Sir?

To be completely honest, I was particularly sassy yesterday. It was in little comments and facial expressions. For the most part, I didn't even realize it was happening. Oh, but it was happening. 

It was a good morning, but by afternoon, the kids had completely worn me out. #2 keeps waking up at night and wanting to either sleep in our bed or on the couch. I wouldn't mind if she got on the couch...without waking me up. But does that happen? No. Interrupted sleep = not fully rested Elle. Which means my general patience is decreased... Greatly somewhat. 

We had fiasco at the girls' extra-curricular activity. I had to take the baby, he was in the crummiest mood, left my phone in the car, #1's throat started hurting, #2 wouldn't go to her 2nd class. It was a mess. I had no way of getting ahold of fireman to see what was taking him so long (he is supposed to come pick up the baby we soon as he gets off work.. 40 minutes past that time, no fireman.) I threw in the towel and went home 45 minutes early. 

Enter super-sassy Elle. I wasn't rude, or even disrespectful I think. (Although fireman might not agree with that last one...). I just said things, more than playfully. I definitely was on edge and all tense. 

In the kitchen cooking dinner, at one point, he actually pulled my jeans down just slightly (revealing a super cute thong, if I say so myself.. And I think he was actually a little surprised by it, lol). He smacked, then grabbed my ass and said this is mine. I will not tolerate being talked to like this in my house. I will address this later. 

I think I just mumbled mmhmm while hanging on to my jeans and reminding him the kids were just in the other room. 

I think you can just say okay. 

Okayyyyyyy. 

Would you rather I require Yes,Sir? Or Yes, Daddy? 

You wouldn't. 

I could. 

Put a little spark in my head. I never imagined him ever wanting yes sir and certainly never daddy! I actually wonder how serious he was.  

I finished dinner with probably a little more sarcasm and sassiness, went to my exercise class, came home, and got the kids in bed. I hopped in the shower and I was pleasantly surprised when company joined ;) 

We had excellent maintenance, he talked the entire time. About any and everything. He asked how my day was, aside from the fiasco.  He told me he wanted new implements, something less thuddy, more stingy. Um, what about my opinion? I'll entertain your opinion. Entertain. But ultimately I will choose something. Very HoH~y. 

I guess I'll take any suggestions on a new implement. I know a lot of you have been buying from Blondie. I'm still afraid of a for-real paddle though! Maybe I'll buy a new hairbrush today and that will work for now ;) 

Xo, 
Elle 

Working on us :)

I was just watching this movie and one of the characters said "if you can't be vulnerable with your husband, who can you be vulnerable with?"  So true.  It only took about 0.2 seconds for that to hit me.  You married this man.  You picked this man for the rest of your life.  Why not give him 100% access to you.. every part of you? 

It makes sense to me.  I have said it before, I don't know what I did to deserve him :) He deserves to have every part of me.

An update, since I just realized I hadn't really checked in in a while.  We set out a list of rules, a very short list, actually.  We have laundry 4x a week (my rule.. I tend to let it pile up and then it suffocates me), dishes every weekday (my rule also.. same thing).  
I was just looking at our DayOne journal app to get the other rule.. I cannot remember it and somehow the app on the iPad has deleted everything.... I'll have to check Fireman's phone when he gets home.  

I asked him if we were using the four D's also and he had completely forgotten about reading them before.  I tried to find them on a couple websites, but I eventually had to google and found a blog that defined them.  I wasn't doing a very good job explaining, lol.  Fireman just kind of looked at me confused, so I took a screen shot from my iPhone and sent it to him. 

For anyone new, the 4 D's are Disobedience, Disrespect, Dishonesty, and Dangerous. The 4 D's are now added to our rules list, too.  

I think that this is really going to help us.  So far, no rules broken, no punishments set.  I think I just realized something though.. he listed a specific number of swats (? for lack of a better word) to the rule if it were to be broken, but it's not any worse than maintenance.  I need to clarify those terms.  It won't really be a punishment if he is doing less than maintenance, right?  Maybe those are extra strikes on top of a regular amount? I don't know.  Typing this post just made me figure that out.  See, blogging helps! :)

I think we've been too busy for many rules to be broken.  I feel like we go nonstop.  Even right now, he's gone on a fire call.  We have some crazy snowy weather going on and there have been a few wrecks.  He called to say while they were on one call, they got a few more.  

Our agreement is for me to ask for maintenance if I feel like I need it, but that is so hard to do! I probably should've asked for it Friday night or last night.. or both, but I didn't.  I guess if he doesn't bring it up tonight, I will.  I think that's usually our cocktail for an argument.  I will not let it spiral out of control today like we have the past few Sundays. 

