Thursday, June 27, 2013

Stick together :)

It's a little tricky in here lately. It's scary. What kind of people are adding up as the page views? Are they just anonymous lurker friends? Are they wives (or maybe husbands.. But we all know wives bring this up more) researching a new possible lifestyle? Or are they the media? Someone judging us for how we live and love?  There's no real way to know. I don't have any secret alerts telling me which type of person is reading... Although that would be pretty cool, lol ;) 

What we certainly can't have happen is for us to implode on ourselves. We are all leery. We're all a little touchy about some things. We all have different views on what could happen, what will happen, and what did happen. That's the beauty of our community, though. We always cherish each other's outlook, it's different than our own. Another blogger's outlook gives us ideas about who we are, and who we aren't, sometimes. 

If you choose to stay, we're here. If you choose to leave, we're here. There will always be a friend here for support, love, and help. I don't feel like anyone is judging anyone else for staying or leaving. I think we all know we have to do what's right for our own families. I don't think anyone truly knows how far this media coverage will go. It is certain that its only a matter of time before we are all looked over, as they move on to something else. 

We have to stay strong either way. :) 

On a very positive, great end note, I'm so glad that little Emily is progressively getting better!!! We are all still thinking of you all and sending love and prayers! 


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The critics...

I *think* I am up to speed on what's been happening in our community lately. I've read different articles, if you even want to call them that. They don't inform of anything and the definition is:

3. A nonfictional literary composition that forms an independent part of a publication, as of a newspaper or magazine.

To which, I'm sure some, if not most, of the statements in these "articles" are actually fiction. I'm not afraid. I'm not fearful for my life. And while we are both have strong religious beliefs, we don't do this for any higher power. 

I will go back through my posts and make sure there's nothing that could out Fireman & I. I guess it's always possible, but I'm not going anywhere. I've sucked at blogging lately, just because we've been so busy. I've not even checked a message board in months. 

We've almost hit the 6 month mark of doing ttwd and my only regret is that we didn't start it sooner. The connection we have, the closeness we feel, the even better between-the-sheets life, that I honestly didn't think could get better, for the record ;), the confidence my husband now has with everything, it's hard to see what critics could be all hyper about.  

How does what we do effect other people? Bonnie had a great analogy with same-sex marriage. Even if you are against it, who cares? Why does it become your mission to save someone else?  

I'm sure this craziness and confusion will die down. The critics will move on to some other group they need to fix and help out of their perceived miserable situation. Hopefully our bloggers who have felt unsafe will return. It sucks to not have everyone here, our community feels incomplete.

I hope nothing else surfaces, but I'm almost waiting for it. In the meantime, I'm asking for maintenance tonight... I need it. I feel bad for the critics. They'll never have this type of relationship with their significant other... 


Bear Hugs for Emily :)

Thinking about Jim, Christina, Emily & their family!! Big hugs and prayers! 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Vacation :)

Last night was maintenance... The first maintenance in over a week! Generally, I'm not so good without it.. Not behaviorally, but emotionally, I guess. I don't know how we managed without ttwd. It hasn't even been a year, actually it's only been half a year, but it's so much better with it.

I feel him. And it's not just feeling his hand on my behind, lol :) 

I think, with us, I am always wondering how he's feeling and how he's thinking. I'm super self-conscious of stupid things and I think the root if a lot of our fights and disagreements pre-ttwd were because of it. But now, I read him way better than I ever did. I still can't always tell, but I pick up on his little touches or hugs and I know what they mean. 

I haven't had much to write about lately, we've been going along with life our busy life very well. All last week we were on vacation at the beach!! It was a great trip and there were some bumps, but not with us. He did pack the hairbrush, lol, but never used it. I don't know if he never used it because he had no reason to or more because he never had the opportunity. Lol, I think we will go with because I was good ;) 

During maintenance, I was instructed to write a blog post today. He said he loves reading my posts and told me again how I should become a writer. I've been thinking about it, but I don't know. What if I actually can't write? Lol. Or what if I can't write a story that's interesting and long enough? I'm thinking about it... I've been published before, in middle school, for a short story newspaper. I've always loved writing... It's appealing :) 


I think everyone is probably aware that Christina's daughter is very, very sick. If somehow you aren't, here is Rogue's update please continue to pray for them. Having a sick child is so hard and her other children, I'm sure, are having a hard time as well. 
Prayers & love from Fireman and I for little Emily. 


Friday, June 7, 2013

I wonder why....

It seems driving is an easy way for me to figure things out or go through different, random thoughts. I'm in the car so often and while I'm always very alert to what's going on around me, I'm also always busy sorting things out internally. I seem to tune out the radio or movie, since the kids always want to watch a movie on even the shortest car ride, and organize thoughts. 

This morning while taking #1 to her last day of VBS, I started to wonder why ttwd works. Why does maintenance (or even punishment....) leave me in such a good headspace and leave me feeling so close to Fireman? Why does having a 60/40 or 55/45 or even 51/49 relationship work the way it does? 

I saw a comment, i think it was June (forgive me if I got it that wrong!!) made on another blog post in blogland about how equality doesn't really work. (I'll have to go back and see her exact quote, but it did have to do with equality, lol). 

