Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Taking consent vs not following through....

First, an update since it's been quite a while since my last post. I've had plenty to post about, but with the end of #1's school coming up, tball games, dance class, pictures, recitals, practice, etc etc etc.. Everything had been busy. 

The baby is doing okay from his surgery. Every so often he has to have more pain medicine, but he's mostly doing okay. No big fits like he was throwing. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for him. 

The family thing has been cleared up also. Instead of just bitching and complaining to fireman about it, I actually said my words to the people I had the issue with. They sat unresolved for about 24 hours, then everything worked itself out. 

Our dd life is not great, though.  Not at all. I haven't had any spankings, maintenance or otherwise, since before FM was out of town.  Even since we had our last sit down, come to Jesus talk, I've not had one punishment spanking. We worked everything out too.. Or so I had thought. We had a small list of rules, since he was having trouble on how to punish for what. We had a plan on what to do if I tried to say no. We had a plan for just about everything. He was even talking about upping maintenance, since it generally works out well for both of us. 

But, nothing. I think there's only been a handful of maintenance spankings since then. I'd guess less than 5, but I don't know for sure. 

So, my question is... We always talk about how it's not right for us to take back consent, right? What about no follow through? No meaningful words? No truth.  
I mean, that's basically what it is. No truth

I know there are women who complain about what a hard-ass their HoH is, or how he won't let anything slide. (I don't think there are any on blogger, that I read regularly, but I've seen it on message boards or whatever..). I have to think that's WAY better than having one who is completely disinterested and couldn't care less. 

If you're unfamiliar with this kind of HoH, I'll fill you in. It makes you feel like you're not a priority. You're not important enough to deal with and/or hold accountable. All the words you've discussed and plans you've laid out mean absolutely nothing. 

I can hear some of the other side of the argument as well. I'm an adult. I shouldn't need my husband to punish (? For lack of a better word) me when I let my car get too low on gas or don't do the previously discussed required loads of laundry.  I get that. But that's not how this lifestyle is supposed to work. I'm not supposed to be the only one doing my half. Or doing my 49%, I should say. 
You can do 49 with the other person not doing 51. 

I've made little comments about how it doesn't matter, he's not going to do anything about it anyway. Oh, we'll see, he'll say. So then I'll just say mmhmm, I guess we willAnd what happens? Nothing

Since he's returned from being out of town, everything has been so weird and distant between us. It's not just me, even though he fails to see it that way. He thinks it's my issue with the fire departments. It's absolutely not. 

My issue is not being important in his life. I feel like I compete with everything else. His parents, the fire station, all of it.  It feels like on so many occasions, the minute he gets home, his parents (dad, mainly) are out there, making it even longer before he walks through the door. FM will swear its coincidental that he was already out when he pulled up, etc.  He doesn't see how frequently it happens, it's not a coincidence. They want to know everything. And because he thinks I have issues with the fire station, he won't tell me. Then, when we are together with his parents, I'll overhear him telling them something he's excited about. Meanwhile I'm sitting there, completely out of the loop. 

This same thing happened when he got back from the fire conference thing. He'd been gone the entire week. The people he was with left way later than he'd wanted to, so he was home later than he'd liked. I get a text *Let me in, I'm home!
I send a flirty *Make me* back... And I receive nothing. Okay... Maybe he doesn't realize I was playing. I go to open the door and what do I see? His dad out in the driveway talking. Seriously? 

I'm still so exhausted. I could cry on command right now. The kids are wearing me completely thin, so much running, so much going on. And he doesn't get it. He just adds to it. 

Our anniversary was very recently. It was just weird. He posted an outrageously extravagant post on Facebook... He sort of sent roses, which is VERY unusual for him. I don't think he's ever actually bought me red roses before. And we've been together for ten years. He took us all out to dinner to a place we never go.. But it was all weird. It was like forced and unusual. 

Honestly, I tried to get past it, but it was impossible. He's weird too and he won't tell me why. He just says it's me. But I'm the one who went to bed with just pants and a tank, no panties or bra.. And I wasn't even touched. 

So.. I think there's no dd here. I'm over the up and down. I'm over him swearing things will be different and he'll not half-ass things this time. It's a let down. I think I'll just go back to doing things like I used to, because at least then I knew what to expect. 


