Monday, November 18, 2013

Saying no....

I've been trying to write this for some time, but I keep typing and erasing. I've been a terrible blogger lately, but I did love participating in LoL day 8. :) it was great 
to hear from everyone, lurker and non-lurker. It felt feels great to know there are people out there who actually like reading my posts. 

Thank you all so much for stopping by! 

I have a small problem.  I've said no. More than once. I've said I wouldn't do it anymore, but it happened again. I've since promised that I will try really hard and do my absolute best to not say no again... But I'm worried I will. 

I guess it's not as easy as I thought. 

Of course I can submit when I feel like it. I can go in for maintenance on Mondays and it's fine. It works out great, I feel great, we have that connection afterward. It's perfect. Unless we aren't getting along. That's when there's trouble. 

Or if it has been a while since we've had any connection.  Then I have some trouble. I don't think I've ever submitted to a punishment. Really. That's a little unbelievable, even for me to write, but it's true. I think I did in the very beginning, it was all very new and exciting then. (It's still exciting!) 

I find it very difficult to go when he says and it's not maintenance. Why? How can I fix it? Okay, so maybe I'm a little stubborn. But still. I've agreed to this lifestyle. I want this. I can't only have it when it's good with me, you know?  It won't work that way. 

Fireman said at one point that it's like he doesn't feel like HoH and that I'm still in control. That's certainly not what I want. At all. I do not want to be in charge. I want him to get back to that HoH position and feel confident like he does at time, but I want it to be all the time. 

I need to learn how to turn everything off and just listen when he says to go to our bedroom. I complain when he is inconsistent, but how can he be consistent when I'm not? He won't feel confident when he has no idea how I'll react. 
Sooo. If anyone has any suggestions, I'll take them all. 

 Thanks again to my lurkers and new readers, please comment again anytime! 
Hope everyone has a great day :) 
Xo, 
Elle 
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24 comments:

  1. Anastasia VitskyNovember 18, 2013 at 9:24 AM

    Probably the most effective incentive to go and submit when asked is the threat of spankings being taken away. It may sound counter-intuitive, but remember all those parenting lessons about children and power struggles? As soon as there is nothing to fight about, a lot of the resistance disappears. Wouldn't you feel worse if a spanking were threatened and nothing carried through? I bet if Fireman said go for a spanking and you had X minutes to do it or it wouldn't happen, eventually you'd listen. Maybe it would take a while, but then you'd both be happier.

    Hope you find something that works for you.

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 2:33 PM

      I think that's exactly how I need to look at it! That's perfect!
      You're right. I want this. And I would be devastated if it were all taken away. Thanks Anastasia!!

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  2. AnonymousNovember 18, 2013 at 9:47 AM

    Elle,
    When submission is hard, I always remember how I feel afterwards, how I melt into Jack's arms and know my world has been set right. He is fair, loving and knows what I need, You need to trust your guy and things will work out. But you already know that. Right?
    Meredith

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 2:34 PM

      I need to focus on that, too. I think I go all 'doom and gloom' instead of what needs to happen. Thanks Meredith!

      Delete
  3. willieNovember 18, 2013 at 11:14 AM

    Well I haven't had many punishment spankings and in the beginning they were almost a 'group' effort. They were also over things like not exercising or eating, or drinking too much. Things important to him, but not so much to the relationship. A couple of weeks ago I had my first one where I had all control really taken away. By that I mean I didn't have to get the kids out of the house. I didn't ask if I was in trouble. He just told me to go and get into position. For us punishment spankings have a different position than r/a. I did go upstairs. As I was there in position I literally thought, " Wilma what the HELL is the matter with you?" ( and not because of what I had done but because I felt utterly ridiculous !). I had to talk myself into staying there. I knew that this is what we needed to go ahead. I could have talked him out of my spanking quite easily, because I was all crampy and feel down right awful, but I didn't.
    My point is, you aren't alone. Lots of us don't want to submit. There is a line there where all of a sudden ttwd becomes all too real. And also where you feel a little silly for it. But I will tell you Elle, it made a HUGE difference being spanked when he was still emotionally invested in the incident. Let that be your lighthouse for submitting. It will do wonders for both of you, trust me.
    Before you get to that point, talk to FM. Tell him you are unsure why you can't do it. It is scary the unknown. Not the pain, that is a known, but where this type of spanking is going to take you emotionally is most likely the fear you have, even if you don't recognize it. Ah, ttwd so emotionally complicated. However the more times you hold your breath and jump into the water, the easier it gets and the stronger you both become because of it.
    Growth will come Elle. When you are ready. Ask for your husband's help, just as you have asked for ours. You know there is such a thing as Non consent, consent. Where some husbands/wives have concluded that the day after a punishment you can withdraw consent but not right before or right after. A thought
    Good luck
    willie

