Friday, June 6, 2014

Better late than never... Liebster Award :)

A big thanks to Blondie at Blondie's Blog for the nomination!! It was more than a month ago that she nominated me, but we had a lot going on and I couldn't get it done.  We finally got a new computer, so now I'm able to access blogger so much easier.  The iPad and blogger, as many of you know, aren't a good match, lol.

The rules(in case you haven't already seen them)
1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog. 
2.  Display the award on your blog, include it in your post and you make it a gadget if you wish :)
3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you. 
4.  Provide 11 random facts about yourself. 
5.  Nominate 5-11 blogs you feel deserve this award who have less than 1,000 followers. 
6.  Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer. 
7.  List these rules on your post.  Once you have written it, publish!
8.  Inform the blogs you nominated about their nomination for the Liebster Award from you and provide a link to your post so they can learn about it.  (They may not have heard about it yet!!). 

Here are Blondie's questions for me to answer :) 

1. Are you generally a happy person?
Yes.  I try to look at the bright side of everything and stay positive.  It's too easy to drag yourself down otherwise!! 
2. Do you look like your mother?
Yes, I do.  We don't have the same body shape, but I look more like her and her side of the family than I do my father's.   
3. Favorite sex position?
Depends on the mood! 
4. Will you or have you told your children about your spanking lifestyle?
No and no!!!! I can't imagine ever having any kind of conversation like that :) I think we'll keep it between us forever.   

5.  Do you own any sex toys and if so how many and which is your favorite? 
No, none.  We really need to invest in some though.... 

6.  Have you ever had a picture taken of your red bottom after a spanking? 
Yes.  I think it was one of the first time.  I don't know if we saved it or if it's gone forever, lol.

7.  What decade did you attend high school? 
I graduated in the early 2000s. 

8. What song do you tend to sing in the shower? 
Usually whatever is playing on Pandora on my iPhone if I'm listening.  Otherwise I think I'm silent..
Unless I'm talking to FM since we usually shower together. 

9.  Have you ever thought about walking away from your life and starting over somewhere else? 
Yes, all the time.  Not by myself, but with our little family. 

10.  Would you go on a cruise with your family and your extended family (parents, in-laws, siblings, etc)
Excellent question!!!! I think I could do it, but only if we had our own room.  I couldn't stand to be stuck with anyone in the same room.  I need a place to retreat so I don't say something I shouldn't.  

11.  Is there a subject that you and your husband dance around and try to sweep under the carpet instead of dealing with it? 
No, I don't think there is.  Usually we have to attack whatever it is to get past it.  Even if that takes a while to happen.  

11 Random Facts about Myself:
1.  I am very competitive. 
2.  I can get a tan pretty quickly.  FM was shaking his head at me 
yesterday because I've laid out twice this week, 
less than 20 minutes yesterday and maybe an hour a few days ago and 
I'm already way darker than he will
ever be, lol. 
3.  I like to play playstation with FM.  Most wives complain or get 
annoyed when their hubby plays, not me!
I join in and figure out how to play.... and annihilate all, hahaha =) 
4.  I don't like when the floor is dirty or there are dishes in the sink.  
The rest of the house could be a disaster, 
but those two things push me over the edge. 
5.  Love kickboxing.  It's my favorite workout. I like when I punch so 
hard, the glove and mitt together make a 
smack and everyone in the class is shocked, lol :)
6.  Cupcakes.  They're my weakness... lol.
7.  My favorite number is 7.  
8.  I get highly annoyed when people use there/their/they're and 
your/you're wrong.  It really bothers me. 
9.  I can keep a secret like nobody's business. 
10.  I celebrate a birthday week.  I drag it out as long as I possibly can 
and even when I'm 90, I'll enjoy my birthday. 
11.  I don't have one favorite color. I've never been able to pinpoint just 
one color that I like more than others. Even when I was little, I couldn't.  
(my pictures wouldn't line up right..... so they're just scattered down here, lol)

I don't know who has done this and who hasn't since I was gone for so 
long!!! Please feel free to do it.  I love all of the 
blogs I follow and I don't want to leave anyone out.  :)  Feel free to do 
it even if you already have.  I love reading random facts 
about everyone and answering random questions!! :) 

Here are my questions:
1.  Where is your dream vacation? 
2.  Would you ever jump out of a plane... on purpose?
3.  What's your favorite way to relax? 
4.  If you could have a super power, what would it be? 
5.  What's your go-to outfit? 
6.  What's the last thing you watched on tv? 
7.  Do you believe in ghosts? 
8.  What about horoscopes? Do you read yours? 
9.  While we're at it, what's your sign? 
10.  Would you rather eat fruits or vegetables? 
11.  What's your favorite spanking implement? 

Now get to it! :) 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Mostly fixed..... :)

FM- I know you'll like this one, lol :)
I'm needy.  I know it, he knows it.  It's not brand new information, lol :)   

I think when things spiral down, I shut it down.  If it's been more than a week since we've had sex, I start to not really care if it happens.  The more it happens, the more I want it.  (Anyone else?) 

Point is, that's exactly what happened.  

The good news is, we didn't have a big blowout like we would've in the past.  I really do think ttwd is the reason.  Years ago, maybe even last year at this time (even though we were somewhat actively participating in the ttwd club) we would've had a big blowout where we wouldn't speak for a couple days, it would be tense and uncomfortable until one of us broke the ice.  

