Birthdays & punishments

"Aren't you getting a bath?"

"Yep."

"Well get to it then"

I can see what I'm in for. HoH hat on completely. I get everything ready for the next day for my school-going one and start my water. Super hot with scents and softening ingredients, he turns my water off and I get undressed. 

I don't stay in super long... But I realize I didn't bring any clothes in with me. It's still somewhat early. The kids have only been in bed for a short time. I come out of the bathroom wrapped in a big towel. He nods and gets up. 

Wait a minute.. Isn't it early? 

Nope. Everything is fine. Go ahead. He looks down at the little stool I kneel on. I'll go make sure. 

I get into my spot and wait. I expect him to have me lean up so he can climb onto the bed and me lay across him like we usually do. He walks up behind me and places his hand on my lower back, removed it, then says "You know this is punishment. It's not regular maintenance or for fun. It's because you are in trouble." 

"Yes, but it was just a minor infraction."

Smack... The weird leather strappy thing comes down harder than usual. "Two infractions."

"Oww yes, two.. But still..." Smack.. "Minor!"

"Yes. But it's still punishment."

He continues and I say ow more than once. When he feels it's enough, he stops and says "okay. Your punishment is over."

I wasn't really sure what to do.. Do I get up? Stay? I just wait a second. 

"Come in here with me" as he walks to the living room. I get up and follow him in. I go to sit beside him and he points to the floor in front of him. No, right here. 

"Which way?"

"Facing me." I get into my spot and he says "now show me some attention."

Yummmmmm. And the rest was the end of a great birthday ;) 

Hope everyone has a great weekend! 

Elle 

celebration :)

Yesterday I asked for control for just a couple hours.  

But it's not for what you think :) It's Fireman's birthday!! I needed to surprise him and so I asked if I could have control for just one or two hours last night.  He kept pressing.. why? I can't tell you... but whyyyy? LOL.  

He didn't want to give it up.  He wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen.  I just wanted to surprise him and take him to his favorite restaurant. One that he generally won't go to, because it's slightly pricey and somewhat far away.  I organized it all and didn't want him to get in his own way of enjoying it. 

I sweetened the deal a little.  
I sent this text *I just need to be in charge from... Okay, maybe just 5-6. I'll make it up to you. As soon as the kids are in bed, you can do whatever you want :) come onnnnnn.  That's a pretty good incentive.*

*Lol. Alright. *

So he let me know when he was on his way.  I wasn't at home, #1 & #2 had a class, so I said don't come here, just go home and get dressed.  Dressed how? Just jeans and a cute shirt.  

I let him know when we were on our way, but he insisted on driving.  I held out as long as I could, then let him figure it out.  He smiled and we all had a great dinner. We didn't get to sit next to each other, but we did steal some glances at each other. 

Turns out, he kinda blew the whole "do anything you want" thing.  He didn't realize just exactly what I meant.. so when I told him he blew it, (in a joking way) he informed me that I was in trouble anyway... for breaking a rule we agreed on during the day.  It's a minimal rule, but I still broke it.. and then he remembered that I forgot to lock my car the evening before also, oops.  

I didn't say no, but I did say that if he wanted to postpone everything until tonight, that was fine with me.  I will still so full from dinner and I knew he was too.  He just grinned and agreed.  :) Yay for progress! 

I'm curious to see how tonight will go.  How he will incorporate two rule breaks and what else he may want.  It is his birthday after all :)

Hopefully I'll have a good update for tomorrow!
xo, 
Elle

A Power Struggle.. who knew?!

I so appreciate everyone's comments from my last post.  Blogland is such a great, supportive place.  I can always count on you guys for honesty and awesome feedback.  I really thing all of you have helped keep ttwd going for Fireman & I. 

There were a few that really made me realize an issue that I think might be going on.  I think at some times, it comes down to a power struggle.  In that moment of an argument or disagreement, I don't want to let go.  I don't want to give him all the power (or even 51% lol).  In that moment, I am not proud of who I am... at all.. but it happens.  

I have since realized that I need to remember that I'm the one that introduced ttwd to him.  I am the one who wanted it a little over a year ago.  Probably even before that... but that's when I was courageous enough to bring it up.  

