A new Monday night ritual...

Submission feeds dominance, dominance feeds submission.... It's true. If he is wearing his HoH hat, I'm in the right state of mind. If I'm in the right state of mind, his HoH hat is easier for him to wear.
When that happens, I have no problems listening to him, following our rules, being how I want to be.  It is how he wants me to be as well, but for any critics of our lifestyle choice(s), it's how I want to be, too. 

I am loving the new us. We are visibly into it. I think we've both seen where we went wrong and we are making a conscious effort from now on. This it it, for us. We aren't going back. We've turned another corner and I've promised everything that I will not take consent back. 

I'm already doing much better with not setting him up to fail by having specific expectations. Saturday, I behaved less than my best. ::sad face:: I feel badly about it now and although my concern was valid, I took it to an extreme (imagine!) and flipped out... Slightly. I waited to see if there would be any repercussion, but there was not. We have fully discussed it, I know why he didn't (although if there is a next time, he will) and we're past it. Growth! Lol!

Turns out he was still leery of me. I had almost forgotten that I set this as a trial period, just because I was scared it would end up the way it did before, for 30 days. I thought it over and sent him a text:
*in for good.*
*Are you sure though? Bc I can't take the waffling again. It's brutal.* (ouch)
*I can't either. So you can't let me go so long that I think you don't care. I realize you do. But apparently I'm insane.*
*Ok. Yes. Periodically insane. But I'm good with it.* (lol) 

He told me he knows he may struggle with consistency. I told him that I know why he thinks he will. He doesn't want to come off as a hard-ass. While I do very much appreciate him looking out for my feelings, I told him... I'd much rather have the hard-ass than way too lenient. It just makes me feel like it's not important or that he doesn't care. Do you agree? Maybe those of you that have a stricter husband would like more lenient. Maybe it's a 'grass is always greener' situation. I think that helped him out though. 

To have some sort of routine, I suggested an idea for Mondays. Especially since Monday is always hard, he's gone at work all day, then has fire dept things to do all evening. It's a long day and it sucks since we've just enjoyed the weekend together. He liked the idea and also felt like it would help him feel more comfortable/confident in giving direction at other times. 

So now, every Monday, he will send me a text when he's on his way home. Generally, it's after the kids are in bed. If not, we will adjust. We are being flexible and not so rigid. The text is an incentive for me to have everything already done that needs prepared for the next day, too. 

He will then let me know if I need to be ready when he gets home, or if I can wait until he's out of the shower. From there, it's just like the Friday night instructions from my last post. Clothes off, kneeling on the little stool, laying over our bed. 

It was just as delicious last night as it was last Friday. Lip-biting, don't be too loud you'll wake the kids, delicious. :)  It is instant electricity as he walks in our room. He grabs my ass, then gently runs his fingers around my back. Magic!!!! 

Now I am looking forward to next Monday. Unless he needs me before then. Of course I'll willingly comply :) 
Rules are much easier to follow when it's like this. I am loving ttwd. :) 

Happy Tuesday! 
Xo, 
Elle 

Pinterest!

Our weekend was great. Friday night, I sent him a little text while he was gone, saying I was craving some dominance from him. Without missing a beat, he sent back a racy text with specific instructions and it was instant submission.  
*when ____ is done, go to the bedroom, remove your clothes, and wait for me in the assumed position* 

I can't lie, I would be fine if those directions commands arrived frequently. Yummy. :) 

I started a Pinterest for Fireman & I, so follow us and let me know so I can follow you! I love Pinterest :) our email is firewife0506 (at) gmail (Dot) com. I think that's how you can find us! 

Hope everyone had a great weekend!!!
Xo, 
Elle 

Finally!

After about 2 hours.... omg has it really been 2 hours?!?!.. of looking for a new background and trying to apply it to my Elle's World page, I think it finally worked.  I swear, blogger hates me.  What did I ever do to you, blogger???

I've got a couple comments to reply to, but one was posted this morning and it really rang true.  Willie commented to say  "...You are both realizing things about each other, and your relationship, so you can't get 'BACK' you have to find a NEW feeling of connection."  Wow, how true is that? It really hit me then.  

I've been so hung-up on the idea of going back, that I couldn't see the real picture.  It's not possible for us to go back.  Just like we can't go back to anything that has happened that neither of us is happy with.  We can't go back to where we were.  It's impossible, both figuratively and literally.  

After the way I felt, I couldn't just go back to things the way they were.  Ttwd... had ultimately failed me, I felt.  I think we all start out with these expectations of how domestic discipline will change us in all positive ways and change our significant others in all these positive ways. While that certainly happens, it does NOT happen overnight and doesn't come with some negatives, too.

