It's not really what I want. But I can't do it by myself. It's not 60/40 with the 40 putting in all the effort. This endless cycle has shown itself more than once in our 10 years together.
10 years tomorrow and we aren't even speaking right now. I want to pick up my phone and text him. I want to start a conversation, even if its more arguing. I want to know why he has once again started something without following through. Once again I've been promised and it's fallen through, because there are too many other things taking priority. Then again, I want to wait and see if he will text me.. But he probably won't.
Too many times I've been promised and nothing. Trivial things, like promising my kitchen would be 100% done after we redid it before #1 was born. It's still not 100%. Promising me, I mean looking me in the eye and swearing an appliance would be taken care of and not be a nuisance in my life. After 13 months, it still is.
I try to not get aggravated about it. I try to not let it bother me. I don't need things perfect or need a big, perfect house. I'm happy with everything we have. We are able to do things for our kids that we want and put them in extracurricular activities. I wouldn't trade that for a bigger house, but I work hard at making our home nice and it's ruined in a matter of minutes. And before you guys say it, I know it's impossible to have 3 kids, plus 1 extra and have a clean house. I know, that's not it.
I cleaned and organized our kitchen on Friday. It took me all day long, with chasing the babies and helping the girls. The child I babysit is a nightmare and I even managed her on Friday to get my kitchen to where I really wanted it. Drawers and everything were cleaned out. It just needed really organized. What did I see yesterday? Stuff piled on the counter and a complete dismissal that I had cleaned it.
It's just getting so old.
I didn't set out to write this post and make Fireman look like an ass. He's not. It's genetic. His mother will come over and complain about his dad all the time. And I've seen it. Nothing is ever finished. Always too many things going on at once, too many "priorities."
I don't feel like one of those priorities. It seems like everything is more important than me. Last weekend it was him being selfish. It's an endless cycle and I'm tired. I'm tired of it going so well when there's actually effort put in, then trying to ride the wave of effort instead of continuing to work.
Last night was yet another breaking point. I'm told (not by fireman) what's for dinner. Stupid time change, a headache, and this head cold that I've had for a week
Yes, I realize I sound like a brat. But sometimes I'm just not in the mood to listen to his mother complain about his dad, listen to his dad talk insanely loudly on a phone call, and try to get the kids to eat, all while the tv is blasting. It's complete overstimulation.
The kids were already gone when we started arguing. At this point, I don't even remember why it started but it was inevitable. Everything between us over the weekend felt forced. We weren't connected. We haven't been.
Friday night I actually thought we'd get to spend time together after the kids went to bed. Then, he asked if I cared if he went to hang out at the fire station. Well, if you want to go there, you obviously don't want to be here.
I know I'll hear it about that, how he rarely goes out there and it's been so long since he went. Yes, fine. I will not understand it. Ever. Most of those guys are unmarried and don't want to sit at home alone or with their parents, fine. But some of them have a wife and families. You're not 16 anymore and ... Ugh it just annoys me.
It hurts my feelings. Usually I really don't care, but come on. We've had zero alone time. It's been a stressful week with sick kids. I'm sick. Fireman was sick and I told him to get an antibiotic, which I went out and picked up, then he didn't take for two days.
I'm rambling. If you've made it this far, you deserve a yummy treat.
The cycle continues and then he follows me into the living room after I walked away. Then he gets into HoH mode.. Go to the bedroom. Abso-bleeping-lutely not.
I told him I was done. Actually done. I was tired of this cycle of fighting, then swearing we are going to talk about things and figure them out. Of course, there's no talking about it. At all. Then the cycle repeats itself. There might be a role-affirmation/maintenance thrown in, but no discussing. No figuring anything out. Nothing.
So, it's a tricky time here. I don't know what's going to happen. As of right now, no ttwd and I'm probably taking a break from blogger for a while. I don't want to be this whiny-complainy person that I have been lately.
I hope everything is going better for all of you than it is here.
xo,
elle
Ps, I want to add. I know this does make FM sound bad, he's not. He's the best. When he's in it.
I also tried to proof this, but teary, puffy eyes and a baby attacking are conducive to editing, lol.
I want to rewind to January when this was perfect.
I totally get this post. I could've written it myself many times. Life is so hard, especially when your little ones are, well, little. Motherhood is such a thankless job and so is housekeeping, especially when no one notices. Now that my children are older they notice things more. And you know what? I honestly feel kind of bad when they see that I've spent a lot of time and worked hard on something. Kind of like I fail every other day so much that when I actually do something, it's a big deal. Just know it's a season of life that you're in right now. FM is a good guy with good intentions and by tomorrow you may already be seeing things that make you feel less "whiny-complainy" and more cherished and loved. Really, hang in there. I promise you the sun will come up tomorrow and you'll get out of this funk in time. HUGS
ReplyDeleteThanks Subbie. I am tired of this funk! It needs to go! ASAP! :)
DeleteI'm sorry you are going through such a tough time and I hope you guys can work it out. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mischief. I know we will, he doesn't want to give up on dd. I don't either, but no more of this circle. Thanks :)
DeleteHey Elle... You need to do what you feel is best. My only suggestion would be to not make any decisions while you are not feeling well, dealing with the darn time change, stressed and probably running on very little sleep.