  1. I'm so sorry things are not running smoothly, in any relationship there are many ups and downs, especially ttwd/dd. Have you guys tried setting aside a time even if just for a few mintues a day to just talk... no dd, no drama, just about your day? The biggest issue my husband and I had was lack of communication and even though we spoke, neither of us really listened. When we first implimented ttwd, it was like a roller coaster because we both resented each other for things but never expressed it (besides yelling or shutting down). He did it to try to make me happy, but felt like he was babysitting me, and I fought him on rules and punishments because I was angry/worried because he was becoming more distant in the marriage. I hope you guys can work this out.. remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel!

    1. Thanks Tasha. You're right about the light, it just seems like I'm not even close to the tunnel. I think one of my biggest peeves is for him to do something just because he thinks I want him to. I want him to do things because HE wants to. I think that's our biggest problems.

  2. I know that feeling. The problem for us is mostly stress. That and my own defiance. I say that I want DD but when it comes time for a punishment I back out every time. Part of me wants him to push the issue but then maybe not. I have whining down to a science. Working on that.

    When he steps up, I have already submitted to him. He doesn't want to push me. He wants my willing submission. I keep thinking that if ttwd were easy, more people would be doing it.

    Whether you end dd or try to keep it going, you are going to have to talk to him. My Dragon said that he really wants to have the option of spanking even if he isn't using it very often. I just try to take what comes. One day at a time.

    1. I need to do the one day at a time. I get wayyy too far ahead of myself and then the stress and anxiety ruins everything.
      Thanks Rose.

  3. I'm so sorry you're feeling fed up Sweetie. I remember just how hard it got at times with young children, a four day a week job and a husband who was away most of every week. I even used to ride to the pub (yes, you heard correct - on horseback!) every Wednesday lunchtime and drink 3 pints of draught cider and chat and laugh with all the locals, mainly men from the village, because I was so completely and utterly tired and fed up. My horse used to see me safely back home across the fields. We jumped some huge ditches and I don't even remember them. I had in laws on my back on a frequent basis as well. They even moved right across the country to live near us! And then my sister and brother in law did the same. Our time was rarely our own. And that could be your problem perhaps. You don't have time just for the two of you.

    Is there any way at all you could get a babysitter or neighbour on a regular basis? Once a week would be great. It needn't be the same night. You don't need to go anywhere expensive. Just get out on your own and have a good time! Forget Dd, forget the father in law, forget the fire station, forget housework and child looking after. Just have a good time! You are both young and you will be old before you know it (like me!) and you mustn't waste a single second.

    Have some Good Girl spankings! Push the boat out with some stockings high heels and sexy knickers! Cover his bits with icecream or chocolate sauce and lick it off!

    Believe me, your dynamic will return. You will get a whole new impetus. It will be renewed and reinvented. But love, you mustn't push him away or build up worries if you can manage it. I used to do that and it made things worse. It's only now that I can look back and wish things had been different. We came through it all okay, but I still regret some of the things I said and some of the things I did. I think you've got a good man there; and you are a sweetie! Have courage. You will be fine. Just listen to an old girl.

    Here's lots of hugs and positive thoughts,


    1. Oh Ami, I love you! You hit so many good points.

      I get entirely overwhelmed. We have a small house, but I think all I do is pick up and pick up and it's still a mess. The kids are a handful and I wouldn't change them for the world, but it would be fantastic to have a minute to myself. So engines he gets it, the majority of the time, he doesn't.

      The sending time together is a huge problem we have, too. We haven't gone on a 'date' since early in the year. We planned one, then it fell through. I even gave him all control for it. I wanted him to take it to extreme, even. But it never happened and hasn't since. I haven't asked for a date night, so it hasn't happened. I haven't tried to plan, so nothing happens. It's just aggravating.

      I would be up for any of that, but it just seems like nothing ever works out. I'm tired of being the one who plans everything or it doesn't happen.

      I know you're right,but right now it's hard to see it.

      Thanks so much, Ami.