Maybe now that I see that giving him the confidence will only help increase his consistency, I'll be able to give up all my head games and just submit like I want to.  I certainly don't want him to feel like I don't want to give him my submission.  I really, really, really do.  I trust him with everything. I have told him that, but I want him to know I mean it. 

I realize that he will never know I mean it if I try to regain the control in any situations.  

I want him to know that in our ttwd, he can have anything he wants.. anytime he wants.. and I want him to know that I truly mean it.  :)  I hope he believes me and anytime he would like to test this promise, he is welcome to.  

Thanks again Blogland friends! 
xo, 
Elle

Saying no....

I've been trying to write this for some time, but I keep typing and erasing. I've been a terrible blogger lately, but I did love participating in LoL day 8. :) it was great 

to hear from everyone, lurker and non-lurker. It felt feels great to know there are people out there who actually like reading my posts. 

Thank you all so much for stopping by! 

I have a small problem.  I've said no. More than once. I've said I wouldn't do it anymore, but it happened again. I've since promised that I will try really hard and do my absolute best to not say no again... But I'm worried I will. 

I guess it's not as easy as I thought. 

Of course I can submit when I feel like it. I can go in for maintenance on Mondays and it's fine. It works out great, I feel great, we have that connection afterward. It's perfect. Unless we aren't getting along. That's when there's trouble. 

Or if it has been a while since we've had any connection.  Then I have some trouble. I don't think I've ever submitted to a punishment. Really. That's a little unbelievable, even for me to write, but it's true. I think I did in the very beginning, it was all very new and exciting then. (It's still exciting!) 

I find it very difficult to go when he says and it's not maintenance. Why? How can I fix it? Okay, so maybe I'm a little stubborn. But still. I've agreed to this lifestyle. I want this. I can't only have it when it's good with me, you know?  It won't work that way. 

Fireman said at one point that it's like he doesn't feel like HoH and that I'm still in control. That's certainly not what I want. At all. I do not want to be in charge. I want him to get back to that HoH position and feel confident like he does at time, but I want it to be all the time. 

I need to learn how to turn everything off and just listen when he says to go to our bedroom. I complain when he is inconsistent, but how can he be consistent when I'm not? He won't feel confident when he has no idea how I'll react. 

Sooo. If anyone has any suggestions, I'll take them all. 

Thanks again to my lurkers and new readers, please comment again anytime! 
Hope everyone has a great day :) 
Xo, 
Elle 

Love my lurkers :)

Morning everyone :) 

Just in case you haven't seen other blogs yet, today is Love Our Lurkers day!!!!  It's the day when those of you who read, but generally don't comment, take a second to say hello. 

I know it's scary, but you can use a pseudonym. You don't have to list anything personal or give any revealing information. I was a lurker just like you last year. I saw LOL day on a few blogs that I'd been reading and got brave and said hello. 

Those few comments lit a tiny spark in me and a little while later, I began my own blog. I have (online) met so many nice people. Everyone in this community has been friendly and helpful. We are an amazing and fun group of people. And we all love our readers, lurkers and commenters. 

Please decide to say hello!! I'd love to hear from you :) 

We will make it fun too. Ask anything and I'll answer. Anything at all :) 

Have a great day being celebrated lurkers!!!! 
Xo, 
Elle 

It's not just for me...

I apologize in advance for any crazy typos. I'm waiting at the kids' extra-curricular stuff and had an idea for a post. I'm hoping my new iPhone is a little more blogger friendly. It seems to be already, it's much faster. I would've still been waiting on pages to load with my old phone.

I realized earlier that this whole thing isn't just for me. It's for him, too. It's for both of us. I know ttwd has given him a sense of self that has carried over into other aspects of his life. It has mine, too. I don't worry about other people so much, if that makes sense.  My relationship is the most important thing, where before who knew where it fell?

