Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Still going along..

Not much is new here in Elle & Fireman Land. We are still traveling about, together. Not much talk of ttwd coming back into play. I know he wants it to, I'm just still quite unsure of where I am. 

There are times during every day where I think I'll just tell him I want it back. I picture me going to our room, him sitting on my side of our bed, ready to have me disrobe and go over his lap. I think about his hand rubbing my behind and delivering methodical smacks. 

When it comes down to saying it at the end of the day, when we actually have alone time, nothing comes out. I waiver and decide against it. 

I think I am painting a terrible picture of him. Or maybe that I have. None of that is true, though. He is the most wonderful person in the world. I wouldn't change him coming into my life for anything. It's just that our relationship is bipolar.  It's up and down, rarely now... But when it's up, it's so f**king high, you can't make out the dots on the ground. And when it's low, I can't find a way up. I can't see the light, can't make myself realize that everything will be fine. 

We are both extremely passionate people, but in different ways. I am a tornado flying from one thing to the next. He's the volcano. It takes him a while to bubble up, but when it happens.. Look out. 

I still want that connection.  The connection that is currently lost. We are trying, but it's just not the same. He says it's because ttwd is missing. I'm just not sure. I'm not sure I can go back to it. 

Yesterday he said I expect too much of people and it's completely true. Expectation has caused an immense amount of problems in our life. 

He also texted me something the other day after the last two posts were published:
You have to come to terms with something. I am going to let you down. I am. Never intentionally, but I have a knack for it apparently. But it goes both ways and you're going to let me down too. It's part of bring human. 

And I've said it to you in the last how sometimes you set me up to fail. You can have such high expectations of me and despite my best intentions, it's inevitable that I won't meet any of them. 

I wasn't sure how to respond. It was true, but I also hate the excuse part of it. It's like when people do something, say I'm sorry, and expect it to be fine. Just because they're sorry doesn't fix it, you know? I guess that's a subject for a different blog post though. 

I want more. But, I'm terrified to want more. What if it is just me setting myself up for more disappointments? That feeling is quite possibly one of the worst and I don't want to go through it again. It just might be easier to control things myself and not have the worry of expecting him to take over. To wonder if he will be consistent. To obsess over maintenance and worry about bringing it up. To obsess over bringing up different areas of ttwd to talk about. 

I just still don't know. I'm okay with this boringness, but I know it can be so much better... 



  1. It sounds like a bunch of little things added up into a big problem. You didnt paint a bad picture of him. Only a picture of hurt feelings and lack of communication. He is your husband, your partner. Not your hero.

    You are having a hard time right now but it can get better if you let it. Listen to him.

  2. I know this might be difficult to believe, but many, many of us have gone through this very thing. I know it also doesn't make it easier for you.
    I had a conversation months ago with Lillie about Expectation vs. Anticipation. We differed greatly on the definitions, until a later date when we did not! LOL. Anyway, a great deal of us do expect so much from others. Why because we DO a great deal for others. But do we expect or hope? Does one 'emotion' lead to more hurt or disappointment? I don't know if it really matters, but to me expectations have a standard attached to them, while anticipation has more of a hope.

    I am off topic a bit. Your last paragraph, could have been written by many, many of us at one time or another! This is the time where *I* had to let go. Like one of those trust exercises, falling backwards into his arms and not look. It isn't easy Elle- Often we think, well we HAD this! What changed? What changed was the expectation/anticipation. But it isn't a BAD thing, it just means more room for growth. Another chance to see each other deeper and understand each other. Sometimes we didn't realize our expectations changed. Sort of difficult to communicate that until we know ourselves!

    Take a look around other blogs, go back a few months in some. SOOOOO many women have come to this cross roads you find yourself at now, ( and most likely will again if you choose to continue) BUT they have come through the other side.

    Trying to get 'back' is the issue. Don't think of it like that. It is impossible, but that is not a negative. You are both realizing things about each other, and your relationship, so you can't get 'BACK' you have to find a NEW feeling of connection. But it can't be forced. You can force yourself to listen to that voice that is so loud when you are alone, but who you gag when FM gets home. You can force yourself to 'submit' or to listen, or to communicate. Please don't force yourself to reconnect. It will only come if you let it breath on its own.
    WHEN you are ready, talk, talk, talk, and talk some more. Sounds simple but we all know it isn't. Like I said to Ami, we all know communication, and we all think we know what it means, but the levels of it keep changing. Therefore it becomes difficult again for a time, to find the words. If this thing we do is what you want, and by the sounds of it in your post, it is....then fight for it. Fight yourself for it, and don't let your fear hold you back. The highs will be high again, and the lows less frequent.

    1. That's a perfect way to say it. I do keep thinking of it as going back. But you're right. It's not back, it's forward. :) thanks Willie.

  3. I think I've missed some posts Elle, but I can relate to that fear of hoping and expectations...that might go unmet. It's so hard. Hang in there and keep listening and does sound like you are doing that well with each other.

  4. It can be so hard to let go of expectations. I know it has been for me. But little by little I let them slide, hoping one day they will be gone. I've learned that talking about everything is what is helping us. If I assume he's thinking something I talk to him, if I feel a certain way, I talk to him. It isn't always convenient, it is usually NEVER easy, but it's helping. I hope you guys will find what works for you. I hope you find your security and trust and can get that elephant out of the room. {{{HUGS}}}