talked A LOT.  Mostly over text, but it just kept going.  We text-talk well, lol.  

Then we got a date night last weekend and got reconnected.  We made a few deals and it wasn't my plan to get the discussion of bringing ttwd back, but it happened.  I texted without really thinking that I wished we could bring ttwd back in our lives.  He replied he was already there.  

But, I said there was no way I could do it with him still doing the thing I had a huge problem with, that he had been hiding from me for so long.  It would never work.  He just replied that he understood. 

Then on our date, actually I think it was before, we came to an agreement.  We had a fun spanking session before we left.. it was a deal we had made lol.  During the day he commented about something, but when I wanted a more in-depth description, he didn't really want to talk about it.  So I said I'd be up for a session before we went to dinner if he told me.  It worked ;) And it was really hot to have it before we left.  It got the date started off the best way possible.  I missed that connection so much that I made him another deal.  We will get back to ttwd if he quits.  Really quits for good.  Deal, he said.  Hopefully that's incentive enough for him to kick the habit.  

We are doing well now, really well.  It's a little touchy from time to time, just because wounds are still a little fresh, but we are okay.  :) 


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Just when I think we're good..

First of all, I apologize in advance at this post.  I wish I had better news to report, but I don't. We really suck at ttwd, really, and it's even worse than I thought.  

We were just talking about really getting it started again. That's what I wanted. I wanted it back 100% and I was getting the feeling that maybe he did too. We talked about it for a while, chatted a little back and forth via text while he was at work.  Texting has always been our best form of communication.  Our evenings are so busy and even though he's really busy at work, he can usually send me a text back and forth throughout the day and we can't lose track of what we're talking about when it's on the screen. 

The other night we actually had a nice session, too.  I could've .. or maybe should've told him to go a little more. I was actually craving his hand, but he just used the hairbrush.  It was really, really good for both of us.  While he still didn't say much, it felt good to be in that position again.  *really good*

Then comes yesterday.  

And my whole world is completely fucked upside down.  I've seen your posts on 'what do you do when he messes up' and the like, but I honestly never read them.  I'm always quite limited on time when I get on blogger, especially with the last few months, and I have no advice on that situation, so I didn't read them.  Stupid me.  

Of course our relationship isn't perfect.  But we were to such a good place.  We've barely bickered over the past few months.  We've done extremely well overall since we began ttwd.  I know I've mentioned we were on the verge of divorce in the past.  It was probably more than just on the verge.  Short of seeing a lawyer, it was over.  It was not good, it was worse than bad.  I've always equated ttwd to saving us.  

It took a lot, as I think it does for most women who choose to live this lifestyle.  You give up a lot.  I was probably not as good as it as I wanted to be, but that's neither here nor there.  I brought it to the table.  I wanted to save us.  I did the love dare.  All of it.  I all but begged him to renew vows with me, but he didn't get it.  

I have one very large regret.  It happened about 4 years ago. Most people always say they have no regrets because they wouldn't be where they are today without it.  That's probably true for us too and I wouldn't change what we have at all, but this regret is just so major it's even hard to type right now.  I hate that I had it happen.  I will slip to an panic attack quite easily over it and that's not something I've told anyone.  Not even FM, I just try to get through it, push it down, and move on.  

FM has proceeded with forgiveness, which I will admit I'm not even sure I could've done if the situation would have been in reverse.  Nothing anyone can say can make me feel worse about what happened.  Nothing.  I have the deepest level of pain and regret, it's a torment I would never wish on anyone.  But I go on.  I focus on us and where we are now.. or where we were to get past it.  I remember that he loves me, that he forgives me, and that I am fine.  I repeat it to myself when the panic comes.  It's ... Anyway.  

Yesterday.  He has an item that he loves, of course fire related, and he's been using it since he got it.  Loves it.  Unfortunately it was ruined yesterday and they're not easily found in our area.  I immediately got on my phone and found it on amazon and another fire site.  I figured out which shipping was cheaper and went to pay for it.  I needed his card out of his wallet, mine isn't working for shipping things for some reason, I tried to be secretive and just pay for it.  Couldn't find his wallet.. went to his car, looked in his bag, and found chewing tobacco.  

Maybe it's not that big of a deal and maybe some of your husbands do it.  I can't stand it.  It makes me so disgusted and we had an argument about it before.  Unfortunately it was during the bad point in our relationship.  However, he promised to not do that anymore.  When we met, he was a smoker.  I thought that I had asked him to quit as a wedding present to me, but he says it was before #1 was born.  Either way, it's been 8 years or 9 years ago, but he did quit.  He just smokes occasionally, which is really fine with me.  

