Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Frame of Mind

I don't know what it is, but my state of mind just hasn't been right lately.  I can't put my finger on it. It's something, but I honestly don't know what. It's like a back and forth, up and down, of good and bad. I'll be in a great headspace one minute.. Then a little while later, completely flipped. 

Last Friday? Saturday? One night... Fireman said we needed to do some maintenance. At first I was like, well, okay. I knew we probably did need it. I think our last Monday ritual was messed up.. I'm thinking it was probably my fault, but right now I can't remember exactly why. I'm sure we needed it. I got a shower, went to our room, stood there in my towel. I knew exactly what he wanted, he didn't even have to say anything. 

But I couldn't do it. 

I know. It's like the #1 deal breaker. No saying no to a spanking. No taking back consent. I swore I wouldn't do it again. I meant it. I won't take back consent. But in that moment, I just couldn't make myself shed the towel and lay across our bed. 


No idea. I like the whole kneeling thing. We have a thing ritual(?) on Monday nights. If you're not new here, you've read about it before. He texts me when he's on his way, Mondays are always fire-training night. He's usually later than the kids' bedtime and I have time to shower and get in place just as he's pulling in the driveway. Sometimes I have a couple extra minutes. I just wait, then hear him drive up and get ready. Our bed site up a little high, so we have this strange little stool I kneel on and lay across the bed waiting for him. 

It's complete control for him. I get in position and wait. I hear him. Sometimes he walks by our room to see me, make sure I'm there, then does a few quick things before entering our room. Other times he comes straight to me. Just depends. It's hot either way. To me, anyway. He walks in and places his hand(s) on my lower back and sits near me. Then maintenance is on, almost always followed by super-hot sex. 

Last Monday wasn't that way. So when Friday came, it really did need to happen. Needless to say, our weekend wasn't great. D.i.s.c.o.n.n.e.c.t. 

Sunday morning we were all up early thanks to the dumb time-change. (Seriously, that's like, the worst idea ever.)  I had a shower and washed my hair. I kept trying to figure out how to fix it. I wanted to offer up my behind and tell him I was sorry for messing it up all week. But I'm terrible expressing things vocally. I was trying to figure it out with the kids being up anyway.. I just couldn't say the words. 

I used the tv babysitter for #3, put 1&2 in a bubble bath. (And so no one judges, yes, they're old enough to bathe alone. We could hear them the whole time as well).  I walked in our room and thought about what to say exactly... Instead I just dropped the towel. An obvious invite ;) 

I felt a little better. I'm sure FM did too. 

Sunday was much better after that. We were up a little late watching The Walking Dead, lol, so no maintenance/reconnect on Sunday night. But last night was a different story. 

I fixed an early dinner so he could eat before he went to training. Before he walked out, he had instructions to get the kids in bed, shower, and be ready. Okay

Kids were a little late, but finally in bed. I was just finishing getting everything together for this morning when I got his text *heading to the car, ly*

When he got home, I was ready and we had a great reconnect. :)  We  need some new stuff though.. That's a little scary, but I think we are ready to branch out. 

I just want to keep this frame of mind. I don't want to fall back into the other.. Anyone else? Any recommendations? 

Next Tuesday is LOL (love our lurkers) day and I'm excited!!! It will be my first one. Last year, it helped bring me to publishing my very first post. Hope my lurkers will participate!!!! I'd love to hear from you :) 

Hope everyone has a great day!! 


  1. Well, I think its amazing how one missed encounter can turn a couple into a disconnected noncouple, but sadly I know exactly what you were describing. But I am glad you figured it out. :) Always seems to take me longer to admit that my action may have led to were we are...

  2. Hey Elle...happy to hear that you two were able to connect. As far as staying in that frame of mind, I would suggest you ask for a small daily task that is just for him...not anything huge or time-consuming...just a small something to remind you. I'm sure others will have better suggestions. Sending lots of positive energy your way.


    1. I love love love that idea Cat!! Thanks so much!

  3. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Something is off and that is okay. We have safe words. I can safe word out of any spanking for any reason. It is a safety net for both of us. Yes, Dragon knows me better than anyone else and he watches close during a spanking. But he has never claimed to be a mind reader.

    It usually ends in tears with me feeling like I let him down. He takes the time to reassure me that it is okay. We are okay and let's make love instead. I hope everything works out. Hugs

    1. That sounds like a good plan too. Thanks DR :)

  4. Oh I know exactly what youre talking about here! I'm glad you were able to reconnect though, and as for having it stay that way, if ya figure it out, let me know? ; )

    1. Will do!
      Unfortunately the only thing I can come up with is more frequent maintenance! Lol :)

  5. Hi Elle, I'm glad you were able to work it out and reconnect. Good on you for 'offering up your behind' :) It isn't an easy thing to do.


    1. You're definitely right! Not easy, but it needs to happen every now and then ;)