Thursday, October 24, 2013


I saw this on Pinterest and it spoke to me. I am not a lot of things. I am a lot of others. I don't fit into one specific group of people, ever. I've never found anyone who is exactly like me. And I'm fine with that. Really. 

I don't think I would like it if I did fit into a specific group. I'm sure I'd be annoyed by many of the people who were in it, lol. I like being different. I always have liked it.  I learned once that only 2% of the population have green eyes. I love that I have green eyes. 

After Monday's reconnection and then last night, I feel a million percent better.  It's the me I love to be. Aren't we all a little different? Most of us are closet spankos.. That's certainly not mainstream society. Even with the 50 shades uproar, which I have credited to bringing me (& Fireman) here, not everyone did that. They like the idea, but they don't do anything about it. They don't research to learn about the lifestyle and bring it up to their significant other. 

I crave this lifestyle. I crave these feelings of closeness. I go a little bonkers when I start to not feel it. I second guess everything. It's never been more true, this lifestyle saved us. I don't know that we would've made it without ttwd. I don't know that we wouldn't have, either, but I do know we would never have hit our maximum potential! I know that sounds crazy, but I know you all know what I mean. 

I finally feel (no pun intended! Lol) that he feels the way about me that I feel about him.  That was such a big struggle for me for the first years of our marriage. Now I know. I know and it does so much for me. So much for us. And I'm only assuming so much for him, too. 

I know whose I am, like the picture says. I belong to him. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Hope everyone is having a great week. :) 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

All better... For now.

I haven't had the words to write lately. I think it's been weeks since I've written a post. Fireman, I think, might know since he hasn't requested a post in quite some time. 

I was in a dismal place and I don't really know why. It wasn't just because of the deaths we'd both had in our families, it seemed something more. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I still can't. It just felt like I was drowning in everything. Completely overwhelmed with everything. At one point, Fireman & I actually fought over dishes. Dishes! It wasn't even a full sink load of dishes either and the ridiculous argument lasted for half the day. What the f%#*? I know, right? Dumbest. Argument. Ever. (Or at least since we began ttwd!!)

Speaking of ttwd, in our my hiatus from Blogland, we passed our 1 year milestone. I don't even think Fireman knows we did, but it's true. We've had bumps and some of us bruises-lol- but it's overall been a very positive experience. We're closer than we've ever been. I'm glad I did get the courage to bring it up to him. I still wish I could remember exactly what I said though, lol. I think my brain is selectively blocking it so I don't feel stupid, lol. :)

Back to my original post though... 
I couldn't take bring alone in my head any longer. I sent him a text, sort of opening the lines of communication between us. I was hoping to begin some sort of dialogue, but I really didn't know where our conversation would travel. 

Monday morning I told him that everything was messed up, that it was the same thing every week. We get connected on Monday, which I do love, but then the rest of the week, it feels like I'm on my own and we drift.... Then Monday rolls around and it begins again. 

Our texting convo wasn't going anywhere. I had to do something drastic for him to understand. He just wasn't getting it.  It helped. He understood, we got a LOT hashed out. He felt like I was disconnected during our spanking times... I thought I was doing good by not whining or saying ow, lol. Big misunderstanding between the two of us. 

He said something that I understood. Idk how to fix that connection aside to say that I think it resides in you to give yourself mentally instead of just physically. 

After we posed some good points, he texted: I'm blown away by our conversation today. There is a HUGE disconnect between us in what we anticipate it "expect" from each other. 

Well, we never talk. 

I guess that's true. 

....(more convo).... We are going to work on that. 

(Not trying to be rude here, just honest). You can't even enforce rules. How are we going to work on something else? 

You'll see. 

I'll see what? 

Tonight. You'll see. 
How were going to work on being more "vocal" about what you want. 

(Here's where I start freaking out slightly...) I don't know.

No more I don't knows. There's nothing for you not to know. Trust me. 

I absolutely trust him. With every part of me. The day dragged on, kids were wild, he was gone, it was slightly disastrous. He texted me at 8:45, Are the kids in bed?  Almost. Once you get them in bed, I want you showered. Ummm okay, I had already planned on that, but alright.., I didn't text that, just though it to myself. 20(ish) minutes later.. Status?  Apparently he was eager. I want you in position before I get there. 

I was.. I heard him pull in, got in place and waited. He took his time, but I did hear him come by our room to peek in and check. I heard him in the kitchen, heard him around the house, then finally he came in. 

He wasn't lying when he said I'd see. It was roughhhhh for me. Not the spanking, the task. Well, I guess the spanking part, too. That was 36 hours ago and I'm still feeling remnants of it. He was in HoH mode for sure. 

