Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I wish..

I wish a lot of things.. 

I wish we'd met when we were like, 10. Or even earlier. I wish we'd known each other forever. I wish we had more time together.. In the past. I wish we had been together in high school, it would've saved us both a lot of trouble. Or that we could've been there for each other in college. 

I wish we would've done our wedding differently. Not listened to so many other people and just did what we actually wanted to do. I wish I would've looked at you while I was walking down the aisle. Just at you. Not smiled at the guests as I was walking by.  I wish you would've been so in love with me then in the way that I've felt a few times over the past year.  Instead, I wonder if it was just the next step.  I don't like the memories of our reception. I was alone more than once. 

I wish that kind of love would've carried over to other life events. 

I've written before about how I wish we would've found ttwd sooner. I think I still wish that. Then, we wouldn't be in this situation we are now. We wouldn't be here because you'd just know what to do. We would've had more time to figure it out without having so much time spent doing things the wrong a different way. Getting set in our ways, I guess. 
I wish I had all the patience in the world. Or at least more than I do now. I wish I could just be supportive and not jealous that something else gets so much of your time. I wish you wanted to spend time with me the way I do with you. 

I definitely wish I didn't feel this way. 

I want to be able to not have to worry. To not have to think about things that have happened and have reminders of them. I wish some things never happened. That I had the ability to create magic, go back in time, and to not have made the mistakes.  I wish I could unsee the looks I've seen on your face. I wish I could undo it all. 

I wish I could just get over everything. 

I wish the blowup on Saturday wouldn't have happened. I wish there wasn't an imprint of your fist in the door. I wish I could've chilled out and not gotten so upset and let my feelings get so hurt. I wish I didn't feel the words you said are true and that they made me feel like I'm not good at all of this stuff in life. 

You have no idea the effect you have on me. In every way. One look, one word, one anything from you can make or break me. Even before ttwd, it's always been that way. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.  

I wish I wasn't so stubborn. I wish we could go on with ttwd like nothing happened. I wish everything... 


  1. I wish you the best - there are always going to be roadblocks. It makes us appreciate the smooth road even more. Wishing you lots of smooth roads.

  2. I'm sorry you two have hit a rough patch. Sending prayers your way that you are able to work through this soon and get back on the smooth road.

  3. I wish you peace....and finding your way to contentment....and happiness. We all have things we wish were different..
    hugs abby

  4. I wish your troubles all disappear and you and Fireman find your stride again.

  5. I always wish things like this too, especially about wanting more time with SM and wanting to do things over.

    I'm sorry you are sad. I hope things will be better soon.

    <3 sara

  6. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be. The only time you should look backwards is to learn from the past. I hope that you can just focus on the present and live each day to the fullest. Maybe you would have hated him in college or thought he was a geek in high school. I didn't really care for my wedding, so we renewed our vows on our tenth. It was much more meaningful. I know that if Ty suggested spankings or dominance into our lives when we were younger, I probably would not be married to him.
    Focus on today. Figure out what you can do today to make life between the two of you (today ) great. Read the Love Dare together or separately.
    Oh and you can tell me to mind my own business too.

  7. Aww Elle...hindsight is 20/20 and we all wish we could have do-overs. I wish peace, comfort and joy in each other for you and your fireman.

    Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts to both of you.

    Hugs and Blesings...

  8. Yeah hindsight and all. But, instead we can only look forward, move ahead, and work things out.

    I hope you guys figure it out soon.

    At least you had your family at your wedding to look at, right? Little positive things can go so much further than negativity, even though that can be impossible in some situations...

  9. Oh Elle. So sorry you are having such a hard time. Its always easy to wish things were different. Coulda ,shoulda,woulda moments but we cant change the past only learn and grow from it. Praying that things will get better qnd you both will find your way back to each other and be better, stronger amd more in love than before.

  10. Don't feel sad, Elle. Everyone has things they regret. You are still young, so enjoy the present and try to enjoy those memories of the past such as walking down the aisle smiling at all the people. I'll bet they were glad you smiled at them!

    I could probably say every word you've said, about my own life, and that goes back twice as far! But frankly I think age and circumstance bring a wisdom that in youth is impossible to have.

    You are in a good place, and you have a lovely family and a great husband. Cherish him, and cherish them, in the NOW.

    Many hugs

  11. Elle, I am sorry for the rough patch you just hit, it does not sound easy. {{{HUGS}}} I don't know if this will help, but I used to hang on to the past, and wish things different, but then I had to let that go. I had to learn that maybe if the past had turned out the way I had hoped, then maybe today would not be where it is, in a good way. I don't know if that would help here or not. I do know that what works for one person may NOT work for another. {{{HUGS}}}

    Either way, I'm praying for you, and if you need someone to listen to at all, my new email is esmayslife@gmail.com. {{{HUGS}}} It might take time, it might be hard, but you both can get through this, I truly believe that.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

  12. I understand Elle. Today is a new day, hopefully with sunshine and hope. Sometimes it is hard to put away what happened yesterday but keep trying, keep loving.

  13. Elle -I wish for you to be able to move past this slump! Enjoy what you have now, someday you might be looking back and wishing it was like it is now! Worrying today robs tomorrow of its strength!

  14. I'm so sorry for the tough patch you're going through. I'm a little late to commenting, so I hope by now things are a bit better. I'll be sending happy thoughts and hugs your way!

    Feel better!