Although I'm not very good at verbalizing my needs.., as we are well working on (insert sad face), I am good at texting. I have asked for spankings when I have felt like I needed one. I can sometimes spot the spinning out of control that is looming on the horizon. Sometimes I can't and unfortunately he can't always either. I think that's something he needs to work on!! ;)  

Sometimes I just don't want to lose that connection. You know, that super yummy feeling you have that lingers after a really good/hot/delicious/whatever-adjective-you'd-like-to-use spanking session. It's like a drug that I'm addicted to. The more it happens, the more I want it. The more I crave it. However, the reverse is true also. The less it happens, the less I want it. The less connected I feel, the less important.

Then sometimes, I feel like he needs it.

I know he sometimes just needs that stress relief of smacking his hand against my ass too. :)
I don't think he's ever admitted to me that he needs it every once in a while, but  I think it's true. If I can pick up on it, I'll tell him we should have a spank appointment. He is happy to oblige.

We just had one on Monday, but I'm pretty sure we need one tonight.

Happy hump day!
Elle

Frame of Mind

I don't know what it is, but my state of mind just hasn't been right lately.  I can't put my finger on it. It's something, but I honestly don't know what. It's like a back and forth, up and down, of good and bad. I'll be in a great headspace one minute.. Then a little while later, completely flipped. 

Last Friday? Saturday? One night... Fireman said we needed to do some maintenance. At first I was like, well, okay. I knew we probably did need it. I think our last Monday ritual was messed up.. I'm thinking it was probably my fault, but right now I can't remember exactly why. I'm sure we needed it. I got a shower, went to our room, stood there in my towel. I knew exactly what he wanted, he didn't even have to say anything. 

But I couldn't do it. 

I know. It's like the #1 deal breaker. No saying no to a spanking. No taking back consent. I swore I wouldn't do it again. I meant it. I won't take back consent. But in that moment, I just couldn't make myself shed the towel and lay across our bed. 

Why?

No idea. I like the whole kneeling thing. We have a thing ritual(?) on Monday nights. If you're not new here, you've read about it before. He texts me when he's on his way, Mondays are always fire-training night. He's usually later than the kids' bedtime and I have time to shower and get in place just as he's pulling in the driveway. Sometimes I have a couple extra minutes. I just wait, then hear him drive up and get ready. Our bed site up a little high, so we have this strange little stool I kneel on and lay across the bed waiting for him. 

It's complete control for him. I get in position and wait. I hear him. Sometimes he walks by our room to see me, make sure I'm there, then does a few quick things before entering our room. Other times he comes straight to me. Just depends. It's hot either way. To me, anyway. He walks in and places his hand(s) on my lower back and sits near me. Then maintenance is on, almost always followed by super-hot sex. 

Last Monday wasn't that way. So when Friday came, it really did need to happen. Needless to say, our weekend wasn't great. D.i.s.c.o.n.n.e.c.t. 

Sunday morning we were all up early thanks to the dumb time-change. (Seriously, that's like, the worst idea ever.)  I had a shower and washed my hair. I kept trying to figure out how to fix it. I wanted to offer up my behind and tell him I was sorry for messing it up all week. But I'm terrible expressing things vocally. I was trying to figure it out with the kids being up anyway.. I just couldn't say the words. 

I used the tv babysitter for #3, put 1&2 in a bubble bath. (And so no one judges, yes, they're old enough to bathe alone. We could hear them the whole time as well).  I walked in our room and thought about what to say exactly... Instead I just dropped the towel. An obvious invite ;) 

I felt a little better. I'm sure FM did too. 

Sunday was much better after that. We were up a little late watching The Walking Dead, lol, so no maintenance/reconnect on Sunday night. But last night was a different story. 

I fixed an early dinner so he could eat before he went to training. Before he walked out, he had instructions to get the kids in bed, shower, and be ready. Okay. 

Kids were a little late, but finally in bed. I was just finishing getting everything together for this morning when I got his text *heading to the car, ly*

When he got home, I was ready and we had a great reconnect. :)  We  need some new stuff though.. That's a little scary, but I think we are ready to branch out. 

I just want to keep this frame of mind. I don't want to fall back into the other.. Anyone else? Any recommendations? 

Next Tuesday is LOL (love our lurkers) day and I'm excited!!! It will be my first one. Last year, it helped bring me to publishing my very first post. Hope my lurkers will participate!!!! I'd love to hear from you :) 

Hope everyone has a great day!! 
Xo, 
Elle