I love ttwd.  I love knowing that he is in control and that I am his :)  best. feeling. ever. 

Hope everyone had a great weekend!!!
xo, 
Elle

On the mend :)

I didn't think it would take very long.. I can't stay away from him. Even when I'm so mad or upset, he's my magnet. Something in him pulls at something in me.  He is impossible not to talk to, not to text. He smiles and I melt. Don't get me started on if he winks at me.... :) 

I think I lasted until 11 on Monday. I told myself I was not going to text him, that I was going to wait and let him initiate the conversation. Did that work? No. I can't stand it. I want to know what he's thinking, where he is, and how he's feeling. Even if I'm mad at him. 

We are passionate, we always have been. We fight, we make up. This scene is perfectly us. We live an amazingly love-filled life. But, we do fight. Sometimes I'll hear other people say oh, we never fight or argue. We just get along all the time.  I wouldn't trade with them, not for one second. 

I wasn't sure, however, if I could continue ttwd. It's just so vulnerable and when you're upset with the other person... It's hard to give them that control. It's hard to get your mind to realize that other person loves you more than anything and that you can do this. Maybe it's not like that for you experienced dd'ers. Maybe you get to that point where even if you don't want to, or thing you can, you still go otk/otb. 

That's where I'm going to be though. No more taking back consent. I know that's the big no-no for the wife. Whereas the husband's is don't spank in anger, the wife's is don't take back consent. I do feel really badly about it. I know it was wrong. I will not do it again and I have been told it won't matter anyway. We aren't quitting ttwd and if I were to take back consent,  you will have red streaks on your ass. 

We texted and texted Monday and Tuesday. He apologized. I apologized. We worked things out. We were honest and truthful, I think. And we are going to work on this, work on us. We aren't quitting ttwd. It's too beneficial, too good for us. It might not go perfectly everyday, but we will continue on. 

He said we are going to start over, from square one. He wants to work on his consistency, so he wants to start out with only a few rules and try to enforce them if needed. We are going to write them in our day one journal app (it has a passcode) and add to them when we need to. 

I think it's going to work and our dd life is definitely on the mend :) 

Xo, 
Elle

At a standstill..

It's feels like I'm stuck in a wash, rinse, repeat cycle. There's no end. No turn. No pause. Just an endless circle that keeps spinning me around. I can't see a way out or a way to bust out. The only thing I know is to just press the emergency brake and stop completely. 

It's not really what I want. But I can't do it by myself. It's not 60/40 with the 40 putting in all the effort. This endless cycle has shown itself more than once in our 10 years together. 

10 years tomorrow and we aren't even speaking right now. I want to pick up my phone and text him. I want to start a conversation, even if its more arguing. I want to know why he has once again started something without following through. Once again I've been promised and it's fallen through, because there are too many other things taking priority.  Then again, I want to wait and see if he will text me.. But he probably won't. 

Too many times I've been promised and nothing. Trivial things, like promising my kitchen would be 100% done after we redid it before #1 was born. It's still not 100%. Promising me, I mean looking me in the eye and swearing an appliance would be taken care of and not be a nuisance in my life. After 13 months, it still is. 

I try to not get aggravated about it. I try to not let it bother me. I don't need things perfect or need a big, perfect house. I'm happy with everything we have. We are able to do things for our kids that we want and put them in extracurricular activities. I wouldn't trade that for a bigger house, but I work hard at making our home nice and it's ruined in a matter of minutes. And before you guys say it, I know it's impossible to have 3 kids, plus 1 extra and have a clean house. I know, that's not it. 

I cleaned and organized our kitchen on Friday. It took me all day long, with chasing the babies and helping the girls. The child I babysit is a nightmare and I even managed her on Friday to get my kitchen to where I really wanted it. Drawers and everything were cleaned out. It just needed really organized. What did I see yesterday? Stuff piled on the counter and a complete dismissal that I had cleaned it. 

It's just getting so old. 

I didn't set out to write this post and make Fireman look like an ass. He's not. It's genetic. His mother will come over and complain about his dad all the time. And I've seen it. Nothing is ever finished. Always too many things going on at once, too many "priorities." 

I don't feel like one of those priorities. It seems like everything is more important than me. Last weekend it was him being selfish. It's an endless cycle and I'm tired.  I'm tired of it going so well when there's actually effort put in, then trying to ride the wave of effort instead of continuing to work. 

Last night was yet another breaking point. I'm told (not by fireman) what's for dinner. Stupid time change, a headache, and this head cold that I've had for a week was is really wearing on me. (Thank God the kids are healthy!) I just really wanted to have dinner here and not be expected to go to his parents. Couldn't tell fireman that though. He was outside and I was ambushed. 

