I'm so behind again!

I had no intentions of going this long without posting... again!  Is everyone else's life as crazy as ours is right now?  I thought a few months ago was bad, but this is infinitely busier now.  

We are still doing fantastic.  TTWD is in the background, mostly just as fun, playful, foreplayish at the moment.  I'm not sure if we are even doing any punishment type spanking, but I'm not going to intentionally try to find out, lol.  We still don't have a set list of rules, I think that was too rigid for us before.  I think it was Blondie who suggested we just use the 4 main rules, so far that's how I've been thinking.  Not sure about FM, I'll have to ask him.  

We haven't had much in the way of our time.  The kids have all been in activities with end of the year parties and trying to get everything in.  Softball and t-ball games are starting to wrap up, so I'm glad.  I love their activities, but I'm looking forward to downtime too.  FM has helped out with the tball team and it's so hot to me, lol.  He doesn't get it, but something about him being so sweet to not only our kids, but their teammates too, and helping pitch or whatever else to them = an in-love, starry eyed Elle.  

I'm still working out every morning (or almost every morning lol).  That's going super well too.  To date, I've lost almost 25 pounds :)  I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I'm lighter than when we got married and more in shape than ever before.  I was not a runner, ever.. I'm still not really counting myself as a runner, but I ran a mile for the 2nd time ever a few weeks ago.  I've run countless miles since then and even did a 5k recently.  Ran the entire time! I was so proud! I was a little bummed.  I would've loved for FM to be at the finish line, but someone had to be with the kids.  I didn't tell him either, so I didn't hold it against him.  

I even bought a bikini for this summer.  A for-real, 2-piece, top and bottoms separate with midriff showing bikini. lol.  I never bought an actual 1-piece, but I have only had tankinis and cute sporty skirts since #1 was born.  I haven't work a bikini since 2006.  2006!  Oh, and it's even from Victoria's Secret :)  I still want to work hard these last few weeks before we hit the beach, but I'm excited.  

I don't think there's much else to update... I need to catch up and do my liebster (sp?) award post.. I will get to that too! :)  Hope you all are doing great! I'll try to catch up on some posts now, too :)

xo!
elle :)

back to it..

For the past 3 days, I've gone at it alone.  Fireman is out of town on business and I'm losing my mindddddd... I've changed 800 diapers, I swear all of which were dirty.  WTF kid?

Right now, said child is in a horrific mood and has done nothing but hit and kick.  He's into headbutting, my arm is bruised. I'm annoyed.  My workout last night sucked, it was a competition of sorts and I should've won.

Needless to say, I'm ready for him to be home and tonight cannot come soon enough!!!!

He won't be home very long, then he's off again to fire training.  =/  Suckkkss.  I'm already dreading it.  since I've started this new workout kick, which is a 'lifestyle change' completely, finding time to go the gym is unbelievably difficult with three kids and no husband at home.  I'm now admiring single fit moms! More power to them!!

We talked a lot after my last post, which i took down.  I woke up early one morning and freaked out.  I thought I'd accidentally said a name or location in my writing and I took it down to comb through it.  I trust my blog circle, but i have no idea who peeks at my posts and leaves no comment or trace of them being here, you know?

Back to the point, we have decided to give it another go.  We had a couple of play/maintenance sessions and I think it gave that fire back to us (haha, no pun intended).  we haven't set up specific rules or anything, but it's there.  It's not an elephant in the room, it's not uncomfortable, it's just there.

Now, how many hours left til 10pm?

xo,
Elle

Quick question...

I'm going to write a blog post soon.. We are doing great, just for the record. We had a great mini-vacay too ;)

I have a blog showing up on my feed that I'm NOT following. I even followed it, then unfollowed to take it away. I can't read it.. It's not in English or any other language I speak, lol. Is it spam? I'm confused.

My twitter has been hacked, but it's not tied to this at all. I don't even use twitter, I just have an account... And it keeps following all these bizarre twitter-ers. <--- see. I don't even know what they're called lol.

So, how do I fix it? It's posting like,  a ton of blogs each day and that's all I can see on my blogger dash board.

Thanks in advance!
Xo,
Elle

A new year, birthday, & slump

It's been a while. How is everyone? I haven't been reading much, but I've read a little every now and then. Sounds Reads (lol) like everyone is doing pretty good. 

We had a great Christmas, great New Years. The holidays were altogether really good. I actually think there were ZERO arguments while fireman was home on vacation for the holidays. Super rare for us - volcano and tornado that we are, it's easy for us to have a blowup eventually. But nothing. It was great. We had some maintenance and some super hot sex. We even had a date night or two in there. :) 

Then work and school and kids got back into a routine. I got into some kind of slump. My brain was just foggy. I was just not into anything. Anything. So maintenance fell behind. I don't think there were any punishments, but they fell away too. 

The kids' activities have resumed and I feel like everything is nonstop. Fireman was gone over the weekend, so it's been endless days for me. I have trouble falling asleep, so then I'm tired all day when it starts again. 

I wanted my check-in post to be all upbeat and positive, but it's just not. I'm back to being in a funk. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely trying my best at just about everything. I'm trying to keep the house (mostly) tidy and clean. Laundry isn't too bad, dishes are almost always done. But things just aren't right. 

I can't quite put my finger on it.

I know it's that closeness that's missing too. To be honest, I have no interest in putting forth the effort to fix it. I'm okay. But that's just it. It's just okay. 