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 2:41 PM

      That's basically all the punishment that has happened with us as well, because I've said no. I feel absolutely terrible the day after, I always apologize and tell him how badly I feel about it. But then a situation will arise and I find myself saying no again.
      You're also right, sometimes I feel crazy, but then I'll feel like everything is worth it.
      It is very emotionally complicated. I find myself navigating waters I am certainly not used to.
      Thanks Willie ;)

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  4. abbyNovember 18, 2013 at 11:23 AM

    I think Ana has an interesting idea. Maybe if you also think of no as taking away some of His power as HOH....would you want it all to go away? No....by obeying you encourage Him to be HOH. You already know that..
    hugs abby

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 2:42 PM

      You're right too abby! That's how I need to look at it. I definitely don't want to take away his power. I love his power!

      Delete
  5. JuliaNovember 18, 2013 at 12:45 PM

    I know how this feels, and must to him too: You know say want this, don't like when he doesn't follow through, and then you say no and don't submit.
    I know I have done that, leading DH to say, you know, you are still the one in control, and I really didn't like hearing that because I felt like he was right. So, maybe think of exactly this post, your post, the next time you feel like saying no. Stop talking, think of this, and then try again. It is amazing how consistent a guy can become when he is in control....:)

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 2:43 PM

      Exactly. Thanks Julia! :)
      That's what I need. I need him to consistently be in control and I have to not take that away from him!!

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  6. Dragon's RoseNovember 18, 2013 at 12:49 PM

    It is hard to submit. It is very hard not to get your way. At heart, we are all toddlers. Right?

    We have overcome some of our dd issues with a heart to heart discussion and agreement. I have safe words that can be used at any time. That doesn't get me out of anything but it does allow for more discussion. And sometimes for my guilt to sink in. I can ask for a waiting period if one of us is angry. Anger and punishment do not go together. Punishment is never delayed. If it can't happen within 3 hours it doesn't happen. I can always appeal his decision but he still has final say.

    Good luck. I hope the two of you work things out.

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  7. FondlesNovember 18, 2013 at 12:59 PM

    i hate to play devil's advocate here but i think the fact that BIKSS doesn't believe in spankings makes me feel contrite enough that if i've done something horrid or acted up i'm usually so overcome with guilt that he feels it's punishment enough. THen when he's no longer angry and i'm not longer a raving lunatic he lets me explain everything, and then his solution is to forgive and cuddle. And i KNOW that he could spank me, but chooses not to, and that's what makes me try my darndest to be ON-track.

    I know that's not how DD works, but that's our D/s. I"m just saying perhaps you might tweak your own version of it and see if some other method works.

    (We do also spank for maintenance, reset etc. but the "punishment" label just doesn't do it for us.)

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 2:45 PM

      Thanks Fondles :) We definitely do have to tweak it. It's not one size fits all and sometimes I get a little caught up in that! :)

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  8. stay at home momNovember 18, 2013 at 1:50 PM

    Hi Elle,
    I can only agree with Meredith, that's what I feel too, most times. Sometimes there is a little resistance in me too, and hubby now and then takes a lot of time, to make clear what my mistake was, why I get a spanking. This happens, when I feel treated unfair, but when he talks to me about what had happened, I have always been able to see his point, understand what went wrong and accepted my punishments. They are always given for a reason.

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 2:46 PM

      Thanks Ni Na. I need to realize and see his point. He never makes me feel unfair :)

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    2. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 2:47 PM

      ** makes me feel like he's being unfair, I mean :)

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  9. Ami StarsongNovember 18, 2013 at 1:59 PM

    Is Fireman going further than you are able to cope with, and therefore you are making up excuses and using delaying tactics because you are finding it too much?

    When you are learning something, it is easy to go a bit too fast, to run before you can walk, to assume that because you know the ground rules you are capable of more than you actually are.

    I know it has happened with Dan and me - and I had to resort to advice from someone who was able to explain it was necessary to slow the tempo a little. Dan was simply getting rather carried away with the action - he wasn't doing it on purpose, but for me it was over the top. So we started more slowly the next time, and are now happily not only further than we were when we had the hiccup, but we understand each other better. He is more attuned to me and knows immediately it is getting so intense I can't cope.