    2. It seems to me that your home has a great deal of love in it!

      When our children were very small and everything was a mess, especially at the end of each day, Starman's grandmother used to call round. She would say, "Just gather everything up and put it ALL in one place and sort it when you feel your are able to do so. Then everywhere will appear to be tidy. Then pour yourself a big sherry and drink it!" Actually I don't like sherry and I do like gin and tonic, but I did listen to her. She sadly didn't live to see my youngest past the age of two, but I remember her well. She was a cornerstone of our little church, and had worked in social services for years helping unmarried mothers, some as young as twelve, and their babies. That woman was incredible. Nothing phased her. If you need someone to have a moan at, please feel free to email and moan at me. Even if I am too far away to physically help, I am a good listener and would be very happy to support you - to support you both.



    3. That's great advice, she sounds like a wonderful lady :)
      Thanks Ami. I might take you up on that sometime :)

    4. Hi Elle,
      I remember the days you are talking about. Little kids underfoot. He's learning how to man up. Inlaws still haven't been put in their place. Here's a couple of things that may help (learned the hard way, I might add).

      When he's coming home from a hard day he wants to walk through the door too. You'll get farther by making a joke out of his father laying in wait for him than by criticizing so that he feels the need to defend them.

      Get some time alone. It doesn't take much planning. Go for a walk.

      I would be more concerned about the sharing if I were you than anything else. What we do all day is a huge part of our lives and if he doesn't share that with you, distance is inevitable. Don't ask him how his day was, ask him if so-and-so is still doing this-and-that. Ask him if it was tough to figure out how to do whatever. Get a book and read up on what he does. Watch a firefighting movie and listen when he makes fun of them. Make him want to get across that lawn and through the door to share with the person that 'gets him without trying to fix him'.

      The connection made will invest him in your day and the relationship can snowball from there.

      Hope a little advice from an old dinosaur helps. Too bad the Inlaws are next door. It's one of the toughest things on a marriage.


    5. Bea,
      Thank you so much. You helped me see it a different way. I try to back away (after I've cooled down... Lol) and look at it, but your outlook is still different than that. I completely need to realize he needs to come home, too. He has had a long day, even though he loves his job, it's still work.
      Thank you again!!

  4. Hi Elle

    Wow I just went through a very similar thing and did end up taking consent. It was the first time and I did it because I needed to be sure that H is 100% with it and not doing it just for me. Things have works out and we did it through lots and lots of talking.

    I get how you feel, I feel so stressed out during the day, left alone with four kids, two dogs and a far too big house to clean for one person. My problem is that I have noone really who could or would give me a hand and to be honest I learnt a long time ago to not expect anything.
    But I do expect the help of my husband, I need to feel he's there for me and I can lean on him and if I don't feel that, I start to get really low and doubt everything.

    But in these past few weeks where my life sort of turned upside down, I've started to see things from his point of view. I'm seeing the stres that he has at work, the huge responsibility he carries with him with his family ( us ) and how hard it is for him to have to switch from WORK mode to HOME mode and I try to be more understanding of this. I'm trying to be understanding of the fact that he needs some down time when he gets in from work and needs time before he can switch his brain to my needs. He's also trying to understand my stress and anxiety levels from my working day at home and let me vent or maybe let off steam and turn a blind eye to somethings.

    It's hard to explain, but it's trying to see through each others eyes, sort of like, he's not being inconsistent, but understanding, or I'm not being defiant, but stressed.

    As a couple we've gone through a lot together, some harder than DD, with lots of emotional baggage, but ttwd is emotionally draining, it can only work through communication, believe me, I have been were you are and we're still trying to crawl out step by step. It's hard but you can do it.

    You've been given some great advise by others, all I can say is talk to each other , and not just five mins here and there but really put a side some time where you feel comfortable and calm and have no distractions and talk.

    I really feel for you and wish that things work out.

  5. Thanks Missy. I'm glad you guys have worked everything out. You're right, some things are harder with dd,but it's worth it. I'm sure we'll get back to it. But it's going to take changes, from both of us.

  6. elle, I go through this on a rotating basis.

    As far as the kids go Ami is right. One big toy box, and dump it in! LOL. I used to clean up only after dinner. Take an hour run around, vacuum what not. The house is ready for the next day and full of promise. There are plenty of other 'things' that can be done during the day with them around. When it is nap time, it should be Mommy time. The mess will still be there when you get back. Besides the world isn't going to end if you have an untidy house for a bit :)

    As for FM. Here is what I have learned, and by no means does this mean I am good at 'seeing' this at the time while I am living ( like right now!) my being upset and distancing, (mostly because I can't find the words, or am too hurt to trust them) slams the door on Barney. He becomes paralyzed. He says in calmer times the next time I distance, he will take action, but never does. Is it hurtful? You bet! But the thing is, I think they can't follow through at times like we can't find the words at times. Does that make sense?

