Sunday, April 7, 2013

A big disconnect

*** long post warning. Feel free to skip it.. It's really just to try to organize my thoughts anyway =\ 

I have a feeling this post will be a big jumble of thoughts. I can't get my thoughts organized. I'm in a tunnel.. A fog. It's dark and unclear. Nothing fits together, nothing makes much sense. 

In the past three days, I think fireman and I have spoken less than 100 words. In THREE days. Even by text. Most of the conversations from the past few days fit on one or two screens.  In my last post, I wrote about how we are great at texting and talking to each other. I don't really know what happened. Or maybe I do. Deep down somewhere, maybe. But I can't figure it out. 

Thursday we took the kids on a day trip. It was fun, but even then we barely spoke in the car. The kids watched movies on the DVD player to and from.. But we mostly sat in silence. Looking back now, we didn't even hold hands, which is very odd for us. Usually his hand is on my leg or even between them.. Sometimes it's holding on to the back of my neck or just holding my hand. But this day, nothing. 

At the facility we were even disconnected. We didn't really talk or anything. He almost seemed preoccupied, looking back. I don't know. I spoke to him a few times, but he wasn't really paying attention. I tried to just let it go (big step for me, by the way). I never said anything about it or let it get to me. It was busy and we were both trying to make sure the kids were having fun, I think. 

On the way home, nothing good was on the radio, so he gave me his old iPod. I switched one song before it was over and that's where everything blew up. It sounds stupid even typing it... But that's how it happened. He completely chastised me and I was actually kind of shocked. I was just switching the song to one that was old and reminded me of one we listened to when we were first dating. I turned the song back, waited for it to be over, and just turned on the radio and tuned everything out. It was hard to hold back the tears.

No other words were exchanged that night. The next day the texts were so minimal, you wouldn't have even caught them if you weren't paying attention. Friday night we ran down to the mall, but barely talking. Definitely not speaking about anything important. When we got back home, more distance. 

All week, I have just felt alone. Monday he was late, Tuesday late, Wednesday I was late, then he changed the oil in my car. Thursday the trip, and so on. It's been so stressful with the little girl I watch. She's just not behaviorally where my kids are. I can take my kids to lunch and they're generally very good. An occasional argument about who is sitting where, but other than that good. This kid screams at the drop of a hat. She throws fits, she fights, it's exhausting. 

I haven't even gotten paid for watching her last week yet. Super fair, huh? It's a tricky situation, because we are related and I don't feel like I can get out. Plus, the money helps out sometimes... When they actually give it to me. I don't think I should have to ask for it. They don't ask for theirs from their employer. I have vented to FM about it. While I really don't know what I expect him to do... His general response is I'm sorry. I know, this all sounds so stupid. 

I think her giving me stress and anxiety all day is starting to wear on me, though. And now with the no check and no mention of one.. Is it worth it at all?  I try to stay positive. I try to think every day will be better than the last and that she will get easier as she gets bigger, but she hasn't. At all. If anything, she's gotten worse.  I just don't know. It feels like he doesn't really care, like we just need the money so I need to deal with it. I try to just deal with it, but the she does something and I want to pull my hair out. 

This weekend, he's at a fire-related class until around 5. So alone again.  He's really busy too, so even if we were communicating by text, it is virtually impossible. 

Yesterday (by text) I told him I just felt lost. Everything is weird and I just feel lost. 

*I know. 
We need to talk and I want to talk. 
Obviously I can't now, but we will have to find the time and a way to do so after I get home.*

*I don't really have anything to say.*

*Well I do. So we'll talk later.*

I fix the kids lunch, clean up the kitchen, and get #2 & #3 asleep. #1 was watching tv, so I caught up on Nashville on the iPad in our room. It was a nice escape and I was actually looking forward to talking. 

I was still laying on the bed when he came in. He was gone for what felt like forever, showering and changing clothes. I was half-asleep when he came in and laid down too.  I was patiently waiting............. When he finally said something. 

Do you love me? 

I do. 

Then can you just show me sometimes

Long pause. I thought he was being playful at first and starting an honest conversation. 