ReplyDeleteWait until you are feeling better and more rested and everyone has adjusted to the time change. Then you and Fireman can sit down calmly and rationally with clear heads and decide what path you want your journey to take.
Sending lots of prayers and healing energy your way.
Blessings,
Cat
Thanks Cat. You're right. I'm bad for making rash decisions in the moment instead of chilling out and thinking things through. :)
DeleteElle, can you email him this post as a way to begin some communication? I hope things get better!
ReplyDeleteSara
Thanks Sara. He does read my blog, but I don't think he's seen this one yet. He had a busy day at work yesterday and then we don't see each other til late on Monday's. I'll ask.
DeleteMen look at things so much differently than women. Most of us who have been married long enough have gone through some really bad periods of resentment and anger. For us, it took counseling. After many bouts of arguing, can't get past their hurts, walls, or whatever to even actually hear what is really being said. Counseling at first felt like we were 2 children giving our parent all the details of how the other is wrong and the cause of all the fighting. The counselor would encourage us not to interupt. That was hard, when you feel like they are making you look bad, and "that's not what I said". I remember after a session, we were both left fuming inside. When we got to the car, we started arguing. I remember at one point, I told my husband that I was not his enemy. I was on his side, and that is why I wanted to get things resolved. I told him that we could not accomplish what we were going to counseling for, if we didn't give all the details. HeI told him that if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't go through the work and expense of counseling, I'd just divorce him. He looked at me like a light bulb went off in his head. He started working with me in counseling, rather than just sitting there on the defense. Sometimes when we try to change our husbands, or they try to change us, we sooooo communicate the wrong way. We communicate in a way that says "You are unworthy". After a while, the more we do it, then no matter what we say, it's all they hear. Both husband and wife get a "what's the use, why should I even try" attitude. There is no incentive to do anything to please the other. At that point, a marriage can be in REAL danger. If what you both are doing, isn't working, it's time to do something different. If you can not do counseling, then maybe some reading or going to a marriage conference. It just gets to the point when a couple quits listening to each other, until someone shows them how to hear each other. Sometimes ADD plays a part of the unfinished projects. Sometimes it's just fear of failure. Sometimes it's depression. It doesn't sound like he has had a good example of how to go about things, by how you describe his parents. He may want to spend time at the firehouse, because he knows what he's suppose to do. He feels like he's not a failure there. Please don't give up. Please do something different. Many times the most impossible of marriages can turn in to a very beautiful one with just some professional "hints". I will pray that God will guide you and him, and that he will turn it all around for you both. God bless you and all you love.- Belle L. P.S. If you don't learn a better way, your children won't either.
ReplyDeleteWow Belle, that was a great response! I know that place you're talking about. We unfortunately have been there and thank God, we came out of it. That's a terrible place to be and Im sorry you've been there too.
DeleteWe aren't there now, soooo thankfully. We do need a better communicative style. We are back to none. We were doing so well at it!! Then it just stopped or slowly wore down.
I appreciate your heartfelt response and prayers. We will turn it around, im sure. He's already said he is sorry, etc and that he does want to be more present and live ttwd. We just have to talk more.
Thanks so much. :)
I had to laugh at this!
ReplyDeleteSorry ... ahem ... will try to be serious ...
Life can certainly be tiresome at times, don't we all know it? We complain, if not aloud then on our blog or to ourselves, which amounts to the same thing as far as we are concerned.
I want to ask: does your Fireman read your blog? If not, would it be a good idea to persuade him to do so?
I sometimes get the "You don't notice" thing. I reply, "When the place is dirty and/or untidy, it's noticeable; when it's clean and tidy, not so much." But I do try and comment if I notice a place looks as though it has had some housekeeperly attention.
I know. It is annoyingly humorous. It's so stupid!! I hate being in this place. There are so many other serious things to worry about.
DeleteThe good thing is, he did notice!! He just didn't help keep it that way, lol.
On a side note, I saw someone from the side yesterday and they looked like your profile pic. Lol :) you must have a look-alike in America :)
I remember the days you are living. He's growing up, you're exhausted, the parents still see you as kids. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteGo away for the weekend , if you can, or at least a regular date night.
If he's used to watching his dad tune out his mothers complaints then he'll tune yours out to. Tackle the issues in a way that she wouldn't.
I always found that I could wheedle and whine all I wanted but when I got the tools out and started to do it myself he'd step up and take over.
Google will tell you how to fix anything.