I have issues when people are addicted to things.  I just can't make my brain understand it.  I'm sure he probably is addicted, but that just makes it worse.  I can't understand why you would ever start using chewing tobacco and the spitting and carrying a cup around, ew.  I can't think of many things that are more disgusting than that.  

I know it sounds stupid.  I realize it will probably seem like a non-issue. But he promised.  I confront him about it and my hands are shaking I'm so upset about it.  Then I realize, what if he's been doing it since he promised me he wouldn't? 

He has.  For almost 4 years.  FOUR YEARS he's been hiding this from me.  

We never really kiss.  When we were dating, that's all we'd do.  Then it stopped.  We never make out, we rarely kiss.  I mean we can go weeks.  We will have sex with no kissing.  Happens all the time.  

Now I wonder if it's because he was using that disgusting stuff.  He says I made no effort to kiss him, but I don't think that's true.  I feel like he has chosen that over me.  

So i'm already distraught over this.  I'm disgusted from him even doing, hurt that it's been going on for as long as it has.  I told him I'm not okay with it, if he gets sick from it I'm leaving. That's something you bring on yourself. We argue a little.... and he throws the grenade.  At least I'm not hiding things like you were.. and says a few other things referring to the regret I have.  

It felt like an arrow shot straight through me.  I was paralyzed and panic set it.  I can't even explain.  I just stood there.  Feel better? I asked... he didn't respond.  
We didn't speak the rest of the evening.. until I brought him pillows to sleep on the couch.  I couldn't sleep in the bed with him.  He called me a name as I shut the door. 

I opened it back and we argued more.  He said more mean things about what happened a long time ago and I was stunned.  He even said things that I've never said happened.  I started to respond and he walked out of the room.  That hurt even more.  

I wanted to tell him there's no way possible to make me feel worse than I do, but I couldn't.  I told him to go to the bed. I couldn't sleep anyway, but he refused.  He laid on the couch and I walked to the bedroom with tears just streaming and he said nothing.  I shut the door and couldn't breathe.  I don't even know how loud I was trying to get air in my lungs, I kept thinking he might come, but deep down I knew he wouldn't.  He never does.  He never chases, never comes after me when we have a big argument.  It's been a very long time, but he never has in all of our years.  

I finally got into our bed and I don't know if I passed out or fell asleep, but I woke up around 3 and fell back asleep.  I slept through my gym alarm and woke up around 8:30.  

I texted him everything I'd wanted to say. I told him I didn't want to start a conversation, but I just had some things I wanted to say.  He did respond and apologized, but said that he thought I was blowing things out of proportion.  A while later I explained, but he just said he was busy and hasn't been able to respond yet.  

I don't know what time he will be home.  I don't know how this evening will go.  I just know that a lot of issues have been brought to the surface and won't easily be forgotten.  I know I have a lot of issues with the beginning of our marriage, then the regrets, and now this.  He has issues, obviously, but I don't know.  

I don't know how to end this either.. If you've stuck with it, thanks.  Feel free to comment anything.  Even if you think it's all stupid, lol, I'm fine with it.  I know it sounds stupid, but it's just not to me.  =/ 

Friday, June 6, 2014

Better late than never... Liebster Award :)

A big thanks to Blondie at Blondie's Blog for the nomination!! It was more than a month ago that she nominated me, but we had a lot going on and I couldn't get it done.  We finally got a new computer, so now I'm able to access blogger so much easier.  The iPad and blogger, as many of you know, aren't a good match, lol.

The rules(in case you haven't already seen them)
1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog. 
2.  Display the award on your blog, include it in your post and you make it a gadget if you wish :)
3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you. 
4.  Provide 11 random facts about yourself. 
5.  Nominate 5-11 blogs you feel deserve this award who have less than 1,000 followers. 
6.  Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer. 
7.  List these rules on your post.  Once you have written it, publish!
8.  Inform the blogs you nominated about their nomination for the Liebster Award from you and provide a link to your post so they can learn about it.  (They may not have heard about it yet!!). 

Here are Blondie's questions for me to answer :) 

1. Are you generally a happy person?
Yes.  I try to look at the bright side of everything and stay positive.  It's too easy to drag yourself down otherwise!! 
2. Do you look like your mother?
Yes, I do.  We don't have the same body shape, but I look more like her and her side of the family than I do my father's.   
3. Favorite sex position?
Depends on the mood! 
4. Will you or have you told your children about your spanking lifestyle?
No and no!!!! I can't imagine ever having any kind of conversation like that :) I think we'll keep it between us forever.   

5.  Do you own any sex toys and if so how many and which is your favorite? 
No, none.  We really need to invest in some though.... 