Yes, I realize I sound like a brat. But sometimes I'm just not in the mood to listen to his mother complain about his dad, listen to his dad talk insanely loudly on a phone call, and try to get the kids to eat, all while the tv is blasting. It's complete overstimulation. 

The kids were already gone when we started arguing. At this point, I don't even remember why it started but it was inevitable. Everything between us over the weekend felt forced. We weren't connected. We haven't been. 

Friday night I actually thought we'd get to spend time together after the kids went to bed. Then, he asked if I cared if he went to hang out at the fire station. Well, if you want to go there, you obviously don't want to be here. 

I know I'll hear it about that, how he rarely goes out there and it's been so long since he went. Yes, fine. I will not understand it. Ever. Most of those guys are unmarried and don't want to sit at home alone or with their parents, fine. But some of them have a wife and families. You're not 16 anymore and ... Ugh it just annoys me. 

It hurts my feelings. Usually I really don't care, but come on. We've had zero alone time. It's been a stressful week with sick kids. I'm sick. Fireman was sick and I told him to get an antibiotic, which I went out and picked up, then he didn't take for two days. 

I'm rambling. If you've made it this far, you deserve a yummy treat. 

The cycle continues and then he follows me into the living room after I walked away. Then he gets into HoH mode.. Go to the bedroom. Abso-bleeping-lutely not. 

I told him I was done. Actually done. I was tired of this cycle of fighting, then swearing we are going to talk about things and figure them out. Of course, there's no talking about it. At all. Then the cycle repeats itself. There might be a role-affirmation/maintenance thrown in, but no discussing. No figuring anything out. Nothing. 

So, it's a tricky time here. I don't know what's going to happen. As of right now, no ttwd and I'm probably taking a break from blogger for a while. I don't want to be this whiny-complainy person that I have been lately. 

I hope everything is going better for all of you than it is here. 

xo, 
elle



Ps, I want to add. I know this does make FM sound bad, he's not. He's the best. When he's in it. 
I also tried to proof this, but teary, puffy eyes and a baby attacking are conducive to editing, lol. 

I want to rewind to January when this was perfect. 

An overdue update

It's almost been a week since I posted last and I've barely been able to read anyone's posts, so I'm behind again.  My head doesn't hurt nearly as bad today, so maybe I'll be able to get caught up. 

I'm sort of aware of the Q&A thing going around, I saw it on Fondles' post before the craziness that has been this week. I'm not really sure howit works though, lol. Are the questions asked through comments or email? I always forget to check my gmail. I should actually give Lillie my actual email address so I don't miss her posts. I only caught the last one thanks to Willie!!! 

Out date night fell through last Saturday, too :( but it was okay. We went to a family friendly fast-food type restaurant with the kids. It was fun and after we got them home and in bed, we had some us time. Maybe we will try for a date-night again soon. 

Sunday was busy, but then Sunday night an argument. A dreaded argument, in fact. It had me wanting to take a break from dd and I think I actually sent him a text saying that Monday morning. I went to bed angry and we weren't speaking. It was not good. We talked via text Monday morning though and really got things worked out. I explained my aggravations, he explained his, we talked about how to fix them. 

I know you can't go back on forth on ttwd, but I just felt like it was not working after what happened on Sunday. We shouldn't have had a day like that doing ttwd. That's how I felt anyway. We decided we'd talk about all the rules and figure out the severity of punishment of them. Not all offenses are spankable, but him not knowing what to do about different ones left us with a strictness level of zero. 

We haven't gotten to talk about that this week yet though... Sickness hit. A-bleeping-gain. I usually love winter. I love the snow and hot chocolate. Cuddling up with a blanket. This year? No. I'm done with the cold. We've had little snow, but tons of cold and I just think the sickness is awful(at least for my family) this year. First it was #1 and the flu. Then #2 and her sickness. Now it's the baby. He's triple sick: ears, throat, lungs. Anytime it's a breathing-type sickness he goes from healthy to hospital bound in about 12 hours. I have to stay on top of it with him. 

He started coughing Sunday, just slightly. I kept a close eye on him, then Monday morning Bam. I called the doctor, got him in, and we started praying for no pneumonia. It was serious :( 

Then, Monday evening a head and chest cold hit me. Umm, ain't nobody got time for dat. 

Both fireman and I were are getting little sleep each night and he caught a chest cold too. We've been doing breathing treatments and all the medicines for little man around the clock. Last night though, we finally slept all night!! Yay!! I actually woke up one minute before my alarm in a panic thinking I hadn't heard little man get up, but he was sleeping just fine in his crib. 