Take care,
Bea
Last word of advice: if you decide to get rid of the kids for the night, and meet hubby at the door wearing a skimpy nightie and holding a bottle of wine make absolutely sure that it's hubby before you open it, and not the neighbour kid. That young man never could look me in the eye after that!
Hahaha oh gosh!!!! That would be awful! Lol :)
DeleteI think we do need a date night or weekend. It's exactly what we are lacking, we just have a tiny babysitter problem. The last time we tried was two weekends ago.. We had Friday.. Then had to cancel to Saturday. Then it fell through again. We need to find an actual sitter, definitely.
Oh Elle
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this at the moment. Having four kids myself, I so understand the clean one minute a mess the next. Being a mum is a thankless job. Everyone just wants things and they don't ever see the effort it goes in to it. Men well they're just like big kids themselves. I don't think you're displaying FM as a bad guy, he's just a guy :)
If it makes you feel any better, my kitchen isn't completely finished, the upstairs, needs completion, and the garden is such a mess its embarressing. I get the I promise it will be finished by then and then, and it just doesn't happen. Not because he doesn't want to, but because things come up, and he has to decide which is more important. His important is not my important, so we argue over it.
Babe, its life, and I don't think that DD can solve these things, unfortunately. Life gets in the way of lots of things, you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start over again.
You're not moaning-whiney, we all have bad days. This community is very supportive, so come and vent, don't worry about how it looks, we've all been there, and we ALL understand :)
Hugs to you x x x x x
Thank you so much Missy :)
DeleteElle, I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. I'm sure all the illness and both of you being so busy hasn't helped. I hope you two can work through this. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteHuge (((Hugs)))
Roz
Thanks Roz :)
DeleteIt seems like the issues keep coming back to communication, being on the same page, choosing what are priorities together. Life keeps smacking at both of you from the side and you each tackle it as you can, but without that good communication, you are each doing it alone...sick...tired...overwhelmed. He is zapped of his leadership skills and you are zapped of your desire to be led. Round and round the cycle we go and trust me, I sure understand and we don't have a quarter of the stress that you two are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteElle...would he agree to one time a week where you two could sit down uninterrupted and plan, prioritize and talk through the stresses of the past week to try to avoid some of them in the next? LOL, I could deep clean our bathroom or kitchen and mine would never notice. He's just not wired that way and it sounds like your Fireman isn't either but that little stuff builds up and really leaves us feeling lonely.
Yes, I think he would definitely agree to it! Thank you Susie :)
DeleteElle, I can almost totally feel for you! I say almost because we didn't practice DD until our children were older (9 and 11). I can only imagine looking back to those "baby"days how hard this would be. It's very stressful having little ones, let alone sick little ones! My husband is still, after 21 years, the exact same way he's always been (sometimes consistency stinks)! He leaves things from projects he's working on on the kitchen table, leaves dishes on the coffee table, etc... You feel like you have another child, huh? I just accept he will never change so instead of fighting it, I clean off the coffee table and ask him nicely to put his tools somewhere else. As for going to the firehouse, maybe he just needed to decompress? Not fair to you, but maybe that's what you need, too? A night out with the girls? Then the two of you could go out and feel a little refreshed to really talk. I would suggest to try and not be accusatory but respectful, honest, and open. Showing your submission will allow him to see you are serious about continuing DD but may also make him feel more free to step up as leader. Best of luck to you both! Just think flowers, warm sun, sand, rainbows......there's a light at the end of the tunnel!
ReplyDeleteOh Elle Sweetie, we all understand this. We've all been there. You would not believe the unfinished parts of our house! Even though we're older it doesn't change. Your Fireman and my Starman would get along really well! We're the moaning minnies after all!
ReplyDeleteYou have all been ill and you are feeling very down and disconnected. Take lots of vitamin C and zinc tablets and also some echinacea. The former is recommended by Cat and did me no end of good, and the latter is my failsafe mechanism for recovery from colds. Leave the bloody kitchen till you feel better. I don't even clean my drawers out unless I get a mouse in them (which was last week unfortunately). Try to get as much rest as you can. Try to enjoy your children whilst they're young because I am very envious. You are having a similar meltdown to the one I had last week, and if I'm honest, mine is still set on simmer!
Things will turn around, you'll see. Things will improve and you'll soon be smiling again. Why not leave him a little love not where he will find it first thing? Then you can try to explain how you are feeling?
I hope things get better soon for you.
Many hugs,
Ami
Hi, Elle. I'm just a girl trying to figure it all out too, so take this for what it's worth. You got a lot of great advice already! So, I would add if you think you should text him, you should. Or, find some way to say it to him. What spins around and around in our own heads can be dangerous and we become our own worst enemies. Is what you are saying to yourself the same thing you are telling him? I hope this makes sense. I didn't want to write a novel.
ReplyDelete