6.  Have you ever had a picture taken of your red bottom after a spanking? 
Yes.  I think it was one of the first time.  I don't know if we saved it or if it's gone forever, lol.

7.  What decade did you attend high school? 
I graduated in the early 2000s. 

8. What song do you tend to sing in the shower? 
Usually whatever is playing on Pandora on my iPhone if I'm listening.  Otherwise I think I'm silent..
Unless I'm talking to FM since we usually shower together. 

9.  Have you ever thought about walking away from your life and starting over somewhere else? 
Yes, all the time.  Not by myself, but with our little family. 

10.  Would you go on a cruise with your family and your extended family (parents, in-laws, siblings, etc)
Excellent question!!!! I think I could do it, but only if we had our own room.  I couldn't stand to be stuck with anyone in the same room.  I need a place to retreat so I don't say something I shouldn't.  

11.  Is there a subject that you and your husband dance around and try to sweep under the carpet instead of dealing with it? 
No, I don't think there is.  Usually we have to attack whatever it is to get past it.  Even if that takes a while to happen.  

11 Random Facts about Myself:
1.  I am very competitive. 
2.  I can get a tan pretty quickly.  FM was shaking his head at me 
yesterday because I've laid out twice this week, 
less than 20 minutes yesterday and maybe an hour a few days ago and 
I'm already way darker than he will
ever be, lol. 
3.  I like to play playstation with FM.  Most wives complain or get 
annoyed when their hubby plays, not me!
I join in and figure out how to play.... and annihilate all, hahaha =) 
4.  I don't like when the floor is dirty or there are dishes in the sink.  
The rest of the house could be a disaster, 
but those two things push me over the edge. 
5.  Love kickboxing.  It's my favorite workout. I like when I punch so 
hard, the glove and mitt together make a 
smack and everyone in the class is shocked, lol :)
6.  Cupcakes.  They're my weakness... lol.
7.  My favorite number is 7.  
8.  I get highly annoyed when people use there/their/they're and 
your/you're wrong.  It really bothers me. 
9.  I can keep a secret like nobody's business. 
10.  I celebrate a birthday week.  I drag it out as long as I possibly can 
and even when I'm 90, I'll enjoy my birthday. 
11.  I don't have one favorite color. I've never been able to pinpoint just 
one color that I like more than others. Even when I was little, I couldn't.  
(my pictures wouldn't line up right..... so they're just scattered down here, lol)

I don't know who has done this and who hasn't since I was gone for so 
long!!! Please feel free to do it.  I love all of the 
blogs I follow and I don't want to leave anyone out.  :)  Feel free to do 
it even if you already have.  I love reading random facts 
about everyone and answering random questions!! :) 

Here are my questions:
1.  Where is your dream vacation? 
2.  Would you ever jump out of a plane... on purpose?
3.  What's your favorite way to relax? 
4.  If you could have a super power, what would it be? 
5.  What's your go-to outfit? 
6.  What's the last thing you watched on tv? 
7.  Do you believe in ghosts? 
8.  What about horoscopes? Do you read yours? 
9.  While we're at it, what's your sign? 
10.  Would you rather eat fruits or vegetables? 
11.  What's your favorite spanking implement? 

Now get to it! :) 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Mostly fixed..... :)

FM- I know you'll like this one, lol :)
I'm needy.  I know it, he knows it.  It's not brand new information, lol :)   

I think when things spiral down, I shut it down.  If it's been more than a week since we've had sex, I start to not really care if it happens.  The more it happens, the more I want it.  (Anyone else?) 

Point is, that's exactly what happened.  

The good news is, we didn't have a big blowout like we would've in the past.  I really do think ttwd is the reason.  Years ago, maybe even last year at this time (even though we were somewhat actively participating in the ttwd club) we would've had a big blowout where we wouldn't speak for a couple days, it would be tense and uncomfortable until one of us broke the ice.  

But not this time.   Yes, he was mad.  I was annoyed, but no big bomb went off that stopped our lives for days.  Growth! lol :) 

I need the attention.  I think that's why ttwd works for us.  I get the undivided attention that I crave.... but only sometimes.  We have GOT to work on that, too.  I'm not even sure when the last time was that we had any spanking time! That's not okay for two closet spankos.  He needs it as much as I do.  

Lately, I've noticed he doesn't have that little look in his eye- I think you guys know the one.  He doesn't feel it.  He needs to feel it.  I want and need him to feel it :)

Maybe that was the problem.  It wasn't just that he hadn't gotten any, he lost that feeling.  