That's slightly offensive.

I was, once again, shocked. Seriously? If anyone knows who loves the other, he knows I do. I (expletive) tell him all the time how I can't function when he's not here. I can't. I don't do well when he's gone, I don't like to be here without him. I do every single thing I do, FOR him.  And yet, he still asks me that? Wtf? 

We don't kiss. We used to. A lot. When we were dating, 10 years ago, he used to hate when I wore lipstick. So I stopped. I still don't wear any... But we don't kiss at all. There is something wrong with that, right? 

I mean, I'm saying maybe once or twice a month we will maybe kiss. Maybe a tiny make out during sex, but no more. I'm not exaggerating,.. Or un-exaggerating. It's been this way for YEARS. 

I've been all but begging for a date night. We've still not had one since the one I posted about a while back. The one where his mom was supposed to keep the kids all night for us. I was going to give him total control over everything as soon as they left.  It never happened. It hasn't happened since then.  

I just went back and looked, that was at the beginning of March, end of February :( 

I know it's hard when you have kids to get away, but isn't that one of the most important things?  I am always the one who plans a date night. Or asks if we can do one.. or figures out something we can do.  And he asks me if I love him? 

This isn't even about the dd that has been completely absent for I don't know how long.  3 weeks? I think maybe 3 weeks.  No maintenance. No reconnection. No role-affirmation. Nothing.  I haven't said a word.  I was just waiting it out.  I had barely blogged about it until earlier this week.  I saw my blog was pulled up on his phone, but he never said anything about it.  I didn't get any feedback or comments. 

Speaking of, I'm sorry I've sucked at replying to comments too.  I'm going to work on that.. 

I slept on the couch last night.  He asked around 11:15 or so if I was ready to go to bed.  I didn't think I could go in there and lay beside him in silence.  I just shrugged and he went without me.  I turned a movie from the DVR on and did not expect him to come back in the living room.  He never does.  If we are arguing or having a problem, he can go right to sleep. It's always been that way. 

I used to wait and wait and wait for him to come console me or ask me to come to bed with him, etc.. but he never, ever did.  So, I just stopped waiting for it.  

This morning, I heard him telling the girls goodbye.  I was awake, but not up.  He never kissed me goodbye, he just left.  More tears.  More fog.  

I asked him why... he texted back that me coming to bed with him is like him kissing me goodbye in the morning.  

*You just went right to sleep.  It wouldn't have even mattered.  I was up when your tv went off. I don't know what your problem is.*

*My problem isn't necessarily you. So know that. 
It just seems like once a month or so you become almost distant.  Like mentally.  Your state of mind and mood just swings to a bad place.  A lot of times maybe it just lasts a day.  This time, it's been like over a week.  The distance from you causes a rift. And then stress and chaos at home just separates us and thing just blow up like this.

So my problem isn't you, it's me not being able to close that rift and change your state of mind before things fall apart like this.*

I haven't replied.  I don't know what to say.  I've given him all the tools to 'take care of' any mood issues.. but he doesn't utilize them.  I researched and researched this lifestyle because I knew it would help us.. and he's half-assed the effort.  One week is amazing.. then it falls apart.  

I don't know what else to do.  I swore I wouldn't take consent back, but that doesn't matter when it's not even apparent in our lives.  

Thanks for reading if you actually made it this far.  Eventually, this post might be taken down, I don't know.  It was more for me anyway.  


  1. I can't offer much consolation, my dear, except to say that it is so often the way things seem to go. Never a quiet, soft undulating of moods and energy - more like dramatic highs and lows. Ian and I lived for many years with virtually nothing much happening on the marital front, now it seems like we are adrift on stormy seas and seeking to calm things down... about once a month.....
    I don't know why, except to say that at the end it often seems like we have learned something and grown a little. Look for the little things that you might be realizing in the midst of the sea sickness.

    1. Thanks Lillie. Your words are always so insightful and welcome!

  2. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. I am sorry you are feeling so lost and confused. I know that is a horrible place to be. I hope you find yourself in a better place soon. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.