    Today, Barney was running around trying to fix something for me, that had him going all over the city. It was his day off, and the last 2 times he's had days off it has been a nightmare. I just wanted today to be perfect. I wanted him to stop trying to fix this thing, and spend time with me. This also included maintenance, which I found out later wasn't on the bottom of his list it wasn't on his list at all! Meaning *I* wasn't on his list at all. Sure I should have said all of this to him, but why should I have to AGAIN? We've talked about this so much I feel I should plop a binder down in front of him and say, " Page 30, starting at paragraph 12, sub text A " And WHY shouldn't he try and maintain too? Doesn't he want to? Why isn't he using the tools we decided we were going to use? The thing is he has a life and ideas outside of mine, and while I don't ever seem to 'leave' this blasted house, and am always concentrating on him, his mind does go elsewhere.

    I guess it is the same old story of us living it so much because we are home, and they having to get their 'head back in the game'. I suppose they really don't realize how important it is for us to feel 'noticed'. I once told Barney I felt like wallpaper. I also said when you don't notice things that I have done that we agreed on, or haven't done that we agreed on, it makes me feel like what I do around her isn't important. Therefore I don't feel important. He understood that, at least for a couple of weeks.

    I don't know what the solution is, although I do know that communication is still key, even if we have to continually communicate the same thing over and over again. Testing doesn't seem to be working ( here either) and in the long run, they get frustrated with that because really it is a form of control on our part.

    I guess I just wanted you to know, you are not alone. We are 8 months into this thing, and every step is a struggle over here. I don't give up because when things were good, I loved it so much, and I hope to be there again some day. Take a deep breath, give yourself some time to think on what you can do, don't think of what he hasn't done, because you really can't control his actions. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off ( again) and do what you think you need too. My favourite saying has become, fall down seven times, get up eight.

    love, willie

    1. Hugs Willie. I know what you mean. It does feel like wallpaper sometimes, but I have to say, fireman does try to notice things.
      You're right. Communication is 1000% key. Blogging helps us tremendously. It gets all of my thoughts in one place with no interruption and me not getting mad at him for taking something the wrong way.
      Every time I have a post like this, he texts and says how thankful he is for my blog.
      Maybe one day we will both figure it out ;)

  7. I remember those days well. The kids were little and needed so much of my attention I couldn't wait for him to come home from work because I missed him and wanted to have someone to talk to help with the kids and he would be so tired and beat. We didn't go out unless I set it up and I felt as if I was the one who always had to initiate any kind of intimacy. I felt unloved, unwanted and as if I weren't a priority. Whenever we talked (argued) about it I felt as if I were whining or I resented him because I felt as if I had to beg him to give me his attention. I gave up for a while and was even more miserable. We eventually started to have people over sometimes to play cards or just visit, it gave us a chance to relax and enjoy ourselves and then my neighbors daughter was old enough to babysit and we were able to get out more and reconnect. Don't give up it will get better.

    1. Thanks MrsD. We have completely realized we need some us, fun time too. I love my kids more than anything in the world, but sometimes we need to recharge. :)

  8. Why not get a divorce?

    1. I wasn't going to post this, but you're my first anonymous post, so you get the privilege.

      And to answer, I said vows. I meant them. I still do. While we have bumps in the road, neither of us is giving up. This lifestyle makes sme things tricky, but it's also the best thing that we've found. :)

  9. Oh Elle,
    This is like reading my life right now. I have 5 kids At home, are the 3 , 10, 12, and 15 year old. I am constantly running them. The little one I call hurricane she just tears apart the house everyday. My Guy works 7 days a week an hr from where we live so he is gone almost 90 hrs a week. Then as soon as he gets home he showers has a quick bite and is out the door m-t to another activity. So our day starts at 430 when I get up and make him breakfast and pack his lunch while he is in the shower and he is off. And then he is usually home for the night between 9 and 930, and we go to bed at 1030. We live in a very very small house and with no time alone w/o the kids maintaince or gg spanks or even discipline is not happening. We talk and (we have been at this for 7 months ) in the beginning he made it and me a priority and that has just fallen away. We are just going thru the day to day. I feel like we are getting farther apart. He says he will be more consistent, we discovered we both are a bit spanko, but never having time or making time I feel like it and I aren't as important to him as everything else. We are trying but it is so hard. I dont feel like I should have to ask all the time for it, I'm not suppose to be in charge any more. Im sorry this is so long I just wanted to say your not alone. I have read all of your posts and love them all. I wish I had blog but he says no. Please be patient the season of little ones it does pass. And hopefully you will reconnect real soon.
    Thinking of you

