Asking for it...

I swear, I have set out to write this post 4 times. I just can't get enough time to myself to get my thoughts written down in a readable way. I get sidetracked... Unfortunately not with laundry, lol.  It has seemed to pile up in mountainous form.  

We've been slightly disconnected again. It takes a while to figure all this out, I guess. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but it's true. If there's one thing I could say to new, beginning ttwd/dd couples: It would be it takes a while to figure it out!  It truly is wonderful and magical, but there are bumps and twists. It's not as easy as other couples (bloggers!!) make it look. But, like my favorite saying.... It's worth it. 

We have always had rules, they just haven't really been enforced. He doesn't want to seem like a hard-ass, but I see it as uninterested. He has a laid back outlook on things. He's not tightly wound like me and generally not stressed. The combination of all those little details can make a storm in my brain. 

Sometimes he says something gives direction and it's entirely serious to him. To me, it's more half-hearted and just said in more of a joking-around manner. The other night, I didn't set out to test the limits on this, but it ended up that way. I wasn't quite sure exactly how far he'd let it go... The answer was a surprising one that left us in a bit of turmoil. I ended up stomping off going to bed alone, while he stewed on the couch. 

The next day, all was better after we talked via text during the day. We came up with an idea, because I had honestly thought he was just teasing around. A "safe word" approach when I'm not taking him seriously. It's easy, it can be used in public or private. Great idea, right? Except we didn't implement it immediately. 

I swear we are like a book on what not to do sometimes, lol. Turns out, wayyyyy too much time had gone by since we had maintenance. I felt completely ignored, he just thought I was being difficult. I went back to feeling unimportant and thinking he wasn't into it. 

One thing we get right eventually? Talking. Sooner or later one of us can't stand it and initiates a conversation. For the majority of the time, I think he waits for me. If he lets me text first, he knows I'm ready. Otherwise, he thinks he runs the risk of being shot down. He's never actually said this, I'm just assuming :) 

Last night, we really talked. We defined a safe word. We talked about me using it when I felt like I needed maintenance. He's always said I should just tell him when I felt like I need it, but I can't get there. I cannot make myself say (or even text!!) the words. I think about it. I envision it, but I just can't do it. Have any of you ever asked for it? Does it feel weird? It just makes me feel like I'm trying to control the situation and that's not what I want. 

I didn't want to wait until the time before bed when maintenance occurs to find out if he was going to do it tonight though. I contemplated sending the text. One simple word was all it needed to say. But could I actually send it? 

Turns out I could. I'll let you know how it goes ;) 

Xo,
Elle