I feel like I'm failing... At everything.
I don't want this to be an 'ohhh, woe is me' post. I don't want to sound whiny or sound like I'm doing nothing but complaining, but I'm just blah. I can't get anything done, I'm exhausted, I just don't feel very well overall. I'm even behind on blogging and reading everyone else's blogs.
Valentine's day was amazing. I was it expecting a card at all. Then to find a super sweet card was just icing. I made him a yummy dinner that he wanted, then chocolate covered strawberries too. We watched some television together, he gave the girls their cards and boxes of candy. I completely melted then. They were beaming that their daddy had gotten them valentines.
It was super cute, I was in the grocery store and I texted fireman to see if he wanted me to pick them up some chocolates too. I wasn't sure exactly what he'd say, they did not need more candy of course, lol. Then his quick reply **Sure!** I was thinking these girls have their daddy wrapped and I love it. I do not have a good relationship with my dad. I never did, even when I was little. I want them to have the best relationship so desperately. I know they will. Fireman is the best father I could've picked for my babies.
A migraine hit me on Valentines night... So instead of him getting me into bed the way he (and I!!) wanted, he got me in, turned off all the lights and shut the door. Friday night I had a movie date with a friend and he waited up for me. We got our Valentines night then ::wink::
The weekend wasn't too bad. It was mostly quiet and uneventful. I was just exhausted all weekend and I didn't get much done. I don't know what's going on with it. The kids were unusually loud and I didn't have much patience, but I still loved having them home and #1 not being in school.
Then the bomb that was yesterday. Murphy's Law. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Tea spilled all over the place. One baby waking up the other baby, then screaming for an hour. Exhaustion. Headache. Broken appliances. #3 getting in the dog water and cat litter. So much went wrong.
I hung up on fireman. Go ahead. Reread it, but you read it correctly the first time.
I knew he was upset with me. He was home later than normal, here for about 20 minutes before the weekly fire meeting. We barely spoke. He got home around 9:15 and did a few things before he said let's go to the bedroom.
No. I'm just really not in the mood for that right now. (Submissive Elle is somewhere in Africa at this point).
I don't care. Lets go.
I sit completely still on our couch. I know I agreed to this life. I know it's what I want(ed). But I can't get my head to be in the right place. My brain just won't tell my legs to walk to our room. No.
He just looked at me, eventually he went to eat his dinner.
I went to bed.
Epic fail.
I've read posts by other women and have seen where they wouldn't submit to a punishment. And I never understood. I would just think that's exactly what you wanted, what is your deal?
Why? Why does this happen? Why can't I just shut up and go into our room like I was told? It is what I wanted. It is the lifestyle I agreed upon.
I'm just confused. And exhausted.
Xo,
elle
Oh Sweetie, first of all, it sounds like you're so tired. And it's human nature to want to do things our own ways at times, even when we've signed up different. Your day may have just been too much, and the thought of giving more energy to submitting might have just been the straw that could break the camel's back. But it might have been a good breaking. {{{HUGS}}} Don't beat yourself up. You're not a failure. You had a bad night. You didn't take back this lifestyle. You didn't tell him you're done and not doing it ever again. There is still plenty of time to go to him when you can force yourself to and admit you were wrong. {{{HUGS}}} You're still a great wife, a great DD wife. He knows you love him, he also knows how overwhelming life can be. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up about it. I think we've all been there at one point or another. I know I have a couple times. Even though we want this, sometimes it's hard to get our heads in the right place to submit to it.
ReplyDeleteElle
ReplyDeleteCould it just be you are exhausted and overwhelmed? Sounds like a really trying day. I don't think I could have dealt with a spanking then. I think your head has to be in the right place for it to work. Maybe you and FM can talk about it and figure a way for him to help you? Maybe it could have been started as a stress reliever and later dealt with the disreapeect of hanging up on him. Miles and I aren't there but I think he is working his way to bring us into dd.
Elle, be gentle with yourself. You're not a failure. One night that didn't go smoothly does not a failure make. Why does it happen? I think it has to do with a little phenomena known as being human. Don't be so hard on yourself (as said by someone who has btdt). (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHi Elle, I am so sorry you have felt so poorly. It is really hard to submit to a spanking when you feel like this. When you feel better then maybe you can talk to FM and explain what happened with your day. Better say sorry double quick though, good luck, love jan.xx
ReplyDeleteHi Elle
ReplyDeleteWhen I have those down times - I try and keep a low profile until it blows over. I can really lose it when I'm tired - so I keep out of the way and think to myself - Why do I want this, what do I want. It helps.
Don't think of it as failure - it is just a bump in the road Hon.
Hugs
Jack's Jill
OH Elle,
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you just need a good rest. One day of things going wrong is not the end of the world. You are not a failure at all, in anything. My gosh Elle, I admire all that you do, do! We are human, and there are always going to be some days that, just ...well...suck :)
Many hugs
So many women in DD get this way from time to time. I don't know but it seems to me you need to be overcome.
ReplyDeleteDD, like all other human institutions, is not perfect. Sometimes the wife knows she needs to be overcome and the husband either doesn't see that or doesn't want to be bothered or doesn't feel he has the strength to cope with the resulting conflict. Can you possibly tell him, "Mr Fireman, I need to be overcome!"??
Many women do need to be squashed sometimes, but society has made a mess of this and can't get it straight whether this is right or wrong. So both men and women struggle with this primitive necessity - they want to be civilised but the human organism has its own way to go.
Elle, don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like a very trying day on top of exhaustion and also not feeling 100% and the thought of submitting to a spanking was just physically and emotionally too much at the time.
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly not a failure, I think we all have these moments from time to time.
Hugs,
Roz
You know what I blame all this on?
ReplyDeleteFEBRUARY!
Tired, a bit under the weather, overwhelmed etc etc.
It's in those moments when we most need to be taken in hand that we least want to be. I've done this too. All we can do is go to them, apologize and talk about what we want them to do if it happens again. In my "NO" moments, my husband will send me upstairs on my own very firmly. After about 5 minutes on our bed waiting for him my attitude changes into one of acceptance and the reset usually helps.
Hang in there...and grab as much rest as your busy family will allow.
Oh Hun
ReplyDeleteWho hasn't at one point refused to be disciplined. We get tired and fed up, we have kids that drive us round the bend at times and live busy lives.
It's easy to think we're failing, I do it all the time, but don't be hard on yourself, I am figuring out, that it always works out at the end, you just have to keep trying , and let fm help you x
Just listen to all the sound advice you've had above. You are most certainly not a failure! You are a very tired, hard working young mother, who's had a bad day. Nothing more. We all have days like this. So we get stressed. Life happens.
ReplyDeleteI think you need a 'stress busting'. Easy to say I know, but it works wonders for me. And you can always address the 'disrespect' later, or tack it on to the end like we do. I'm pretty sure FM has seen how busy and exhausted you are lately, and he will know that you are under par. He'll understand sweetie, really he will.
Many hugs, Ami
Oh Ellie, you were channelling me by accident. When I do submit to a spanking with humility, it prompts Ian to say things like, "no tantrum?" "no pouting?" "are you okay?" "what's really going on?" "what haven't you told me?" etc.....
ReplyDeleteI know exactly where you are coming from, I am the queen of the epic failure moment of ttwd. Here's the great part, Ian told me that he doesn't really ever expect me to go quietly to those moments, he expects resistance, it doesn't make them permanently angry - just annoyed like realizing a job they started is much bigger than they first believed.
Ian says it is the best indication that it is really required.
Like Ami says, they understand, sweetie - it's okay.
hugs and love
lillie