I'm not sure that anything will make sense to anyone else. And maybe I'll end up posting and then taking it back down. Who knows. :) 

It's a drought. I'm sure some of you will understand. The more sex you have, the more you want it. It's that way for maintenance with me, too. The more it happened, the more I wanted it. But, neither have happened. So I don't have an interest, you know? 

I'll talk about it with him during the day sometimes. We will talk about getting things back to where they need to be, but then at the end of the day, I'm just tired and not into it. At all. 

I've even said he should wake me up so we can shower together. That was supposed to happen the last 2 mornings... But the first, he didn't want to wake me. I had so much trouble falling asleep the night before that he felt I needed the sleep. Then, this morning I didn't get up. 

I don't know. It's just a little cloudy around here. 

My birthday is coming up. A new decade and I'm kind of struggling with it. I know.. There are many people who don't get to see this birthday or more birthdays. I know. But I'm still struggling with it. 

We aren't arguing. No fighting. Not really any disagreements. It's just not quite right. 

So, let me know how you're all doing. I miss blog land! 
Xo, 
Elle 



Ps- I wrote this on my phone. Excuse any crazy typos! I've fixed all the ones I caught while typing, but I'm sure a few slipped through. :)

Christmas :)

Hope everyone had a great Christmas :)

We definitely did here. I think the kids actually got everything they wanted. Very rare, since sometimes their requests are a little out there, lol.

Fireman got me a FireWife shirt, which is actually much cuter than it sounds, lol. He also got me an origami owl bracelet, some of you might know what that is. They're a neat, somewhat new thing around here but growing rapidly.

Things have been going well. We even had out of town guests that I generally don't get along with and let them get me in a disarray, but that didn't happen this year. FM and I had a long chat and discussed several things. We are doing much better still. ;)

I thought I had about 85, okay a 95% chance of a Christmas Eve spanking after he saw allll the presents, but he just said I did a great job, lol. I did give him one warning that he could do all the shopping and wrapping next year, lol. :)  He definitely wants NO part of that.

He's off for the rest of the year -- yayyyyyyy!!!! So I'm excited to have so much time with him. Hope every one in blog land had a great holiday with their families :)
Xo,
Elle

Update :)

Very sorry for the MIA. That last post took a lot out of me, I actually wanted to take it down, but he said to leave it up.  I thought he'd want it down too, but he insisted. 

That may have been the longest time we went without each other. Scratch that probably second longest, ever, but longest since we began ttwd.  

We sat in silence for a few days. We talked for several. Mostly via text, because I wasn't home much in the evening. We had tons of things to do in the evenings. We talked and talked and talked and talked. Sometimes in circles. Sometimes he made excellent points. Other times, he completely knew what I was saying and he understood.  A lot came out. 

I stayed away from blogger. I read some posts, but I'm mostly out of the loop on anything going on. I apologize for that. I did read every comment. Even one anonymous (lol, I think that's my first negative anonymous comment) that wasn't so great.  I really appreciate each comment. 

I haven't felt like posting, but I knew I needed to post an update. 

We are doing very well. We have reinstated ttwd, since Monday. So far, so good. It's still slotted strange, but we are working on it. I'm not sure how much I'll post in the coming days.. Or weeks. I'll be around, definitely. But I'm not sure I'm back to posting-mode just yet. 

Thanks again everyone, 
Xo, 
Elle 

I wish..

I wish a lot of things.. 

I wish we'd met when we were like, 10. Or even earlier. I wish we'd known each other forever. I wish we had more time together.. In the past. I wish we had been together in high school, it would've saved us both a lot of trouble. Or that we could've been there for each other in college. 

I wish we would've done our wedding differently. Not listened to so many other people and just did what we actually wanted to do. I wish I would've looked at you while I was walking down the aisle. Just at you. Not smiled at the guests as I was walking by.  I wish you would've been so in love with me then in the way that I've felt a few times over the past year.  Instead, I wonder if it was just the next step.  I don't like the memories of our reception. I was alone more than once. 

I wish that kind of love would've carried over to other life events. 

I've written before about how I wish we would've found ttwd sooner. I think I still wish that. Then, we wouldn't be in this situation we are now. We wouldn't be here because you'd just know what to do. We would've had more time to figure it out without having so much time spent doing things the wrong a different way. Getting set in our ways, I guess. 

 

I wish I had all the patience in the world. Or at least more than I do now. I wish I could just be supportive and not jealous that something else gets so much of your time. I wish you wanted to spend time with me the way I do with you. 

I definitely wish I didn't feel this way. 

I want to be able to not have to worry. To not have to think about things that have happened and have reminders of them. I wish some things never happened. That I had the ability to create magic, go back in time, and to not have made the mistakes.  I wish I could unsee the looks I've seen on your face. I wish I could undo it all. 

I wish I could just get over everything. 

I wish the blowup on Saturday wouldn't have happened. I wish there wasn't an imprint of your fist in the door. I wish I could've chilled out and not gotten so upset and let my feelings get so hurt. I wish I didn't feel the words you said are true and that they made me feel like I'm not good at all of this stuff in life. 

You have no idea the effect you have on me. In every way. One look, one word, one anything from you can make or break me. Even before ttwd, it's always been that way. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.  

I wish I wasn't so stubborn. I wish we could go on with ttwd like nothing happened. I wish everything...