I wish i had a sexy, upbeat post, but no. The high I was riding is coming down crashing down.... I'm trying to pull up.. To snap out of it, but it's still a steady, slow, very imminent crash.
I took the evening off from my exercise class last night to be home with my fireman. I thought that would help. Yesterday was chaotic, the baby is not feeling well, #2 is my constant shadow, #1 is fighting me about everything, the cat is acting out, and pushing me completely over the edge is this headache that has been off and mostly on for a week. Plus, my birthday is 3 days away and it just doesn't feel like my birthday.
I thought staying home and veg~ing out was what I needed. I made dinner, fixed my fireman's bowl of chili, he even asked me to fix him a drink(!!). We spent a little time together after the kids got in bed, I had a bubble bath, and we had great sexxxxy time (hair pulling, anyone??? ::blush::)
Then this morning... Crash. The stupid headache is back, not enough time in the day, sick baby, plus my little shadow. I even text my fireman about feeling blah. He tried to help, really, but he's been so busy at work lately, it's hard for him to text as much as usual.
Baby to the doctor, he still has an infection in his throat :( We now see an ENT on next week. I know they're going to want to take his tonsils out and I'm very nervous :(
I get a text from my fireman after I pick up #1 from school and take her to her music class. *Do we have anything going on tonight?* I'm thinking no! Yay, he's going to say something about being together. Ummm, nope. My head was seriously not being smart. After my reply of *No, why?* I relieve a follow-up text about a possible fire and how he might go and blah blah blah. *Oh, fine*, I text back. Ding. Ding. Ding. I am busy, but also not making time to check my text.
*Are you ignoring me?* I finally catch a glimpse of the last one. *No, I'm busy.* A few minutes later, I think no. I'm not going to lie and just be mad later. We talk for a second and he says he's not going to be gone for hours. Alright, fine. I really was busy.
I don't know. Why do we have to get in these crabby moods? Why can I just ride the high continuously? And the most important... How do I snap out of it?
Hopefully I'll have a better, more fun, interesting post tomorrow morning....
Xo
Elle
****** edit
Almost immediately after this posted, my mother-in-law brought some delishy dinner, my fireman made the kids plates while I rested on the couch. This headache has knocked me down today. I went in to help and he had everything done! I made one cup, he had the other two all ready.
He made me a plate and even offered to get me more when I wanted it. He fixed me a glass of sweet tea and handed me two pills to take. How sweet is he?!
I am already out of my crabby mood and want to sit super close to my amazing hubby.
Hopefully he won't go too hard on me later if he decides on maintenance or a punishment for ignoring and being super crabby.
:)
I paid for my sassiness and bad attitude, but I completely deserved to. Probably deserved even worse than what I got, but maybe I just have a graceful HoH.
I posted yesterday (Mindset) that I just didn't feel submissive. I want to be. I want to give him complete control. I trust him with everything that I have, I just still struggle with completely getting my mind right.
Last night, the girls finally fell asleep around midnight. The baby had fallen asleep much earlier, I think. The girls were just relentless. Drinks, then a snack, potty.. It was endless. Once they were asleep, I knew it was coming. I had just hit publish on my article and laid the iPad down (I know. I guess I haven't learned my lesson that blogger + iPad = disaster).
I was sitting on our couch and he stood in front of me. What? You know catchy what. Lets go. Um, well, I'm not exactly feeling it right now. Too bad. It's not really your decision. I complied. I really did not want to, but I did.
I turned around on the couch but didn't really present my behind to him. One last act of defiance, I suppose. Just for the record, I feel terribly about all of this now. One final direction from him... I'm going to let you keep your pants, but you're going to count and after each one, you're going to say thank you. Uh, I don't think so. Oh yes, you are. No, I'm definitely not. On my side, he was definitely bringing up this new rule idea at the worst possible time. On his side, it really didn't matter and he can make whatever rule he wants to. I refused. (Oh I know. Absolutely dreadful. I'm telling you my mindset was awful last night!) I did end up apologizing for being so rude about it, before I fell asleep. I will do it in the future if he truly wants me to. Although, I'd really rather count and then say thank you at the end.
We had one other problem.. Striking in the exact same place. His preferred implement is kind of similar to a belt. I'm not tiny, but I'm not heavy either. I'm smaller than what is claimed to be average, but I have curves. Definitely not a stick. He says because there's not much real estate back there, it's hard to not strike the same spot. I got quite a little angry when he got the same place three times in a row. I let him know, too. He finished, and let me know he was done.