  3. Aw, I really wish I had some great advice or knew something to say to help the situation, because I really feel for you. I know how it feels to give someone all the tools and the ok to use the dd kind of lifestyle, and then for them to just not use it. All I can say is, keep working on it. Work on making yourself happy and then work on being happy together. I really hope it gets better for you soon.. its certainly not easy.

    1. Thanks Kenzie! We have talked it out and we are 100% better :)

  4. {{elle}} i'm sorry. i've been married 19 years and have been in that fog at one time or another, and it's incredibly lonely when there's distance--like you two are feeling right now. i am so sorry.

    we're new to ttwd, but that doesn't mean i can't give you my two cents...

    the professor and i had a huge HUGE disconnect a couple years ago and it was life-threatening, i honestly thought we were over but was more in love with him than i'd ever been in my life...but things were so OFF. it was a massive divide and i missed him SO much and he was right there in the bed next to me, but honestly he could have been miles away. it was the lowest time in my life, and his too.

    we were still in love so we KNEW we could repair this fraction. we started out slowly... and remember, this is BEFORE i ever discovered DD so this might work for you too, since you're on a "break" right now.

    he asked me out for coffee... on a saturday morning. we started going for coffee EVERY saturday morning. i'd get a neighbor to let the kids play or if our son was home he would watch the younger ones.

    and we'd just talk. about nothing. and everything. we would hold hands. and kiss.


    just tonight, he came home and said, "let's take a drive" so we did and we went on the back roads and found a little spot and just kissed. it was so sweet. we forget that in our hearts we're still those two young kids who fell in love.

    you gotta go back to that. you CAN do this. i know you are the one to always make the first move, but one more time, just do this...

    go to him and say, 'let's kiss more. let's just get in the car and find a spot and kiss.' i'm pretty sure he'd do that. my professor loves kissing but for whatever reason we just stopped MAKING THE TIME for something so wonderful and intimate as kissing.

    you're in my thoughts and close to my heart. i feel your sorrow. i hope you two find your way back to each other soon, because there's nothing worse than feeling desperation and loneliness. i am so sorry, elle.


    1. Maryanne. Thank you so much for all of this. You are so right. We need to have those few minutes alone with each other and we are going to work on it. We get so wrapped up in everything else we are doing and I always fear we will get disconnected forever.

      I hate the place I was in when I wrote this, but I'm much better now. We have talked, we need to talk more, and continue talking.

      I'm going to read your comment a few more times together it stuck in my head. :)

      Thank you so much :)

  5. Sorry about this, Elle.

    For all that he is nominally HoH, you must sometimes be proactive. Don't use DD as an excuse to do nothing positive. No matter what you are feeling like, if you want to kiss and he isn't initiating it, you must do it yourself. It's not impossible. Just step around your emotional state for a little moment, grab your husband forcibly and kiss him. Do not be put off if there is not much immediate response. Find some strength in yourself and do it again soon, he'll likely pick it up and be very thankful if you persist. You say, "I've given him all the tools to 'take care of any mood issues", but a submissive DD wife is not a weak, co-dependent woman; in fact it takes some strength of character to submit. DD may be a marvellous tool, but there is no single cure for human troubles. Whatever your life style, your emotional state is primarily your own responsibility.

    A few nights ago I suggested to Rose, how about a goodnight kiss every night when in bed together? She agreed instantly, and so far we haven't missed. Could you try that? It's a small step but might start you on your way to a better place.

    I'm well aware that women are supposed to be emotional creatures; but this is a stereotype that need not necessarily apply all the time. Men have emotions too and they can be just as debilitating. If he is not doing what you think has to be done, then you have to take charge at least temporarily and make things go as you think they should. Women are just as strong emotionally as men, basically; quite often much stronger. Forget DD stereotypes and do yourself what seems necessary for the health of your relationship.

    And if you are not getting paid for child care work and it's bugging you, stop doing it.

    Wishing you all the best.


    1. Malcolm, you hit the nail on the head. I forget too often that he's emotional too and needs certain things from me, too.
      I love the bedtime kissing routine. I will certainly suggest that.
      Thank you :)

  6. Elle, I'm sorry you are feeling so lost at the moment. I know it's a lonely place to be.

    I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I hope you can reconnect and talk through these issues and find a way forward.