I am a perfectionist, I can't help it.  It's always been that way.  If things aren't perfect, it drives me nuts.  Do you know how many times I've not gone to church because I couldn't find something acceptable (to me) to wear? Too many to count.  I get this idea, then I can't get past it.  If it's not this or that specifically, it's not good enough, it's never going to work, I can't do it.  It's exhausting, but unfortunately, there's no on/off switch in my brain for me to fix it.  

Ttwd helped saved my marriage, no doubt.  He knows it and I know it.  He has said it over the past week.  He wasn't trying to pressure me into a dd relationship and he was even afraid of talking about it too much and running it into the ground (his words, not mine).  

I wanted more.  I wrote that in my last post, I was just so hurt over not feeling important and this being the one thing that would help me feel important.  Going back was something I couldn't make sense in my head.  

Today, I realized that it's only forward.  We can begin a dd relationship, but it's not and can't be like it was.  That is the only thing that is impossible.  It's not impossible for us to achieve that level of closeness again.  It's certainly not impossible to incorporate spanking into our lives.  Rules still need to be there.  The laundry isn't going to do itself! Lol!

I sent a text... and we continued to work out things that way.  I told him I would jump in, but with a time limit to reevaluate.  In a month, we'll see where we are, discuss where we're going, and if this is what we are continuing.  I can't foresee a reason we wouldn't, but I didn't see this happening either.  I needed a disclaimer, I guess. 

Immediately, I felt the stress lift away from my shoulders.  I think he felt empowered again immediately, too. After texting for a few minutes, he sent me a message that made me realize I'd made the right decision: *I feel like you've forgotten or lost sight of the fact that you belong to me.  It gives me doubts and sends MY mind to dark places.*    

Now, I get it.  He understands completely.  *Look at you putting your HoH hat right back in place.*

*Lol. Yes you're damn right I'm putting the hat back on.  But something else that's going to change, I will do a better job of telling you how I feel. I WILL try and do a better job of having more frequent dates with just us also.*

We are just going to keep the rules we had, but since they've been non-existent for so long, I asked for a reminder.  They were on the journal app, but I don't have access to it when he isn't home.  I came up with a great idea.. a private blog for just the two of us.  I added a new blog, so it will show up on our dashboard, and we will be able to write any and everything down in it.  It's private, so I won't have to worry about anyone seeing on my phone, and it's accessible from wherever we are.  Perfect!

We are also going to make it a point to actually talk to each other face to face.  Here we are, having been together for over 10 years and we are barely comfortable speaking face-to-face about important issues.  That is not okay with me! He agrees.  

I'm feeling so much better about everything.  I still need to realize there will always be ups and downs, but that it is fine.  We are fine, we're going to be fine, and everything is fine even when it's a little chaotic.  

Hope you all have a great evening! :)

xo, 

Elle

Still going along..

Not much is new here in Elle & Fireman Land. We are still traveling about, together. Not much talk of ttwd coming back into play. I know he wants it to, I'm just still quite unsure of where I am. 

There are times during every day where I think I'll just tell him I want it back. I picture me going to our room, him sitting on my side of our bed, ready to have me disrobe and go over his lap. I think about his hand rubbing my behind and delivering methodical smacks. 

When it comes down to saying it at the end of the day, when we actually have alone time, nothing comes out. I waiver and decide against it. 

I think I am painting a terrible picture of him. Or maybe that I have. None of that is true, though. He is the most wonderful person in the world. I wouldn't change him coming into my life for anything. It's just that our relationship is bipolar.  It's up and down, rarely now... But when it's up, it's so f**king high, you can't make out the dots on the ground. And when it's low, I can't find a way up. I can't see the light, can't make myself realize that everything will be fine. 

We are both extremely passionate people, but in different ways. I am a tornado flying from one thing to the next. He's the volcano. It takes him a while to bubble up, but when it happens.. Look out. 

I still want that connection.  The connection that is currently lost. We are trying, but it's just not the same. He says it's because ttwd is missing. I'm just not sure. I'm not sure I can go back to it. 

Yesterday he said I expect too much of people and it's completely true. Expectation has caused an immense amount of problems in our life. 

He also texted me something the other day after the last two posts were published:

You have to come to terms with something. I am going to let you down. I am. Never intentionally, but I have a knack for it apparently. But it goes both ways and you're going to let me down too. It's part of bring human. 

And I've said it to you in the last how sometimes you set me up to fail. You can have such high expectations of me and despite my best intentions, it's inevitable that I won't meet any of them. 