I was still not in the right place. I was closer, but it still wasn't there. He sat down in the chair and I glanced at him. Okay, feedback? He just looked at me for a moment. In my head I was debating on telling him we needed a do-over. We need to approach things differently. Then, suddenly he said, I feel like I need to redo that. We talked about why, talked about a few possibilities of changing things up. My mind was slowly getting to the correct place.
I think we need more strikes at varied intensities. And maybe also changing up implements. Okay, I can maybe try that. I don't think he's big on the idea though. I almost think he wants a higher intensity, but less strikes. That doesn't help me feel it though. I don't want the warm behind to leave after a few short minutes. I don't want extreme pain, just a happy medium.
Are you doing it over? I want to. Well, I was going to suggest it also. I'm okay with you redoing as long as you stay away from the one place. He went to get a small paddle (like a child's toy with the ball on the string.. Quite thin, but he likes it).
No pants this time. Panties? said with a smile. No. Replied with no smile. He proceeded to randomly alternate his hand and the paddle. It helped A LOT. I was completely where I needed to be after that short redo session. My behind was very warm as I crawled into our complimentary warm bed. All night I was aware of the one spot, turns out I have a bruise. I thought maybe it would bother my fireman (I actually bruise easier than I'd like, lol), but he saw it during the redo session. I was actually proud that he kept going!!
Then today we got a quick moment alone at home. He joked about giving me a speedy maintenance session before we left to visit some of my family. Okay, do you really want to? Actually, I do really want to. Okay. Lets go in there (gestures toward the living room/our bedroom). I started to climb up on the couch, but then realized we were alone! We could use our room! Wherever you're the most comfortable. Aww. Bed it is! I got 10 not too bad swats with that almost-like-a-belt implement. I asked what about the different implement and different intensities? No, just this for now. Finnnnnnnee.
So, three spankings in less than 24 hours. I guess it was probably more like 18 hours. That's more than I've ever gotten before. Wonder if I will get Christmas Eve maintenance? I guess we will see..
I didn't think I was going to have a blog post today. I certainly didn't plan to. Sometimes, I'll know what I want to write about as soon as I wake up. Other times, something will happen and that will give me an idea that I'll evolve into a post at some point.
I fell asleep last night. I should've had a punishment coming for being disrespectful when he arrived home from work yesterday. Read about that on Behaving when I completely jinxed myself. With #1 (our oldest daughter, she's in kindergarten) being on Christmas break, bedtime has gotten a little later. I knew it was coming, but I ended up falling asleep on the couch waiting for them to go to sleep.
However, my fireman didn't acknowledge a punishment or maintenance for the evening. I wasn't sure if he would follow through or not. Turns out, he wanted to, but it just didn't happen. Have I mentioned how I despise delayed punishment?! It drives me crazy... Seeing as how I'm not an HoH and never will be, there's not much I can do about it.
Then there's my mindset. Sometimes I am ready and completely willing to submit (for lack of a better word) for my maintenance or punishment. I generally know when I'm going to receive one or the other at the end of the day, so I'm ready. Typically I've made peace with it, to some degree. I'm ready to just put it behind us and be on the receiving end of a spanking.
Other times, not so much. Like right now. He's acknowledged that I have one coming. Part maintenance, part punishment. (That's just how he does it. I know that's different than what others do). We talked earlier about how I assumed he just forgot about things last night. He explained that he didn't, but he just kept waiting for the kids to really sleep. I just don't have the right mindset at the moment.
I know dd is good for us. I know it works, especially for us. I just don't know how to get in the right mindset and stay there, especially before a punishment. Honestly, I was hoping writing this would help. I'm unsure it has, but we will see. I can sink into a bad attitude... Quickly. It's like a sinking ship, I'm going down, but my nice self turns into a sassy, almost bratty alternate. It's not a fun trip for me. I really don't enjoy the sassy attitude, but she doesn't care and hangs around sometimes.
Fortunately, my fireman can typically deal with her. She hasn't made many appearances since we began ttwd, but I'm afraid she's here now. Someone tell her to back the f#^# off. I believe I know just who will be the one to tell her... The baseball bat in that picture kind of looks like a paddle.... Yikes.
I dunno. Any suggestions will be gladly appreciated. I'm sure I'll figure it out. If not, I'm pretty sure he'll take care of it.
Xo
~Elle