    1. Gigi, maybe tell him that the blog could just be for the two of you? You could make if private so that only you could see it. At least you'd be able to get your thoughts down and he could read them. It really helps us.
      I posted in am above reply that every time we have a bad day and I get to blog, he texts or tells me how happy he is that I have one. It really helps us.
      It sounds like you have it rougher than I do, you're so strong!!
      You're right about little ones being a hurricane, lol :) that is for sure!
      Thank you for all your kind words. Email me anytime to talk!
      Firewife0506@gmail.com :)

  10. I so completely understand this post. Gestures are nice but when it is obvious that you are not a priority, even when you make sure he (and everyone else is)...ugh.

    Sorry, I am not helping at all, am I? I just 'get' this post. I'm right there with you.

    Big hugs,
    Elisa Xo

    1. I think it's obviously something that happens. Maybe it's a male/female thing. I don't know.. It's better here, a lot better. Hope things turn around for you, too ;)
      Hugs, Elle

  11. Only reason why I asked is cuz u seem so unhappy and it sounds like he's gone so much there his kids to he should be helping

    1. If that's what came across, then I'm being unfair or you're misunderstanding. I'm not at all unhappy. Of course there are ups and downs in every relationship. I don't always blog about the happy. It's always easier to write when I'm mad or aggravated. Actually, you've mad me realize I need to blog about the happy stuff more, so that it doesn't seem like I'm so dreadfully unhappy and on the verge of divorce.
      We've been there. This is a million miles from there. :)

  12. Elle, I am so sorry. I don't know what I can say further to the wonderful advice above. As Ami said, are you able to get a sitter and find regular time out for yourselves, to talk and reconnect?

    I hope you are able to work through this together and move foward.

    Sending huge ((Hugs))

    1. That's exactly what we are going to try to do. Thanks Roz!!

  13. First off, good for you for the way you replied to that anonymous comment. I'm glad you see it as having bumps in the road, and not something that should right away point to divorce. There are too many people today who say vows for the hell of it, and really don't mean them .. good for you for knowing they mean something and for not giving up. :)

    I can relate to a lot of this, because Colin sometimes makes me feel the same way .. if he's not putting in the work for the DD aspect of the relationship, why am I?

    I think it takes a lot of communication and a lot of hard work to make this kind of thing work. Maybe sit down with him, when it can be just the two of you, and get everything out on the table? Tell him how you feel, tell him you want to understand where he's coming from, and hopefully something will come of that.

  14. I don't feel I can really add more. I was thinking along the same lines as Bea when I went to write. Sometimes if we can put the complaints aside (we ALL do them) and start showing support, and make light of things, they can start to relax and trust us again. Even if it wasn't our fault they stopped trusting in the first place.

    I know for me, I first of all flat out apologized to the Duke. I told him how sorry I was for what ever I did that made him think I couldn't share about his day. I told him I loved him, and that I really wanted to be there for him. I told him how I wanted to share in his successes and help comfort him in the failures. And then from there on in, tried to be very supportive. It worked. He still doesn't talk a lot, but more than he used to.

    As for the kids, it can be helpful to create times where it's their quiet time, or Mom's time. Start small, 2 minutes at a time of Mommy time, or 15 minutes of quiet time, and build up to what you need. A lot of mom's I know, when they say it's Mommy time, the kids know that for at least 10-15 minutes they are to entertain themselves, and they have an area they play in during that time.

    {{{HUGS}}} Hoping it all starts looking up for you. I know all too well how much it hurts when they don't step up. You do, you do feel unloved, unimportant, and discarded. {{{HUGS}}} Is there something he's not feeling loved in? Maybe you could show him love in that area.