I remember at the beginning of Fireman and I living together, we had an "agreement" on dishes. We'd take turns. Do you think that worked out? Nope. Not at all. Then I'd get frustrated and eventually we'd argue over something stupid. Equality didn't really work for us then, but we couldn't see it. We weren't ready to see it, I suppose.  I do this, so you have to do that, isn't the way I want to live. 

Sure, we are both equally important to our relationship. But, as fireman likes to say... Only one person can drive the car, both people in the front seat, but only one driver. I've handed over the keys for good. :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend! 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

I owe you a do-over...

I set out two different times earlier in the week to write blog posts, but never made it. The kids are loving swimming and being outside, so most of my time is spent in the sun. Unfortunately, I wasn't careful myself last week on our first pool visit and I got sun-poisoning. Ouch =\  I am usually a tanner, but I guess I jumped right in, instead of warming up to the rays...  The good news is, I've learned my lesson and I will be super vigilant with myself for sunscreen. 

I swear, it was so bad I half expected a spanking for being so thoughtless!  I'm always careful with the kids. I never want them to burn!  Oh well. Live and learn. 

Saturday evening we had a great maintenance session and reconnect. He initiated (again! Yay!) and it worked like a charm. However... Sunday wasn't so great. I guess I was dreading his going out of town on Monday and ended up being (in my words) a complete pain in the ass. It just kind of stormed into a not-so-great place to be. Monday morning he was up and gone before I was awake and it was awful. 

All week our texts were just kind of short and business like. How are the kids? Good. How are you? Fine. Horrible! Eventually I said it was just all weird because he didn't left on the best terms. Plus, I get super depressed when he's gone. We were busy, so that did help. If I just had to sit here and stare at laundry that needed put away or watch tv alone, it would've been much worse. 

I had plans in my head for when he got home. I thought, well. I don't really know what I thought. Sometimes it's fine. Sometimes it's not. I know he has/had to leave for work sometimes. It's certainly not as bad as it could be, but with us being in a semi-argument.. It was hard to forget. 

I blew it. That's really all there is to it. He left yesterday evening and drove hours to get home. Hours. I was excited to see him. I waited up, in just a tank and cute panties even! But, I completely blew it. I was crabby and tired. I didn't let him see how happy I really was for him to be home. I just sat on the couch browsing Pinterest. I can hear you, I know, I'm a complete jerk! Oh wait. It gets much better worse. 

I'm just going to bed. Are you staying up? No, I'm going to bed. He walked in front of me and sat on my side of the bed in spanking position. This is definitely what we needed, but I have no idea what was going on in my head. I was not having it. 

I'm really tired. I know. No, really. I know. (I'm sure he was thinking.. Uh, I was just in the car for 5 hours. I'm tired too). I patted his side of the bed. He patted his knee. I tried to hang on to some control and keep my panties. Wrong. He yanked them down. Well, I'm not counting. He continued. I just couldn't get in the right head space. Completely defiant. Still not counting. Throwing a few Owwwww's in there, but oh. It was a train wreck. 

He just stopped. You're done. Uh oh. I completely went to far. I just stayed. He didn't say anything. In my mind, I was completely picturing this being the end and him not initiating. Great job, Elle. You've ruined everything! He was doing so well, too! I just laid there silently until finally, I said you're done. Great. 

We laid in silence. I played on my phone until I was out of candy crush lives and watched an old Big Bang Theory from the DVR. Eventually I just rolled over, but scooted near him and fell asleep. 

I thought about changing things. Surrendering (is that the right word?) everything, getting up, taking off what little clothes I had on, and begging him for a do over. I just couldn't do it. I think not only was my head not in it, I was exhausted. I sleep terribly when he's gone, so that when he's finally back, I'm ready to just sleep

He slept in a tiny bit later than usual, but got up and got in the shower. #1 had bible school today, so my alarm was going off too. I woke up in a slightly better place. I went in, brushed my teeth and cleaned my face. He was at the sink and I was just standing near the hallway staring at him. Really, I was convincing myself to give in. Say you're giving the do-over. Say it! I swear I was screaming it to myself, lol. 

He knew there was something, but had no idea of what. What is it? I stood there. Really? What? He walked closer. Quietly I almost whispered... I owe you a do-over. Faint smile and he headed immediately for the bedroom. 

I climbed back to my place and he rubbed for a minute. He's not great at the lecture, but I think he's probably going to try to work on it. He started right in with the hairbrush. Can someone seriously tell me whyyyy I ever bought that thing? Twice!? 

Heyyyy, that's starting right off with the hairbrush? Well. You shouldn't have made me do the do-over. At least I was nice and offered it. That's true. And I really appreciate it. Whack. Whack. And on and on. He is getting better (eek) with administering the difference between maintenance and punishment, but he hasn't punished for much else, so I guess we will see. He probably could've kept going. I definitely deserved it. I probably deserve more tonight. My behind will be mad at me for saying that since it's still a little sore, even now, but I still feel badly about what happened last night. I guess I will wait and see how he feels tonight. 

He sent some texts this afternoon about it being all good, but he also sent some of the lecture... That I think if he would've said earlier, during, I would really feel like it was taken care if. If any of this makes sense... It feels like I'm rambling, lol. But, as of right now, I still feel bad. I feel like I deserve it more.. Ever felt like that? How do you get past it? Ask for more? Wait? 

We will see.