    After all, Elle, you are not going out committing murder - so even a punishment should be carefully administered, or you can start to think of it what you are getting as way over the top. Sorry to sound shocking, and I am in no way accusing your poor husband of beating you or anything, but I can't think of any words that mean 'more than a severe spanking'. I hope you can understand what I am getting at? How our men can just swing that bit too hard and for that bit too long, and it becomes something wholly miserable to both.

    I think it is important that you are able to not only go upstairs, but choose the implement to fit the spanking. And I know, only too well, how difficult it is to get one's head around such a thing. My feet have been known to stick like glue to the stair treads! But I now absolutely trust Dan not to give me more than I can take - and whilst that trust has been pushed to the limits once or twice - it is more important to be able to"co-operate" when you know you have done something wrong, than when you are merely having a re-connection.

    Why don't you try handing him an implement without even being asked? Explain to him how difficult you find it to co-operate on certain occasions, and lay over his lap and tell him you trust him to give you what he thinks you need and what fits the 'crime'.

    You might be surprised. Sometimes it's not as bad as you think it's going to be. Other times, well, you just have to go with it... and ensure the arnica is close at hand! But DO talk all this through.

    I sense there is something more than reluctance between you, and if you can bring yourself to explain this to Fireman, then I think you will find acceptance rather easier. If he is like Dan, he finds it very difficult too, and could even have the same reluctance that you do, but he does his best to mask it.

    Best of luck Elle.

    Many hugs
    Ami

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 3:04 PM

      Thanks for all of that Ami! That isn't the problem here. He probably takes it way easier than he should. I know there has been more than one occasion where I felt like I needed more. (I have asked too! Maybe not every time..)
      I think he probably worries about that more than I do. I do place all of my trust in him. I know he won't go too far. He can tell the difference in my whiny ow's and my real ow's, lol :)
      For the majority of the time, I don't even feel much of it the next day.. unless there's a spot or something that turned to a bruise. Unfortunately I bruise super easy..
      That probably makes him more cautious than he needs to be too.
      I think the reluctance is unfortunately a power struggle... I think I've only just realized this by reading my comments.

      I'm so thankful for all of my blogger friends!
      Hugs :)

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  10. BlondieNovember 18, 2013 at 4:15 PM

    Elle, if I didn't know better I would think that you and I were related. I was so mad at my husband, during a punishment spanking, that I jumped and starting hitting him. My husband tells me all the time that I am submissive when and if I feel like being submissive. (Slight exaggeration) What has helped me is the discussion before the spanking. Kind of like discussing what I did wrong, what rule it broke and what have we agreed to do if I broke that rule. By then, I am ready to accept my punishment. I am really not good at being lectured during a spanking. But when we talk right before, I am doing what I agreed to do. I don't know if that will help or not but hopefully you two find something that works. Just don't hit him back - really bad consequences.

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 3:06 PM

      That sounds like something I would do!!! LOL! Maybe we are related Blondie! I do have blonde hair ;)
      That sounds like something that would work for me. I'll have to make sure FM sees this sugggestion :)
      Thanks Blondie!

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  11. AnonymousNovember 19, 2013 at 1:21 PM

    Hi Elle, :) Not sure what I can add to the great advice that you have gotten above, but I've had moments like these at times. Rob has grabbed the spatula and declared, "follow me" as he's walked to the bathroom and I've heard him turn on the dryer for white noise. I've murmured "nooooo" and slowly join him there anyway. At times like these, I realize that he's doing this for me, because I asked once, and for us, because the results have been pretty amazing really. And I trust him. So I walk on in. I don't have to go there, we don't have to do this, it's my choice really. But what do I really want? It could all go away. Would I be as happy? Would we? I guess that is what you have to consider. It means more discussion with FM I think. And maybe a safeword discussion of some sort, or one of the logistics of the spankings, if there is some worry there. I wish you well as you work through this! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. elle :)November 19, 2013 at 3:07 PM

      You're right too, Katie. I need to realize that I did ask for this. I'm the one that brought this to him, I trust him, I want this. I need to get over my crap, lol :)
      Thanks Katie! :)

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  12. FondlesNovember 20, 2013 at 7:15 AM

    hey i'm just wondering, would you feel better about offering a good time to get spanked? rather than feeling like the whole matter was out of your hands. so for example, if there is a spanking due, then the rule could be you have 3 days in which to tell him when you're ready for it. That way it could be easier for you to be mentally prepared... i'm just saying...

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