I wasn't sure how to respond. It was true, but I also hate the excuse part of it. It's like when people do something, say I'm sorry, and expect it to be fine. Just because they're sorry doesn't fix it, you know? I guess that's a subject for a different blog post though. 

I want more. But, I'm terrified to want more. What if it is just me setting myself up for more disappointments? That feeling is quite possibly one of the worst and I don't want to go through it again. It just might be easier to control things myself and not have the worry of expecting him to take over. To wonder if he will be consistent. To obsess over maintenance and worry about bringing it up. To obsess over bringing up different areas of ttwd to talk about. 

I just still don't know. I'm okay with this boringness, but I know it can be so much better... 


Xo, 
Elle 

Breaking point.. part 2

**Read part 1 here.**




Part 2

Sunday was not fun either.  I can't really remember what we did all day, but we were gone mostly and didn't talk.  The air was just wrong.  It was avoidance all day. 

Monday rolled around and the texts rolled in.  

So.

                ?

Ttwd.

                What about it?

Are we done with it? 

                I think maybe.

Alright.

                Okay.

               

                You don't have anything else to say? 

You took back consent. 

Again.  I have lot to say. 

But without starting a fight

about it, idk. 

                Oh because we are getting along so

                well?

Our getting along so well

is bc you quit on dd.

                No.  That happened days before.

No it did not.  Things were 

hostile on both of our parts.

I chose to wait til the dust had 

settled, for me too, bc I was 

so furious, to handle it with 

spanking, but when you took

back consent, that fairly well

ended it.

                Me quitting had nothing to do with 

                you spanking.

Then why?

It was then I realized he did NOT get it.  At all.  

                 You let me down. 

I continued on to tell him exactly how I felt, instead of just not saying anything.  I told him how throughout our ENTIRE relationship, I was always competing with something, I was never just #1 or the most important thing. I told him that the mistakes I had made, make me feel like I don't deserve it anyway and that I just think everything will implode on me one day.  I told him how him never planning anything for just us makes me feel like it doesn't matter.  

He still didn't get it.  I had to unload completely everything for it to finally click to him.  Honestly, I felt bad for unleashing it all, but I also felt good that he would see it.  

He understood it all. What else do you have to say?  I told him I really didn't have much else to say.  He wanted to know what all of this meant for our ttwd.. and all I could say was that I didn't know.  I told him I can't just jump back in.  What else do you have to say? I'm sorry I let you down.  And I still believe that dd saved our marriage.  But I equally believe we may end up in the same bad place without it.  I don't know. I just don't know.  

That was the end of our conversation about it.  Monday went on, we were busy, then he was at the fire station. I couldn't sleep. I got everything off my chest, but everything is still so messed up.. I can't.

He asked where I was mentally.  I don't know. That was pretty much the only thing I could say to every question he would ask me.  How do we fix it? I don't know.  I just honestly don't know.  

I don't feel like I even know where your

head is. Or what you want. All the shit

happened. And we've talked it to death.

Idk that there's necessarily rectification,

but rather a peace agreement so to speak.

Idk that you're ready to be over the hurt that 

I caused you. Idk that you're ready to kiss

and make up bc I don't feel that interest from you.

So idk what to do. I'm afraid.

                   I just don't know what to do. 

It's really on you to figure out.  

Bc I can't tell you. It's really up 

to you how things move forward.

                   Idk.

I'm just saying, I can't make this

happen on my own. 

I love you. 

He really is trying.  And he has been.  We really did text/talk it to death.  Neither of us can come up with any type of solution. Thing are still weird. 

I moved my 'I'm not ever making any plans for us again' thought and asked if he though we could get a sitter Friday night and go do something.  He agreed and we had a really great time.  We went to dinner and listened to a band.  We even finally had sexy time that night (I mean, it was a serious drought, even before the incidents).  

Saturday morning came around.  Still weird.  Still a weird air in our home.  We were getting along just fine, but it was just still weird.  A giant elephant still sat with us. 

Saturday night we watched the creepiest movie and I shouldn't have watched it, lol.  I cannot handle all that violence.  I keep seeing it for dayyyysss.  I even tried not to watch those parts, but I did.  Ugh.  Terrible movie. 

Sunday was wonderful.  We slept in.  I got the kids breakfast then went back and cuddled in bed with him.  I could've stayed there all day.  We showered together, got lunch, ran some errands and came back home.  

Suddenly, that f&ck*ng elephant was back.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to fix us. I thought the date night would do it. But it didn't.  It really was a great weekend, but it just didn't fix it.  

We've addressed everything, at least I have. I think he would tell me if anything else was on his mind.  We've talked everything through.  We have apologized.  It's just still not right.  