I was happy with the progress, but he is somewhat disappointedthat it was as hard (for me) as it was. And unfortunately he has a good point. I promised to keep working on it if he did. He said absolutely. 

Yesterday, the effects were obvious. I slept great Monday night, I woke up in a great mood. There was no arguing with the kids, no freaking out, none of that drowning feeling I had. Today, I'm still feeling good, but worried. I don't want us to lose the connect. 

I sent him a text about it. I'm supposed to remind him tonight that we need to have some quality time. And by quality, I mean spanking. That leads me to ask... How do you tell your SO that you need it? I have a very hard time with it. I can text it, but what about when you're together? 


Thursday, October 10, 2013


These words have been so hard to find. I've had this post titled for days, with ideas of how to say what, but when it came to it... I couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself write. I love writing. Even if I had zero followers and Fireman didn't read, I'd still write. 

I used to write letters to him all the time. I remember I wrote him one the night after we got engaged. I was awake, he was in bed. I sat on our sofa and looked in at him as words came to me. I gave it to him on our wedding day, I believe. He sent me a sweet card the day we were married also. We are note people. I do wish he would write to me more, even if it was just on here. Sometimes he does in a text or on Facebook. I love his words. He has a way with them also. 

We had another tragedy strike our family, this time on my side. A very important person in my life passed away. It was so strange being so close to the other passing we had just dealt with, but we can't control those things. My family rallied around each other through the unbelievably difficult time. I've never been more glad that I have such a large family. 

My husband couldn't have been any better to me during all of it. So many emotions, so many things I wish I could explain to help you understand, but I just can't. Lets just say, it was a complicated life this person led (long before I was born) and some of those people in his early life came around to make all of us miserable. We generally go about our lives pretending they don't exist, but when his passing occurred, there was no getting around it. 

I did just fine at the hospital, even the visitation. Then the morning of the funeral I lost it. I couldn't find anything to wear. I know that sounds unbelievably trivial, but I had just spent the day before shopping with other members of my family making sure they had something to wear. I bought one outfit myself, but wore it to the visitation. 

I had in mind to wear a dress, but then I hated everything I put on. Clock is ticking. We need to leave. I'm in panties and a bra. Fm is dressed and ready. Tears and my mouth are running at full force. Mad at myself for not planning ahead. Mad at myself for not bring ready. Mad because I don't know who I am. All I have is that I can look nice when we need to go somewhere and now I'm failing at that. 

At the visitation, I made small talk with the hundreds of people (oh yes, hundreds) that came to pay their respects. Some I didn't know, some I knew through other family members, some I did know. I swear the majority of them would say you look so nice, you always do. I heard it over and over. One person I hadn't seen in more than 15 years told me she couldn't believe I was grown up (knew her when I was a child) and that I looked pretty. She said oh you always have been so pretty though.  Fireman said the sweetest thing, she's always gorgeous. Melt. The lady just smiled at his sweet compliment and said I can tell you think so. 

My family, my mother's side, very much resembles each other. We are all blonde, with the same skin tone and eye color. We aren't all the same size, but we look like sisters. You can tell we are all related, so we always hear well, which one are you? Or okay, who do you belong to?  Extended family came in from out of town.  I hadn't seen these people in quite a while, in fact I believe it was their first time meeting my husband. They had never seen my children.  I happened to be at my grandmother's when they arrived, so I went out to help them in. 

Her first words to me: which one are you? I replied.. Oh yes, she said. The pretty one. I remember you. 

Don't get me wrong.  I'd be completely distraught if I never heard that I looked nice/pretty/whatever.  It just made me realize remember that I don't know who I am.  I don't know what people say about me after they meet me.  Or what they say after they've known me for a while. 

I don't have that strong personality that some people have.  The one where you know exactly who they are after you meet them.  I don't know if anyone can relate.  Maybe I've officially lost my mind, lol, it's been possible for quite some time.  

I can't name my favorite kind of music.  I like a little of everything.  I can't name a specific fashion trend. A style. A food group. I know my favorite color, but even with that I have more than one. I'm not like Fireman.  I knew who he was the instant I met him.  He has grown and acquired new (or I'm sure they were there all the time) interests.  He says he knew I was it the moment we met, but I don't know.  

So, that's why I've been absent.  I'm just a little lost. I'm lost in myself.  My thoughts are a little scattered and memories of my lost loved one are intwined with everything.  

I do hope October is better than September.  

I hope I snap out of this soon, but I don't know how it will happen exactly. 

I know I have a lot of reading to catch up.  I hope you're all doing well!