He sounds better today and I'm hoping we've turned the corner :) 

Now, time to catch up on laundry, dishes, and reading. Hope everyone out there is healthier than we have been this week!! 

Xo, 
Elle 

Definition of HoH ..

Hez over at Love and Submission posted a really good question yesterday:

What is your definition/meaning/role of an Hoh?

The minute I read it, I texted Fireman.  It was too good not to ask immediately.  Plus, there's no way I'd remember to ask him in 5 hours after he got home from work, lol.  Hez requested the HoH give their answer, too.  I knew he'd help out.  

A short 15 minutes after I texted her question to him, I had the response. 

*I think HoH is, the leader of the pack, the pater familia, ceo and coo of the family organization.  He is the go-to individual for all things.  He sets the rules, limitations, and breaks all ties.  In many circumstances, too many "chiefs" create disorganization.  HoH is THE cheif, the one and only.  It's his responsibility to after all, to make sure everything with "his" house is as it should be.  Not that he can't delegate, but everything ultimately falls back on him.*

 I agreed with his statements.  I think we all have heard two people can't drive the car.  I just wonder is it 51/49? Is it 60/40? 70/30? Does any of that matter? I kind of think maybe it doesn't.. but I don't know.  

All I know is, I couldn't have picked a better HoH for me.  I'm lucky.  We've been on this journey for going on 5 months.  While that's just a small amount of time in the big scheme of things, it's made a huge difference for us.  

Delay, maintenance, communication :)

First, We have a new blogger and she's pretty good. I think you guys will like her. Hop over to Tasha Madison's blog and say hello :) 


Today is Friday!!! Except..... We have a small problem. Our sitter had to cancel for tonight, but she wants to watch them tomorrow. Fireman said he was sorry, but would I mind a Saturday date instead? 

Saturday is better actually. It's Friday, I'm catholic, our eating options are limited. (He's not Catholic, but I still follow my traditions). I had forgotten about everything when I asked him about a date night on Friday earlier in the week, so other than having to wait another 24 hours, it's actually better. So... Tiny delay. But, it's still happening, so I'm happy. 

We talked texted yesterday about some good stuff, too. I started out by asking if he'd read my blog post (Looking to Friday) to get his feedback on it. He's been busy lately, so he hasn't gotten the chance to make any posts or leave feedback here, but he generally always reads my posts and gives me feedback. 

** You are right in the fact that I don't want to be too strict. There's a fine line there to me and I've not yet found my own balance with rules and enforcement.

.....

I feel like you've become too attached to your phone and it takes away any interest in me and my "opportunity" to spring something spur of the moment on you. We can't even watch tv without you playing games on your phone. Hardly ever. And I'm really becoming aggravated over it. US time is few and far between as it is with the kids brung sick or not going to bed on time. 

I know you can multitask that. But that is really missing the point of why I want your undivided attention just trying to sit on the couch and enjoy a show with your or something.* 

I was a little stunned. I really had no idea. *okay* is all I could text. I was really trying to just listen. 

*I feel like every time we watch tv and you're playing in your phone and I make a light comment about quitting playing on it to watch with me, you give me a semi-aggravated retort about how you can multitask. I don't care that you can do both. I know you're capable. But you miss my point completely. I feel like I compete for your time.* 

*You didn't say it seriously. I didn't know you were that serious about it.*

*Thats me trying to be polite and not be an asshole about it. 

But it's not getting across to you.* 

*I think you're going to have to get a little stricter. Right now you're at like 0. 

I don't know when you're serious and when you aren't.*

*Nice. Alright. That's fair enough.*

.................

So, we had a good conversation after that about what's expected of me, what he's going to do, etc. I'm going to work on Submissive Elle, but I told him I feel like he needs to be more Dominate too. He agreed and actually liked the term, lol. 

I gave him all control for our date night, which is now tomorrow night. I said the minute we gets the kids to the sitter, you're in charge. Completely. I asked him how far he would take it... I'm really curious to find out. 
His only reply was *Lol. Idk. Guess you'll have to wait and see.*

Will he bring up some sort of exercise to feel his dominance? Will he request I wear something specific, do something specific (sexual or not...)?  I'm interested, but he's given no hint. I really want this control to help him, too, not just me. 

I know this twd increases his self-confidence exponentially. Here and out in the world. That's one of my favorite things about dd. He deserves to feel that way!! Last night, we had maintenance (yay!!!) and some steamy business after ;) 

I texted him this morning to get feedback on how last night went... 
*I will say I feel like a million bucks this morning.* 

*Was it the spanking or the sex?* 

*Lol, both!!* 


Now I'm looking forward to Saturday. :) I'm super glad today is Friday though.  We will have a nice dinner in as a family together. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Xo, 
Elle