Is it because ttwd is missing? I don't know.  I don't know if I want it back. It's just a lot to give myself up again and move to him.  

Our entire life together, I swear, all I wanted was him.  Him to love me and want me.. and think I was the most important thing in the world.  I want him to just see me.  Just worry about me and want to be with me and spend time with me.  

I realize it sounds childish and selfish, but it's what I want. I just want to be important. It's just been so many times let down. And then I let him down, too. 

It was just the big milestone events.  Memories are all not what I want them to be.  It wasn't what I thought it would be.  

We've been together for 10 years. I don't want to go anywhere else. I don't want him to go anywhere else.  I can't change the past, even though I wish those memories were different.  

I hate getting to this point. Just like after what happened a week and a half ago, just writing it makes me remember it all.  It creeps back in and reminds me of our past.  The memories that didn't go like they should have.  Is it my fault? Am I not good enough? Does he just put up with me? I don't know. 

I'm sure this is ridiculous.  Maybe I'll end up taking them down.  I was hoping to accomplish more in my head and writing it all down, but it just brought it all back instead.  

Which is exactly what I mean.  How do I fix this? How do I not think of things that were messed up? Or that I messed up? 

I sound like a crazy person.  Fantastic.  

Maybe I'll get some good advice, figure it out, and take these insane posts down.  

Xo, 

elle

A break.... Or breaking point? Part 1

**I had planned to just write it all out and publish, but now I see it's way too long.  I'm just going to publish this one.. then go ahead and write part 2.**


To be honest, I've been avoiding blogger. Yesterday was the first day I'd signed on in at least a week. Very bizarre for me, I'm generally checking it every few hours or when I have downtime. But not recently. 

Okay, this is sad. I just opened a new tab to check when my last actual post was and the address didn't pop up on the history. Then I went to type it in.... And I couldn't even remember MY own address. Wow. 

So, apparently it been 17 days since my last post. In that 17 days... A LOT has happened. On the 7th, I actually wrote a post while I was waiting on #2 at an appointment. I wanted to edit it from the iPad, since I wrote it on my phone, but I never got to. It was never published. 

That beginning of the week went okay. Busy for the last week before the start of school. Everything going pretty well. I can't remember clearly, but I think we had one maintenance session in there. Then, the end of the week happened. It was not good. Not good at all. 

I'm sure he wishes we could go back to that week, but honestly I'm not sure how I feel. I'm just stuck in a land of shadows and quietness. 

I'll go back and explain. Unfortunately, Thursday happened. A preseason game (football) was on. Technically our first game of the year. I love football, I was excited. 

And seriously, the only reason he began to love out all is because of me. He was never a fan before I showed up. Lol, now he has surpassed my knowledge of the rules and plays. 

I texted him that morning. Why don't we see if your mom could watch the kids and we could go to a sports bar/restaurant and watch the game.. Or part of it? He agreed and said he'd ask her. We hadn't had any type of alone time/ date night in forever. More than months, really.  I'm sure this part will sound stupid, but I laid out my clothes right then and washed & fixed my hair. I have a bad habit of just leaving it a ponytail (a stylish one! Lol) or a messy bun, unless we are going somewhere. It's just long and in the way if I'm just going to be running with the kids or be home. 

Needless to say, I was excited. 

We had lunch with my mom and then I took the girls to an activity. Talked to him a little and he was weird. Just not the mood I expected. I mean, it was alone time?! With yummy food & football! Then the coffin nail. Money. Ughhhhhhhh. Nothing ruins my mood more than him bringing up money.  

He doesn't realize the coupons I use or how I cut corners to save money so we can still do fun things.  It's very rare I don't have some type of coupon when I take the kids to lunch.  

Anyway, his mood really killed my spirit. I got home and he was sitting on the couch, just uninterested in the entire thing.  I was shattered.  We can still go.  No.  Not now.  Not when I'll be sitting there the whole time knowing you're mentally tallying up everything.  Or making me worry about what to order and everything else.  He didn't put up much of an argument.  

Then what happens? In my twisted mind, I see it as him not wanting to spend time with me.  He doesn't want to spend time with you. It kept going through my brain.  I couldn't turn it off.  Just kept trying to tell myself it was fine.  I was fine.  Keep it together, you look like a crazy person.  

Friday, he was supposed to go to a little get together with me.  I was asked to get into a business and I wanted him to go with me to her party so we could see if it was really a good idea.  I loved the product, but I just wasn't sure.  I needed him there.  Needed him to hear what was said, the details, etc.  