Last night, we had a little reconnection.  He wanted to have some maintenance, which I am sure I needed, but just didn't have it in me to do it.  ---- I swear, this is exactly why it needs to happen more often! It's just like sexy time.  The more it happens, the more I want it. --- Anyway, we did have some good reconnecting.  Even though I got to bed a little later than I wanted, it was worth it.  I sent him a true and racy text right as I was falling asleep.  I never even heard his reply, though I'm sure it was almost instantaneous.  

We are going to talk about it today.  We have to communicate better and more, even if he thinks I'm not going to like what he has to say.  He has to get over it and say what he feels.  I want to know.  He has to feel important to me, because there's nothing more important.  

I definitely think we need more of ttwd.... I don't want to run it into the ground, but I do really think it needs a larger presence in our life.  We both need to feel that feeling and ride that high more often :) 

Hope you all have a great day!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Another disconnect..

It's happened once again.  That horrible disconnect where everything goes wrong and no matter how hard I try or how many times I say or think we will fix it, it's just not getting back to where it needs to be. 

I don't know exactly when it happened.  Things are actually starting to slow down with the kids, unfortunately my training has picked up.  What's slipping through the cracks? Us.  Our time.  Our communication.  Everything that involves the two of us seems to have taken a backseat to everything else.  

When I started this journey, he was very supportive.  Don't get me wrong, he is still supportive, but he's not happy with us falling behind.  The support has wavered slightly, it seems. I'm not happy with it either, but it's different for me.  

Here's one of my chief complaints of my husband.  It may not be what you think.... Ready for it? Lying.  He thinks it's no big deal.  And it's not lying about where he's been or what he's doing.  He's not lying about who he talks to or anything like that, don't get the wrong idea.  He lies when I asks him what's wrong.  Nothing.  Obviously something is wrong and either he doesn't want to get into it or whatever, it drives me insane.  I just see it as being lied to and instead of him bringing the issue up, he just says nothing and goes back to being a terrible mood for the rest of our short time together.  

I asked again this morning what his deal is after he came in the living room, kissed me on the cheek with a curt 'bye' and started to turn around and walk away.  It feels like it's more than just the non-sex that's happening here these days, but he only replies with nothing.  Then I give him the look, you know the one, and he finally speaks up that I should know what's wrong and implies that I just don't care.  I just didn't have the energy and he needed to go anyway.  I sat on the couch and stared at him standing in front of me.  I looked back to my phone and said it's 6:30.  He left.  

Two hours and no text.  Same thing happened yesterday morning after we didn't have sex in the shower.  That's a tricky subject anyway.  He loves shower sex.  I hate shower sex.  And so it goes.  He was pissed when he left yesterday too.  He tried to make some moves while we were still in the shower, I knew time was running out and he needed to leave for work.  (We generally shower together every morning.  I leave while he's still in bed for the gym, I usually wake him up when I get back and we end up showering together.  It bums me out when he's gotten up and gotten one without me.. like this morning.. but I knew he had to be there semi-early.  I tried to leave the gym early to make it back in time for it.. anyway).  

I know he's feeling neglected.  I get it.  I really do.  

I'm spent though.  After getting up early to get to the gym to do my morning cardio, then coming home, getting laundry going, generally doing the dishes, straightening up before the kids get up, my day never stops either.  I have a few classes through the week that I head back to the gym for, so that makes my evening busy.. add in the kids' activities and I'm just spent.  Early bedtimes are over, the kids are staying up later, I'm getting in bed later than I should and that's with zero time spent with FM.  I just don't know how to get it all together.  

At the most, I'm getting 6 hours of sleep these days. I'm a sleeper.  I need sleep.  I always have needed sleep.  He can run on just a few hours where I cannot.  I get cranky, I get angry... I *need* sleep.  I'm on what needs to be a way stricter diet (nutritionally, not cutting way down. It's plenty of food, lol) and I get a little angry when I start getting hungry too.  I'm working really hard on new goals and I am just getting lost. 

It feels like I've finally found something that is me and while he is supportive, he doesn't like it.  He doesn't like that I'm away in the evenings so much.  It's not because he has the kids, he's great with our kids, I think he just doesn't like that I am gone so much.  That is super aggravating, because it's fine for him to be gone.  He can run on the fire calls and do all the training, but he doesn't like it when I do something similar.  At least he doesn't have to worry about my safety, lol. 

I want to keep my head in this.  It really does take extreme focus and the right mentality, but lately it's getting harder.  I don't want to give up.  I don't want to stop.  I want there to be more hours in the day, but I can't change that either.  

I have more to say, I think... but I've got to run.  I can't even proofread this at the moment, so please excuse any typos or run-ons... or sentences that don't make sense. LOL.  We all know I tend to ramble, so excuse that too.  

Hopefully I'll find time this afternoon to come back and fix this post.