If you look at any website or blog about domestic discipline, there are tons of variations. Some blogs will say do this specifically. Other websites will say some things are more lenient than others. The resounding similarity? It's all about communication.
That's another thing I love about ttwd. No lashing out. No going to bed mad and staying mad for as long as you can. There are no underlying hurtful comments, no unresolved issues that you never get over, you know, the ones that keep popping up with every argument.
I remember those arguments. Standing around, yelling and fighting. Then suddenly something is brought up that happened in the last argument, or the one before that, or something that happened
years before. I'd love to be able to say that didn't happen to us, but unfortunately it did.
I am a grudge holder. I don't want to let things go if they're unresolved. I am the person who wouldn't sleep if I was mad at hubz, but he would go to bed mad.
He would wake up mostly over it, but I'd still be fuming. Fuming more because I would be tired and wouldn't have gotten much sleep. It was volatile and a repetitive cycle. We'd do great for a few days, sometimes weeks, then BAM!
It was not good. I really did dread any and all arguments. Just as we are passionate and magnetic, we are passionate in fighting. We were never great at communicating our feelings. I think that's one reason why I was so nervous to bring up this idea of domestic discipline to him. We could talk about some things, but many times if it was an important thought or feeling, it didn't come up until an argument.
Now, it's so much better. I feel like we can talk about any and everything. He is struggling with it a little more than i am, I think he still thinks he's going to wake up from a dream, lol. There are times when he will say "Well, i don't want you to be mad but___" or I'll ask his opinion and I'll get the look. You know. The one that says, do you really want my opinion, are you setting me up, or do you just want me to reaffirm your opinion?
And I have to remind him... i always want your opinion. the real one. And I won't be mad or throw a fit. And if I slip up and forget, I realize (and expect!!) you to remind me. :)
He is doing so well with his new role as HoH. We aren't perfect, yet, or we may never be, but we are doing what works for us.
And thanks to communication, we are tweaking almost daily to get into a groove that really fits us. Yesterday, we spent a majority of the day texting about what we had done wrong the night before. I had been disrespectful again :( stupid groceries. I guess that's a story for another day, but in short, 4 of my stupid bags broke, ON the doorstep and I couldn't get my keys to get in the door. I made him really mad, but we figured it all out.
I talked my way out of punishment, which I felt bad for, and kind of tried to talk my way back into it. But, we talked through it all yesterday and know what to do in the future. He promised to never spank when angry, which I am so grateful for. That's why I didn't get in as much trouble as I should have on grocery bag night. We decided that he couldn't just let it go, but that I definitely want him to be in the right mindset. He decided on bedroom time for me, so he could get to the place he needed, then punishment.
win-win for all, thanks to communication. :)