I feel like I'm failing... At everything.
I don't want this to be an 'ohhh, woe is me' post. I don't want to sound whiny or sound like I'm doing nothing but complaining, but I'm just blah. I can't get anything done, I'm exhausted, I just don't feel very well overall. I'm even behind on blogging and reading everyone else's blogs.
Valentine's day was amazing. I was it expecting a card at all. Then to find a super sweet card was just icing. I made him a yummy dinner that he wanted, then chocolate covered strawberries too. We watched some television together, he gave the girls their cards and boxes of candy. I completely melted then. They were beaming that their daddy had gotten them valentines.
It was super cute, I was in the grocery store and I texted fireman to see if he wanted me to pick them up some chocolates too. I wasn't sure exactly what he'd say, they did not need more candy of course, lol. Then his quick reply **Sure!** I was thinking these girls have their daddy wrapped and I love it. I do not have a good relationship with my dad. I never did, even when I was little. I want them to have the best relationship so desperately. I know they will. Fireman is the best father I could've picked for my babies.
A migraine hit me on Valentines night... So instead of him getting me into bed the way he (and I!!) wanted, he got me in, turned off all the lights and shut the door. Friday night I had a movie date with a friend and he waited up for me. We got our Valentines night then ::wink::
The weekend wasn't too bad. It was mostly quiet and uneventful. I was just exhausted all weekend and I didn't get much done. I don't know what's going on with it. The kids were unusually loud and I didn't have much patience, but I still loved having them home and #1 not being in school.
Then the bomb that was yesterday. Murphy's Law. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Tea spilled all over the place. One baby waking up the other baby, then screaming for an hour. Exhaustion. Headache. Broken appliances. #3 getting in the dog water and cat litter. So much went wrong.
I hung up on fireman. Go ahead. Reread it, but you read it correctly the first time.
I knew he was upset with me. He was home later than normal, here for about 20 minutes before the weekly fire meeting. We barely spoke. He got home around 9:15 and did a few things before he said let's go to the bedroom.
No. I'm just really not in the mood for that right now. (Submissive Elle is somewhere in Africa at this point).
I don't care. Lets go.
I sit completely still on our couch. I know I agreed to this life. I know it's what I want(ed). But I can't get my head to be in the right place. My brain just won't tell my legs to walk to our room. No.
He just looked at me, eventually he went to eat his dinner.
I went to bed.
I've read posts by other women and have seen where they wouldn't submit to a punishment. And I never understood. I would just think that's exactly what you wanted, what is your deal?
Why? Why does this happen? Why can't I just shut up and go into our room like I was told? It is what I wanted. It is the lifestyle I agreed upon.
I'm just confused. And exhausted.