But not this time.   Yes, he was mad.  I was annoyed, but no big bomb went off that stopped our lives for days.  Growth! lol :) 

I need the attention.  I think that's why ttwd works for us.  I get the undivided attention that I crave.... but only sometimes.  We have GOT to work on that, too.  I'm not even sure when the last time was that we had any spanking time! That's not okay for two closet spankos.  He needs it as much as I do.  

Lately, I've noticed he doesn't have that little look in his eye- I think you guys know the one.  He doesn't feel it.  He needs to feel it.  I want and need him to feel it :)

Maybe that was the problem.  It wasn't just that he hadn't gotten any, he lost that feeling.  

Last night, we had a little reconnection.  He wanted to have some maintenance, which I am sure I needed, but just didn't have it in me to do it.  ---- I swear, this is exactly why it needs to happen more often! It's just like sexy time.  The more it happens, the more I want it. --- Anyway, we did have some good reconnecting.  Even though I got to bed a little later than I wanted, it was worth it.  I sent him a true and racy text right as I was falling asleep.  I never even heard his reply, though I'm sure it was almost instantaneous.  

We are going to talk about it today.  We have to communicate better and more, even if he thinks I'm not going to like what he has to say.  He has to get over it and say what he feels.  I want to know.  He has to feel important to me, because there's nothing more important.  

I definitely think we need more of ttwd.... I don't want to run it into the ground, but I do really think it needs a larger presence in our life.  We both need to feel that feeling and ride that high more often :) 

Hope you all have a great day!!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Another disconnect..

It's happened once again.  That horrible disconnect where everything goes wrong and no matter how hard I try or how many times I say or think we will fix it, it's just not getting back to where it needs to be. 

I don't know exactly when it happened.  Things are actually starting to slow down with the kids, unfortunately my training has picked up.  What's slipping through the cracks? Us.  Our time.  Our communication.  Everything that involves the two of us seems to have taken a backseat to everything else.  

When I started this journey, he was very supportive.  Don't get me wrong, he is still supportive, but he's not happy with us falling behind.  The support has wavered slightly, it seems. I'm not happy with it either, but it's different for me.  

Here's one of my chief complaints of my husband.  It may not be what you think.... Ready for it? Lying.  He thinks it's no big deal.  And it's not lying about where he's been or what he's doing.  He's not lying about who he talks to or anything like that, don't get the wrong idea.  He lies when I asks him what's wrong.  Nothing.  Obviously something is wrong and either he doesn't want to get into it or whatever, it drives me insane.  I just see it as being lied to and instead of him bringing the issue up, he just says nothing and goes back to being a terrible mood for the rest of our short time together.  

I asked again this morning what his deal is after he came in the living room, kissed me on the cheek with a curt 'bye' and started to turn around and walk away.  It feels like it's more than just the non-sex that's happening here these days, but he only replies with nothing.  Then I give him the look, you know the one, and he finally speaks up that I should know what's wrong and implies that I just don't care.  I just didn't have the energy and he needed to go anyway.  I sat on the couch and stared at him standing in front of me.  I looked back to my phone and said it's 6:30.  He left.  

Two hours and no text.  Same thing happened yesterday morning after we didn't have sex in the shower.  That's a tricky subject anyway.  He loves shower sex.  I hate shower sex.  And so it goes.  He was pissed when he left yesterday too.  He tried to make some moves while we were still in the shower, I knew time was running out and he needed to leave for work.  (We generally shower together every morning.  I leave while he's still in bed for the gym, I usually wake him up when I get back and we end up showering together.  It bums me out when he's gotten up and gotten one without me.. like this morning.. but I knew he had to be there semi-early.  I tried to leave the gym early to make it back in time for it.. anyway).  

I know he's feeling neglected.  I get it.  I really do.  

I'm spent though.  After getting up early to get to the gym to do my morning cardio, then coming home, getting laundry going, generally doing the dishes, straightening up before the kids get up, my day never stops either.  I have a few classes through the week that I head back to the gym for, so that makes my evening busy.. add in the kids' activities and I'm just spent.  Early bedtimes are over, the kids are staying up later, I'm getting in bed later than I should and that's with zero time spent with FM.  I just don't know how to get it all together.  

At the most, I'm getting 6 hours of sleep these days. I'm a sleeper.  I need sleep.  I always have needed sleep.  He can run on just a few hours where I cannot.  I get cranky, I get angry... I *need* sleep.  I'm on what needs to be a way stricter diet (nutritionally, not cutting way down. It's plenty of food, lol) and I get a little angry when I start getting hungry too.  I'm working really hard on new goals and I am just getting lost. 

It feels like I've finally found something that is me and while he is supportive, he doesn't like it.  He doesn't like that I'm away in the evenings so much.  It's not because he has the kids, he's great with our kids, I think he just doesn't like that I am gone so much.  That is super aggravating, because it's fine for him to be gone.  He can run on the fire calls and do all the training, but he doesn't like it when I do something similar.  At least he doesn't have to worry about my safety, lol. 

I want to keep my head in this.  It really does take extreme focus and the right mentality, but lately it's getting harder.  I don't want to give up.  I don't want to stop.  I want there to be more hours in the day, but I can't change that either.  

I have more to say, I think... but I've got to run.  I can't even proofread this at the moment, so please excuse any typos or run-ons... or sentences that don't make sense. LOL.  We all know I tend to ramble, so excuse that too.  

Hopefully I'll find time this afternoon to come back and fix this post.