I get ready and ask him if he was going.  No, I think I'll just stay here.  Shot #2.  He doesn't want to spend time with you.  There it is again. No. No. No. No. No! Do not lose it on the way to your friend's house.  I cried the entire way there.  

Got home, fixed the kids dinner.  Are you coming with me in the morning? My first 5k.  I hadn't ran in forever, I was a little nervous.  Never having done a 5k before, I wasn't sure what to expect either. Instead of a hmmm, well let me talk to my parents to see if one of them would come keep the kids (the race was early) I just got a bewildered look.  I wasn't expecting this.  He told me he'd be there.  Before I had signed up, I told him I was nervous.  I'll be alone. I'll be waiting for you at the finish line, he'd said at the time.  Now, here he is completely balking at it.  I can hear it again.  He doesn't want to spend time with you.  Doesn't want to be there.  Doesn't want to get up early for you.  And then... at that moment... You're not worth it.  

I just said okay and walked back into the kitchen.  Trying to shove all those thoughts out of my mind, unsuccessfully.  

I know this is getting really long, so kudos to you if you've actually hung in there.  I don't know that many  of you will.  I'm just kind of indifferent.  I love all of blogland, but I know my ups and downs were exhausting last month (or whenever it was)... so I do hate to be posting.  But, I also have always said this blog is just for me.  The followers and internet friends are just a bonus.  

Something happens to me when things like this happen.  I go to a dark place.  I shut down.  It's like a defense mechanism.  I repeat to myself that I'm fine. I can do this by myself.  I don't need anyone else.  I can do it.  

I have messed up.  It's hard to write, but it's true.  I acted in a way that I truly, truly regret and is the one thing I would take back if I could.  (It's probably not what you're thinking, by the way).  That's when I really thought our marriage was over.  I didn't want to be here, we were barely speaking.  It was a total nightmare.  

But we recovered.  And it's something I live with.  It's left a bit of a scar on our relationship... And why am I telling this? It's for this reason that I think one day he's just going to stop.  It will be too much and he'll just stop wanting to be with me.  

The Bermuda triangle of events that happened completely sent me over the edge.  My head was a scary place.  

Saturday, I was awful.  I barely spoke to him.  We had things to do all day, but barely spoke.  After the kids got in bed and I got out of the shower he asked me to sit by him on the couch.  He showed me the hairbrush.  

I'm sorry, no.  He looked at me like I was kidding or testing him. I wasn't.  I was serious.  I couldn't do it. I could not give myself to him.  He had completely let me down over the past 3 days and I could not do it.  I wouldn't.  He didn't want to be with me, didn't want to spend time with me.. and now he wants to spank me? No.  

He sat there in a state of shock, with a hurt look, and I went to bed.  







I'm going to finish part 2 now.. and probably have it published later today.  
Hope you all are doing well, 
XO, 
elle

love :)

It's been another crazy, busy week. The last week of July has been jam packed with activities for my kids, my husband, and me getting them everywhere. I've been so exhausted by the end of the day, I couldn't even muster up the energy to go for a run. 

Everything has been smooth sailing in the Fire family (lol). We haven't discussed ttwd at all, really, but it's still there. It's just an understood, underlying theme of our life. I can't remember what, or when exactly, I blogged last.... I probably should've looked at that before beginning this one. Oh well. :) 

Tuesday, I think it was, the girls were gone with their grandmother and the baby was asleep. I'd been texting fireman a little throughout the day, but I was pleasantly surprised when he walked through the door an hour early. I had honestly thought about texting him to talk about ttwd, but decided against it. Things were/are going great. I really didn't think it needed addressed. It was at that moment I realized, we were doing pretty well. 

After he realized the girls were gone and we were mostly alone? Let's go to the bedroom, he said in his understated HoH~y voice. Ummmm, okay. Why? Maintenance. We haven't done maintenance in a while. 

Wow. It was eye-opening that we really have turned a corner. We don't need to talk about ttwd everyday. We don't need maintenance on the front of our minds all the time. No pressure on either of us. We have rules, they'll be enforced. In fact, just yesterday I asked him to put my keys on the list. I have entirely slacked on putting them where they belong and yesterday I spent 10 minutes looking for them. So annoying, lol. 

We have a closeness that cannot be matched. Yesterday, I was down about something (not involving FM). I was texting him about it while picking up dinner. He sent the sweetest message to me. :) 

I'm so behind on reading, too. I'm going to try to catch up today and tomorrow. Although, this weekend is going to be super busy too. The girls get do really fun stuff this weekend. It will be busy for me, but I love watching them. They do such a great job. 

Hope everyone has a great weekend!! 
Xo, 
Elle