    Huge (((Hugs)))

  7. Hi Elle, I don't know if any thing any of us says will help you but for what it's worth here's my twopenny worth. We have been married for over thirty years and for us too there were a lot of times like this. Years of I actually, the no kissing, the leading parallel lives, we did always manage to sleep in the same bed but there was no sex for a very long time. We didn't have any tools to help us, no useful relatives, no dd, no blogging nothing. Christ knows how we got this far BUT we did and so are you going to. I think maybe you need to give each other a break, looking after your kids plus a naughty one is hard, he needs to support you there, if you want to moan about that it is fine, I know he works long hours and you need to let him be tired and not up to the rest of life at times. Life is all about compromise. I am obviously old enough and bossy enough to be you mum so if you want to talk to me let me know. One thing I will say is, always get in that bed, you can't talk in different rooms can you sweetie? I really feel for you, life is hard at times, but I am sure that if you two can get over these difficulties your marriage will be stronger
    lots of love Jan.xx

    1. Than you so much Jan :). You're right, no talking in separate rooms. He does give support, I need to always remember that.

  8. Elle,
    There are no real words of advice.
    I can think of no more consolation then: this happens, it did happen to others, and again it will happen. It is the way relationships develop. And DD relationships do it extremer.
    And I know, that does not help you or Fireman at all, right now.
    You must somehow regain that mutual trust, that what ever happens you are there for the other.
    DD will not work at all, without that trust being there.
    Open up to each other!

    Oh well, I can best stop here, you two know what to do, much better than anybody else.


  9. You are very stressed with all those 'littles', school, meals, tantrums. Fireman is working hard and you pass like ships in night. I am sorry you feel so exhausted and disconnected. I can only tell you we went through many years of a similar existence.

    We don't kiss that often either I suppose, but we have little interludes of closeness and affection that we never used to have. I think the pace of life has a lot to do with it. Also, Starman has always been a bit reserved. Less so as he gets older perhaps.

    This is only an idea - but could you perhaps find a bit of time, before you go to sleep, and you are in bed, to just play? Not spanking or Dd of any sort unless in fun. Just good honest playfulness. If it leads to sex that's fine, but it doesn't have to. And then, just tell him how much you love him. And cuddle him. Because it seems to me that it's a bit WHS that's coming over here. You know, a little neglect? So if you feel neglected too, then a lot of hugs and stroking and cuddles could help I think.

    But it's only a thought, and I do hope you are soon feeling sunnier.

    Many hugs


    1. I have cuddled him the past two nights and I think it's helped him :) we are working through all this mess and we will come out stronger :)

  10. It is like a pebble in a shoe isn't it? He hurt your feelings because you were already in a raw spot, and he sounds like he was tired too. These are not excuses, just reasons. This is an area where you haven't been for a while, thankfully due to Dd, and well the communication aspect of it. So insert pebble. It starts to rub, causing discomfort. After a while the discomfort causes pain, and then strangely enough after a while the pain becomes numb. Numb that is until you remove your shoe and the pain flairs up again, but also you begin to heal.

    I know you posted this the other day so I hope you have started to find your way back to each other. Barney and I had travelled a similar path the past little while as you and your fireman. And sadly the kissing thing too. How is it that that disappears before sex? Anyway, I am going to discuss this in a post, but I will share with you here first. I had a nightmare, and I found myself cuddled up to B. He didn't really wake up, but he kissed my head. Soon I became too hot, and rolled away. He followed. The next day wasn't any different in our waking hours, but that night after his late shift, he climbed in bed, wrapped his arm around me and held my hand. Once again no words were said. I think that made it easier for us. To start in the dark, with small touches. Neither expecting anything in return. BUT hopefully you don't need this information now.

    I suppose I just could have said, I agree with Malcom. lol

    hope you are back to bubbly elle soon

    1. Lol, I welcome your words too :) even if they're similar to Malcolm's. :) we are much better, but I know you have to have ups and downs.
      Thank you so much Willie :)